Kink Positivity Vs Kink Shaming

[Deleted Member]

Have you seen my latest article for the magazine? 

 

 

Have you ever experienced kink shaming? How did it make you feel?  Also, I want to have some positive stories on this thread too, so if you have seen kink positivity in action, share  those too! 

 

[li****]

Hey Victoria great article by the way and I've not experienced kink shaming myself but have seen it happen in chat rooms and such it's horrible to watch happen as our own kinks should be celebrated not shamed and make us feel like we don't belong in this community. What might be my kink may not be someone elses and vice versa. It's a beautiful community and we all should accept each other.

[Deleted Member]

well I did read a few negative comments not here but another platform regarding feet and watersport. the person couldnt understnd why some will be attracted to it?? such a vanilla thing to say. I personally dont focused on negativity, it slide easily on my latex gear ;)

[thats1kinkydude]

Hmmm when I'm drinking beers or smoking with my vanilla friends(boys and girls) I'll make a comment aloud like "naahh I wouldn't get with her cause she won't let me tie her up" or "I'm trying to 50 shades someone don't have time to make out" etc. Just subtle things they usually laugh at or say something like "that nigga crazy"(i hangout in the hood in Charlotte a lot) to sort of break the ice and gauge peoples responses to it. Kinda play it off like im joking when im not so people around me feel like it's not unusual or weird. Now everyone who knows me also knows that if you get in the bedroom with me some shit is definitely going to go down, and Im never ever ashamed by it. I found my own way to make it "cool" and make vanilla non kink sex seem lame/boring. I pretty much let everyone know you're talking to quagmire rn.

[3S****]

I've seen people shaming diaper fetish, saying it is something peadophiles would be into. That is quite a common misconception. I tell them that it is more like a clothing fetish, like wearing womens underwear.

 

Which reminds me i've also seen people calling trans/tv/cd people 'men in frocks'. And then of course all the confusion surrounding whether having sex with someone born a male who wants to present themselves as female is 'gay' and to be mocked for that.

[Lugnut-4292]

Well, I have been totally shamed by an NHS psychotherapist. 'Professional' kink shamming. She made me feel so ashamed of my kinks that I could not have sex for a few years until I found another therapist who could help reverse the damage. She told me that my kinks were making my mental illness worse. I have a new psychiatrist as well and she has been good. Some 'professionals' are not kink friendly and are seemingly unaware of the damage they can do. My current psychiatrist and therapist have told me that my kinks are what they are and can't really be changed, enjoy them, have fun, mix with like minded people. My current professionals are very open minded. The bad therapist could not move on from the idea that I had been sexually ***d as a child (I have not). I also get the impression she thought I was not safe with *** (absolute garbage -  I have absolutely no sexual interest in *** at all). Bottom line is that all kinds of people can make harsh and ill-founded judgments. Some of my family are aware that I have kinks and they have not said too much but it is clear they disapprove.

[MadameZ]

Good piece. The one thing we can all say about 50 Shades is that the huge amount of attention those books got has made it a lot easier to discuss kink without people freaking out and calling the police.

[Deleted Member]

I think that shaming just like any other fettish is something that could only be practical if they are comfortable with the limits and parameters of what they are into because if it is taking badly it can damage nd spoil the whole relationship nd personal feelings

[Deleted Member]

Respect and knowledge of enyones limits trust needs to up most importance

[ey****]

I agree massively with most of the article.

I think a lot of people (including myself) can at times be a tad guilty of things that are a kink shaming to one degree or another.

I think a thing about any form of kink scene or community or website - is you get a lot of people with a lot of different dynamics, backgrounds, ideas.

On one hand this brings a lot of people together - a collection of weird and wonderful folk.

On another, it throws people together who've nothing in common bar kink - and often don't have that in common.

And, I kinda see some of the.... challenges... this creates.

We are kinda in a situation where we do have to share platforms and spaces with those whose kinks we... in some cases... don't think belong.  Financial Domination : how many threads from guys bitching this "shouldn't be here".  I've come across some who think Switches are just tourists - and some who feel if you're not a switch you're not a real Dominant... hmm...

And this is before we even get into that many from the LGBTQ+ community (especially the TQ+) have found some sanctuary in the kink scene.

So, there are those who kinda have this much narrower vision of what the kink scene should be...

But like I say, everyone can be a little guilty when they think something doesn't quite fit.

For me.

I won't say you shouldn't be in the kink scene if your definition of submission is pussy-licking or definition of Dominance is "Bitch, suck my cock" - but certainly that you'd have better luck looking outside.  There's also no shame in that - it's just... I dunno. I'm not being nasty when I say there'd be better luck elsewhere.

(Appreciate I'm poking at guys : but, let's be honest, most women into kink who are in the kink scene have a bit more... interest.)

Anyway.

Obviously another factor about the wider kink scene is there are people with all ranges of experiences.  Some who are completely new, some who've been about a bit, some with years of experience.  Some who've only done online, some who've done a lot in life space.

I remember a fetlife note about someone who was frustrated that a lot of workshops/events/writings/etc were aimed towards a beginner level - but - I do believe this often needs to be a case.

So with that in mind, I don't think it's really shaming to point out practices which are dangerous or border on violating someones consent.

Reason : if you are experienced and knowledgeable, you should know this isn't something that newbies should be encouraged to do or made to believe is normal.

If you are not experienced or not knowledgeable then I think saying "actually, no - that's dangerous" is valid to warn them of risk to themselves or partner.

But also, because somebody new reading threads or posts for knowledge should have the information on what should and shouldn't be encouraged.

All kink carries a risk, but I think it's healthier to actively promote safer practices - anyone experienced should appreciate that even if their preferred methods is considered riskier.

[Deleted Member]

  14 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

...All kink carries a risk, but I think it's healthier to actively promote safer practices - anyone experienced should appreciate that even if their preferred methods is considered riskier.

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Oh, for sure. There's a whole bit in the article about what to do if you see actual dangerous practise. It is good to have an eye out for people's safety. I think there's a difference between showing concern because you know hitting somewhere there hard, over and over is going to end up in organ damage (for example) and censoring someone's play because it's not what you're into. 

Knowing the difference, well that's the trick. I think, if there is time, talking to someone else like a DM or event organiser to get their opinion and to have them intercede is probably best. Only step in yourself if a person is in direct distress/danger. 

 

[Deleted Member]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Together we are stronger and work to ending kink shaming.  <3

[ey****]

  50 minutes ago, VictoriaBlisse said:

Knowing the difference, well that's the trick. I think, if there is time, talking to someone else like a DM or event organiser to get their opinion and to have them intercede is probably best. Only step in yourself if a person is in direct distress/danger. 

 

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Oh yeah - if in public never ever interrupt someone's scene - if in doubt, see a DM.

Equally....... if you are doing play that may draw attention, tipping off the DM is probably a good bet also...

[Deleted Member]

  12 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Oh yeah - if in public never ever interrupt someone's scene - if in doubt, see a DM.

Equally....... if you are doing play that may draw attention, tipping off the DM is probably a good bet also...

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Definitely, the DM can then maybe advise the best place to do such a scene etc to minimise any kind of distress to others. 

[ey****]

I think two fold, one is that - like you say, the venue may have a space or suggestion for the play.  Many venues just have one play space, but there's a few I can think of where there's a room which is (almost) anything goes - so by entering the room you accept you may see something risque.

But then also it means that the DM knows they know what they're doing and not to intervene.