Kink after sexual and emotional trauma

[SneakMonkey]

One of the major draws to kink, for me, was the emphasis on communication, boundaries, and consent.

Coming out of some pretty bad emotionally abusive relationships, recently, I'm wondering if there's a way to distinguish between respectful invites in the bdsm world to crossing of personal boundaries.

As an example:

I went to a munch a few weeks ago, my 1st one, and the lady next to me started showing me naked pictures of herself, without any warning.

While this may seem like common sense to some on how to handle this, to me, it wasn't.

I found myself uncomfortable but also not knowing what to say or do to make her stop.

My concern for hurting her feelings was also on my mind. 

In hindsight, my feelings of discomfort and the lack of consent to show me her nudes were more important than hurting her feelings. 

She started it.🤨

Anyone else who can relate or share own stories like this, on boundaries?

[Dustykat]

Just tell them they are over sharing, it’s that simple. 🍭🧚🏻‍♀️

[MsDrawers]

Of course her trampling over your boundaries was the important thing, and possibly done deliberately, but it's hard to just politely express your discomfort if you're prone to anxiety. This has definitely got easier for me as I've had more practice and got older. I tend to strike people as very confident but I actually hate upsetting people. It's kind of interwoven with those submissive tendencies. Of course, a simple "I'm not comfortable with that" seems really easy in retrospect, but feeling secure in your own rights and feelings xan take some working at. Go you!

[Deleted Member]

That sounds horribly violating. I also thought these events were supposed to be safe to meet others of like mind.

[TheBookCollector]

I dont know how munches are done in the US but in.the UK they tend to be less formal so if this starts to happen you.can excuse yourself and say you want to mingle with others.

While its difficult, All you can do is politely state the pictures are making you feel uncomfortable and you would appreciate a chat rather than a slideshow presentation.

[Deleted Member]

I have attended many events all over Europe, but I have never experienced this. I can well imagine that you have felt quite uncomfortable. It is not done, and goes beyond all boundaries, to overwhelm someone like that.

[Re****]

A core principle of BDSM is consent.. and the free choice to remove that consent at any time.. if a situation violates that trust it is not functional.. it is not BDSM.. and - of course - it won’t connect or nurture towards any sort of intimacy..

Find a guide that asks questions about your interests, turn-offs, and limits, and listens to your responses. Explore scenarios in words first and flag up what might cause your concern. Establish boundaries for yourself and keep being open to being honest about what you really do and don’t want. X good luck

[Matttster]

Kink is supposed to be about consent, not that everyone follows this basic guideline. The woman you met may have been voyeuristic, hitting on you, or in her world just being normal. But if it did not make you comfortable it did not make you comfortable. I understand it can be difficult not looking as you want to be polite, but you need to stand up for yourself.

You are an attractive female submissive so will likely have many Dom/Dommes hitting on and likely pursuing you. Many of these people will have their best interest in mind, more worried about getting you naked then what you want. It is the same as vanilla dating, but with people that are open about the desire to do things like restrain, spank, and other such things. And unfortunately not everyone has the same view about consent.

You mention sexual and emotional trauma. This adds to the mix. You also mention the emphasis about communication, boundaries and consent. Unfortunately that is ideal, but there are too many people who do not follow these basic guidelines.

So ultimately you will have to work at standing up for yourself more. You will have to make sure that the people you interact with have focus on communication, boundaries and consent. When a woman you just met starts showing you nude pics of herself, politely move on or let her know you are not interested and/or comfortable viewing them.

I believe that the kink community has the emphasis that you mentioned, but there are too many that don’t fully embrace or understand.

As you make friends in the community, they can act as a buffer and soundboard. Take your time and stand up for yourself. Kink can be wonderful once you find the right person/people. Don’t settle, be picky about friends and partners. Best luck in your future!

[Lord_Talion]

That's bs. The lifestyle is filled with ppl that do what they want and even some vets don't do anything about. Each munch has a leader and such leaders need to have ppl of knowledge,  experience,  and the authority to tell such ppl that what they do is wrong and why.