First message

[Deleted Member]

The opening sentence. It is now clear that the women here have a hard time staying upright with all the rubbish that is thrown over them, especially the subs/slaves, enough has been written about this in the forum. As a result, there is a lot of pressure on the first sentence that is sent. He is to sweep the woman off her feet, make her float on a cloud, move her into the seventh heaven. And honestly, the woman deserves all the respect. And it is widely known that the community is just not yet bursting with creativity. Yet the pressure on us men with regard to the sense of education is enormous, we yield to this burden! Just one misstep, one comma wrong, a period instead of an exclamation mark and it's over. Women are already setting the bar high outside the community, and are eagerly waiting for "the prince on the white horse." Within the community, the ladies now expect "the prince on the white horse in shining armor." I'm sorry to say this ladies, there aren't enough princes for all of you. And unfortunately for me, my horse passed away today, so I am on foot from today.

[ey****]

I don't actually feel there is the pressure to sweep off the feet in one line.

Though - it's true - even the best of messages are not certain of any results - but that is the same anywhere in life.

But the minimum standard isn't really that high.

[Leisa]

With all due respect who are you speaking to? The subs I know are most definitely not waiting for the white knight to ride in an save the day because we don’t need anyone to rescue us. We are strong, educated, independent, and beautiful. We are the complete package without a shit ton of baggage trailing behind us. We don’t want to be rescued; we want to be respected. Respected enough not to need or want a knight to rescue us because we are not broken damsels in distress. In fact, we are the exact opposite and it’s this exact expectation combined with Ricco56’s mansplaining that ***es of the majority of subs. I don’t care if there’s a period in place or a comma. When I would first see it I’d assume it was in error. A typo if you will and nothing more. Now if the bad grammar continued, then yes it would be a “no, thank you. Good luck in your search.” This is because I’m not looking for a knight to rescue me, I’m looking for that partner who’s an equal in all facets — life experience and education level included.
It’s only the insecure D types who think that we are out there waiting in line with “pick me” on our foreheads fo be rescued from the big, bad world. You were doing great until you assumed you knew what every sub was looking for and mansplaining it.

[qu****]

There has been an increase in women's profiles saying " looking for a knight in shining armour, not a twat in tinfoil", or "I'm fed up with toads, looking for my frog Prince", with the latter what's wrong with toads, theyre far more superior than frogs,

[Leisa]

1 minute ago, quietlysure said:

There has been an increase in women's profiles saying " looking for a knight in shining armour, not a twat in tinfoil", or "I'm fed up with toads, looking for my frog Prince", with the latter what's wrong with toads, theyre far more superior than frogs,

Fir it’s the toad who’s the prince underneath? Thanks for the chuckle.

[Deleted Member]

I, for one, don’t need someone to sweep me off my feet, but when the first message you receive from someone is “I wanna lick your pussy”… yeah it kinda puts you on the back foot and makes you analyse others a little deeper. It’s a sad fact that on this platform, male Doms (can’t speak for the women) seem to think that just because we are here, we are desperately vying or their attention, and even if we were, opening lines like that are not how it going to be achieved. Have a little respect (even just a morsel), earn a little trust and just be a gentleman… is that really too much to expect nowadays?

[Deleted Member]

I hate to bring a downer to the party, but the sad truth is that no matter how charming/polite/witty/erudite you are when they click on your pic and go "Naaah...next..." even if your message came with added glitter it won't make a difference.

[BadDesires]

I think it is a little harsh on the female community to think a first message is your only chance. As long as you don't completely mess it up in the first message my understanding is there can be potential for a connection to grow. I get the feeling the big problem is us Guys that fail are guilty of trying to rush it with the first message making it feel ***d. Ladies usually like the chance to enjoy the journey, which doesn't happen if they feel heavily bombarded. There is also no need to be perfect, we're all *** people at heart and being able to share that with someone in the right way is how stronger connections grow. It just takes some time, respect, patience and commitment.

