Polyamory; lifestyle choice or sexuality?

December 16, 2021

In theory polyamory makes a lot of sense. Build a group of supportive people who can meet your varied emotional, physical and sexual needs, rather than attempting to find a single person who fulfils all these roles. In reality it appears that polyamory is still, even in the kink community, regularly rejected. I meet people willing, indeed keen, for me to cause them physical harm to a life threatening level, but they do not want a committed relationship with someone who has commitments to another other.

Coming out to myself as polyamorous was not an easy process for me. I was my own most critical judge, as I had been throughout my life, unable to understand my feelings, let alone accept them. But recognising it as my sexuality rather than a lifestyle choice gave me a lot more confidence to express myself and willingness to accept this aspect of me. I realised that even if I chose to live in a monogamous relationship, I would still be polyamorous.

I wondered what other people’s opinions and experiences are?

December 16, 2021

I'm polyamorous. I live with Fen @Boldbald so I guess he is my "primary" partner. We don't see ourselves as a "couple", we are both polyamorous, free to love who we choose.

I have relationships with other people, as he does. We both have our loves alongside our relationship.

I can relate to the monogamous relationship, for me it's part of being polyamorous... mono "one", poly "many". One is part of many.

December 16, 2021

I think kinda, believe it or not - monogamy has only really been the norm for the past 1000 years.

The concept of polyamory becomes difficult for us because we've spent our lives being taught monogamy as being, well, how it is.

I don't feel mono or poly is a sexuality. Even to the sense that someone who is monogamous doesn't stop developing sexual attraction or other connections to others; even if they don't (want to) act on it.

I feel a lot of people don't understand poly because it goes against everything they know; but even if someone does they may still prefer mono for assorted reasons.

In my set up.
I am married. I live with my wife. They are my primary.

They have a girlfriend, my wife's girlfriend is also married with a partner who she lives with.

I presently have no other formal relationships although did have a Mistress for a run of time.

There are others I play with to different degrees even if we are not formally in a relationship. My wife generally knows who I'm with and when.

Although a lot of the ladies I meet is for BDSM play rather than sex - in a monogamous relationship what I'm doing would 100% be cheating.

December 16, 2021

Sorry for the housekeeping but obviously there are no need for insults

we also do not tolerate transphobia on this site.

December 16, 2021

Wow.That got out of hand fast 🙄

December 16, 2021

2 hours ago, weaslekit said:

In theory polyamory makes a lot of sense. Build a group of supportive people who can meet your varied emotional, physical and sexual needs, rather than attempting to find a single person who fulfils all these roles. In reality it appears that polyamory is still, even in the kink community, regularly rejected. I meet people willing, indeed keen, for me to cause them physical harm to a life threatening level, but they do not want a committed relationship with someone who has commitments to another other.

Coming out to myself as polyamorous was not an easy process for me. I was my own most critical judge, as I had been throughout my life, unable to understand my feelings, let alone accept them. But recognising it as my sexuality rather than a lifestyle choice gave me a lot more confidence to express myself and willingness to accept this aspect of me. I realised that even if I chose to live in a monogamous relationship, I would still be polyamorous.

I wondered what other people’s opinions and experiences are?

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I am still learning and experiencing poly. Trying at least. I have a wonderful partner I know I'd consider as a primary, and I am wanting to learn ho to reach out to others and share myself and my love. No one is a 100% match for anyone, but while I am mostly from a mono background (brought up on old tradition so to speak), I believe that some people are soulmates. But not that that limits you to exploring. I am still getting comfy with a few things and going out of my comfort zone with trust and such but it is a road I know I must take.

As for it being a "sexuality", I think I would disagree on that. I think it is a lifestyle, choice, preference and it doesn't limit your sexual attractions or make someone more or less attractive. People can be mono within poly to my understanding (not having a 3rd or someone come into an exisiting relationship) and yet having multiple that don't intervene. I do find it's more difficult to find people accepting of polyamory and kind of run once they know you are committed to someone. But, that just means they aren't meant for you.

December 16, 2021

The only paradigm I have found to understand my life experience is that polyamory is my sexuality. I have had these feelings, which I did not act upon, during a very long monogamous marriage. I was not choosing them, in fact having no experience other than a traditional monogamous one, I was deeply disturbed by them.

December 16, 2021

I hope one day, the world will recognise that relationship orientation is as set in stone as sexual orientation for some people. It’s not always a conscious choice, it’s who you are x

December 16, 2021

I'm not sure I agree it's a choice or preference, I think it's something you are.

