Do BDSM titles carry weight?

[Koby]

Hi,

I am aware that BDSM is about cultivating your own identity, included within this is an ability to self define yourself and select a title which correlates to our perception of ourselves.

For you personally, does your title carry weight e.g. expectation, responsibility, pride etc.

Has there been occasions when a title has felt too weighty?  E.g. to the point it feels overwhelming?

Did you also have to undertake some soul searching before finally and firmly assume a particular title.

I am not asking about our general views about BDSM titles and their significants, I am just intrigued about your journey towards finding a title which suits you. 

 

 

 

Edited February 24, 2022 by Koby
Word changing

[Koby]

I am going to answer my own question lol.

Assuming the title of Daddy for me was difficult because my perception of BDSM was that it influences every other aspect of someone's life e.g. I was responsible for much more than their sexual needs. We don't come as individuals as separate parts, we come whole.

Before assume the title, I had to square it with myself and see if I was emotionally ready. 

Naturally, the title has become in a way more weighty as I take on more responsibilities. My influence is encompassing more areas of a person's life.

Edited February 24, 2022 by Koby
Spelling

[ey****]

I think - possibly... but with titles being largely self appointed - then, a bit like a hat you can try them on to see which ones fit.

[ge****]

For me personally as a submissive - the only soul searching needed was the initial discovery and realisation of all those pent up feelings I had harboured for years and not totally understood.
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Once I was able to identify them, and as a result start to explore them and my understanding of them, I was able to embrace them to the extent I do today.
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So no I don't feel a weight of responsibility as such, other than to myself to stick to my own principles regarding my submissive side, and that includes respecting others as well as myself.
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Now that may partly be due to my not having undue expectations when it comes to finding a partner to explore with and so there is no self-imposed weight as a result.

[Ae****]

I don't care about mine that much. At all. Just helps people find me and sets a broad understanding about what time may be like between us.

[Pl****]

I don't personally use titles anymore, for reasons that are more general and don't have anything in particular to do with kink or sex. I've just noticed that when people self-identify as something/anything, it can negatively effect their thought processes. I haven't thought much about what that means in these particular cases, but there are examples I've seen, such as a person who identifies as a submissive going along with something they're not really okay with, when they otherwise wouldn't have felt that obligation.

I am largely dominant person, and i might even tell others that I'm a dominant for descriptive expediency, but I don't think of myself as a dominant, in case doing so might give me some false responsibility to perform in that role, or blind myself to cases where dominance is not preferable. I don't think titles add significant value (I can still like/feel/do the same things without them), and I think it's easier to be morally/ethically centered and more in touch with your true feelings and desires without titles. I suppose self-identifying could potentially provide some structure to people in need of it, at the cost of flexibility, but I'd still suggest that anyone who does so make an effort to understand how it could alter their thoughts and perspectives, so that they might better defend against any negatives outcomes.

[Dancingbear225]

The title/name I use was given to me by one of my subs and it tickled me for a number of reasons. I think of it more as a private nickname than a title.

[Deleted Member]

I'm a sub, but I have an alpha/dominant personality, which is alive and kicking until play. I discuss, debate, sometimes argue. I am a feminist and believe in equality. Sometimes doms see sub and hear slave. Whilst I respect everyone's right to choose, I am most definitely not a slave. I won't clean your house, or defer to a in Every day situations. I think the title of sub can confuse some people, but I still carry it with pride x

[sacher_deSade]

Bitd, players were vetted by friends, or friends of friends, a Dungeon Master/Mistress, or well-respected members of the kink community.  I came out in the Leather Community in 1985 when Safe, Sane, Consensual Adults (SSCA) and National Leather Association-I members were the only players I associated with.  One didn't dare give themselves an honorific not earned.  They would be shunned and ignored.  I have seen fake doms denied entrance to dungeon parties at the door.

Now, how can I tell a convincing fake from a true Dom when people don't very often have parties and it seems people just hook-up based on online sources or conversations on the phone.  I haven't trusted anyone enough to do a scene in at least 5 years.  Would they even respect my safeword?  Does everyone even know what one is?  The idea of a heavy masochist playing with a near stranger scares me to tears, and that sort of *** is not one of my kinks.

[ol****]

There are some good points in this thread already. 

To define yourself in this lifestyle you need to be self aware. Oddly most people are incapable of self awareness. They have a self image in their head which is false. They do not see themselves as others see them. It is partly why there are wannabees in this lifestyle. 

Some people, with help, can come to see their true identity and some can't no matter how much help they are offered. 

Don't get me wrong, this can be a brutal process to go through. 

For me if you don't do it you'll be forever stuck in the twilight.

Just my 10 cents worth. 

[MissTakenDeep]

I struggle with titles because of the presumptions that come with them tbh. I’m definitely not here to serve or please anyone, I don’t want to be told I’m a good girl and I definitely don’t want full control either…kink can 100% be part of a relationship without D/S dynamics.

[Deleted Member]

I think it can be an ever evolving journey and really depends on how you feel about yourself. I definitely had to soul search to accept my Domme side as I'd been ***d to be submissive in my life for so long in a way that had nothing to do with kink.