[Deleted Member]

Maybe you have been watching to much Disney and talking to too many Karen's 🤣
I have been hanging around in the shadows for a while now, an can honestly say I have never got that vibe from any female member and as 1 I find this post comical, and maybe a little bitter 😬
I dodge the over sharing messages without any bother, and have no fucks to give about grammar or spelling in the slightest 🤷🏻‍♀️
I'm definitely not looking to be swept off my feet, or for anything really!!!
I'm am however open to the idea of finding an equal to challenge me for my control. 😁

[CopperKnob]

No one needs to be 'swept off their feet' in a DM. Its an opening message, sweep us off our feet when we're in a dynamic, don't assume you're ever gonna do it in that 1st msg, even if its what anyone wanted, your aren't going to achieve it.
In terms of what works and what doesn't, plenty of posts in the forums where subs have commented on what they look for, not in a opening comment, simply in conversation. Take a look

[Ae****]

For me, I don't think it's a community thing, it's an individual thing. Some (many 😭😅) women are very touchy and quick to look for a way to be upset, or give lazy responses etc.
That's as shame, but it's great - it's a red flag to me, and we stop chatting. I just found out that the person who I liked, well, they're just not into me, or they're a *** in the ass. The ones who aren't like that, they like me, we laugh etc, we get on great.
No biggie 😁
Fun people can be rare, or at least, people on your wavelength can be rare. I'm myself until I bump into people who like me, exactly I am.

[Cu****]

Im sorry but guys can do a bit better than 'Hey nice tits' or 'Fuck you're hot wanna shove my *overinflated estimated B*C* in your pussy'

 

Whats wrong with... Hi there, read your profile and we seem to have some common interests. Care to chat?

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Curvygirl1 said:

Whats wrong with... Hi there, read your profile and we seem to have some common interests. Care to chat?

I've no idea what's wrong with that style of opening message either. It still doesn't work for us frogs and toads 😂

[ge****]

There's a heck of a lot of sweeping generalisations in that OP to what is actually a very individual thing - it doesn't come down to the first message, first sentence or anything in isolation but the approach, the profile and various other factors as a whole package, sure the first message etc *may* have an influence, but it's not necessarily the whole, unless of course it is of the one line "suck my dick slut" variety but they would be discounted by 99.99% of people.

What many overlook is that forging relationships here, or any other similar site, is no different from forging them in the real world and comes down to all the usual things of attraction, respect, consideration, being on the same wavelength and more besides. And within all that you also have the fact that you can't possibly be attractive to everyone you encounter, nor attracted to them - in fact I'd wager that of 100 people you encounter, there are probably at most 10 people you find attractive, and of those 10 people maybe 2 or 3 at most find you equally attractive - factor in the "getting to know you" element and deciding as a part of that they're not for you and the number drops even further - so ultimately it doesn't come down to "knights in shining armour", "frog princes", "setting bars high" or anything else other than plain and simple rules of attraction and finding those on your wavelength, which are very individual and apply just as equally here as they do in the real world.

If the attraction is there (in whatever form it may take and be sparked from including the first message) then the rest will naturally follow and if we all accepted that it would be a lot less frustrating for all who are frustrated by it.

[Leisa]

3 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

There's a heck of a lot of sweeping generalisations in that OP to what is actually a very individual thing - it doesn't come down to the first message, first sentence or anything in isolation but the approach, the profile and various other factors as a whole package, sure the first message etc *may* have an influence, but it's not necessarily the whole, unless of course it is of the one line "suck my dick slut" variety but they would be discounted by 99.99% of people.

What many overlook is that forging relationships here, or any other similar site, is no different from forging them in the real world and comes down to all the usual things of attraction, respect, consideration, being on the same wavelength and more besides. And within all that you also have the fact that you can't possibly be attractive to everyone you encounter, nor attracted to them - in fact I'd wager that of 100 people you encounter, there are probably at most 10 people you find attractive, and of those 10 people maybe 2 or 3 at most find you equally attractive - factor in the "getting to know you" element and deciding as a part of that they're not for you and the number drops even further - so ultimately it doesn't come down to "knights in shining armour", "frog princes", "setting bars high" or anything else other than plain and simple rules of attraction and finding those on your wavelength, which are very individual and apply just as equally here as they do in the real world.

If the attraction is there (in whatever form it may take and be sparked from including the first message) then the rest will naturally follow and if we all accepted that it would be a lot less frustrating for all who are frustrated by it.

Very well said.

[as****]

I'll let you in on a few little secrets about that first message. And don't worry, you'll still have plenty of opportunities to screw it up in the following ones. But I'm only really speaking for myself. Maybe others will agree or maybe not. We shall see.

