Feeling sub-par not sub

[Newandcurious]

I recently entered into a D/s relationship with someone I just met. He wants to have another female join us. The other night we had someone that was going to join but they backed out. So I said do you still want me to come over and he said no. I dunno if it’s because I’ve only had pretty vanilla sexual relationships but that seemed maybe a bit harsh? Is it my role to accept that or are they just using me to get what they want? I of course want to please him but I can’t help but feel like I’m not wanted. Is this all in my head? Thanks in advance. 

[Invisible71]

Morning. 

Every situation is different... Did he offer an explanation to his "No"? 

Even in the deepest of D/S dynamics respect must be there and if that isn't there, get the hell out of the situation and try elsewhere. 

 

Be safe. 

 

 

[ge****]

Can see how it might "seem" he didn't want you on that occasion, and yes it does seem harsh, but the answers to your questions may lie in how he is at other times - does he generally stick to his plans when he makes them with you when no-one else is involved? Does he make you feel wanted at all other times? Did he give a reason he didn't want you to come over beyond saying he didn't want you to? Perhaps he had built things up, or had specific plans for the threesome that would have made just the two of you not work somehow.

May also depend on how serious your relationship is, if it's a more casual thing perhaps he didn't think it was any big deal.

Not saying he was right to say no, or that some of what you are feeling/thinking is wrong, just trying to look at other perspectives.

Have you tried talking to him and telling him how it's made you feel? And if so what was his reaction?

[Newandcurious]

I honestly can’t answer those questions bc it’s so new. We’ve only had one encounter which I thought went well. Prior to this latest incident he had asked me to come over but only if I brought another girl. I said no (bc I was not prepared for that) and asked why it couldn’t be just me and I was basically told to not question his needs and that he doesn’t do regular hookups.  We got into a huge fight and didn’t think we would talk again. He later reached out and asked if I wanted another chance  to be his sub. I’m afraid to speak up bc it may cause an argument again. 

[ge****]

Based on that additional information, I'm afraid it sounds like your ***s and feelings are on the mark and he is using you to get what he wants.

It's absolutely your right to question him, and not go ahead with things you're not comfortable with, and if doing so caused a huge fight after just one meeting then that would be a massive red flag to me.

I would give serious consideration to whether you want anything further to do with him - anyone that doesn't allow you the opportunity to question and put what's comfortable for you first, and more who makes demands of you in the way it sounds like he is, is not worthy of your time.

[ge****]

I'd add that if he has you afraid to speak up after just one meeting, then that is another red flag, and would make me question what he would be like if this were to turn into a regular thing, and what it would do to you and your own sense of worth.

[Deleted Member]

If your mental health has to suffer for them to be happy than yes they’re using you. It’s best to walk away before you suffer more

[Dr****]

It sounds like it's a fantasy of his that he wants to fulfill at any cost. If he turns you away because someone else canceled, then it's not a D/s relationship.
It sounds more like he having a fit for not getting his way.
As a Dom, he should first build trust with his main sub, before trying to bring someone else in the mix.
If there is not a true foundation, then how do you expect others to be involved in the dynamic.

[lolli-leigh]

First and Foremost, you are a beautiful and wonderful person. Secondly I mirror the comments already made. Your Submission is his to earn, not his to say do you want another chance. Our D/s relationships should make us feel safe, secure and able to open up as a D or a s.

I don't know if you have read any books on Bdsm but please do if you haven't. Also have a good look through the forums and magazines for support.

[Newandcurious]

So I raised my concerns to him and he freaked out and said I wasn’t cut out for this. He no longer wants a relationship with me and will not speak to me. 

[ge****]

57 minutes ago, Newandcurious said:

So I raised my concerns to him and he freaked out and said I wasn’t cut out for this. He no longer wants a relationship with me and will not speak to me. 

In other words he spat his dummy because *you* raised *your* concerns - and *he* didn't get what *he* wanted and had chosen to try and deflect all that on you by saying you're not cut out for it.

I think that speaks volumes, not only about him, but that you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.

The one with the problem here is very much him, not you and don't lose sight of that - he may well come back, as he did before, but if I were you I'd have nothing to do with it - he was obviously out to use you, and that could well lead to ***.

Take some time to learn more about yourself as a submissive and what it means to you, how to spot the danger signs etc and remember just because you are submissive doesn't mean you don't have a brain of your own, or have to blindly follow everything you are told or asked to do.

[Dr****]

1 hour ago, Newandcurious said:

So I raised my concerns to him and he freaked out and said I wasn’t cut out for this. He no longer wants a relationship with me and will not speak to me. 

