Polyamory and Abusive Past.

[Je****]

1 minute ago, MaddieShires said:

Interesting topic. Found myself in a very difficult situation last Friday as per my post: Sadly had a terrible experience yesterday. Even at 50 mistakes can be made. Cuppa and a suckle was planned but not what happened. I left my home having prepared cooked food for my poorly mum to meet someone who had chatted on the telephone, text, kik only to be used and told to go in less than 1 hour. Guy seemed lovely, not a youngsters so understood what he was doing. He took what he wanted and treated me like trash. Beware and be safe. A man at 63 on here for one purpose.

Omg im so sorry this happened to you. I know how you feel. Being used is very real and very horrible. 

Im really sorry and i hope u can move past the asshole. You dont deserve that

[Deleted Member]

November 8, JenniferTP said:

Yes I am very familiar with your new name Kate, (I rather love the name!).

And yes bless you, you have listened to me also on these kind of traumas and abusive pasts. They really are difficult to move past. But Im at that stage now where I know I NEED to or I'm not going to move forward. 

Emotional stress is indeed playing a part. I worry over everything and even stress that current is going to lose patience with me, as they are helping me connect with people rather than their own journey at present, because they have that love and support and at the end of the day were here once themselves. I just don't like to think I'm testing anyones patience, but I have indeed stressed that due to my 'shit' as I call it, I will need that little bit of extra time and understanding. I'm very lucky for the support they provide me. I always have an ear if I need it. One day at a time Kate, I'm sure it will get better IF the right one I'm meant to cross paths with falls into my lap xxx

If someone is going to lose patience then I suspect they're not right for you. Poly people seem to be generally open and understanding of trauma in my experience. And great at communicating. I know the feeling well that despite having some things to work on - you want to move forward! I feel the same. I wish you well in your search! Xx

[Je****]

Just now, Dragonflylover said:

If someone is going to lose patience then I suspect they're not right for you. Poly people seem to be generally open and understanding of trauma in my experience. And great at communicating. I know the feeling well that despite having some things to work on - you want to move forward! I feel the same. I wish you well in your search! Xx

Thanks Kate, I am enjoying what I am doing and in my own time. One thing I have realised is I am putting too much pressure on myself for no reason. My partner isn't rushing me not is anyone else besides myself.

I have continued my search, this time for a lady. I am chatting and just seeing what happens. It's a refreshing change and even the conversations have more quality then any man I've spoke to lately. I called a man out for being thristy on my profile and on another ladies and he had the audacity to call me a fake scammer and stalker and called me desperate. Yet I am not the one who's commenting on 90% of the womens profiles like he does.... made a tit of himself tbh but then again people ask why I can't be bothered with men? He's why.

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, MaddieShires said:

Interesting topic. Found myself in a very difficult situation last Friday as per my post: Sadly had a terrible experience yesterday. Even at 50 mistakes can be made. Cuppa and a suckle was planned but not what happened. I left my home having prepared cooked food for my poorly mum to meet someone who had chatted on the telephone, text, kik only to be used and told to go in less than 1 hour. Guy seemed lovely, not a youngsters so understood what he was doing. He took what he wanted and treated me like trash. Beware and be safe. A man at 63 on here for one purpose.

😱 😟 That sounds really awful, Maddie. I'm so sorry that's happened - be good to yourself. He used you - the mistakes are his alone. He is to blame, not you.

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

Thanks Kate, I am enjoying what I am doing and in my own time. One thing I have realised is I am putting too much pressure on myself for no reason. My partner isn't rushing me not is anyone else besides myself.

I have continued my search, this time for a lady. I am chatting and just seeing what happens. It's a refreshing change and even the conversations have more quality then any man I've spoke to lately. I called a man out for being thristy on my profile and on another ladies and he had the audacity to call me a fake scammer and stalker and called me desperate. Yet I am not the one who's commenting on 90% of the womens profiles like he does.... made a tit of himself tbh but then again people ask why I can't be bothered with men? He's why.

It should be something to enjoy, absolutely. And if a woman fits the bill, why not? 😁 As you know I'm straight but I know full well that some men are not deserving of our time. It gets easier to recognise them and also recognise the good uns! Enjoy your journey. I'm enjoying mine. 🤗

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, MaddieShires said:

Interesting topic. Found myself in a very difficult situation last Friday as per my post: Sadly had a terrible experience yesterday. Even at 50 mistakes can be made. Cuppa and a suckle was planned but not what happened. I left my home having prepared cooked food for my poorly mum to meet someone who had chatted on the telephone, text, kik only to be used and told to go in less than 1 hour. Guy seemed lovely, not a youngsters so understood what he was doing. He took what he wanted and treated me like trash. Beware and be safe. A man at 63 on here for one purpose.

