Submission Is...The Music

[CopperKnob]

Not the choreography

Sometimes BDSM can be seen as an elitist pursuit.
Sometimes it feels cliquey.
Sometimes it feels like we can only be subs if 'they' approve of our version of submission.
'Real' subs are obedient. They can recite the 263 gazillion Slave Rules. They can take a barbed wire flogger without breaking a sweat. They can hang upside down in a complex suspension with an apple in their mouths for six hours. If you can’t do these things, you can’t be a sub. At least that's what it can sometimes feel like when you're new and have no friends in the 'lifestyle' or 'community' to lean on for moral support.

It feels daunting.

It feels insular.

It feels lonely.

It takes time to understand what BDSM means to you. As a sub, it takes time to understand what your submission looks like.

I’m not that☝️kind of sub. For me, submission is like dancing. You don’t build it out of hard and fast, unmoveable expectations. You only need to turn on the music. I will feel it in my heart and all that follows will come naturally.

If you turn power exchange into a didactic one-step two-step, something similar to being straight out of Christian Grey’s contract file, maybe I will follow your steps for a while, but I won’t feel the rhythm in my bones. Music is meant to make your hairs stand on end, and I'd like BDSM to feel the same. Orders and expectations only feel like work to me and I already have a job, when in fact, I'd much rather take it easy, be a lady of leisure. Show me your vulnerability instead, and I’ll become the very definition of submission as I see it.

Do you want me? Play something.
Do you want a puppet? I think I’ll hang back against this wall until a better conductor comes along. I just can’t be obedient unless I feel a song echoing through my every cell.

Power exchange is just you playing against me, playing against you, playing in our own private musical. That requires you and I to reveal the trueness of ourselves we usually hide from others. The most compelling Doms I know say they want to see all the way through a sub’s skin. Sometimes though, they forget that we want to see through theirs too.

Steely eyes, a growly voice (whilst nice) and a narcissistic ego don’t show me the power I look for in a Dom. I want someone strong enough to lay his secrets out in the air around him and someone who can draw out mine, like a melody. Now I feel a rhythm. Now I hear a chord. Do you hear it? That’s the purity of you and I. Now we can create this dynamic, one note of truth, one spark of 'shame', one disclosure at a time.

[Dustykat]

I think submission is like that for a lot of people, it's unseen and a vibration you feel with your body and you are correct that not all conductors will play the symphony you desire and I love that you take a step back when the music is not right 🧚‍♀️

[ge****]

That explains my two left feet then 😃

Seriously though - describing it as a dance is a good analogy, finding the right rhythm and tempo, finding someone whose steps match your own, who's in synch with the same tune as you are all key elements.

Now who's for some side, together, clap? 😃

[Nicky898]

This is great piece, and definitely struck a cord with me . Thank you for sharing

[CopperKnob]

  23 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

That explains my two left feet then 😃

Seriously though - describing it as a dance is a good analogy, finding the right rhythm and tempo, finding someone whose steps match your own, who's in synch with the same tune as you are all key elements.

Now who's for some side, together, clap? 😃

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Not upside your head? Always a fave

[ge****]

  1 minute ago, CopperKnob said:

Not upside your head? Always a fave

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Trouble is I always used to be rowing forwards when everyone else was going back 🤣😂

[CopperKnob]

  13 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Trouble is I always used to be rowing forwards when everyone else was going back 🤣😂

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😂😂

[Th****]

Like all of your writings, this was engaging, informative and enjoyable.

I am just starting out on my journey as a dominant (whatever that means, right?) and honestly, I have similar feelings on this side (daunting, insular). There are things about this lifestyle that are dark, dangerous and frightening. The truth: an experienced submissive can be as intimidating to a new dominant as visa versa. So yes. Trust, openness, vulnerability, respect and responsibility. These things create a bedrock in all relationships, but all the more important here because of the raw intensity and potential risk to both body and mind.

I often think the reason doms and subs embark on this journey together is to have a touchstone in each other, something to cling to throughout the intensity of the experience, someone to laugh with and embrace once it's over.

And even while writing the above, a part of me asks "is this what a dominant should say?". Shouldn't I be forever frowning instead, cold and unflinching like a statue? Isn't that what's expected of me? Some might say so. Some might roll their eyes.

