Am I a Dom?

[PhantomFlogger]

2 minutes ago, Leisa said:

That’s why you need a brat. She’ll not only do the list you mentioned but more. And yes, a good brat can absolutely top the top even if you don’t realize it’s happened until it’s too late.

Are you volunteering...? it sounds like you're volunteering 😂

 

[Leisa]

42 minutes ago, PhantomFlogger said:

Are you volunteering...? it sounds like you're volunteering 😂

 

Flogger you’re too far away so instead I’ll just *** you lol

[PhantomFlogger]

2 minutes ago, Leisa said:

Flogger you’re too far away so instead I’ll just *** you lol

Ohh do you mean it 😂😂

[Leisa]

21 minutes ago, PhantomFlogger said:

Ohh do you mean it 😂😂

☠️☠️☠️

[Koby]

It's unfortunate that we have to share a Title with "bad actors". However, it provides an opportunity to offer something different.

Your anger is Positive, you have higher standards than others. I think it's about channeling your emotions within a relationship. 

[Sir-Mark-NL]

@PhantomFlogger if you feel uncomfortable with your therapist and you feel he's insecure and unsure of himself. Ditch him, be straightforward and tell the guy, to pass you on to one of his colleagues. It's your right to do so, not his. I've been there too bud.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, PhantomFlogger said:

Hahaha.. i need a brat?

Couldnt think of anything worse 😅

Im a Dominant who likes to top tops, true i like resistance, but more like a struggle for power, i want to earn my spot as top, i want to be challenged and *** losing it..

A brat itsnt that, a brat is just disobedient and im looking for dangerous..

 

Brats can be disobedient for disobedient’s sake, but that’s not the only reason. There can’t be submission without dominance, so when a sub is being a brat they are often asking for more dominance. When a sub is bratting, it might be because they feel you need to up your game 😊

[Deleted Member]

I am discovering that the Dom/me side of the coin can appear different in every dynamic. I recently felt I needed to add switch to my profile because some of the most interesting connections I have made on here are with other Doms or switches who I have sometimes played in a power share type play.

Many of the subs on here are unfortunately looking for Doms to simply fulfill a fantasy they have in mind rather than entering into a real D/s dynamic and look upon us a quick kink dispensers. Perhaps you are attracted to stronger personalities which you could explore as a switch or perhaps you crave an intelligent sub who is keen to explore the feeling of freedom that maby subs gain from a true sub state with a D they trust and connect with.

I think sometimes there is a misconception that a kink relationship does not need the same foundation and work as a traditional relationship. I think the openness inherent in kink is amazing but there is still the basis needed for any successful relationship. A true connection takes time and work.

I emphatise with the sun "please use me" chats you get. It's like kissing all the frogs to find a prince/ss. But leave room in your label. I think the one size fits all is not true of any of us here. 1 plus 1 does not always equal 2 in kink 😉

[MissTakenDeep]

What I’ve learnt personally in my own experiences and on here, is that roles are just titles and I think everybody excepts something slightly different from them. I agree that too many D types demand a respect they haven’t earned and I get the impression you’d prefer somebody who makes you earn that respect & trust rather than just handing it without question? I would personally argue that makes you a better Dom. Submission should always be earned and there are so many different needs each type has, it’s impossible to believe that any random D type & S type could be a match without getting to know each other properly and discovering what those needs truly are.
However, some people still don’t feel comfortable with the titles and don’t really know how to label themselves, my self included, so I’d ask… does it actually matter if you’re title is Dom? Or is it more important that you know who you are, what your kinks are and what you’re looking for in a partner?

[PhantomFlogger]

I agree whole heartedly with everything you are saying..

But my original question wasnt 'im not sure if im a Dom or a sub' it was 'do i really want to share a title with boys who use the Dom honorism to get laid, piggyback on 100s of years of community, slap an arse because they saw it in 50 shades and now call themselves a master..

I use to be proud to call myself a Dominant, i even called myself a Daddy at one point.. my munches are respectful places, the events i go to are the most elegant and respectful places..

But over the last 5 years im hearing more and more horror stories, and many of the subs in my groups are 'hanging up their collars' and swearing off kink because of the switch in respect to disrespect.. now when i call myself a Dom, i carry the title of ***r, manipulative, narcissist, inexperienced, dangerous.. and i feel so so stupid saying "but im not like the other boys" 😅😅

Im a thousand miles from being a master, im still a student, i go to classes, i read about bdsm from text books and even have a fare amount of experience in relationships.. but im still just a Dom, the same as the guys who jump into your DMs and say "you have to do what i say because you are a sub and i am a dom"

[MissTakenDeep]

1 hour ago, PhantomFlogger said:

I agree whole heartedly with everything you are saying..

