I'm 19. I want to be in the BDSM lifestyle, but I'm scared.

[StyleAsylum]

Hello everyone,

My name is Mya.  I am 19 years old. I am a lesbian, as my name says.  I am in the goth community.  This is my first time actually diving in this lifestyle.  Just a warning, I'm all over the place with my writing.  I write what I think and it can be a mess. 

I'm going to be honest, I'm really scared of everyone here.  Since I started on this site, I haven't had the best first hand experience.  Many guys on here seem to be very demanding of me and have been rather creepy.  I knew to expect the creepiness, but not in this way.  I've had many people demand me to spill every little detail about my kinks, but wants to nothing else about me.  I thought being on here I would find someone that would still treat me human.  Maybe I was expecting too much?  

I do like the whole degrading, but in the first chat without getting to know me is sketch to me.  I want to meet people in this community, learn some things from them and have friends that don't judge.  I'm sure this isn't the kind of community that judges anyone.  

I'm all over the place.  I don't know what all I should be asking.  I'm so confused.  I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry.

[Ni****]

Welcome, and sorry you've not had the best of introductions to the site. You can set filters so only women can message you, will cut out all of the a holes who don't read profiles, or respect boundaries. You are spot on about not expecting or having do / share anything right from first message. No need to apologise for others making you feel uncomfortable.

[RosyCheeks]

Can I suggest you be careful showing your insecurities too? For your safety and your confidence. Your writing wasn't all over the place at all :)

Also side note, your makeup looks so fun!!

[Ae****]

Filter - you'll meet a lot of people, straight, queer, trans, male, female, vanilla, kinky, dom and sub, who are difficult, rude or just clumsy.

Keep talking to people and when someone is rude, or whatever, understand that that's just part of life - most people may be rude, some just won't get you, and some, a few - you'll like eachother and also click etc. They're the ones to pay attention to. Forget the rest, remember and focus on these guys.

Don't be put off by all of the frogs of the world - if you don't learn to take them with a pinch of salt, you're going to have a very difficult time dating! Go and slow, take breaks, keep going :)

[Deleted Member]

Hey voodoo, it was nice to see you in the chat last night. You can always come into the Lobby to talk, so don't be nervous to come back. I defo agree with people suggesting adding filters.

If you have friends you want to be able to get around them, you can always message them first. Filters only apply to opening messages.

[Ae****]

8 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

Hey voodoo, it was nice to see you in the chat last night. You can always come into the Lobby to talk, so don't be nervous to come back. I defo agree with people suggesting adding filters.

If you have friends you want to be able to get around them, you can always message them first. Filters only apply to opening messages.

Just FYI for my comment i didn't mean adding/setting an automatic message filter. I meant talk to people, see how they behave and then either give more of your time or just end the connection because their behaviour shows whether you want to hang out with them.
Completely aside, people with message filters... they get a certain kind of person - the kinda person willing to jump through hoops to talk to them, which might be something worth considering.

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, Aeonova said:

Just FYI for my comment i didn't mean adding/setting an automatic message filter. I meant talk to people, see how they behave and then either give more of your time or just end the connection because their behaviour shows whether you want to hang out with them.
Completely aside, people with message filters... they get a certain kind of person - the kinda person willing to jump through hoops to talk to them, which might be something worth considering.

I absolutely don't expect people to jump through hoops, thank you. I have filters which mean people without pictures can't message as those tend to be the abusive trolls, and I have age filters because I was getting a lot of filthy messages from young men who want a cougar.

[Deleted Member]

The majority of filters allow you to "filter" out messages from the people you don't want to contact you, they don't make people work harder

Edited January 30, 2022 by Deleted Member

[MasterDemonFire]

I would suggest going to a munch and meeting people then progress further

[Ae****]

15 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

I absolutely don't expect people to jump through hoops, thank you. I have filters which mean people without pictures can't message as those tend to be the abusive trolls, and I have age filters because I was getting a lot of filthy messages from young men who want a cougar.