I fall in love quickly and deeply. I'm fickle.

I cheated on my ex, not because I didnt love him but because amongst a lot of other things, I was polyamorous and living a lie. I loved the guy I cheated with (turns out he was an evil, manipulative predator) and it tore my soul apart being part of the deceit.

I'm a reclusive sort, have a small circle of friends and I don't (as a rule) enjoy company, especially for long periods.

Being poly allows me, and the people I'm involved with, total freedom.

I've found more love than I ever thought possible through being poly...

Learnt how to give, freely...

Accepted that I'm worthy of worship, adoration and love...

The beauty of polyamory, for me, is the freedom to love and be loved. Be that by one, or more.

December 16, 2021

6 minutes ago, BountyHunter said:

I'm not sure I agree it's a choice or preference, I think it's something you are.

I fall in love quickly and deeply. I'm fickle.

I cheated on my ex, not because I didnt love him but because amongst a lot of other things, I was polyamorous and living a lie. I loved the guy I cheated with (turns out he was an evil, manipulative predator) and it tore my soul apart being part of the deceit.

I'm a reclusive sort, have a small circle of friends and I don't (as a rule) enjoy company, especially for long periods.

Being poly allows me, and the people I'm involved with, total freedom.

I've found more love than I ever thought possible through being poly...

Learnt how to give, freely...

Accepted that I'm worthy of worship, adoration and love...

The beauty of polyamory, for me, is the freedom to love and be loved. Be that by one, or more.

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That’s such really beautiful honest way to describe such a ***ful experience. I cheated on my ex, after 33 years together. I knew we had to separate, I still love him, but I can not be with him and also be me. I am totally not poly-shaming but I would not have chosen it. It’s who I am

December 16, 2021

7 minutes ago, SophieSlut11 said:

I hope one day, the world will recognise that relationship orientation is as set in stone as sexual orientation for some people. It’s not always a conscious choice, it’s who you are x
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That is such an eloquent way to describe it ‘relationship orientation’ x

December 16, 2021

I've always been a believer that it's only cheating if you're hiding it from your significants. I hate lying it leads to way too much drama. I believe that the couples that feel free to play, stay.

December 16, 2021

39 minutes ago, Dancingbear225 said:

I've always been a believer that it's only cheating if you're hiding it from your significants. I hate lying it leads to way too much drama. I believe that the couples that feel free to play, stay.

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Well said

December 18, 2021

Choice also a kind of relationship not sexuality, you can say “I’m polyamorous” but not in a sexuality way

December 18, 2021

Why can't it be both potentially?!? Seeming what bad-roles my family made out of supposed monogomy I kinda learnt early in in life that it isn't real & Dosnt actually work either in the reality(s) unless ***ps are very commited which they weren't 💀😬💀 I think poly-amoury is more honest & natural for someone like me who's grown up seeing marriage/commitments being a joke in their own relatives that illusion has been killed-off early 💀😬 so it strongly affects my identity!!! I've also learnt eXpecting everything from one main person Dosnt work when they aren't having the same desires you can seriously waste your lifetime going nowhere being poorly attached & I know that I can love/desire more than 1 person at a time because I already do have attachments now whether I can be with them in actuality or not.....1st you have to know your own self and then try and work out how dynamics will work out in real-terms which all depends on honesty on both-sides or there's nothing worth having......better being commited poly than cheating/lying/playing away fascade of marriage/family and everyone's not getting a proper relationship anyway from those they depend on because too much bullshit we need different ***ps in our lives different dynamics to me that's normal but it doesn't mean sleeping around casually either to me!! Monogomy or marriage can be a massive turn-off or downer to sexuality life-drive & identity when as child you've seen it badly a new way of connecting IS the only option open then tbh 🔥💀🔥***ps should not be rejected or judged as long as they genuinely bring something deceñt to the table!!!

December 18, 2021

3 minutes ago, Rock21RosesAndRopes said:

Why can't it be both potentially?!? Seeming what bad-roles my family made out of supposed monogomy I kinda learnt early in in life that it isn't real & Dosnt actually work either in the reality(s) unless ***ps are very commited which they weren't 💀😬💀 I think poly-amoury is more honest & natural for someone like me who's grown up seeing marriage/commitments being a joke in their own relatives that illusion has been killed-off early 💀😬 so it strongly affects my identity!!! I've also learnt eXpecting everything from one main person Dosnt work when they aren't having the same desires you can seriously waste your lifetime going nowhere being poorly attached & I know that I can love/desire more than 1 person at a time because I already do have attachments now whether I can be with them in actuality or not.....1st you have to know your own self and then try and work out how dynamics will work out in real-terms which all depends on honesty on both-sides or there's nothing worth having......better being commited poly than cheating/lying/playing away fascade of marriage/family and everyone's not getting a proper relationship anyway from those they depend on because too much bullshit we need different ***ps in our lives different dynamics to me that's normal but it doesn't mean sleeping around casually either to me!! Monogomy or marriage can be a massive turn-off or downer to sexuality life-drive & identity when as child you've seen it badly a new way of connecting IS the only option open then tbh 🔥💀🔥***ps should not be rejected or judged as long as they genuinely bring something deceñt to the table!!!