But my original question wasnt 'im not sure if im a Dom or a sub' it was 'do i really want to share a title with boys who use the Dom honorism to get laid, piggyback on 100s of years of community, slap an arse because they saw it in 50 shades and now call themselves a master..

I use to be proud to call myself a Dominant, i even called myself a Daddy at one point.. my munches are respectful places, the events i go to are the most elegant and respectful places..

But over the last 5 years im hearing more and more horror stories, and many of the subs in my groups are 'hanging up their collars' and swearing off kink because of the switch in respect to disrespect.. now when i call myself a Dom, i carry the title of ***r, manipulative, narcissist, inexperienced, dangerous.. and i feel so so stupid saying "but im not like the other boys" 😅😅

Im a thousand miles from being a master, im still a student, i go to classes, i read about bdsm from text books and even have a fare amount of experience in relationships.. but im still just a Dom, the same as the guys who jump into your DMs and say "you have to do what i say because you are a sub and i am a dom"

I hear what you’re saying and I sympathise. I agree that are far too many ‘men’ who use the title Dom, without understanding or even caring what that role fully entails, and I can understand why you don’t be put into the same category as them. I also think there’s an influx of subs doing similar things though, no limits for example. The whole “you can do whatever you want to me” in the initial conversations really concerns me and maybe somewhat encourages the new D types to go in heavy handed and expect the same from all the subs they meet?

[PhantomFlogger]

4 minutes ago, MissTakenDeep said:

I hear what you’re saying and I sympathise. I agree that are far too many ‘men’ who use the title Dom, without understanding or even caring what that role fully entails, and I can understand why you don’t be put into the same category as them. I also think there’s an influx of subs doing similar things though, no limits for example. The whole “you can do whatever you want to me” in the initial conversations really concerns me and maybe somewhat encourages the new D types to go in heavy handed and expect the same from all the subs they meet?

Yeah sub frenzy will always be a thing, and i know just by looking at my DMs and all the deleted profiles that the shelf life of a sub is short when the experience is bad.

Ive written post after post on that subject, its a shame really

[PhantomFlogger]

It seems like people think that admitting you are inexperienced is not very Dom like, where as i believe seeking help to better yourself is the most dominant thing you can do.

I may not have 1000s of shibari hours under my belt, but i also never lied about my inexperience to trick subs into letting me tie them up in dangerous slip knots just so i can fuck them

[Je****]

I agree with the comments to possibly get a new therapist. If you are feeling left lacking after sessions, well that isn't great is it?! And to be feeling like you've upset him?! I'm not sure how or what even happens or is said to feel like he's been upset.. I don't know... 

Anyway...

 

Also agree with the Labels not being needed. Too many are quick to assert them onto themselves or others. Plus you have seen my post and what is said to me by someone who calls themself a "Dom". So yes, I heavily agree that a lot are not that at all. 

I still stand by a previous post I did about "wannabes" after a munch session it prompted my thinking...

 

A lot of people join BDSM sites like this THINKING that BDSM entails either a title of submissive or dominant. And that if they don't have one of these, they don't belong.

Heck when I joined here I was fresh enough to know a few basics but without a deeper understanding. I looked through profiles and almost all had "Dom or Sub" titles. So I panicked and thought "Ah shit I need one of those or I won't be allowed on here". So I chose Submissive thinking that due to inexperience, I'd find someone who can guide me or "train me" as you have said. Now, I met some nice people who I befriended and one or two bad eggs who were just into the sex side of things (online) before they ghosted after a week or two. I ended up feeling like a failure and kinda disappointed thinking "Is everyone on here like this?!" But... I stayed, I did my own research and I ended up growing and progressing and well... here I am now.

My main point is being new, I felt weak, I felt I needed someone to guide me instead of doing it myself. And I also assumed a title over myself that was wrong. Because my interpretation of BDSM was different. I was preyed on by those with a Dom title, who I trusted due to said title but NOW I see that was just a rouse to as you say, 'demand obedience' and ultimately land a woman. 

Now, I know what to look out for. What to identify from profiles, usernames, their messages, tone, and content and ofcourse behaviour. But I think everyone needs to put their own work in. To be a submissive or a dominant. There's no point in trusting anyone else to do it for you because there is no excitement in someone moulding you to their design. Altering your personality and thought process to suit them and just being their "perfect" type.. there's no challenge, there's no spontenuity, every day will bleed into the same. It's not fun. And I don't know what submissive wants to be completely moulded into someone else's idea of the perfect partner. The beauty of people is everyone being different and unique and bringing stuff to the table. You can't so that if you're a clone so to speak. 