 

We're not a collective. We're all individual beings with different goals and aspirations and we shouldn't be seen otherwise. When you speak about "women" as though we are the Borg, that's your first mistake. So the first secret is you don't really know the woman to whom you're sending a first message. Don't message as though you do.

 

Send a first message that is longer than one sentence. Go through the profile - actually read it - and tailor your message around something that got your interest. Thus showing you're messaging a specific person for a specific reason rather than mass spamming the same template to 100 different profiles.

 

Unless you just want to chat and there's something in that person's profile that leads you to think you'll not run out of things to say after 5 to 10 exchanges, stick to women that are local to you.

 

Unless stated otherwise on a profile, most people are only looking locally and within their age range.

 

Keep in mind you're messaging a stranger and you're doing it for the first time. Don't ask about any sexual stuff or what her kinks are or what taboos she's into. If she wants you to know, she'll have that on her profile. And if she does, don't ask her to elaborate further.

 

For all intents and purposes, pretend you're a normal person and you're chatting up another normal person you've never met. Don't assume that because you're online, a woman's quality control will be lower than it would otherwise be if you were chatting in person.

 

Having an account here on Fetish.com doesn't mean being interested or available to meet. If you see this as a dating site of sorts, that's fine. But not everyone does. Some are here just just to do the BDSM version of what they do on Facebook or Twitter. A message, and especially a first message, that even just so slightly hints at you being here for something more when the other person is not, will likely go unanswered. So again, don't assume you know the person you never messaged before.

 

Shocking though it is, probably all of us have family, friends and a life wherever it is that we are. We're not going to relocate to another country or even another continent over this. Much less so to live in a place where we'd know no one. And much less so with someone that just sent a first message. The reason most women are not willing to relocate is, quite oddly enough, the same set of reasons you wouldn't relocate either. After all, nowhere is it written that it is the woman that must do so.

 

Don't make demands, be it overt or veiled, by informing the person you're messaging for the first time of what your expectations are. You're not showing your dominance by doing so in the initial messages. Rather, you're waving a huge red flag.

 

Don't be needy or nagging either. If you're messaging someone that you think is above your league, she probably is. Just keep it cool. The same way there's no reason at all to make demands on the first message, there's no reason to pay any compliments either. Idolatry stinks of despair and it's a huge turn off.

 

Don't send pics. Especially dick pics. Or pics of your dungeon or your toys. It makes you look like you're already planning a first date and putting pressure on, when the person you're messaging has no idea who the fuck you are.

 

Make sure you both speak the same language. Literally. I've lost count of the number of people who messaged me in German. It's not a great leap to assume the reverse also happens as well. In the end, you can even message in Klingon, just be sure you both speak it or don't bother. And on that note, don't use some auto translator. It's easily noticeable and if you both don't have a common language you're fluent on, there's no point.

 

Typos are acceptable. Spelling and grammar errors are not. All browsers have spell checkers. Use them. Know the difference and usage of things like "your" and "you're", or "dominant" and "dominate" and don't use them interchangeably. And if you're asking something, put a question mark at the end instead of assuming the other person will get it. She probably will, but if a freaking question mark is too much effort for you, why should I put in the effort to reply to you?

 

Sexting, cyber, RP, or whatever else you want to call it, is dumb. Sure, it's possible that some women might be into that. Far more likely though, we grew out of it even before we reached adulthood. More often than not, you'll be role-playing a text based adventure with a fellow incel such as yourself. In which case, delete your account.

 

Edited October 27, 2021 by astyn

[Leisa]

13 minutes ago, astyn said:

I'll let you in on a few little secrets about that first message. And don't worry, you'll still have plenty of opportunities to screw it up in the following ones. But I'm only really speaking for myself. Maybe others will agree or maybe not. We shall see.

 

We're not a collective. We're all individual beings with different goals and aspirations and we shouldn't be seen otherwise. When you speak about "women" as though we are the Borg, that's your first mistake. So the first secret is you don't really know the woman to whom you're sending a first message. Don't message as though you do.

 

Send a first message that is longer than one sentence. Go through the profile - actually read it - and tailor your message around something that got your interest. Thus showing you're messaging a specific person for a specific reason rather than mass spamming the same template to 100 different profiles.

 

Unless you just want to chat and there's something in that person's profile that leads you to think you'll not run out of things to say after 5 to 10 exchanges, stick to women that are local to you.

