Advice on how to get into bdsm with a vanilla bf

[Soro]

I’ve been interested in D/s before being legal. After being legal, I did try out Whiplr, and did a 1 week online thing. I really enjoyed it since I love to please. Though shame got over me, I deleted the app and never went back to the community, but I’ve been invested till this day. I do get very turned on when reading or watching anything related to bdsm. When I was 19, I met my current bf. I’ve never told him this side, and we have vanilla sex. Truth to be told, I hate sex with him because it hurts, not sure if it’s because I’m to tense, he sucks, or it’s not doing it for me. I’m dryer than the Sahara desert when we do it, so I often close my eyes and imagine something bdsm. Now here’s the thing: I want to try in-person bdsm, but don’t want to cheat on my 4 year boyfriend. I’m also terrified of his reaction if he finds out this side of me, nor do I trust him enough for him to be my dom. Any advice on how I should proceed? I’m also rethinking our relationship as well. So advice on how to get into the scene would also be nice.

[Matttster]

It seems that one way or another you need to figure something out sexually with your bf. A good relationship requires hood communication. This includes communication in the bedroom. If he is not very experienced at sex, how is he to know he is not satisfying you? You need to communicate with him, let him know what you like, what turns you on.

Same with kink, if you want to explore, be open and honest with him. Take things slow, research and experiment (making sure both of you understand the risks and how to be as safe as possible).

Why would you not trust him to be your Dom? If it is lack of experience, learn together. If you do not trust him, then it may be time to reassess the relationship.

[ge****]

Whoa!! Before you do *anything* else you need to take a huge step backwards and decide if you want this relationship at all first.

You've been together four years so something must be working, either that or you've been deceiving not only your boyfriend but yourself for a large chunk of that time.

As Mattster said, if he's not doing it for you sexually, how is your boyfriend supposed to know unless you tell him?

So my advice to you is put aside any thoughts of kink for now and decide what you want in terms of the relationship first.

Once you've decided that, if you decide to stick with it, then communicate with him - tell him how you like to be pleased, it doesn't have to be done cruelly, or in any way critically, simple guidance along the lines of "try doing this" or even guiding his hand are good ways. Talk to him openly about fantasies and not only yours but his too, likewise find out what he likes sexually too - for all you know you may be doing it wrong for him too.

From there, introduce kink slowly, if he's open to it - discover things together, not just in your head.

If you decide he's not for you, then you need to tell him, and not continue to live under the deception.

Once you have done so, take time to learn about yourself and what it is about kink you really want - become informed, know the pitfalls and then and only then seek others to get involved with - if you don't do all that you're placing yourself in a very dangerous position and leaving yourself open to ***.

Read, read and read some more, attend local munches or kink events, but as an observer not necessarily a participant and that applies whether you stick with this guy or not.

[Deleted Member]

You've been together for four years that sounds like your relationship as some strength to it. If you're feeling like the Sahara desert you need to open up about what you want. For all you know he might want to try different things as well. You could get him to do a BDSM test as a laugh and go from there. You could always introduce toys or buy a sexy outfit and surprise him. There are many different avenues you can take to try and improve your sex life but take it slow and don't hit him full on as some people can find that intimidating. As I'm finding out more being on this app communication is absolutely key. If all this fails then you'll have to be brutally honest with yourself and him for both your sakes. I wish you both luck and eventual happiness whatever the outcome.

[Deleted Member]

You need to choose what's more important for you, your current relationship or your desire to be in a D/s relationship.

You say you don't trust your vanilla BF to be your dom & from the sound of your sex life I can understand why as you seem to be lying back, thinking of something else & hoping he hurries up as your in discomfort - if after 4 years you don't get wet he either doesn't have a clue or doesn't care if you are wet or not.

For me the question isn't how you get into the scene but do you want him more than you want D/s & the bdsm lifestyle, as if you stay with him, the only way to get in to the lifestyle will be to cheat - unless of course you get his permission, which I'm assuming he wouldn't give.