Now, for me, I am not on here as a Domme or a Submissive. I am here as me, someone who switches and goes with the flow. I am here as a kinky person with her own fetishes, to explore and make friends. I am not asserting some role and shaping people to my ideal or me to theirs. If I have a dynamic and assume a role, it will be within my own relationship and between my partner and I. It does not and will not seep into every day life where other people need to "respect" me for being a Domme. I am not theirs, same they are not mine so I cannot assume some authority over them or owe them anything. 

No one is weak on here, every one is strong in their own right in different departments. It takes a good person suited to YOU and vice versa to bring out the best and positive things and even the hard stuff you can sail through because you can both communicate. 

I think from reading this, you need or could do with an "alpha sub type" or a "brat" type. Both can be challenging in their own right but different. Perhaps this is for you, perhaps not. Maybe you just need the right person no matter their status, to walk in and sit down in front of you. That can happen and when it does its great. 

 

I am sorry I went away off and I hope some of this has some sort of relevance to what you said?! Hahaha, if not well then just smile and wave boys... smile and wave 

[PhantomFlogger]

21 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

I agree with the comments to possibly get a new therapist. If you are feeling left lacking after sessions, well that isn't great is it?! And to be feeling like you've upset him?! I'm not sure how or what even happens or is said to feel like he's been upset.. I don't know... 

Anyway...

 

Also agree with the Labels not being needed. Too many are quick to assert them onto themselves or others. Plus you have seen my post and what is said to me by someone who calls themself a "Dom". So yes, I heavily agree that a lot are not that at all. 

I still stand by a previous post I did about "wannabes" after a munch session it prompted my thinking...

 

A lot of people join BDSM sites like this THINKING that BDSM entails either a title of submissive or dominant. And that if they don't have one of these, they don't belong.

Heck when I joined here I was fresh enough to know a few basics but without a deeper understanding. I looked through profiles and almost all had "Dom or Sub" titles. So I panicked and thought "Ah shit I need one of those or I won't be allowed on here". So I chose Submissive thinking that due to inexperience, I'd find someone who can guide me or "train me" as you have said. Now, I met some nice people who I befriended and one or two bad eggs who were just into the sex side of things (online) before they ghosted after a week or two. I ended up feeling like a failure and kinda disappointed thinking "Is everyone on here like this?!" But... I stayed, I did my own research and I ended up growing and progressing and well... here I am now.

My main point is being new, I felt weak, I felt I needed someone to guide me instead of doing it myself. And I also assumed a title over myself that was wrong. Because my interpretation of BDSM was different. I was preyed on by those with a Dom title, who I trusted due to said title but NOW I see that was just a rouse to as you say, 'demand obedience' and ultimately land a woman. 

Now, I know what to look out for. What to identify from profiles, usernames, their messages, tone, and content and ofcourse behaviour. But I think everyone needs to put their own work in. To be a submissive or a dominant. There's no point in trusting anyone else to do it for you because there is no excitement in someone moulding you to their design. Altering your personality and thought process to suit them and just being their "perfect" type.. there's no challenge, there's no spontenuity, every day will bleed into the same. It's not fun. And I don't know what submissive wants to be completely moulded into someone else's idea of the perfect partner. The beauty of people is everyone being different and unique and bringing stuff to the table. You can't so that if you're a clone so to speak. 

Now, for me, I am not on here as a Domme or a Submissive. I am here as me, someone who switches and goes with the flow. I am here as a kinky person with her own fetishes, to explore and make friends. I am not asserting some role and shaping people to my ideal or me to theirs. If I have a dynamic and assume a role, it will be within my own relationship and between my partner and I. It does not and will not seep into every day life where other people need to "respect" me for being a Domme. I am not theirs, same they are not mine so I cannot assume some authority over them or owe them anything. 

No one is weak on here, every one is strong in their own right in different departments. It takes a good person suited to YOU and vice versa to bring out the best and positive things and even the hard stuff you can sail through because you can both communicate. 

I think from reading this, you need or could do with an "alpha sub type" or a "brat" type. Both can be challenging in their own right but different. Perhaps this is for you, perhaps not. Maybe you just need the right person no matter their status, to walk in and sit down in front of you. That can happen and when it does its great. 

