Manners and Etiquette

[Deleted Member]

 

Dear All,

I'm writing this following a conversation last night on chat which left a rather bitter taste. 

The purpose of writing this is to give some advice and reflection to those very new to this community/ lifestyle. I highlight "very new" as I am less than a year into this. However I've been very lucky to find as amazing mentor who is my Sir,  he is my Dom who is very experienced and had led me to a place of greater understanding of myself and others. 

There is, in this lifestyle some unwritten rules which are upheld by those committed to preserving and promoting this way of life.  

Manners:  please, thank you, may I..... all promote respect and a sense of positivity that will improve your position and how you are regarded. 

When people are talking,  don't interrupt, by listening and reading you may learn something.  There is a wealth of experience and knowledge here and that should not be lost because of silly or childish behavior.  Those whom we can learn from are opting out of the online community because of this which I feel is a great shame. 

Etiquette: this is about how you hold yourself,  what you choose to say or not say.  Don't make yourself look stupid by petty comments.  Know what this space is for It's not to off load your worldly problems,  it's sharing the interest of BDSM, of course friendships are  made so please try to use your private space for private matters.  Keep yourself safe,  sharing some of this information with strangers isn't safe. 

Dom is a male,  Domme is a female..... always take the time to make the D as this highlights the role and pays respect to the control.  sub is always little s hence D/s relationship. 

Take time for the detail,  think about your words,  what respect would you want in return,  show humility,  accept others and be prepared to hear things that might be difficult.  

We are all learning,  try your best

 

Fire 🔥

[ey****]

agreed  

[Deleted Member]

Sounds sensible - when was being respectful ever a bad idea.

[BigPolly]

Agreed. I see the most stunning beautiful photos on here & the feel myself flinch at some of the replies ‘great tits’ ‘come & sit on my face’ ‘I’d like to cum all over you’, ‘do you squirt’...oh pleeeeease if anyone thinks this is even remotely attractive or is going to make anyone fall into bed then they are deluded.. There’s maybe some folk that are turned on by this but to those that doesn’t share that overbearing rude/direct kink it is nothing short of rude & disrespectful! Others don’t push their kinks onto you so don’t do it others, be polite & not vile. Also I know many are here just for a quick ‘hook up’ & to those that are after their 5mins fix to feed their own selfish fetishes of ‘I like older women & I like fat women’ etc etc grow a brain cell & read people’s profiles before making yourself look like a complete moron. If people’s profiles state that they’re looking to meet just for sex or have no info on then fine. However if you read a profile & they have clearly written what they do & don’t want from this site then have some respect! Those of us that know what we want or are happy to speak out, do so but this is unfair on any newbies who are nervous & it may give them a tainted view of what out beautiful community is about. Can we also extend that respect onto the private messaging page...basically as in any situation, No means No. if someone tells you they’re not interested, you’re too young, they don’t think your profiles match, they don’t match your kinks etc then accept it, don’t question it & make someone feel awkward for not being attracted to you or connecting with you! Just because some of us are depraved or like to be controlled or like weird stuff it doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve the same respect as you. If you are genuinely interested in learning & as Fire has said, we are all learning, then simply ask. Most on here will answer any questions the best way they can & wont judge.

[BigPolly]

Sorry @Firewitch I didn’t mean to hijack that. I just think you have raised such a huge point that most of us often struggle with & you put it so beautifully x

Edited June 24, 2018 by BigPolly

[Deleted Member]

Agree with everything that has been said on this matter, it is just a shame that the very people that this applies to will most probably never read this as it is quite beyond their small-mindedness & intellect, or if they do it'll more than likely go straight over their heads. The terms of use for the chat rooms are clearly set out & although the site moderators do post messages as reminders etc, I feel it is a shame that offenders are not officially warned by them & then, if they repeat offend, be blocked from chat altogether, or even the site itself

[Deleted Member]

The site doesn't help with this sense of entitlement.. when you reject or correct someone they often rate you low, be it pictures, profile or mail..giving a skewed view to anyone considering mailing..if someone has a mail rating of 2 for example why would anyone want to message them..when it could very easily be simply because you've sent a "could you at least read my profile that says I'm not looking for cybersex, or ***, or whatever" ..I've at least a dozen low ratings come directly after rejecting a sleaze bag in chat.