Ok... that's nice... anyways. Was just clarifying that I wanted to say people filter themselves out of your life by their behaviour. Case in point 😅

[Mo****]

Hi to you Mya, and welcome to Fetish. Girl there are a few things that I would like you to know. First up, putting filters into place can actually close off communication with people who are out to help you. In my mind it would be better for you to block them until you get a feel for the community. Secondly, the community here, as a whole, are far more understanding and way less judgmental than on other sites, so YOU just need to be YOU, research, make friends, and possibly find mentors or guides who can assist you when you need it.

Now for anyone that contacts you, if they have NOT read your profile, block them because they are not what you want or need at this point in time. If anyone contacts you that does not show you Respect and treat you with manners, they also should be blocked. Remember WE are ALL Special in our own way, and it just takes someone to recognise that fact, for life to change. ANYONE that makes demands of you should be automatically blocked, because they are not the type you want to meet, irrespective of gender.

The last couple of points I want to make are these. Mya, this life does have some dangers to it, and they are normally as a result of making the wrong selection with playmates, or rushing into something without fully researching it first, so take your time, build trust and make sure that the other person treats you as a human first rather than an object. Finally, your writing was OK for me. I managed to follow and understand what you wanted to say. And should you ever wish to talk with an old school guy on the other side of the world, please HMU, because I hate seeing newbies wrongly treated and end up leaving because of being disillusioned, Take care and best of luck Mya.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, Aeonova said:

Ok... that's nice... anyways. Was just clarifying that I wanted to say people filter themselves out of your life by their behaviour. Case in point 😅

"people with message filters... they get a certain kind of person - the kinda person willing to jump through hoops to talk to them"

You're free to think what you like of me, I've very similar thoughts in return. Your tone here, however, implies those with filters have expectations and pretensions. You want to be derisive, expect backlash.

[Ae****]

11 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

"people with message filters... they get a certain kind of person - the kinda person willing to jump through hoops to talk to them"

You're free to think what you like of me, I've very similar thoughts in return. Your tone here, however, implies those with filters have expectations and pretensions. You want to be derisive, expect backlash.

Ok... I'd address this but it's the OPs thread, convo shouldn't be derailed, and I've better things I do than bicker with strangers who try so hard to find an argument 🤦‍♂️🙋‍♂️

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, Aeonova said:

Ok... I'd address this but it's the OPs thread, convo shouldn't be derailed, and I've better things I do than bicker with strangers who try so hard to find an argument 🤦‍♂️🙋‍♂️

You won't address it but you will have the last word?

[Dustykat]

Hello if you need to talk to a girl  that used to be where you are it’s me a long time ago when I was 18 and a lesbian I became part of the BDSM community and have evolved since than and if you need to talk don’t be shy I don’t bit 🧚🏻‍♀️

[CopperKnob]

Hey Mya, the vast majority of people here are decent people. There are unfortunately some that seek out those that have newly signed up and show their true colours making demands in the first few messages. Follow the advice Lady Char has given you, filter out who you don't want messages from by age/gender/orientation/location etc. That'll stop the vast majority of them. It shouldn't be that you have to receive, read and then block. That can impact confidence and put you off in the first few months. You'll be needing to protect your sanity/wellbeing.
Read through the new to bdsm posts. You'll get a sense there from the posts/comments on different topics and it'll help you identify who you might want to chat with if thats what you want from the site
Sadly, I'd suggest that most identifying as fem have experienced what you have. About a year or so ago, i was in your situation. It does get better I promise. You'll soon learn about yourself, your likes and your confidence re bdsm will grow.
It's great that you've posted here and been in the chat rooms. It seems that you know where your boundaries are too and aren't willing to budge on them for the wallys
I hope you stick around and remember, there are no silly questions, ask what you want we've all been in your shoes

[ge****]

