What Not To Do When Speaking To ANYONE! SEVERE TRIGGER WARNING.

[Dancingbear225]

This fellow sounds like a psycho sexual predator to me. Definitely not a dominant, but without a doubt someone that may want to make his fantasy a reality. Not only creepy, but possibly very dangerous.

[Ca****]

What a fucking weirdo is all I can really muster to say... I understand some people are into some pretty extreme shit when roleplaying or talking about fantasies, or even into acting out, and that's all fine if and when both people are ready for that... But to just open a conversation like this is disturbed, disrespectful, selfish, and pathetic.

Too many people online just want to dive right into whatever fantasies or interests they have.. So many people don't care to spend even just 5 minutes trying to get to know a person or at least what interests they have first, much less finding any sort of connection or compatibility, and it makes it that much more tiresome or hopeless feeling for the people with some semblance of social skills. 😵

Way to go for reporting the creep. I'm genuinely sorry you have to deal with a certain amount of that shit while just trying to be open to making new connections with people on here... Hopefully you aren't going to let a few disrespectful people ruin the whole experience for you because there's a lot of cool ass considerate people on here too!

[Ca****]

Sorry I'm so prone to rambling almost every time I comment on a post 😅

[Deleted Member]

When I first read this.. I wanted to say.. something.. and I was so taken back by the message…
It’s taken me a moment to rethink.. and think and then rethink..
and it seems like a personal attack on many levels. ….
First of all it’s to my friend Jen, who is sassy, intelligent and not afraid of anything.. to think that some one perved jen and thought of doing those things to someone I very much admire.. that hurts like a stone brick dropped out of the sky and and landing onto the most tender parts of my heart..
secondly, this brutal, unthinkable, savage, and illegal narrative was not consented to, thus making the very case that falling for someone without understanding their kinks is so extremely dangerous.
Thirdly, as someone that identifies as dominant, someone that has taken that very role as a role of responsibility, a duty, and an obligation, this is the opposite of what BDSM stands for to me. It is not dominant..
.
Those words and actions are beyond any rational thought of conceived edge play. Those words are those of a sick and twisted individual, and throwing those words at someone are the true definitions of a terrorist, a coward, someone that does not belong in this community.
.
I do not represent these types of humans. Nor do I represent all males.. and from my very heart I wish that this never happened to my friend… but this behavior, this behavior from many of the thirsty men and sometimes women on this app.. needs to stop.
.
I hope that this person does not turn these words into actions. And I hope that by Jen coming out in the forum and discussing this openly, it helps all to realize that there are real people who are so sadistic that they are dangerous. Who do not care about anything but themselves.
.
I am still so extremely stunned… I don’t know what to say.. or even do. .. I’m just mad and angry. And I feel like that won’t do shit in this instance.

[Dreamaway]

How sad, how very, very sad.

[Deleted Member]

First and foremost, Jen, I am so very sorry that this individual has contacted you and uttered this disgusting diretribe directly at you. As Feral has said, I know you to be a lovely and endearing person and as such it saddens me to the core as it would for anyone receiving this. Frankly this has nothing whatsoever to do with BDSM. I hope the profile has been investigated as this must surely be considered illegal. It's things like this that make me want to delete my own profile and move on in life. Jen I hope this abhorrent message does not have any long lasting effects on you and that it is/has not been sent to anyone else. 😪

[Bathblonde]

I can still view the profile from the message. He has a very skewed view on consent and clearly upped his game from what he sent me. Mine was nasty yours was abhorrent. Here’s hoping he is dealt with and that will be the last of it. 

[MissTakenDeep]

Wow! I have no words! I can not believe someone sent that as a first message and I’m so sorry you had to read it! Can I ask how this has been handled by admin? Ie.. has his profile been removed? If not could you please send me his username so I can block him!

[ge****]

Prefacing what I am about to say to make it absolutely clear I do not in any way shape or form condone what was sent - it's vile, disgusting and abusive and you've done absolutely the right things by not only calling it out to be dealt with by the site and highlighting it here so others cam be warned not only of this specific case but any others.

I'd also add that I attach no blame whatsoever to the OP or anyone else on the receiving end of such sick vileness.

