Am I a Dom?

[PhantomFlogger]

Ive just come out of my therapy session, annoyed again that who i am and what i expect from others is my issue.

Getting angry that my therapist has no authority, always seems to stutter and portrays himself as always unsure..

Getting angry that im putting my trust into this Doctor who cant even control the conversation.

How can i trust someone with my wellbeing when as the most powerful man in the room he is so weak and disappointing.

Why do i leave every week feeling like im hurting his feeling.

Anyway i digress, am i a Dom? Please tell me im not, i look around and i see men praying on the weak, disrespectful and demanding because they hold the title of Dom.. no, im not that.

People approach me a lot demanding i dominate them or "make them the best sub" I dont like this, i ask myself, then them "why would i want to?" Is that what a Dom does? Because i dont really fancy training someone to be something they are not naturally.

Does that mean i dont like subs? In fact i dont like weakness, if i was to own something it would because its the best, or very close to it.

There are many things that hold value to me sentimentality, they have stories or need taking care of, but why so i struggle so much with finding someone who understands that D/s is more than doing as your told or bossing the other around..

Slapping an arse or choking someone makes me no more a Dom than being pitiful and needy makes you a sub.

If what i want is a second in command, do i even like subs?

I want to be challenged, i want to be the best i can be and to always improve, not just put on my Dom hat and expect subs to do my bidding just because.

So no, its clear that im not a Dom,

Im a man, one that wants to protect and create a space for my partner to be a woman..

I want to fill the gaps in them, and them fill the gaps in me, i want autonomy, not to be given chores or extra responsibilities beyond helping them be the best they can.

Why do i feel like 'Dom' is short hand for "i dont have the skills to court a woman so ill just demand obedience" and 'sub' is short for "im scared ill do the wrong thing so just tell me what to do in bed" 

So... am i a Dom? Because i dont feel like im one of them!!

Ive been PhantomFlogger, and thank you for listening to my TedTalk.

[ey****]

I feel there's a lot of terms get used as a kind of 'catch all' which causes it's own problems sometimes.

There are Dominants (and other roles) with toxic behaviours like some of the predatory stuff you mention - so it's important to distance from that.

And the old "training" thing is often born out of fantasy.  (often more male fantasy than female fantasy - but there's no one overarching way)

--

I think there's a lot in D/s and kink in general that people spend time trying to figure out.  There's a lot of misconceptions - and sometimes these can be fine.   Relationships often work when two people better each other but one-sided relationship either side of the slash can often exist or be sought - be it a Dominant focused wholly on their own needs - or a submissive who requires a lot of emotional labour or micromanagement.  (I'm not entirely saying these relationships are necessarily wrong - just how I can see how they don't work for everyone) 

--

I think rather than trying to figure out if you're Dom or not.  Trying to focus on the type of things you would like from a relationship - or from the dynamic.

[Deleted Member]

Think you need to start by actually learning what a dom is as you seem to be under the impression being a dom means your a weak person who preys on even weaker people & you do subs a disservice with the impression they are just weak & pathetic.

And your dislike of weakness, seems to be a more of a reflection on you, afraid of weakness, that it makes you a lesser person & you project that on people you perceive as weak & give yourself a superior position above them.

[PassionateAngel]

First of all I think if your feeling this way with your therapist; this means you are not connecting with them and you need to tell them and they have to allocate you another one; otherwise it does not benefit you nor them and he needs to be made aware of this for his reflection also.
Like relationships not everyone connects and the same goes for a doctor.

On the note of a Dom - you are what and who you are; again as eyemblackskeep says don’t try to label yourself; just explore who you are and enjoy the journey. I know it took me a long time to understand why I am a sub and a masochist - now I embrace it.

Looking at your comments with subs being weak - we are far from that. In fact I hold down a very challenging management job and have many peoples safety within my hands also. Does this make me a weak sub - not at all; i class myself as a sub as that’s my area of kink and what I seek in a D/s relationship as vanilla doesn’t cut what we crave deep within.

So I urge you to breathe; relax and enjoy what is, embrace what was and explore what will be

Angel x

[Braintease-3027]

Labels may help to define but if you don’t like the label don’t use it. Being a sub is not about being needy ( but that can happen) it’s about freedom from the burden of always having to be in control. As for the therapist, if he isn’t helping you work through your issues, he is not doing his job, that isn’t on you. Get a new therapist!

[Ae****]

I think, yes, you're a dom. Those others you mention are also doms. Some are more invested in deep emotional content when in the dynamic, others aren't that intense or at all interested in being intense. It's ok if they're not as into it as you are, there's nothing wrong with them. Doms and subs can be as involved as they want to be, it's totally up to each person. People can have other interests and passions in their lives, other things that they find more interesting than bdsm to take the time to get deeply into. Just focus on enjoying being a dom in the way you do it.

