Consent and crying BDSM

[theveryreverendfrued]

I'm new to Kinkland. I've always been domineering and sadistic in solo (fantasy) play... but only brought it into reality over the last year. So bear with me, I might sound like a complete newb.  

My latest sub is very sub. She wants it to be a full time thing (which I'm not into), and also wants me to hurt her and have crying BDSM scenes. Here's the problem... if there isn't clear consent, it's not sexy for me. And I'm having a hard time rationalizing crying (BDSM) and consent existing simultaneously. Crying BDSM sounds hot, don't get me wrong, but is someone really physically enjoying themselves while in enough *** to make them cry? I'm really torn about this one. Any insight (esp from subs) would be much appreciated. 

 

[BigPolly]

You need to talk, then when you’ve talked you need to talk some more & when you’ve done that keep talking. If one of you isn’t comfortable it doesn’t happen it really is as simple as that or it will emotionally destroy you & ruin your role as a Dom/Sub If you were the one who wanted to create immense *** on her until she cried (crying BDSM scene) & she wasn’t happy about that you wouldnt do it as that then becomes ***......well that works both ways. You need to respect each other. You’re allowed to say ‘no’ as much as your sub is. You either find alternatives that turn you both on or walk away accepting she’s not the right sub for you & vice versa. If it’s not sexy for you, even if you’re doing something that turns her on so much & you’re still not twitching then, there’s no point to that particular act. Realistically she wants a full time Dom who’s going to create immense ***. You have admitted that this isn’t you.... I sound harsh don’t i, I don’t mean to but you sound like you are both on 2 different pages. you’re questioning if you should step away from what you want as a Dom to keep her happy....No! That isn’t healthy & can be quite dangerous in the bdsm world. Personally as a sub I wouldn’t dream of making demands to a Dom about levels of ***/pleasure, however we are all different. 😊

[Jed]

As always sound advice from BigPolly....your level of communication is of the utmost importance in any dynamic....and it has to be at the forefront of both your minds in order for you to progress...if one of you has difficulties doing so that will only end in missinterpretation and or worse a complete lack of trust....sit down together and right a list of the pros n cons of what both of you want from each other...hopefully within that you find the common ground and understanding you both need...take care and if in doubt ask for more help.  Crying BDSM scenes need much negotiation

[ey****]

some people have different likes and levels and some people want to be play to a crying BDSM scene, or to extremes or whatever : it's not abnormal and there's probably a whole bunch of different reasons why people like it  - sexual and non-sexual.

The kinda problem is, that if you're not happy to take it that far -then this isn't fair on you or your wants.

As the others have said, a good conversation is needed.  Perhaps you might be happier to build up over time : perhaps you might not be - and there's nothing wrong with either.  But it's best to raise now and look for solutions and direction between you then go on so long when one or both isn't really happy with how you are doing things.

 

[Deleted Member]

I won't pretend to know everything, but some fetishes and things that turn people on are very unorthodox. You just have to have faith that your safety word, action, and sound are easy to remember in times of distress (when it gets too much)

[JigmeDatse]

Here's my take, one can consent to being made to cry, and one can not consent to being made to cry.  That means that as the person experiencing a crying BDSM scene  could or could not be consenting to it...

On the other hand, one can consent to making a person cry, and one can not consent to making a person cry.  That is, you could say that being asked, or told that your partner wants you to do a crying BDSM scene where they cry is something you are willing to do, or something you are not willing to do.

You can't ever be totally sure at the time whether something is being consented to, or not, but if you have an agreement up front, and you have good sense of what actually means no, and that no will not be "impossible to express" in the moment, then a person can consent to a lot of different things.  

Which doesn't mean that you consent to doing them.  

[Lugnut-4292]

I'm a sub and never really cry, certainly not during play. Some people cry more easily than others. Perhaps crying is some kind of relief. I find play quite emotional and it is a release for me, a way of helping to deal with issues in my life in a safe manner. There is nothing wrong with that as long as it is consensual and the sub is still able to use a safe word or action. However, if it is a problem for you then it is a problem for both of you and as others have said, talk it through.

L