Sounds like he throwing a tantrum, because he didn't get his way.
He didn't want dynamic, he wanted to have a conquest of 2 women. Make him feel like a big man.

[Mak96]

I’m hoping you’re doing okay. ❤️ I also felt taken advantage of in my first online D/S encounter and got discouraged. Don’t give up! And good job on raising your concerns and expressing your feelings and boundaries!

[Je****]

2 hours ago, Newandcurious said:

I honestly can’t answer those questions bc it’s so new. We’ve only had one encounter which I thought went well. Prior to this latest incident he had asked me to come over but only if I brought another girl. I said no (bc I was not prepared for that) and asked why it couldn’t be just me and I was basically told to not question his needs and that he doesn’t do regular hookups.  We got into a huge fight and didn’t think we would talk again. He later reached out and asked if I wanted another chance  to be his sub. I’m afraid to speak up bc it may cause an argument again. 

Sorry but all of this is red flaggy. 

Big alarm bells. 

You are within your right to not want another woman over to play where you are involved. 

I am definitely reading this as he only wants to see you if you bring another female. 

What?? So the 'regular hookups' he doesnt want with you is ok when you have a 3rd? 

He threw his dummy out... and then says 'dont question me'... 

Sorry no!!! Argh. 

Then him saying do YOU want another chance to be his sub... nah. He should be begging for another chance to be your dom after how he behaved. 

 

Honestly though.. i dont blame you for feeling unwanted and confused. I would be too in this situation. But the fact youre afraid to speak up to him.. i think thats tell sign enough you need to walk and say adios to the fella. 

 

Big hugs

[PassionateAngel]

This is definitely a red flag and one to seriously question; hell even to stay with such a person who is not looking you as they should and I would highly suggest you find someone that deserves you sweetie x

[Deleted Member]

It is a Red flag indeed. Stay away from a selfish user like that. It wont do you any good. Why is your submission not good enough for him? All the best. :)

[lolli-leigh]

3 hours ago, Newandcurious said:

So I raised my concerns to him and he freaked out and said I wasn’t cut out for this. He no longer wants a relationship with me and will not speak to me. 

Good for you speaking up and he is clearly not cut out to be a Dom. Take care, reflect and learn from this. You are worth 100% more than anything he has to offer. 

[Nylon-Nellie]

Sounds as though he wants a sub who will do as her told and not to ask questions. 

Bringing in another woman has to be agreed upon from both sides, not just from his side.

I would walk away from him. Not all Doms are like this, just the minority that will take the p*sh. Block him and please don't answer his messages, no matter how apologetic he is.

 

[TheBookCollector]

Nothing much to add except to say you are better off with out him. He was only in it.for what he could get.

Chalk it upto experience, learn, and move on. The right person will come along, just dont try and rush into something take your time to build a foundation for the future.

[Matttster]

Good for you!! It seems as though you had a learning experience, and although likely ***ful better then many have.

Listen to your gut and do not allow yourself to be mistreated. It can be difficult finding the right relationship/dynamic, but so not settle.

[Newandcurious]

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. 

[Strengan]

He sounds like a complete loser and user get rid

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, Newandcurious said:

So I raised my concerns to him and he freaked out and said I wasn’t cut out for this. He no longer wants a relationship with me and will not speak to me. 

This to me sounds very much like he is a narcissistic person and you are much better off not being in a D/S dynamic with that type of person. I always go out if my way to make my subs feel safe and secure so they can raise anything with me including asking me to do or not do something, after all it’s about mutual benefit and enjoyment and not about a “Dom” dictating what a sub does purely based on their desires when the sub has not negotiated and consented to something such as involving a third party.

[Deleted Member]

23 hours ago, Newandcurious said:

So I raised my concerns to him and he freaked out and said I wasn’t cut out for this. He no longer wants a relationship with me and will not speak to me. 

He’s gaslighting you. He’s making you feel like shit for his *** so you think it’s you’re the problem when it is him, don’t listen to him. He knows nothing about this lifestyle, an actual dominant would loook out for your well being in every shape and form, and would never *** anything upon you. Don’t let him brainwashed you. don’t do the Same mistake I did and suffer for a very long time and it’s going to get worse and he would never take responsibility for his action only when he want to brainwashed you again but it would be an endless circle of ***. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved and not taken advantage of, deserve everything you have always wanted in a person nothing less 

[Koby]

Relationship Context is so important. You may have a power differential Relationship but as Human Beings/Couple you both deserve good communication.

Just because you are a sub, it doesn't mean someone can communicate with you anyway they want.

Respect, Trust and Honesty are the key pillars of BDSM but it can't be a one way street. It needs to be reciprocal. 

Sounds like....he is treating you as a means to his own ends.