And if you don't like your therapist, get another one. You'll struggle in your progress if you don't feel comfortable with them.

[Deleted Member]

9 minutes ago, Braintease said:

Labels may help to define but if you don’t like the label don’t use it. Being a sub is not about being needy ( but that can happen) it’s about freedom from the burden of always having to be in control. As for the therapist, if he isn’t helping you work through your issues, he is not doing his job, that isn’t on you. Get a new therapist!

Its easy to just say the therapist isn't  doing there job & it's right to say you should change them if you're not happy but reading between the lines, looking at the phrasing & terminology used, the judgements& perception of weakness of others & wanting to elivate himself to something better than a weak person (dom) who preys on weak people (subs) & his description of his therapist, putting himself in a more powerful & superior position than his therapist, that he is stronger, better, superior, I would suggestion he would have a very similar view of most therapists due to strong overtones through his message of superiority complex & a *** of weakness. 

[PassionateAngel]

2 minutes ago, BDSMkinkydom said:

Its easy to just say the therapist isn't  doing there job & it's right to say you should change them if you're not happy but reading between the lines, looking at the phrasing & terminology used, the judgements& perception of weakness of others & wanting to elivate himself to something better than a weak person (dom) who preys on weak people (subs) & his description of his therapist, putting himself in a more powerful & superior position than his therapist, that he is stronger, better, superior, I would suggestion he would have a very similar view of most therapists due to strong overtones through his message of superiority complex & a *** of weakness. 

Reading that I can now see what you mean and most likely right. I feel would be wise to look deep within does he really want to change (reasons for needing to go to a therapist in the first place). If so need to be equal if the therapist or reduce those walls to allow someone in to help with the needs that is trying to be worked through.
Hope it all works out

[Ae****]

16 minutes ago, BDSMkinkydom said:

Its easy to just say the therapist isn't  doing there job & it's right to say you should change them if you're not happy but reading between the lines, looking at the phrasing & terminology used, the judgements& perception of weakness of others & wanting to elivate himself to something better than a weak person (dom) who preys on weak people (subs) & his description of his therapist, putting himself in a more powerful & superior position than his therapist, that he is stronger, better, superior, I would suggestion he would have a very similar view of most therapists due to strong overtones through his message of superiority complex & a *** of weakness. 

It's ok to have a negative view of most therapists. He doesn't need most therapists, no one does. He needs one that feels right for him. Doesn't mean he's got a bad therapist, just some people don't click.

He's in therapy, doing the work. People literally go to therapy to heal, from things like, for example, superiority / *** of weakness. It's ok to go and be uncomfortable with things to an extent. That's what a patient is there to do.

[PhantomFlogger]

I think you are all misreading my message, submission is by no means weakness and i dont *** weakness at all. My doctor inspires no confidence in himself and im reluctant to give control of my health so someone who sulks in our sessions.

Im unsure where this narrative has come from that im the issue or attacking anyone, my point was and still is i dont like sharing the title with people who dont respect boundaries, titles or their kink counterparts..

And im in therapy because ive worked as a mental health/ domestic *** professional for 18 years and i have to attend by law. No deep seeded issues

Just talking about the lives ive saved and the ones ive failed.

Please reread my post and see im poking at the idea that people on my side of the slash are ruining the name with bad attitudes, abusive tactics and lack of etiquette...

And i in no way implied subs are weak, i was just echoing the mentality of these bad actors

Edited January 11, 2022 by PhantomFlogger
Auto correct did me dirty

[Mo****]

Mate whether you like it or not, from what you have written, you are a dominant. BUT your brand of dominance does not want a doormat as a sub, you want and need an intelligent partner, your sub will be guided by you, BUT not directed by you, both you and your sub are equals but from opposite ends of the spectrum. You do not want someone, who does not want to be with you, they need to be the Ying to your Yang, they need to be strong enough to raise topics of discussion, to have opinions and have desires. A lot of people think that subs are weak and that they are to be told everything and that they have no rights. Which in my mind is totally wrong. THEY like us have their strengths, their desires, their needs, and their Limits. YOU just gotta hope that you find that special one that compliments you, and that you compliment them with your desires of life.

[Ae****]

9 minutes ago, PhantomFlogger said:

I think you are all misreading my message, submission is by no means weakness and i dont *** weakness at all. My doctor inspires no confidence in himself and im reluctant to give control of my health so someone who sulks in our sessions.