 

I am sorry I went away off and I hope some of this has some sort of relevance to what you said?! Hahaha, if not well then just smile and wave boys... smile and wave 

No Jen, this is exactly what i want on this thread.. from you especially with the posts you have been sharing

[Je****]

5 minutes ago, PhantomFlogger said:

No Jen, this is exactly what i want on this thread.. from you especially with the posts you have been sharing

Thank you. I am being honest with how I viewed things and the impressions I had. Foolish and naive of me, but with my own will to learn and making friends who have valueable discussions, I have definately come a long way! Everyone nees to do this for themselves, others and ultimate safety of sex, play, socialising, online stuff and just in general. 

[PhantomFlogger]

1 minute ago, Finally_Jen said:

Thank you. I am being honest with how I viewed things and the impressions I had. Foolish and naive of me, but with my own will to learn and making friends who have valueable discussions, I have definately come a long way! Everyone nees to do this for themselves, others and ultimate safety of sex, play, socialising, online stuff and just in general. 

Preeeeeach!!

[PhantomFlogger]

🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

[ge****]

Thursday at 12:14 AM, InThePink said:

I am discovering that the Dom/me side of the coin can appear different in every dynamic. I recently felt I needed to add switch to my profile because some of the most interesting connections I have made on here are with other Doms or switches who I have sometimes played in a power share type play.

Many of the subs on here are unfortunately looking for Doms to simply fulfill a fantasy they have in mind rather than entering into a real D/s dynamic and look upon us a quick kink dispensers. Perhaps you are attracted to stronger personalities which you could explore as a switch or perhaps you crave an intelligent sub who is keen to explore the feeling of freedom that maby subs gain from a true sub state with a D they trust and connect with.

I think sometimes there is a misconception that a kink relationship does not need the same foundation and work as a traditional relationship. I think the openness inherent in kink is amazing but there is still the basis needed for any successful relationship. A true connection takes time and work.

I emphatise with the sun "please use me" chats you get. It's like kissing all the frogs to find a prince/ss. But leave room in your label. I think the one size fits all is not true of any of us here. 1 plus 1 does not always equal 2 in kink 😉

Spot on - coming at this from the sub side of the coin it pretty much sums up how I feel about things. While I'm innately submissive and if roles were to be taken would always be so - I couldn't and wouldn't give myself to just anyone who is dominant, there has to be all the usual elements of attraction and connection in place, and over and above that a sense of "feeling" submissive to someone.
.
Flip side of that which touches on your first points is while I wouldn't ever be dominant, or even call myself a switch, I can in am equal footing type relationship indulge in elements of play that would normally be considered things that a dominant would do - for example spanking. I don't feel in the slightest bit dominant when giving one, but will happily dish one out if asked nicely 😊

[Deleted Member]

46 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

.... I couldn't and wouldn't give myself to just anyone who is dominant, there has to be all the usual elements of attraction and connection in place, and over and above that a sense of "feeling" submissive to someone.

I agree with the "Feeling" part from a dominant side too. It's like an inner flex I can't describe but some people make it happen and some don't.

47 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

I can in am equal footing type relationship indulge in elements of play that would normally be considered things that a dominant would do - for example spanking. I don't feel in the slightest bit dominant when giving one, but will happily dish one out if asked nicely 😊

Exactly! This is how I feel about doing submissive acts. In the right dynamic and with the right person there is a fluidity that is not always present. It's fun to colour outside the label lines. 

[ge****]

11 minutes ago, InThePink said:

Exactly! This is how I feel about doing submissive acts. In the right dynamic and with the right person there is a fluidity that is not always present. It's fun to colour outside the label lines. 

Fluidity and going with the flow is exactly what I meant - and with the right person that can be as fulfilling as something more structured and "labelled"

[SammyB]

On 1/10/2022 at 12:22 PM, PhantomFlogger said:

Ive just come out of my therapy session, annoyed again that who i am and what i expect from others is my issue.

Getting angry that my therapist has no authority, always seems to stutter and portrays himself as always unsure..

Getting angry that im putting my trust into this Doctor who cant even control the conversation.

How can i trust someone with my wellbeing when as the most powerful man in the room he is so weak and disappointing.

Why do i leave every week feeling like im hurting his feeling.

Anyway i digress, am i a Dom? Please tell me im not, i look around and i see men praying on the weak, disrespectful and demanding because they hold the title of Dom.. no, im not that.

People approach me a lot demanding i dominate them or "make them the best sub" I dont like this, i ask myself, then them "why would i want to?" Is that what a Dom does? Because i dont really fancy training someone to be something they are not naturally.