What's more important, staying with him or living your life how you want to? as you can't have both if your partner is vanilla.

[Ch****]

You need to find the courage to be open with him. Relationships are built on trust and communication, it's important he accepts you as you are.

[Dancingbear225]

I guess the first question is do you not want to tell him what you want to try because you're afraid of his reaction and that he'll tell everyone you know, or you just don't feel comfortable discussing it since he's content with the sex you're having now? If you don't trust him to be your Dom, really ask yourself why. Also, if you're not happy after four years, will you be happier after 8? I guess what I'm saying is examine what you want for you, because no one is going to live your life but you. If sex is important to you, but you spend your time when it's going on just wishing it were over, then it's time to assess your priorities. I've found that when the sex is good, it is a part of the relationship, the glue you don't have to think about to much. But when it's bad, the entire relationship crumbles.

[cl****]

I agree that you need to rethink the relationship. I’ve left a few that were 4 and 5 yrs. Don’t feel like because the relationship is long that it is the right one. I find it concerning that you’re really dry for a couple reasons. 1 is that it’s a sign you’re not into the sex, and it sounds like you already know you don’t enjoy the sex with him. And 2, people can tell when you’re that dry. Why hasn’t he said something about it? Why haven’t you? I feel that should have been discussed between you two. I also think it’s interesting that you don’t trust him with this side of you. After 4 years, you should be able to have frank communication. You might feel awkward or afraid sometimes, but if you can’t have those convos, you’re not really being honest with yourself or him.

[Deleted Member]

I find that often men supress their desires due to upbringing. That was my issue. I often fantasised about it but my *** was always either that my partner would not understand, or that I would do a bad job of acting out her desires, loss of masculinity, loss of respect if it is a heavy dom scenario etc.

You have to talk it out. Start with watching porn, but nothing that will make him feel insecure. Girl on girl perhaps. Go from there.

Explore his needs first perhaps to loose him up. Ask for him to tie you up one time and tease you. Baby steps. 

Eventually, if he has it in him, he will be the man you want him to be, but it will take time.

Edited January 7, 2022 by Deleted Member

[Koby]

You don't actually need to introduce the whole concept of BDSM to him. No labels, No Roles, No kinks even.

Best way to start...is by adding fun fragments of BDSM within your relationship.

Maybe surprise him with some nice lingerie.  Maybe alittle roleplay. You want to support him to eventually see that BDSM is not an obstacle in your relationship but an enhancement.

Eventually you will need to have a chat about your needs but you don't want BDSM to be a sticky point in your relationship 

[Sir-Mark-NL]

Having ***ful sex, can lead to hating sex, or even vaginism. Already mentioned above, watch porn. Preferably together and preferably "female friendly" and yes even bdsm porn, can be femfriendly.

Be open about/to just about everything towards your boyfriend. Also encourage your boyfriend, into having some lengthy foreplay with you. And when you're still dryer than the Sahara, there's always lube. Don't be ashamed to use it, you're not the only one.

[Je****]

Oh wow okay I have had so many flags with this!

 

So BDSM in part for me, isn't what you do, but who you are. If you have this notion within you then you should explore it!

 

Now this is the points I want to touch on with you. 

 

1. Vanilla sex is hurting you (being dry). STOP what you're doing. This is awful to read. You need to address with him WHY you're dry. That you are in *** and how to rectify this. If this is hurting you no wonder your experience of it is horrible. 

- Lube. use it. dont be afraid to use it, or you are into this sort of thing, have him go down on you making you soaking wet or even spit on you. 

- address WHY you're dry. Are you attracted to him? If so then he's not the issue here. Then it's maybe the idea that vanilla sex doesn't turn you on. 

- Try foreplay to have you maybe a little excited. Now this can be vanilla OR you can maybe try to do a small gesture of bdsm for sex by introducing a pair of handcuffs and blindfold. Say your friend got you them for a laugh, so you may as well try using them for fun? Have him use them on you, see how he feels and how you feel?

