How To Explore Kink When Partner Isn’t Interested?

[ShyToKink]

I’m new to BDSM and want to explore this new world but my partner isn’t interested like I am.  I have a feeling that I would be a sub, not sure how to start dipping my toe into this pool. Ideas? Suggestions?

[Deleted Member]

If you brand new I would suggest that you make some friends on here so your knowledge can be expand abit and even attend a couple of local munch near you, build a understanding of exactly what your interested in and go from there , obviously if your partner isnt interested this might take a bit of very slow introduction, and even if your a sub you might have to take the lead and introduce things very slowly possible with a lite spanking etc. If thats what you fancy trying

[ey****]

So. 

Step 1.

A conversation with your partner is needed to see if they would be happy with you exploring kink elsewhere.  If this heads towards a yes, then you need to discuss boundaries and how this will work.

If no...

Step 2.

You then need to decide if exploring BDSM is more or less important than your relationship.

If it is less important, then it may be this becomes a backburner.

If it is more important, then you have two choices.

Option 1 - leave them.  You will never be entirely happy so it's better to try to pursue a relationship you will be happier in

Option 2- effectively - cheat.  

That is a route that could involve seeing a Pro - or - otherwise getting involved in your community etc. without your partners knowledge.

I would never, ultimately, suggest cheating, particularly with the complexities it brings, but individual circumstances differ 

Some of this is just spelling out the options in front of you.

[ge****]

Firstly you've not said why your partner isn't interested and the reasons could be many and personal, but a lot may come down to their perception and lack of knowledge of the subject, or even how you expressed your own desires - which may have conjured up images of extreme activities.

The fact your own knowledge is, by your own admission, limited may not have helped either.

Either way BDSM doesn't have to be extreme, doesn't have to be full on even, it can take any shape or form that two individuals choose it to take - so perhaps the best initial approach would be two fold.

Firstly find out as much as you can about BDSM (through this site and others, through books, blogs and on-line questionnaires etc) and start to build a picture of what BDSM means to you and how *you* define it for yourself.

Secondly, keep talking to your partner, try and understand why it doesn't interest them, provide reassurance that it doesn't have to be extreme, tell them of your specific interests and what you have learned, see if there's a middle ground that can be found etc.

If you're looking for a bit of kink to spice up your sex life, it is obviously very different from a full on 24/7 thing, and may be a starting point to build from things like soft ties, blindfolds, even light spankings may be something that they are willing to accommodate and that once they are comfortable with can be built on gradually.

Either way as with anything communication and understanding on *both* sides is the key.

[Dustykat]

And sometimes people are shy and have a preconceived idea of bdsm  if you look in to it together might find out your partners is willing 🧚🏻‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

Try reading a book with your partner. 

I'd recommend "Finding love through Female Domination" by Ms Renee Lane. Obviously you'd have to reverse the roles in your own mind. Make things playful and fun with your partner. Reassure him it's not the be all and end all. Ease him into it, playfully - like calling him "master" on occasions with a kiss and a naughty look. Make breakfast in bed, serve his meals, clean the house, the car,  give lots of affection. See how he responds and love him whatever his reactions are. Be happy and relaxed about it all with him. Be patient, open, honest and communicate. 

You're with him for a reason. Never forget that. 

[Deleted Member]

I hope you will keep on talking to your partner about this. It takes time. Lots of time to consider new ways of being with each other.

[Koby]

Kinks can't be foisted on to somebody. I hate to use this cliche but you have to take them on a journey. Four things can happen in the end.

1. Yes, this is great let's try it

2. Yes, but I am still not buying into it  I am willing to try it for you!!

3 No, but you can explore it with someo e else

4. No, not interested at all.

Taking someone on a journey is not about handing someone a paddle and wishing them the best. You need to reach down deeper