Does that mean i dont like subs? In fact i dont like weakness, if i was to own something it would because its the best, or very close to it.

There are many things that hold value to me sentimentality, they have stories or need taking care of, but why so i struggle so much with finding someone who understands that D/s is more than doing as your told or bossing the other around..

Slapping an arse or choking someone makes me no more a Dom than being pitiful and needy makes you a sub.

If what i want is a second in command, do i even like subs?

I want to be challenged, i want to be the best i can be and to always improve, not just put on my Dom hat and expect subs to do my bidding just because.

So no, its clear that im not a Dom,

Im a man, one that wants to protect and create a space for my partner to be a woman..

I want to fill the gaps in them, and them fill the gaps in me, i want autonomy, not to be given chores or extra responsibilities beyond helping them be the best they can.

Why do i feel like 'Dom' is short hand for "i dont have the skills to court a woman so ill just demand obedience" and 'sub' is short for "im scared ill do the wrong thing so just tell me what to do in bed" 

So... am i a Dom? Because i dont feel like im one of them!!

Ive been PhantomFlogger, and thank you for listening to my TedTalk.

My thoughts are very simple 

Dominant men come in all shapes and sizes , many dominant men do not wish the label of “Dom’” it not unusual because media and social media ***t them in a certain light 

“Dom’s” equally there are many types from Sadist to daddy’s to pleasure Dom’s the list goes on - You may have traits from all 

Don’t judge yourself by others standards

you appear to know yourself 

You appear to know what you want

Your appear know your limits and boundaries  

you understand the core values of the lifestyle 

Maybe it more about finding a woman  who understands your needs wants desires and who you share commonalities with 

Like Dominants and Doms there are subs and women who are submissive-  we are all very different and will connect with D types differently 

It’s like finding a needle in a haystack as many people don’t see each interaction they have as being something that’s personal between them and that individual to each pair 

Many have read so much they believe being sub is just about being spanked or ***d trained or tasked but in reality the  are girls who may enjoy sex or may enjoy kinky interactions 

On a positive it good to reflect and question who and what you are 

 

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

Not necessarily dominant v submissive that is the opening issue here. It's actually a reflection on how you connect with other people. I get a sense of something I have experienced often in my own interactions with people in various scenarios. In your scenario of client/patient/therapist in a legally required debrief/check in session with another therapist, it is irrelevant as much as in the scenario itself. What is relevant is the energy or vibe that you seem to pick up from the other therapist. 

A lack of confidence could stem from the session being treated as a box ticking exercise and if in your mind you then relate this lack of confidence to them being unprofessional.....or vice versa. Or is it you who treats the session as a box ticking exercise? Either way you could each be picking up on negative energy from the other and not taking time out to discuss and diffuse. 

As you know , typically we would have a rapport building period during a therapy session before getting down to business. I can imagine this useful element being omitted in such scenarios. Do you really want to be there? What has your co-therapist said to check in on that aspect and re-aligned  your commitment to the session(s)?

Anyway....

"Am I a Dom?" you ask. You also ask why it is so difficult to find someone who understands or relates to D/s relationships in the same way that you do. That would suggest that you are limited to being either Dominant or submissive but have you considered that there are other modalities in this multi-faceted world of kink? Phantom Flogger suggests you like flogging (obviously. You also mention spanking & choking. Edge play hedonist? Sadist? A mix of all of the above? Who can know but yourself. 

Quote

I'm a Dominant who likes to top tops, true i like resistance, but more like a struggle for power, i want to earn my spot as top, i want to be challenged and *** losing it..

OK, the perks of replying to an original post without following the rest of the thread...
You have answered that question "am I a Dom",  at least partly. Maybe what you need is another dominant. D/D not an option? :-) 

As for your observations about the title of Dom getting a bad name. That's the joys of a world where initial introductions are online. It is as we all  know, too easy to create a false persona online. Rarely does that play out well in actual real life meetups. Keep in mind there are also non-authentic subs out there. Role-playing the parts of D or s is very different from faking it.

Back to the scapegoats of fake Doms for the sake of this topic. What is to stop esca***s from "POF" coming here after watching 50 Shades? Is there a solution? Should new members be screened by a compulsory  10 min lesson with questionnaire? At least there are good educational resources on here for people who take the time to seek them out. 

ps...

Next time you are going for a work related therapy session check in on yourself and ensure you are going for the right reasons. 

Subs weak? Hmmmm...really ;-)

Edited February 8, 2022 by Deleted Member
hadnt read the most recent part of thread.......shucks!