Sadly abusive and unwanted messages are to be expected on sites like this - various factors combine to result in some users (and sadly it is mostly men, or men pretending to be women) who send them.
.
It's almost like they see "sex site" and forget about all the qualities of respect, consideration and decency etc they'd usually apply in any other interaction.
.
There are however a lot of good people about, and finding them is the key.
.
Filters and your block tool are your friends, along with developing a fairly thick skin and the ability to trust your instincts.
.
Yes, using filters you *may* rule out a good person along with the bad, but if you already *know* you wouldn't want to meet someone from a certain criteria, is that really such a big deal? For example, as a lesbian you're probably not going to want to meet men, and even the good men aren't necessarily going to be able to see things from your perspective, so filtering men out won't make a great deal of difference. Besides if you see a profile you like that is outside your filters it doesn't filter you out from initiating the first contact, so again nothing lost.
.
As others have said the forums and chat rooms are a great way to get a *feel* for people above and beyond the words of their profile, so use those elements of the site as you develop your use of it.
.
I'm sorry that you have had bad experiences though, but there are a lot of good people here too, who will only be too willing to help and guide you, as you have seen in this thread.

[sub_nick]

Hi Mya, sorry to hear you haven’t had the best first experiences. A lot of good points made in this thread.

Most people here are decent humans and will treat newbies as humans as well, of-course there are a lot of creeps (as people have mentioned above) but IMO, just ignore them.

If you wish to set filters you can, but this may stop decent people who would like to message you to actually get to know you and be friends, (if you’re looking for that) but at the end of the day do what you feel is right.

Overall, most of this community are really welcoming and try to help newcomers.

[Deleted Member]

Hi LesbianVoodooDoll. First of all, welcome to the community. Secondly, there is nothing wrong with feeling the need for kink, but unable to identify what that would look like. A dom should be respectful and honourable at all times, with his/her subs wellbeing and happiness at the forefront of his/her mind. You will be able to respond favourably, and start the journey of trust. You should never feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable in the first instance. Subs have every right to push back. If you would like my advise, and believe me I'm no expert and have made plenty of mistakes on here myself, it would be to separate sex and play. Find an experienced dom who can guide you and let you discover your limits. He/she will ensure you are cared for and the appropriate aftercare is given, without intercourse muddying the waters. When you know your own limits and are confident to push back, you and look for a dom. There are some wonderful doms who could do both play and sex with a novice, but equally you may get one who does not have your best interests at heart and could do real damage.
The LS is an incredibly loving, open and supportive community. I wish you good fortune.

[Chriselle]

First, deep breath. Second, I strongly encourage you to try to be as forthright about what you’re looking for and not looking for (in a concise way) in your bio. I agree with whoever said block, report, and filters are your best friends. Also, feel free to ignore the people who can’t hold a conversation without sounding like they were raised by wolves. Third, if you can, mention you’re looking for mentorship or friendship. Sometimes you can get good advice from normal people by making clear this is exploratory for you. Finally, try to be patient with yourself. You’re young and these kinky friendships and relationships if done right take time. Best of luck and inbox me anytime if you need advice.

[Koby]

Hi,

Welcome to the community,

Genuinely sorry to hear that you are being harassed by guys on here. Please don't justify their behaviour - kinks are shared being partners. Don't let them put you off exploring either.

In a roundabout way, it is an eye opener in terms of women's experiences on sites like this, I don't know how they cope with. But it may make you more resilient and determined to wade through the bs, to find what you are seeking.

[Deleted Member]

Ok first thing i could say, need to say is welcome you are on the net so always remeber the ability to log out is there for you, i think we all forget that sometimes.

Second you are a submissive , doesmt mean you obey everyone nor do you belong to anyone , you choose who ypu give that to, when you meet the right woman it will be natural.

Third is the easy part, no stupid questions we have all been in your place at some point

[Casual1]

Welcome Voodoo. First best rule, always be safe. If you feel your comfort zone has been unduly violated, don't be afraid to use the block button. Submissive does not equal doormat. Boundaries should be respected always, but even more particularly early on in any relationship while we're still new to each other. Message filters will help cut down some of the less-appreciated communications.

Always remember, you have value that is unique to you, and you should be confident and proud of it. Your submission isn't something to be demanded, it is yours to give as a gift to whom you deem worthy of it. (Submissives often forget the power they hold just be being true to themselves and what they want out of a relationship)