What's In A Name?

[CopperKnob]

'That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet'

BDSM is a symbol of sexual freedom. We’re here because we grew tired of the vanilla world slapping labels on us and locking us up in shackles (I mean they have a purpose but, this is not that). We’re more than others’ ideas of social acceptability, dammit, so we leak past the edges of every cookie-cutter they, in the vanilla world, try to define us with. We’re sexual libertarians, and we laugh at rules…(unless, you know, butt plug)

That's why we arrived in these avant-garde, Fet halls wearing our freak labels like Olympic medals, screaming "I'm here!"

And then, we made cookie-cutters for every kink. We wrote reams of didactic posts about the 'right' way to do BDSM and developed a healthy amount of righteous anger for those who didn’t conform.

Subs, we decided, had to be true, else we’d have to waste time getting to know them before we found out if they were suitable partners. Who has time for dating these days? We need to know every detail of your sexuality before we even learn your real name.

Doms, we decided, had to be precisely this self-possessed, otherwise they’d dilute our kinkiness and all hell would break loose.

Vanilla...there’s no concept more dangerous than that ‘round here. We’re okay with your occasional vanilla tendencies provided they are, in fact, occasional. You need to keep that shit down to an acceptable level thank you. We’re too free to let you live out your sexuality in a way that feels right to you so,
*picks up pointy stick
here’s the precise point where vanilla obliterates kink, and here’s the point where we’ll require you to leave the kink scene for good. Do. Not. Cross. It.

In fact, it would be better if you’d just not talk about it at all.

Going through the forums here, there are countless posts asking for advice on how people identify, are they this, are they that? Is this right, is that right?  These are people who are trying desperately to twist themselves into impossible shapes in their effort to kink 'properly.'

To earn their sexual freedom, they're giving their sexual freedom away.

It's upsetting because it reminds me of a time when I felt I had to fit into others’ ideas of sexuality in the vanilla world and then, here in the kink world because, yes, I wrote one such thread when I was brand new to Fet under an old account.

There is no right way to kink.

It doesn't matter how you identify. Unless we’re talking about ethics and consent, there is no 'correct' approach to BDSM. None of us is required to fit into a subset or role. Kink is supposed to feel like Christmas morning, not like squeezing ourselves into a box. We're here to find our freedom, lets stop putting ourselves back in the corner.

It’s not those that who are “too vanilla” who are diluting our libertarianism. It’s those who try to define us who are watering us down.

[Deleted Member]

Agreed CK, in exactly the same way as there are no rules when it comes to dynamics. What works for YOU is the right way, and fuck what anyone else says. Great post.

[Leisa]

Another post filled with great insight. We shouldn’t be defined or ***d to define anything except our individualism which sets us apart. I’m not just a role and I’m certainly not a role someone else put me into.

[RubyColl]

kudos CK.

Such a great voice of reason.

[ge****]

More nodding in agreement here - the only people that define my kink life (such that it is) are me and those that get involved in it in that way, and *we* will always have found we are on the same wavelength and of a like mind as to what it means to us - sure there may be differences and some will be compromised and others not, but that is for *us* to define and no-one else (assuming all the usual caveats around consent, legality etc are in place of course)

[Mz****]

In principle I agree...but actually I'm not sure it's so simplistic. The Implication being we can't evolve, or become better at what we do because it's set into our DNA..and that if we do we're trying to be something we're not..but at the same time I can't tell if your being tongue in cheek or deadly serious..but since my stroke the overly verbose can take me a few reads through and I was never the brightest spark anyway  so perhaps it's going over my head and I'm missing the point.

[CopperKnob]

7 hours ago, MzJax said:

In principle I agree...but actually I'm not sure it's so simplistic. The Implication being we can't evolve, or become better at what we do because it's set into our DNA..and that if we do we're trying to be something we're not..but at the same time I can't tell if your being tongue in cheek or deadly serious..but since my stroke the overly verbose can take me a few reads through and I was never the brightest spark anyway  so perhaps it's going over my head and I'm missing the point.

Yeah, I can be sarcastic and there's definitely sarcasm in this post I'm not going to deny it but, I think that the point I'm attempting to make is the same as you, that it matters not how each of us identify in terms of gender or kink, as long as we are acting ethically and with consent, there is no right way to do kink. Being bratty/primal for instance, can be seen as somewhat dominant (by some), it doesn't mean that thise that are can't be submissive as well etc etc. A label is a label but they serve no real purpose in my opinion. Not everyone can, or should be put in a box.