At first I held the title as a badge of honour for myself. However, I found myself wanting to explore a switch dynamic that I missed out on because I was a Domme only in my self imposed label.

Now I enjoy Domme and switch sides. But Mistress and submissive are two titles that I feel don't sit well on me currently.

I like that we can all evolve through kink though. And I know a little more now about not clinging to a "type" without reevaluation every now and then.

I do see a difference in how I act in everyday life though with my inner Domme awakened.

[sacher_deSade]

Beginning my kink journey as a butch lesbian Dom, during one scene I felt subspace quite by accident. That lead me on a strange, uncomfortable quest that led me to having scenes with both men and women. I had not had vanilla (somewhat) sex during a scene, but once done, my life was on its way to doom. I regretted one such relationship, though very unprepared for.  I left a ten year marriage to my soul-mate on pressure from an aggressive New Yorker. He was a newbie Dom who said he would no longer associate with me if I didn't divorce my husband.

My husband was content to let me have my affair for as long as it went. This was nearly 30 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't regret the choice. The guy married me after my insistence. It was a mere conquest for him. We didn't make it but a few months until it was over. He stopped having scenes with me then the sex stopped. I should've anticipated that it would come to nothing good - we never went back to the photographers after paying them to shoot the wedding. All manner of expensive food was ordered and uneaten, so much was sent to the local soup kitchen by the rabbi.

After realizing the horrid misstep, I took a 3 month work assignment 1500 miles away. It was probably further but you get the idea. Was too late to reconnect with my soulmate, I was too ashamed of my status as a bottom so my lesbian group was out of the question. I had few options that I lost my townhouse, all of my inherited antiques also everything I had collected over the years, and my 30 expensive whips, quirts and floggers. I took up with the first person who would have me after I had been ***d and needed a shoulder to cry on, another nurse who didn't grow-up in the manner that I had. She and her family are dirt-poor self proclaimed rednecks from, guess where, New York which is where I'm stuck in the very top of NY State in a tiny village of less than 1,000 people without anything to do. There's no movie theater, mall, or even large department store.

Not sure why I unloaded on this thread, but here it is and I'm really depressed. Tried to get in with a counselor, but demand is so high and amount of providers so low they wouldn't give me an appointment. Things get accomplished in New York if one is loud and gets in people's faces. I was raised to be quiet, polite, and unassuming so much of what I need is overlooked for the vociferous. Due to my isolation for the past 5 years, my best friend from 8th grade is no longer communicating with me. She claims that I've done nothing to offend her, but what would you think if a friend offered to let you stay with them one day and the next day called you back to say that it wasn't possible? I think her husband nixed the plan we had of me staying until getting a place in the town I grew up in.

My partner and I are finished, no physical contact (hugs or hand holding, even), and very little talking.  Its set up so she is up from around 0800-2300 and I keep to nights 1800-0800. Even she has commented that I move away from her when asleep, I have nothing to say but, "Maybe I twitched."  I want out of this place, relationship, and my horrid life.

Could tell more but have given you enough for a picture. Wish I a drinking or drug habit, an escape. My only escape is endorphins from physical ***, unfortunately.

I'm not going to proofread this like I ordinarily do. I'm depressed, lonely, tired, "and miles to go before I sleep."-to quote Robert Frost.

I am ready to get out of here, go back to the Mid-west where

[sexwith-aghost13]

When I took on the title Sub/Slave it was extremely difficult adjusting with it. Once I started being open with my identity and because I was born female, lots of men and even a few dominant women, always tried to *** me into things, put me down, humiliate me, degrade me, etc. They did this because they said that I would enjoy it, I'm a sub, I'm supposed, I need to be put in my place, etc so there is most definitely a lot of weight that comes with my title. 

When I started to discover my intrigue for switching I got the same treatment as a dominant, I would get multiple subs/littles in my dm, begging me to hurt them and degrade them because that is my job. Or I would get men in my dms saying that women can only be submissive and breedable. 

Personally this is just my experience and I still get crap for having my title(s) in bdsm all the time. Sometimes I have questioned whether this community is for me or not because I wasn't sure I could put up with mistrusting people in my own community. Having this title of being a submissive/slave is very hard but I definitely would not go back on my decisions and my lifestyle because of the weight of my title. 

Now in my everyday life I feel I have expectations to follow because of my title and my personality doesn't match up with what some people think a submissive should be. I am loud, opinionated, energetic, will push back, and overall my personality is more of a liberal personality. I will break rules if I feel they are unfair, I will educate people who need, stick up for people in need, etc. Being a submissive is a lot harder than people realize. There is lots of sexism and misogyny.

Lol I'm sorry I didn't mean to rant but I just wanna give people a clear idea of what titles can do to a person and how it can affect them. Even now I struggle with coming to terms with being into bdsm because of how I was treated. You just have to find the friends, relationship, and people for you in this community to let you know it's alright to have a label, not be labeled, to have extreme kinks or not : )