Sadly though this is not untypical of the behaviour of *some* users (and I am ashamed to say in the overwhelming majority of cases it is men) on sites like this one or one's dealing with sex and sexuality.

In some cases it's individuals with very sick fantasies, or deluded ideas of what is acceptable, in some it's people out to shock and get a reaction, in some (as I suspect is the case here given the age of the sender) it's immaturity coming to the fore and doing it for a laugh or other sick pleasures, in others it will be driven by having got a false impression from porn, and sometimes it will be a combination of all/some of the above. Scarier still in some it will actually be the way they think.

Whatever the reason it's not acceptable, the problem is what can be done about it beyond what the OP has done in blocking and reporting - which to an extent is shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted given the damage has been done and the triggers have been triggered?

In this day and age of easy access, secure VPNs etc, not to mention the ease of hiding behind a keyboard and typing whatever you like, the options are limited unless there are extreme circumstances - blocking and reporting obviously stops this particular person on this occasion, but that's about the limit of what can be done. Even if they're removed from the site they can easily come back with a different profile and using a different IP address.

Being honest too, blocking and reporting places the onus on the victim (because let's face it that's exactly what any recipient of this kind of *** is) to take action, which is totally wrong.

So how do we protect ourselves from those who seek to *** online (and potentially offline too) in this way? I really don't know is the answer and I find that incredibly sad and more than a little scary.

[MissTakenDeep]

11 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Prefacing what I am about to say to make it absolutely clear I do not in any way shape or form condone what was sent - it's vile, disgusting and abusive and you've done absolutely the right things by not only calling it out to be dealt with by the site and highlighting it here so others cam be warned not only of this specific case but any others.

I'd also add that I attach no blame whatsoever to the OP or anyone else on the receiving end of such sick vileness.

Sadly though this is not untypical of the behaviour of *some* users (and I am ashamed to say in the overwhelming majority of cases it is men) on sites like this one or one's dealing with sex and sexuality.

In some cases it's individuals with very sick fantasies, or deluded ideas of what is acceptable, in some it's people out to shock and get a reaction, in some (as I suspect is the case here given the age of the sender) it's immaturity coming to the fore and doing it for a laugh or other sick pleasures, in others it will be driven by having got a false impression from porn, and sometimes it will be a combination of all/some of the above. Scarier still in some it will actually be the way they think.

Whatever the reason it's not acceptable, the problem is what can be done about it beyond what the OP has done in blocking and reporting - which to an extent is shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted given the damage has been done and the triggers have been triggered?

In this day and age of easy access, secure VPNs etc, not to mention the ease of hiding behind a keyboard and typing whatever you like, the options are limited unless there are extreme circumstances - blocking and reporting obviously stops this particular person on this occasion, but that's about the limit of what can be done. Even if they're removed from the site they can easily come back with a different profile and using a different IP address.

Being honest too, blocking and reporting places the onus on the victim (because let's face it that's exactly what any recipient of this kind of *** is) to take action, which is totally wrong.

So how do we protect ourselves from those who seek to *** online (and potentially offline too) in this way? I really don't know is the answer and I find that incredibly sad and more than a little scary.

I completely agree and the issues you’ve raised are extremely concerning. The fact that people like this exist in society, the sick twisted ones that do want to act this kind of scene without consent, is worrying. More so that we can rarely spot them unless they reveal themselves, like this man has. It reminds me of how careful we need to be, any S type is *** to this kind of predator and I’m grateful to the OP for sharing it. As far as staying safe is concerned, we need communications open and make sure all S types know they have choices. Social meets until they feel comfortable meeting privately. The right to say no and with drawer consent at any time. The right to inform people of who they’re meeting, where & when etc. I understand some people keep this lifestyle private, but I think references should always be available if someone is expecting you to put your safety in their hands.

[PhantomFlogger]

Safe, sane and consentual..

Part of me is so angry that i know this will ripple through the community and surely impact the enjoyment and trust in this supposed safe space.

Another part recognises that this is not an isolated case and this happens all too often when once is too many times. 