But I say bollocks to that. I'm a person, not a statue. So I will continue to smile, and laugh and be a person. Enjoy the dance, as you put it, with passion and empathy and openness.

I've been reading your posts for months and felt compelled (primarily at the behest of my gorgeous and wonderful sub) to respond. Perhaps it will make me feel less insular, or daunted.

Right now I feel naked, exposed. Not unlike - I suspect - a microcosm of how a submissive feels in the hands of their dominant sometimes. And it strikes me that it's probably wise for someone on this side of the coin to try to understand and experience that, before administering it.

Thank you for your writings, and approaching the topic with humour, grace and honesty.

My apologies for the essay length response.

[CopperKnob]

  1 hour ago, ThoughtfullyDominant said:

Like all of your writings, this was engaging, informative and enjoyable.

I am just starting out on my journey as a dominant (whatever that means, right?) and honestly, I have similar feelings on this side (daunting, insular). There are things about this lifestyle that are dark, dangerous and frightening. The truth: an experienced submissive can be as intimidating to a new dominant as visa versa. So yes. Trust, openness, vulnerability, respect and responsibility. These things create a bedrock in all relationships, but all the more important here because of the raw intensity and potential risk to both body and mind.

I often think the reason doms and subs embark on this journey together is to have a touchstone in each other, something to cling to throughout the intensity of the experience, someone to laugh with and embrace once it's over.

And even while writing the above, a part of me asks "is this what a dominant should say?". Shouldn't I be forever frowning instead, cold and unflinching like a statue? Isn't that what's expected of me? Some might say so. Some might roll their eyes.

But I say bollocks to that. I'm a person, not a statue. So I will continue to smile, and laugh and be a person. Enjoy the dance, as you put it, with passion and empathy and openness.

I've been reading your posts for months and felt compelled (primarily at the behest of my gorgeous and wonderful sub) to respond. Perhaps it will make me feel less insular, or daunted.

Right now I feel naked, exposed. Not unlike - I suspect - a microcosm of how a submissive feels in the hands of their dominant sometimes. And it strikes me that it's probably wise for someone on this side of the coin to try to understand and experience that, before administering it.

Thank you for your writings, and approaching the topic with humour, grace and honesty.

My apologies for the essay length response.

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Comments like yours are why I post. It's great that questions are posed/answered here but I learn from the lived experience/feelings others and I'm sure others do too. I wish that more Dom's would do so, it would be so insightful

[Deleted Member]

So many never get to hear the music as it is drowned out by the noise created by their experiences, hang-ups, prejudices and expectations. There are the strident tunes of all that is new, tempting, distracting, and they deflect the listener from concentrating on the softer notes of what they truly need. The music can come from anywhere, from anyone, yet you have to be still enough to recognise it and find the source.

This is a lovely post, and great to see that others have the same approach/thoughts on what will make a connection special.

[ge****]

  25 minutes ago, TheScribe said:

So many never get to hear the music as it is drowned out by the noise created by their experiences, hang-ups, prejudices and expectations. There are the strident tunes of all that is new, tempting, distracting, and they deflect the listener from concentrating on the softer notes of what they truly need. The music can come from anywhere, from anyone, yet you have to be still enough to recognise it and find the source.

This is a lovely post, and great to see that others have the same approach/thoughts on what will make a connection special.

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And that's the thing with music - whatever the variety - you need to truly listen to it to fully appreciate it, take in the beat, the rhythm, the lyrics and more - only then can you begin to understand it, appreciate it and move to it - all of which align very much to this lifestyle.

[Th****]

  1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

Comments like yours are why I post. It's great that questions are posed/answered here but I learn from the lived experience/feelings others and I'm sure others do too. I wish that more Dom's would do so, it would be so insightful

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You're right, the dominant perspective does often seem muted, in *** of appearing *** and thus weak, I suspect (certainly that's the case for me emotionally, despite my rational belief that being *** with others is a sign of strength).

Agreed. Discussion and shared experience are excellent teachers, and we should all be learning always.

[Th****]

  10 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

And that's the thing with music - whatever the variety - you need to truly listen to it to fully appreciate it, take in the beat, the rhythm, the lyrics and more - only then can you begin to understand it, appreciate it and move to it - all of which align very much to this lifestyle.