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Well said my friend x

April 13, 2023

Regarding a serious relationship, my personal thoughts, **at least at this time**, are that polyamory is a choice/lifestyle/sexuality that is easier/simpler to engage in than it is to learn what it is to commit to one person, learn how to have a relationship, how to make it thrive and how to manage the challenges. Challenges like, wanting to screw other people because the person I'm with is great, but they don't do X or they don't have Y attribute and I need more. It lacks the emotional intimacy a committed relationship would have because it does not, by nature, demand full commitment to one person, with the risks and challenges that go along with that.

Mentally, full commitment only comes with that risk. Polyamory is a commitment to not committing. It's a choice to never go all in. And never meet the parts of you that, I think, actually really desire deep emotional intimacy or those other dark, hidden parts of you that are terrified of leaping into giving your heart entirely to one person who then has the power to break it. It's a lifestyle choice made from *** of and inability to have commitment to, or emotional intimacy with, another person.
Commitment is scary and has hard challenges. If a person can't see how they could possibly get past them, polyamory is a fallback.
Just a view. If it's working for you, or at least seems to be, enjoy polyamory, live your life your way.

April 14, 2023

11 hours ago, Aeonova said:

Regarding a serious relationship, my personal thoughts, **at least at this time**, are that polyamory is a choice/lifestyle/sexuality that is easier/simpler to engage in than it is to learn what it is to commit to one person, learn how to have a relationship, how to make it thrive and how to manage the challenges. Challenges like, wanting to screw other people because the person I'm with is great, but they don't do X or they don't have Y attribute and I need more. It lacks the emotional intimacy a committed relationship would have because it does not, by nature, demand full commitment to one person, with the risks and challenges that go along with that.

Mentally, full commitment only comes with that risk. Polyamory is a commitment to not committing. It's a choice to never go all in. And never meet the parts of you that, I think, actually really desire deep emotional intimacy or those other dark, hidden parts of you that are terrified of leaping into giving your heart entirely to one person who then has the power to break it. It's a lifestyle choice made from *** of and inability to have commitment to, or emotional intimacy with, another person.
Commitment is scary and has hard challenges. If a person can't see how they could possibly get past them, polyamory is a fallback.
Just a view. If it's working for you, or at least seems to be, enjoy polyamory, live your life your way.
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I absolutely accept your view. I have no problem in acknowledging monogamy as an aspect of another persons sexuality, but I have to refute your opinion that seeking multiple partners is because I judge someone as ‘not enough’ for me. If someone’s own self worth requires their partner to deny an innate part of their personality, I feel they need to look within, with the loving and respectful support of their partner, and heal the wound that makes them mis-judge themself this way

Having lived a 33 year monogamous relationship, I feel assured that no amount of commitment or hard work or love changed the part of me that is fulfilled by multiple partners of an intimate nature. To categorise deceitfully sleeping around along with forming multiple honest respectful relationships is ill informed, and personally I will not engage in a relationship with someone who is operating on these terms.

Health and happiness to you my friend x

April 14, 2023

I feel anyone who is entering into polyam, or any form of ENM, because they think it's easier - is going to have a rude awakening.

Almost any decision you make regarding one relationship could have an impact on others.

And also that you could be spending time with a partner where one of you is a little heartbroken due to a break up with another partner, or one of you is a little excitable because you have a new partner - and it comes with so many challenges.

With pure monogamy, you build up a commitment to one person. With anything outside of that, it could be commitments with multiple people, or a hybrid of committed and casual relationships which can impact each other.

April 14, 2023

40 minutes ago, weaslekit said:

I absolutely accept your view. I have no problem in acknowledging monogamy as an aspect of another persons sexuality, but I have to refute your opinion that seeking multiple partners is because I judge someone as ‘not enough’ for me. If someone’s own self worth requires their partner to deny an innate part of their personality, I feel they need to look within, with the loving and respectful support of their partner, and heal the wound that makes them mis-judge themself this way

Having lived a 33 year monogamous relationship, I feel assured that no amount of commitment or hard work or love changed the part of me that is fulfilled by multiple partners of an intimate nature. To categorise deceitfully sleeping around along with forming multiple honest respectful relationships is ill informed, and personally I will not engage in a relationship with someone who is operating on these terms.