- Does he not stop or question why you're dry? Does he not see you're in ***? Is it not ***ful for him trying to "push in" when you're not wet?? I can't imagine this wouldn't be all too comftable for him either!

 

2. You've always been into it or had notions for it. So with what I touched on in first point, you definately shouldn't hide that side of you!!! And you also shouldn't cheat. If you don't love or care about or respect him enough to even discuss BDSM or having some other play partner or to even seperate then there's an issue. You need to be frank with him on what you want. Self discovery is important and if he loves and cares, he'll support you in this. Slowly I am sure but he won't prevent you. 

The minute you cheat on him, with a Dom for talk's sake, and the Dom finds out either you have a partner you didn't tell him about or he finds out your partner is not aware, you'' probably attach a bad reputation for yourself. 

 

3. This is my last but most important point. 

 

"" I’m also terrified of his reaction if he finds out this side of me, nor do I trust him enough for him to be my dom. ""

You have said this. This alarms me. You are "terrified of his reaction", Why? What terrifies you? His reaction? His temper? Him leaving or judging you?

Have you tried to speak to him about BDSM? If not, how do you know he's not open to it? How do you know he wouldn't be up for something new within your relationship and it's 4 year history with you? 

Also the main bit "I don't trust him enough to be my Dom". This..... IS bad. Why do you not trust him? You trust him to spend 4 years with you, possibly living with you, access to your body, you friends, family, every day routine and other things. So why do you not trust him to be a Dom? Is there something underlying here that may cause this distrust? Like a bad temper, immaturity, is he dangerous, is he careless and naive? I'd be concerned if I was dating someone I didn't trust with my life after 4 years I'm sorry.

 

Either you speak to him about all these issues. Ask him about BDSM to open you both to it or rip the band aid off and tell him you're not happy. Now doing the last option will prompt questions from him (especially if he is unaware at present that anything is wrong) and if he does ask, you need to be honest with him. Don't lie, don't cheat. Tell him I think I am into BDSM as a normal sex life is no longer satisfying me, I *** you're not into it or I will be judged and I feel I need to walk away and live this life. 

Wait for his reponse. He might surprise you and be into it. He might behave like a dickhead and be judgey or he might not be open to it but feel like a failure so try to mind his feelings too. But be honest. If he isn't up for it, behaves inappropriately due to this or you don't actually trust him then walking after the honest talk is the best thing to do. 

If you want to save the relationship, communicate with honesty and work on bdsm WITH him being open to it, then by all means go explore with him. Ask him if you can find a Dom for him to maybe even sit in on watching to see and learn what excites you. Set your own rules and boundaries with a Dom coming in... perhaps no penetration or kissing or something. And mybe go to events and munches together as well as online research and just epxloring in bed together. It's maybe the safest and funnest way to rekindle things. 

 

Wishing you luck though but definately be honest to him and to who you feel you are. And don't settle for less.

[Deleted Member]

You need to open up and talk with the dude. Your together 4 years after all. I have told my gf about me fetishes and she aint really into it but she does try things for me every now and then which is great. 

[Breezwolf]

I get where you're coming from and it seems to me like but you need to be to have more foreplay and and to be quite honest how for me if I can't be honest with my boyfriend then we shouldn't be together if he can't accept you accept the side of you then oh well but given that you've been with him for 4 years you should try new things because if you just have vanilla sex it's just going to get boring and I think you should try to open up to him about what you like and cuz BDSM is a major part of what you like and what you don't like

[Ae****]

4 years with him - if you want to be with longer, you need to tell him what you want because you both deserve happiness with people who adore you. If he can't work with you to meet your needs, and they're very important to you, you need to end the relationship, for yourself and for him. He deserves a girl who adores being with him, you deserve to be getting what you want from your relationships, within reason.

Also, use lubricant or remedy why you're so dry. Sex should only hurt when we want it to 😉