But the biggest part of me, the one that holds love for this community just wants to educate this person and anyone who thinks this is okay.. im fed up with preaching this subject of rotten fruit spoiling the barrel. Jen Im sorry this has happened to you, im sorry that this thread will definitely rein*** your feelings on this subject, im sorry someone from my side of the slash has let us all down, but let this be a lesson learnt for you all, educate yourself, dont be scared to speak up and for all that is kinky..... be safe, sane and consentual!!

[Je****]

6 hours ago, Ell93 said:

Wow. This is unbelievable shocking. Especially as a first message. As someone new to the BDSM/kink world I would be ***ful and put off this app completely. For someone to send that sort of message without consent or knowledge of each others kinks is major red flags and dare I say concerning

Ive been on this site 18 months. He absolutely in NO way reflects the success and authenticity of this site. Another reason to post... to let members old and new.. see that it DOES happen but it is rare. And don't be put off my just one person. Report report report.

This sites great honestly and they acted within an hour of him being reported 

[Je****]

5 hours ago, Dancingbear225 said:

This fellow sounds like a psycho sexual predator to me. Definitely not a dominant, but without a doubt someone that may want to make his fantasy a reality. Not only creepy, but possibly very dangerous.

This is exactly my mindset. What if this is HIS fantasy.. and he has either tried it or planned to. Nothing about it is consenting and its so graphic and unusual.. it scares me to think...

[Je****]

6 hours ago, Aranhis said:

Oooof, so you already know the answers but no you shouldn't have received that (nor should Bath), and no I wouldn't have sent it.

You've handled this supremely well and with amazing dignity, and I'd like to thank you for helping keep the community safe.

I hope you're okay, as much as can be expected. 

I had to take some time offline. As i did not expect to be greeted with it. It completely flipped my conversation. But after speaking with myself i said 'no...i need to say soemthing.. i can't stay silent on this one'.

 

I haven't named him for multiples reasons... if anything needs legally done.. me or anyone trashing him or giving him the attention.. so i won't be naming him. 

Safety is paramount at least if anyone gets anything close to this message they can speak up... which is how bath got in touch.. recognising the similarities and maybe its a small bless it was the same guy and not different ones!

[Je****]

5 hours ago, CallMeCJ13 said:

What a fucking weirdo is all I can really muster to say... I understand some people are into some pretty extreme shit when roleplaying or talking about fantasies, or even into acting out, and that's all fine if and when both people are ready for that... But to just open a conversation like this is disturbed, disrespectful, selfish, and pathetic.

Too many people online just want to dive right into whatever fantasies or interests they have.. So many people don't care to spend even just 5 minutes trying to get to know a person or at least what interests they have first, much less finding any sort of connection or compatibility, and it makes it that much more tiresome or hopeless feeling for the people with some semblance of social skills. 😵

Way to go for reporting the creep. I'm genuinely sorry you have to deal with a certain amount of that shit while just trying to be open to making new connections with people on here... Hopefully you aren't going to let a few disrespectful people ruin the whole experience for you because there's a lot of cool ass considerate people on here too!

Role play or fantasy.. fine. With people who are aware of it.. consent to it and have had it discussed. 

Clearly none was the case here. Fantasy or not he crossed a line. 

It was unsolicited, graphic, and despite him viewing me twice to read i dont like cnc, he still dm'd this without even a hello. 

So do i think i am the only one? No. And i mean since he was in baths inbox. I think hes maybe spammed multiple women... 

Part of feels cruel to say that i think or hope he has because if he hasnt it would feel targetted.

And thats what is touching what @Feral_MountianKing said. 

I do not think this is personal.. as he already did similar to bath... however he has definately upped his game or is tailoring it to who he finds on here.  