 

Unless stated otherwise on a profile, most people are only looking locally and within their age range.

 

Keep in mind you're messaging a stranger and you're doing it for the first time. Don't ask about any sexual stuff or what her kinks are or what taboos she's into. If she wants you to know, she'll have that on her profile. And if she does, don't ask her to elaborate further.

 

For all intents and purposes, pretend you're a normal person and you're chatting up another normal person you've never met. Don't assume that because you're online, a woman's quality control will be lower than it would otherwise be if you were chatting in person.

 

Having an account here on Fetish.com doesn't mean being interested or available to meet. If you see this as a dating site of sorts, that's fine. But not everyone does. Some are here just just to do the BDSM version of what they do on Facebook or Twitter. A message, and especially a first message, that even just so slightly hints at you being here for something more when the other person is not, will likely go unanswered. So again, don't assume you know the person you never messaged before.

 

Shocking though it is, probably all of us have family, friends and a life wherever it is that we are. We're not going to relocate to another country or even another continent over this. Much less so to live in a place where we'd know no one. And much less so with someone that just sent a first message. The reason most women are not willing to relocate is, quite oddly enough, the same set of reasons you wouldn't relocate either. After all, nowhere is it written that it is the woman that must do so.

 

Don't make demands, be it overt or veiled, by informing the person you're messaging for the first time of what your expectations are. You're not showing your dominance by doing so in the initial messages. Rather, you're waving a huge red flag.

 

Don't be needy or nagging either. If you're messaging someone that you think is above your league, she probably is. Just keep it cool. The same way there's no reason at all to make demands on the first message, there's no reason to pay any compliments either. Idolatry stinks of despair and it's a huge turn off.

 

Don't send pics. Especially dick pics. Or pics of your dungeon or your toys. It makes you look like you're already planning a first date and putting pressure on, when the person you're messaging has no idea who the fuck you are.

 

Make sure you both speak the same language. Literally. I've lost count of the number of people who messaged me in German. It's not a great leap to assume the reverse also happens as well. In the end, you can even message in Klingon, just be sure you both speak it or don't bother. And on that note, don't use some auto translator. It's easily noticeable and if you both don't have a common language you're fluent on, there's no point.

 

Typos are acceptable. Spelling and grammar errors are not. All browsers have spell checkers. Use them. Know the difference and usage of things like "your" and "you're", or "dominant" and "dominate" and don't use them interchangeably. And if you're asking something, put a question mark at the end instead of assuming the other person will get it. She probably will, but if a freaking question mark is too much effort for you, why should I put in the effort to reply to you?

 

Sexting, cyber, RP, or whatever else you want to call it, is dumb. Sure, it's possible that some women might be into that. Far more likely though, we grew out of it even before we reached adulthood. More often than not, you'll be role-playing a text based adventure with a fellow incel such as yourself. In which case, delete your account.

 

Taking bets to see if he responds.

[Ae****]

Sunday at 07:48 AM, Axlsub said:

I've no idea what's wrong with that style of opening message either. It still doesn't work for us frogs and toads 😂

Lots of advice from lots of people.
"I'll let you in on a few little secrets" - my version. It's as good as anyone elses, isn't it? 😂

If a girl (or guy!) responds to you, they like you enough to respond. You can start with whatever sexy or unsexy thing comes to your head, if a girl initially likes you, she'll respond. Anyone who disagrees, sorry, that's the way it's worked for me, so you need to argue with the people, the girls, who - for some reason - like me 🤷🏻‍♂️🤣

If she's not a match, she'll never respond. GOOD. You don't want to waste your time with people with don't like you. Whyyyyyy would anyone?

If you're fake, you're being fake. "hi would you like to chat" won't get you far if she doesn't already really like you. Because it's a nothing thing say. Just my opinion 😁
Axlsub has experienced this, perhaps. Be you, always always always. If it's not working, above all, be happy with you and not needing anyone to validate you. After that, if you want responses/dates etc, work on your initial attractiveness so ppl want to respond - but they always get to have your time, IF they're cool enough, in a number of ways (like being polite, friendly, chatty, having a sense of humour, not getting offend easily, finding the idea of 'mansplaining' bizarre 😂, etc etc). You're not begging for their time, ever. You're enjoying eachother. If they can't do that stuff, they're bad news, those are red flags - or you're just not a match for eachother.