Sorry @JenniferTP for going off topic on your thread, but need to respond to this. Maddie, I am so so sorry that you had this experience and of course you say that you made a mistake, because hey, it's us stupid and naive women who get ourselves in these situations, right? I have seen women even say this to one another and that's so messed up.

The last few days I wondered if a lot of women (me included) here are too picky and difficult. Whether I question too much, look out for warning signs too much, shut down too early, don't give enough chances. But it is exactly these kinds of experiences that make it almost impossible for me to just go with it when it comes to men. And that sucks! And honestly,  it's not our fault but simply normal human behaviour if we let our guard down from time to time and don't behave like a super detective who tries to question every goddamn move of the man we are talking to. Because it is irritatingly tiring!  @JenniferTP, I have actually started to think about trying to find a Domme myself because I am so fed up with my own insecurities around men that have developed thanks to men (chicken and the egg..). Of course, there will be a lot of dodgy women out there, there's no doubt about it. But possibly/hopefully the level of understanding and true patience is higher amongst women and your words give me hope that this might be the saner way forward. 

Sorry for the rant, but why can't this just be an enjoyable free time activity? Why does this have to be so freaking difficult, dangerous and exhausting? *rant over*. 

[Je****]

Yes, I am convinced youre real... *smh

[Ae****]

Some answers to a few of your q's:
- how do i move past previous trauma? - i stay safe, take time, work with the *** and hurt/***, and accept that it's gonna be tough, there will be times I'm afraid - little by little is how i eventually heal. If that means staying single for a while, that's what i do.
- How would I ease my mind when triggered with new people? - I'd risk what I could emotionally, just go little by little out of my comfort zone. And I'd accept that i may, and likely will, run away anyways, panic etc, and have compassion for myself. Babies fall over many times before they learn to walk - I, too, will need lots of failures before i master a new skill.
Keep going, be patient with yourself, don't grow cold, do protect yourself and rest when needed.

[AThom-5508]

On 11/7/2021 at 4:15 PM, Tazzaby said:

Maybe your not going wrong I hate to say it but some people arre just cunts . 😒 they will see an in and take full advantage. 

Bang on.

[Dancingbear225]

I have very little experience with Polyamory, but I admit to finding it intriguing. I do have a a lot of experience with not trusting fellow human beings. Growing up my mother lied about everything for no reason, she used to tell me she was just keeping in practice. Over the years I built up many walls and convinced myself that everyone I met was lying to me or trying to manipulate me to get something they wanted. While I still believe that to be true for the most part, I have learned that on occasion people will be kind and good for no other reason than that is who they are. So to be hopeful about meeting the latter, but realistic about running into the former, I try and meet each person believing they are honest, until they prove they are not. I don't jump in with both feet when meeting someone new, I kind of wade in feeling the water. I don't know if this helps, but I have hope.

[ey****]

I've not read all the comments (sorry!)

but
Poly can be it's own emotional minefield at times.    Particularly if you have only one partner and they seem to be jotting away having lots of fun and other relationships (the worry they will find someone 'better' or who is a 'replacement' for you, or eats into the time you can spend with them) but also if it feels you are juggling relationships and individuals wants and needs.

I think each partner then needs their own talks on communication and boundaries.  This would also mean being open to your own insecurities or ***s and expecting them to be mindful of this and not to use it to their advantage.

When I started opening things up with my wife - they - well - they admit they are sometimes jealous at times, but know no matter what I do, who I do it with, how long I'm away...  I always come back to them. (in our system, everyone isn't equal. We are each others primaries - this doesn't mean other relationships are lesser or not meaningful, just that we wouldn't take someone in if it felt pushing each other out) 

[Ae****]

Your post is great and very open. Your thoughts and worries etc are all totally valid and normal. What you want is understandable.
Whatever you ultimately choose is fine, there's nothing you could choose that would be dumb or wrong or weird.
So this isn't negative - trying to be clear.
I think you have a lot of stuff on your mind. A lot. A lot of things from the past. That are possibly very tricky for you to deal with with even just one partner. Even alone, single, I'm guessing.
Adding more people to that is like signing up to army boot camp while you have asthma and get winded walking up some stairs.
It's not necessarily going to be bad, it might be great, but it's not the direction I'd go.
I don't actually know what you currently do with your past stuff, but I'd look at all of my doubts about polyamory, and think about my traumatic past, and perhaps prioritise working through my past stuff before, or a least while, exploring polyamory. I'd talk to a therapist about all of that. Everything from the past, and what the prospect of polyamory is making me think about.
Also, if I kept getting burned when I touched the baking tray, I'd totally stop baking, concluding that baking was impossible. That would be wrong, though, obviously - if I just got some oven mitts, I'd see baking was possible, wonderful, and totally safe.
Meaning, maybe it's an idea to stop talking to people until you go away and learn and start to feel like you can delineate between those who are trustworthy, reliable, worth you investment etc, and those who are not, *before* getting burned.