 

 

[Je****]

5 hours ago, Feral_MountianKing said:

When I first read this.. I wanted to say.. something.. and I was so taken back by the message…
It’s taken me a moment to rethink.. and think and then rethink..
and it seems like a personal attack on many levels. ….
First of all it’s to my friend Jen, who is sassy, intelligent and not afraid of anything.. to think that some one perved jen and thought of doing those things to someone I very much admire.. that hurts like a stone brick dropped out of the sky and and landing onto the most tender parts of my heart..
secondly, this brutal, unthinkable, savage, and illegal narrative was not consented to, thus making the very case that falling for someone without understanding their kinks is so extremely dangerous.
Thirdly, as someone that identifies as dominant, someone that has taken that very role as a role of responsibility, a duty, and an obligation, this is the opposite of what BDSM stands for to me. It is not dominant..
.
Those words and actions are beyond any rational thought of conceived edge play. Those words are those of a sick and twisted individual, and throwing those words at someone are the true definitions of a terrorist, a coward, someone that does not belong in this community.
.
I do not represent these types of humans. Nor do I represent all males.. and from my very heart I wish that this never happened to my friend… but this behavior, this behavior from many of the thirsty men and sometimes women on this app.. needs to stop.
.
I hope that this person does not turn these words into actions. And I hope that by Jen coming out in the forum and discussing this openly, it helps all to realize that there are real people who are so sadistic that they are dangerous. Who do not care about anything but themselves.
.
I am still so extremely stunned… I don’t know what to say.. or even do. .. I’m just mad and angry. And I feel like that won’t do shit in this instance.

Bless your heart. 

 

I KNOW this man does not represent every man in this world. 

I KNOW he does not represent every member/male in this community.

I KNOW he does not represent every (or any) dominant man or person in this community. 

 

I have had 95% positive experiences on this site. This man is the worst of the worst for what I have recieved. I have done my fair share of moaning about some creepy messages but nothing even touches upon how this one made me feel.

As mentioned above, due to him contacting bath previously, I think he is either very twisted indeed, trying to get a kick from women or trying to trigger those who dont like CNC and such activities. (I personally do like cnc in SOME forms, just not this particular one). 

 

And as much as the content disturbs me, as I also said... it's more the fact this person thinks it's acceptable.. that it might catch someone's attention (in a good way?!) or that he thinks writing something so brutal and concerning that he's some kind of experienced hardcore dominant. 

 

But yes i brought it to here against my nature to be honest, usually I would sit and dwell on this for days but I have decided ot just inform people what we get. How it actually reads when people send these fantasies. And the reactions to maybe show people who do this that it is NOT okay.

I've met some great people on here, many I call my friends and people I have had some great chats with, but some times we need to air the bad stuff to let people know how to identify something amiss. Just incase someone on here is so new they think this is a typical thing, it's not! 

[Cu****]

WOW! WTAF! *S***CHLESS* AND APPALLED! I’m so sorry that you received something so awful 😞 x

[Je****]

3 hours ago, Caged_*** said:

First and foremost, Jen, I am so very sorry that this individual has contacted you and uttered this disgusting diretribe directly at you. As Feral has said, I know you to be a lovely and endearing person and as such it saddens me to the core as it would for anyone receiving this. Frankly this has nothing whatsoever to do with BDSM. I hope the profile has been investigated as this must surely be considered illegal. It's things like this that make me want to delete my own profile and move on in life. Jen I hope this abhorrent message does not have any long lasting effects on you and that it is/has not been sent to anyone else. 😪

I am glad in a way that it HAS come to me, simply because I am now strong enough to deal with it. Yes I was shaken by it with the shock of what it entails, but my skin has grown so thick whilst being on here. I can try and pluck the negative and turn it into something good, and thats educating other people of what and who is on here, or any online site to be honest. 

I won't let this guy destroy me for some sick joke, some fantasy he ***d upon my inbox or him just thinking he's cool. I am now embarrassed by him. But I still think this person may be dangerous. So that is what I am sort of focussed on. I will chat more with modmins later and see if anything can be done as I have just read @Bathblonde comment saying she can still view him. If so I will definately be pressing further, because it's obvious from this thread pretty much everyone agrees this is not something/one who should be terrifying women or anyone on this site with. I am wise enough to not let HIM bring the site down for me, I know it's a great one, he however, is not.

[Je****]

1 hour ago, MissTakenDeep said:

Wow! I have no words! I can not believe someone sent that as a first message and I’m so sorry you had to read it! Can I ask how this has been handled by admin? Ie.. has his profile been removed? If not could you please send me his username so I can block him!