Im unsure where this narrative has come from that im the issue or attacking anyone, my point was and still is i dont like sharing the title with people who dont respect boundaries, titles or their kink counterparts..

And im in therapy because ive worked as a mental health/ domestic *** professional for 18 years and i have to attend by law. No deep seeded issues

Just talking about the lives ive saved and the ones ive failed.

Please reread my post and see im poking at the idea that people on my side of the slash are ruining the name with bad attitudes, abusive tactics and lack of etiquette...

And i in no way implied subs are weak, i was just echoing the mentality of these bad actors

Sorry that the messages went that way. Therapy is irrelevant here :)
As above then, still - don't even think about others who share the title "dom". Those who care don't matter, those who matter won't care. Focus on your d/s partners, no one else matters.

[PhantomFlogger]

2 minutes ago, Aeonova said:

Sorry that the messages went that way. Therapy is irrelevant here :)
As above then, still - don't even think about others who share the title "dom". Those who care don't matter, those who matter won't care. Focus on your d/s partners, no one else matters.

Your comment matters, and is welcome..

[Dustykat]

In my opinion is that you don’t have to be a Dom, but be a Dominant or hunter and be the type you want as long as your in a mutual relationship and enjoy it who cares what others think.   🧚🏻‍♀️                                     Ps I think you need a Brat 

[Pe****]

I see an intellectual here. One that knows how to critique members of society in a passive aggressive way yet play on sympathies to elicit gentle responses. Kudos to the OP. There is much to learn from him.

[we****]

I’m not going to add a lot more words. Just to say I recognise your experience, it sucks sometimes huh?! x

[lolli-leigh]

Thank you for sharing. All I have to say is that what you expect from a D/s relationship is right. Unfortunately your comments on what many Doms and subs behave like is very true. However just because the many behave this way doesn't make it right.

[ey****]

I think to rein*** what I said.

Pretty much every group, every role, every dynamic, etc. has it's bad actors or bad practices.

You can be in those things while also distancing yourself from the bad actors and bad practices.

[Deleted Member]

I suppose it's like me questioning whether I'm a sub.... It's such a range . The fact that I am not a slave type , a pet or a little shouldn't take away from the fact that I want to be dominated . The only dynamic that would currently work for me is Daddy / princess.... D/s dynamic for me is a union of equals , where each plays a unique role .... I am just as powerful as you are , my power is in maximising mine and yours pleasures through my submission , through what would work best for me and my Dom. It does take 2 , I absolutely agree. You are a Dom if domination is your thing ! You just gotta figure out which dynamic suits you best. To me it sounds like you are looking for a brat to tame . And the rest on how " they are " bs " how you are " , leave it to them , will you ? Stick to YOUR style , your values , your rules. x

[Deleted Member]

*vs

[E-dUbBs]

Hey Phantom
I just wanted to make a very quick and important point
Just Do You

Labels are for packages
And tick boxes are for surveys

Trying to fit a set of parameters is the cause of so much hurt and insecurity
Just fit the phantom floggers parameters and you’ll never go wrong

[PhantomFlogger]

Hahaha.. i need a brat?

Couldnt think of anything worse 😅

Im a Dominant who likes to top tops, true i like resistance, but more like a struggle for power, i want to earn my spot as top, i want to be challenged and *** losing it..

A brat itsnt that, a brat is just disobedient and im looking for dangerous..

 

[Dustykat]

5 minutes ago, PhantomFlogger said:

Hahaha.. i need a brat?

Couldnt think of anything worse 😅

Im a Dominant who likes to top tops, true i like resistance, but more like a struggle for power, i want to earn my spot as top, i want to be challenged and *** losing it..

A brat itsnt that, a brat is just disobedient and im looking for dangerous..

 

A brat is more than that she will give you a run for your spot if you are not careful she will dominate you if you find a the right one for you 

[PhantomFlogger]

Maybe.. but i cant see a submissive ever topping me, think Harley and joker, she could kiss me, she could stab me, i dont wanna know which..

I want every kiss to be through gritted teeth and with a taste of ***.

I dont want to be told no, i want to be told "fucking try it and ill be taking a chunk of you as a souvenir"

[Leisa]

2 hours ago, PhantomFlogger said:

Maybe.. but i cant see a submissive ever topping me, think Harley and joker, she could kiss me, she could stab me, i dont wanna know which..

I want every kiss to be through gritted teeth and with a taste of ***.

I dont want to be told no, i want to be told "fucking try it and ill be taking a chunk of you as a souvenir"

That’s why you need a brat. She’ll not only do the list you mentioned but more. And yes, a good brat can absolutely top the top even if you don’t realize it’s happened until it’s too late.