And getting advice from girls on how to date them is not a great approach 😂 no matter how much they may hate that idea 🤫😋 just my opinion!! :) no offence intended to anyone :) apologies ahead of time 😁

[ey****]

I think guys don't like it when told how NOT to contact someone - but then even the more helpful how TO contact someone can be met with... well, there's no magic message

I definitely think there's good in the attitude of - if she's not interested, then she's not interested that it's better not to reply to someone you're not interested in then waste both your times swapping messages.

But. Yeah - while there is no perfect message - there are plenty that are unlikely to garner interest - from the crude, to the "Hey" to the empty "Would you like to chat?" (I mean. What about? You initiated this conversation so surely you have something you want to chat about?!) 

[Gidorra]

Not just here, but in general, people would be well advised to be realistic. What good is it if you set the bar above your own head? Maybe this works for some women who are content with being a trophy partner in a 'he is rich and I am hot'-arrangement, but how satisfying is that in a supposedly liberated/empowered community like this?

I  avoid anything kinky/sexual in the first few messages - isn't it pretty obvious why we are in this particular place already? If I cannot talk 'normal' with someone and there is nothing to say, how awkward is that gonna turn out, if we ever met? Btw, most first messages I get from the ladies simply read "Hi", and more often than not, their profile is deleted by the time I try to take a look at it... way to go

Anyway, I avoid those super demanding profiles, because they are out of my league... I am only 'regular amazing', not super amazing ;)

[ey****]

2 hours ago, Gidorra said:

Maybe this works for some women who are content with being a trophy partner in a 'he is rich and I am hot'-arrangement, but how satisfying is that in a supposedly liberated/empowered community like this?

I know this is a common trope - but it's a lot less common than you would think

Financial Stability is something a lot of people look for - but equally, especially in a first message, it might be difficult to gauge the other persons financially standing.

Interestingly of course when we talk about scams we often talk about men being scammed - but - there's plenty of examples of men who attempt to scam women by one method or another and a huge red flag is anyone who does talk about wealth or spending in an early message. 

[Deleted Member]

Amen to that x. There are a few Gentleman Dom's on here. X

[Deleted Member]

On 10/23/2021 at 1:47 AM, FreeUrMind said:

The opening sentence. It is now clear that the women here have a hard time staying upright with all the rubbish that is thrown over them, especially the subs/slaves, enough has been written about this in the forum. As a result, there is a lot of pressure on the first sentence that is sent. He is to sweep the woman off her feet, make her float on a cloud, move her into the seventh heaven. And honestly, the woman deserves all the respect. And it is widely known that the community is just not yet bursting with creativity. Yet the pressure on us men with regard to the sense of education is enormous, we yield to this burden! Just one misstep, one comma wrong, a period instead of an exclamation mark and it's over. Women are already setting the bar high outside the community, and are eagerly waiting for "the prince on the white horse." Within the community, the ladies now expect "the prince on the white horse in shining armor." I'm sorry to say this ladies, there aren't enough princes for all of you. And unfortunately for me, my horse passed away today, so I am on foot from today.

“I can’t get any women to talk to me, so they must all be doing it wrong.”

[Deleted Member]

I'm fairly new to the site and looking for a casual relationship, my life is fairly full at the moment, so I'm in no rush. 

I'm just a regular member so I can't initiate any messages but it seems I can respond to a message sent my way.

I know that people have their own lives and looking for something different than vanilla, hence they sign up on sites like this.  Meeting someone online is like meeting someone in the regular world, the only difference is a level of anonymity.  But, you need to treat someone new with respect. whether you are a dominant or a submissive.

As a first line, after reading the entire profile , I compose my message and ask about something in the profile, or mention something in common and maybe give an example.   

A woman recently said she liked my profile, and I was able to respond, tell her a little about myself, and I asked her a couple of questions, then she responded with more detail about herself. 

Just act respectful, be honest, be yourself.

[msouthwales]

I find just saying hello, how are you? is a good opener! Talk to someone as if you were meeting them in the street or in a bar. Don't jump straight in trying to impress with how kinky you are or how good in bed you are or telling them what you want them to do to you !

We all find different people attractive, and most women get bombarded with loads of messages, so if they don't reply, just take it they are not interested. It's not really rocket science.