I cannot and will not name and shame him. I am sad to say that IF you do come across him you will know by the few opening words... now you know what to look out for you can flag it right away. That and the information his username contains the word "Dom" and he is 21yrs old from UK. That is all I can say I am afraid. But yes, first message took me off guard which is why I have put this... This isn't a product from any sort of mutual chat that progressed. 

[Je****]

1 hour ago, MissTakenDeep said:

I completely agree and the issues you’ve raised are extremely concerning. The fact that people like this exist in society, the sick twisted ones that do want to act this kind of scene without consent, is worrying. More so that we can rarely spot them unless they reveal themselves, like this man has. It reminds me of how careful we need to be, any S type is *** to this kind of predator and I’m grateful to the OP for sharing it. As far as staying safe is concerned, we need communications open and make sure all S types know they have choices. Social meets until they feel comfortable meeting privately. The right to say no and with drawer consent at any time. The right to inform people of who they’re meeting, where & when etc. I understand some people keep this lifestyle private, but I think references should always be available if someone is expecting you to put your safety in their hands.

I agree with all you have said here. 

[Je****]

1 hour ago, PhantomFlogger said:

Safe, sane and consentual..

Part of me is so angry that i know this will ripple through the community and surely impact the enjoyment and trust in this supposed safe space.

Another part recognises that this is not an isolated case and this happens all too often when once is too many times. 

But the biggest part of me, the one that holds love for this community just wants to educate this person and anyone who thinks this is okay.. im fed up with preaching this subject of rotten fruit spoiling the barrel. Jen Im sorry this has happened to you, im sorry that this thread will definitely rein*** your feelings on this subject, im sorry someone from my side of the slash has let us all down, but let this be a lesson learnt for you all, educate yourself, dont be scared to speak up and for all that is kinky..... be safe, sane and consentual!!

Much like yourself, I love this community and the people on it. Even the ones I don't get along with I'd not wish harm or messages like this upon them. At the end of the day we are one big kinky family and we need each other's backs. Not expecting to be messaged with ***. If I can help someone recognise a dangerous flag then I am happy.. If I can make any man or woman think twice before sending a pm detailed with fantasies such as this , then I am happy. 

But I want to make it Clear that dominants haven't let me down. Men haven't let me down, JUST this individual and I would not compare anyone on here to what he is tbh. 

[Deleted Member]

That’s sick. Totally unacceptable behaviour.

[MissTakenDeep]

11 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

I cannot and will not name and shame him. I am sad to say that IF you do come across him you will know by the few opening words... now you know what to look out for you can flag it right away. That and the information his username contains the word "Dom" and he is 21yrs old from UK. That is all I can say I am afraid. But yes, first message took me off guard which is why I have put this... This isn't a product from any sort of mutual chat that progressed. 

He’s too young to message me! My profile is new, thankfully I’m not, I’ve been on here before and keep my settings pretty tight. Still genuinely sorry you had to deal with this though and I’m thankful you shared it. While it doesn’t represent the majority on here, it is extremely off putting to most people and I’m glad you’ve spoken out!

[Je****]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

Prefacing what I am about to say to make it absolutely clear I do not in any way shape or form condone what was sent - it's vile, disgusting and abusive and you've done absolutely the right things by not only calling it out to be dealt with by the site and highlighting it here so others cam be warned not only of this specific case but any others.

I'd also add that I attach no blame whatsoever to the OP or anyone else on the receiving end of such sick vileness.

Sadly though this is not untypical of the behaviour of *some* users (and I am ashamed to say in the overwhelming majority of cases it is men) on sites like this one or one's dealing with sex and sexuality.

In some cases it's individuals with very sick fantasies, or deluded ideas of what is acceptable, in some it's people out to shock and get a reaction, in some (as I suspect is the case here given the age of the sender) it's immaturity coming to the fore and doing it for a laugh or other sick pleasures, in others it will be driven by having got a false impression from porn, and sometimes it will be a combination of all/some of the above. Scarier still in some it will actually be the way they think.

Whatever the reason it's not acceptable, the problem is what can be done about it beyond what the OP has done in blocking and reporting - which to an extent is shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted given the damage has been done and the triggers have been triggered?