[Deleted Member]

Jealousy is real. Choosing Poly doesn't magically make that go away. Your attachment style and past traumas are always difficult to change or shape. I am newish to kink and Poly and therefore are constantly second guessing myself that i am getting it right. I hope that since posting this Jen you have had positive experiences that have helped mitigate some of the issues. I can't seem to find people who want to share their experiences on a personal level. It feels regurgitated from the research and literature I have already read. I will say the book's Polysecure and Ethical Slut ate excellent and will be reading them for a second time.

I have met someone who is newish to these things too and together so far we are doing ok, it's early doors however. Excited about the future but also have trepidation too. I do not want to ever hurt a person with my choices. So taking things slow.

I need to read more forum posts and do more research on kink, poly and myself. This is ongoing. Always will be. Sending positive vibes to you.

[Ba****]

For me, it's about remembering that they aren't the one that ***d you. Hard, yes, but it can be done. When my brain starts off on its weird ass bs, I ignore it. Unless the person I'm talking to has done something wrong, I don't hold anything against them.
To kerb demons/anxieties, I'd just remember that they loved me, or liked me. That I would be in their Poly circle (forgot correct word) if they didn't care about me.
To ease my mind when someone does something that's a small trigger, I just say "hey, can you not?" (In a nicer way of course.) If they ask why, explain its a trigger, no in depth background unless you feel its relevant.
Brain training is tricky. If you have a therapist or someone medical, I would suggest talking to them about ways to help.
I find it easier to talk to one person, at first, at a time. It helps my brain be honed in on them and it gives me a lot more time to get to know them.

I hope this helped at all. I know how hard it is after an abusive past, but you can do it. It'll take time.

[ni****]

First thank you for putting yourself out there with your concerns and your ***s. To be *** is to be relatable and likable and lovable so... kudos and nice work. There are no easy answers or quick fixes unfortunately.

The number one most helpful factor in my spiritual and emotional growth as a brother, a son, a father and a husband is my therapist. He’s amazing. I didn’t really know how important it was to find a good therapist, because how are you supposed to know? But when you know you know, so if you already have a therapist and you’re not feeling like you won the therapist lottery, keep looking.

I’ve been seeing my therapist for over seven years, longer than both of my daughters have been alive andI can’t tell you how valuable that relationship is to me because it’s priceless, but I hope you find one that’s just as enriching and rewarding.

A source of free therapy and usually free coffee as well are support groups for various flavors of dysfunction. 12 step groups for addiction, food, alcohol, ***, gambling you name it, and it probably exists and is following the AA blue book model with limited modifications.

There’s also Al-Anon and equivalent support groups for family members and loved ones of those who are addicted and in 12 step programs.

If you actually want to grow new, synaptic, pathways and retrain your brain, it’s probably going to take ***, in addition to the work.

There are some interesting studies out there, and anything can be obtained on the dark web. Neuroplasticity and a childlike state are what’s needed for rapid learning / unlearning and this Is totally achievable

I’m sorry I didn’t address your specific questions in line or with any structure, it’s a poor excuse, but I’m exhausted and heading to bed. Feel free to reply if you want to continue this thread .

[lo****]

I have similar issues with past ***, traumas, etc.

I do not think having your guard up, and walking at signs of what you have seen in the past from those who hurt you showing up is a bad thing. I think that you and I, and those like us who have seen that side of others are just a LOT more able to spot the warning signs since we have been thru it. Don't think of it as your past bleeding thru and hurting you/your chances. Think about it as "my past experiences are protecting me from future ***."

Listen to your gut, and stop second guessing yourself. IK it's hard to trust in yourself again after all that you have suffered. There's some unsavory people here who WILL try to guilt you and manipulate you. Just as there are anywhere else in the world. Those like us have learned we can NOT walk thru life wide eyed and naive. If you walk from someone, you have done it for a reason. something felt "off" somehow.

Stop beating yourself up because you followed your instincts. Following your instincts is how you survived thus far.

Hugs if you want them.