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Wonderfully put by you both.

[Deleted Member]

It is one of many visions. I can well imagine that there are people who think otherwise.

[Deleted Member]

The music that my gentle Dom and I create is so beautiful sometimes it makes me cry. I wouldn’t swap that for all the steely-eyed growling in the world. 
 

Your writing, as always, is superb. x

[Ar****]

  On 12/1/2021 at 6:52 AM, ThoughtfullyDominant said:

Like all of your writings, this was engaging, informative and enjoyable.

I am just starting out on my journey as a dominant (whatever that means, right?) and honestly, I have similar feelings on this side (daunting, insular). There are things about this lifestyle that are dark, dangerous and frightening. The truth: an experienced submissive can be as intimidating to a new dominant as visa versa. So yes. Trust, openness, vulnerability, respect and responsibility. These things create a bedrock in all relationships, but all the more important here because of the raw intensity and potential risk to both body and mind.

I often think the reason doms and subs embark on this journey together is to have a touchstone in each other, something to cling to throughout the intensity of the experience, someone to laugh with and embrace once it's over.

And even while writing the above, a part of me asks "is this what a dominant should say?". Shouldn't I be forever frowning instead, cold and unflinching like a statue? Isn't that what's expected of me? Some might say so. Some might roll their eyes.

But I say bollocks to that. I'm a person, not a statue. So I will continue to smile, and laugh and be a person. Enjoy the dance, as you put it, with passion and empathy and openness.

I've been reading your posts for months and felt compelled (primarily at the behest of my gorgeous and wonderful sub) to respond. Perhaps it will make me feel less insular, or daunted.

Right now I feel naked, exposed. Not unlike - I suspect - a microcosm of how a submissive feels in the hands of their dominant sometimes. And it strikes me that it's probably wise for someone on this side of the coin to try to understand and experience that, before administering it.

Thank you for your writings, and approaching the topic with humour, grace and honesty.

My apologies for the essay length response.

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I think that, whether starting out or not, there is never any need to apologise for a response such as this, whatever it's length - it is exactly what we need to see more of, and personally it has given me a much-needed lift. I haven't been in the best place for the past couple of days. I'm usually really good at staying positive and seeing the best in people/situations, yet this week I've seen such animosity and lack of empathy and compassion (not necessarily here, it's seemed to be everywhere) that last night it overwhelmed and broke me a little. I knew it would pass, that doesn't always help at the time though.

I came back to see if there were any new comments on this thread because it had a profound effect on me when I first read it, and I'm glad I did. Your response has played a huge part in reminding me of of what is essentially good about people, so for that I'd like to thank you.

Write as much as you want as often as you want, and so long as you follow Wheaton's Law you'll never be judged 😉

[Th****]

  5 hours ago, Aranhis said:

I think that, whether starting out or not, there is never any need to apologise for a response such as this, whatever it's length - it is exactly what we need to see more of, and personally it has given me a much-needed lift. I haven't been in the best place for the past couple of days. I'm usually really good at staying positive and seeing the best in people/situations, yet this week I've seen such animosity and lack of empathy and compassion (not necessarily here, it's seemed to be everywhere) that last night it overwhelmed and broke me a little. I knew it would pass, that doesn't always help at the time though.

I came back to see if there were any new comments on this thread because it had a profound effect on me when I first read it, and I'm glad I did. Your response has played a huge part in reminding me of of what is essentially good about people, so for that I'd like to thank you.

Write as much as you want as often as you want, and so long as you follow Wheaton's Law you'll never be judged 😉

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Thank you for reaching out, sorry to hear you've been struggling to stay positive. You're not alone, I was feeling just the same way as you until I read CopperKnob's original post.

The world (both in kink and in the wider sense) can certainly seem (and sadly, be) lacking in empathy and compassion sometimes, especially for those of us drawn to the darker corners.

But I'm really, really glad this discussion helped give you a lift - it has for me too 😁, and your honesty and willingness to engage is greatly appreciated. Both by myself and - I expect - many others who may choose not to say it publicly.

And Wheaton's Law! Has been a while since I heard it mentioned! But definitely words to live by.

[angelbrite77]

What an amazingly authentic, ***, beautiful post..I relate so well.

Very powerful

Thanks for sharing x