Health and happiness to you my friend x

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I'm happy you accept my view, but you misunderstand some of it. I do not categorise cheating with polygamory. They're different. I think one is deciet, the other is a compromise for honest people who cannot see, or have not learned, how they could be happy in monogamy. And obviously, engage with whomever you like to, but perhaps sometimes we block some people out too quickly simply because of misunderstanding.
It could be said that, to think an unsuccessful 33 year long monogamous relationship equates to deep psychological study, or the study of how to be in a successful healthy relationship, is ill informed ;)

The answers to a successful relationship are not obvious, or intuitive. Just being good people who love eachother isn't enough to have a thriving relationship. Some knowledge and it's application is required, otherwise relationships either fail, even with the best intentions, or people need workarounds like polyamory.

I'm exiting the thread, so as not to sidetrack it, but will say - if you want a further private chat about my views, you're very welcome to pm me to continue x

April 14, 2023

54 minutes ago, weaslekit said:

I absolutely accept your view. I have no problem in acknowledging monogamy as an aspect of another persons sexuality, but I have to refute your opinion that seeking multiple partners is because I judge someone as ‘not enough’ for me. If someone’s own self worth requires their partner to deny an innate part of their personality, I feel they need to look within, with the loving and respectful support of their partner, and heal the wound that makes them mis-judge themself this way

Having lived a 33 year monogamous relationship, I feel assured that no amount of commitment or hard work or love changed the part of me that is fulfilled by multiple partners of an intimate nature. To categorise deceitfully sleeping around along with forming multiple honest respectful relationships is ill informed, and personally I will not engage in a relationship with someone who is operating on these terms.

Health and happiness to you my friend x

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Missed this :) our partner may be very secure in their self worth, and therefore happy, to have us be polyamory because it's an innate part of our personality.
But possibly we might think to look within, out of love and respect to ourselves (this isn't even mainly for the benefit of their our partner - it's for us), and heal a wound that makes polyamory look so necessary x

April 14, 2023

Indeed. And I am grateful that I have addressed the, admittedly at times uncomfortable, task of acknowledging my authentic self. I do not think that either monogamy or polyamory is the ‘right’ option. It is just one aspects of ourselves which we need to have a non-judgemental knowledge of to inform our own life choices, and share with those that are effected by them

April 14, 2023

2 hours ago, Aeonova said:

I'm happy you accept my view, but you misunderstand some of it. I do not categorise cheating with polygamory. They're different. I think one is deciet, the other is a compromise for honest people who cannot see, or have not learned, how they could be happy in monogamy. And obviously, engage with whomever you like to, but perhaps sometimes we block some people out too quickly simply because of misunderstanding.
It could be said that, to think an unsuccessful 33 year long monogamous relationship equates to deep psychological study, or the study of how to be in a successful healthy relationship, is ill informed ;)

The answers to a successful relationship are not obvious, or intuitive. Just being good people who love eachother isn't enough to have a thriving relationship. Some knowledge and it's application is required, otherwise relationships either fail, even with the best intentions, or people need workarounds like polyamory.

I'm exiting the thread, so as not to sidetrack it, but will say - if you want a further private chat about my views, you're very welcome to pm me to continue x

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Please let me correct you, I do not consider my 33 year relationship to be unsuccessful, that is your assumption

April 14, 2023

2 hours ago, Aeonova said:

the other is a compromise for honest people who cannot see, or have not learned, how they could be happy in monogamy.

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to spin it

you could say monogamy is for people who cannot see, or have not learned, how they could be happy in polyamory

But what works is very much down to individuals.

April 14, 2023

39 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

to spin it

you could say monogamy is for people who cannot see, or have not learned, how they could be happy in polyamory

But what works is very much down to individuals.

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I certainly assumed monogamy, and it took a lot of work to accept the polyamorous aspect of me was not ‘wrong’ or something that I needed to fix. I was very aware that I could have blamed this on my partner, if I found ‘the one’, I would not be poly any longer. Self awareness is not a project that is ever complete I guess, and unpicking it from the cultural norms we have developed within is not a straight forward task.
Can’t wait to post my ‘monogamy is a patriarchal system of female oppression’ point of view 😂