In this day and age of easy access, secure VPNs etc, not to mention the ease of hiding behind a keyboard and typing whatever you like, the options are limited unless there are extreme circumstances - blocking and reporting obviously stops this particular person on this occasion, but that's about the limit of what can be done. Even if they're removed from the site they can easily come back with a different profile and using a different IP address.

Being honest too, blocking and reporting places the onus on the victim (because let's face it that's exactly what any recipient of this kind of *** is) to take action, which is totally wrong.

So how do we protect ourselves from those who seek to *** online (and potentially offline too) in this way? I really don't know is the answer and I find that incredibly sad and more than a little scary.

I don't think anyone on here would agree that this guy did a "good thing" to be honest. It is scary and let's people see what is thrown about willy-nilly in inboxes. It could be a copy and paste job, it could be personal, it could be completely random, it could be a mesh of what he's saying to others but tailoring it slightly... Who knows...

I would also say I am glad that no finger is being pointed at me although I am confused as to why you've mentioned this? But regardless... Read my profile. Tell me if anywhere I am "asking for this" content to be directed at me? If in anyway I may be giving off signals that may have "confused" this 'lad'. I think my profile is very direct to the point of what I do and don't like or want. 

That I am not single but in fact trying Poly, and that I mostly like femme men and some ladies etc... neither of which he was may I add... I had never seen or interacted with him before, and I would probably guess neither had Bath when he messaged her. So he's got some reason for this and if it is just to get a kick out of letting people read his "stories" or upsetting members, then this isn't the place for him. 

 

Now this site I have been on for 18 months. I love it here, I have found my people. I have found friends and I found a great partner early on. I have also had some successful dates in the time I have been on here even tho they didn't evolve. I love this site, it's forums and articles.. It has really helped me grow and learn, keep myself safe and practise kink safely as I go along. I have met some bad eggs, heck I am probably a bad egg myself depending on who you ask, after all we can't please everyone, but NO ONE ever should have recieved this. NO ONE ever should have sent this!

 

Now, all I could do was either: 

1. Respond and give him that reaction he probably hoped for. 

2. Ignored and said nothing, but that helps no one.

3. Reported and blocked (which I did) to protect myself from anything further and maybe give him a hint it's not ok.

4. Put a post up warning people but also educating people and making this publicly known so people can identify their own behaviour, or protect against this behaviour setting them off.

 

Now *I* know this is not any reflection of this site. Someone mentioned in a comment that if they recieved this they would be spooked and delete... And I don't blame them. 

Now 12 months ago had I recieved this I would have ran and probably took this really to heart and it would have affected me more than it has... But I have seen the goodness in this site and it's members and I will not have it tarnished due to one Idiot (which to be fair he is). I am saying no, fuck you, I won't leave and much like you're NOT doing, I'll stay and educate myself. 

 

Also I have reported to the mods and they took some form of action to maybe kick him into verification. His name was golden with a line through it.... But his name is now visible again and according to bath above, this guy can be viewed. So it seems he is still on here. I am hoping that modmins can see and read this post and seriously take action because let's face it, none of us will feel safe if he's on here. But while I don't want to *** of the site people's, I also do not want him to be loose to do this again. 

Mods to my knowledge, or admins whatever, can IP ban. Now I am not a techy person so I don't know if this can be got around but if someone is clever (which I'd not assume he was) they could get through this. Maybe if he was banned he would give up... and go elsewhere... but sadly he will probably do it elsewhere. Fantasy or reality I do not think this guy is safe. I think something needs done but it's probably a matter of "when he does something wrong" and not just "describing it" online. Which is also terrifying. 

 

I do not see myself as a victim of his. This makes me feel like he's taken something from me. Yes he triggered me due to the content... more the words "limp" and "drown" but I also know he cannot immediately hurt me. That I can post what he has done, with said warnings, and show people what has happened. To prevent this from happening or upsetting someone else in their inbox. IF someone else recieves soemthing like this, they can sort of think, Fuck that's the guy described in Jen's post and the name and age and sort of content is similar and they can report outright, and that's IF he remains on here.

[Vi****]

This is so disgusting to send to you ladies, reading this makes me feel sick, he is seriously disturbed his writings make me feel very scared. Thanks for sharing and highlighting this appalling behaviour and these messages us woman often receive. Definitely report him.