I think the biggest cause of this is the blend on BDSM and fetish..often the fetishists have no concept of the protocols you so adeptly describe..and if they are aware of course they consider it doesn't apply to them because BDSM isn't their thing, they're only here to tick off a bucket list wish or wank onto feet, hook up for sex etc blah etc..and although there is the kinkster room it's not as active so they "invade" the BDSM one with streams of, as you say, wanna fuck type messages, email addresses, paypig demands, and general come sit on my face type shite..and the lobby, ignoring the cliques is impossible, and tends to be a lot of hi and bye type messages ..sorry @Firewitch I've  wandered off course a bit. Great post though I hope at least some of those who need to see it, do.

[Deleted Member]

Some good points well made @Firewitch. Thank you for raising this subject so eloquently.

[ey****]

I think even aside from protocols, there's a lot of lack of decency.  I think it's a problem in the fetish scene in general and a lot from guys - who, yeah, they approach with a sense of entitlement : that there "Must be someone" willing to drop everything and give them the time of day....

[Deleted Member]

As a fairly new and inexperienced member I feel you have made some very good points for people like myself who may have crossed a line at some point. I will take this advice onboard. Thank you Fire

[ey****]

oops, there's a point above I meant to pick up on, but

Quote

it is just a shame that the very people that this applies to will most probably never read this

Sadly, that is true.

However, those who are proactively and genuinely seeking to learn WILL read this and it may end up helping them.  

[Deleted Member]

That all needed to be said; well done for highlighting it. There are some males, who are on who trips and wrongly think that because they call themselves a Dom, that they are entitled to speak, back orders immediately to anyone calling themselves submissive. I've seen it. Orders in capital letters, emphasising that they're shouting their demands. As you quite rightly suggest, the best approach is a polite one. Get to find out what makes the submissive tick first, and why they're here and what THEY are searching for. Communication is a two-way process, each party learning from listening, asking, assimilating, analysing and reacting appropriately. If you can't behave like that in a face to face conversation, then this isn't the place for a wannabe. Compromise, self control and appreciating depth, go a very long way to bringing two people together.

[Deleted Member]

*ego trips

[Jed]

Brilliant....for far to long the lack of respect that has existed in here has been purely detrimental to the overall flow of the way the site works...you raise so many valid points within your post that I hope the powers that be take note and listen to the community for which they benefit...this is a safe space a learning portal a community hotspot a gathering of like minded people who care deeply about their Lifestyle and will make every effort to be inclusive in all aspects..offering advice respecting diversity and openly building a better community for all...but to be part of that community means you whoever you are...show the humility and respect for everyone regardless of gender or kink....if your new take the opportunity to grow and develop by listening and participating in such a way that those prepared to help will without question.....manners are the base line for ANY social interaction...they gain you respect...it allows common ground to be established and greater understanding to be gained....we all want this to work it's our common goal.....lets hope some good comes of your post Fire.... Well done🔥🔥🔥

[BigPolly]

Ohhh @Leatherdom2020 you are so right, the amount of times I’ve had ‘I DEMAND YOU ANSWER ME’ or ‘ANSWER ME NOW SLUT’ all in capitals 🙄 sadly those tosspots don’t understand that you need to earn a subs gift of submission.

[Deleted Member]

I’m fairly new to this site and some of the messages and comments from men mainly are just crass. It’s like their 13 year old self has been allowed to control the keyboard! It doesn’t matter what level of submission or use someone is into, if you actually want to play with them, how about a proper conversation rather than “would you look at the size of your tits!” I’m sure some get off on that, but I’m not going to just drop my pants or even talk to anyone for the text version of a catcall. Nor am I going to answer someone who has naff all details on their profile other than ‘looking for kinky fun’ I have been told I’m a shallow excuse for a human being because I didn’t want to broaden my horizons and consider a 21 year old Dom and didn’t like his profile which I sent a polite self typed ‘thanks but no thanks’ message. A bit of politeness goes a long way. *carries on knitting*

[ey****]

you know, this came up in another thread "why do women block me instead of saying 'no thanks'" and that's just it.  Some is grim.

[Deleted Member]

🔥 🔥 Love xx 🔥🔥

[ca****]

11 hours ago, mshopey said:

I’m fairly new to this site and some of the messages and comments from men mainly are just crass. It’s like their 13 year old self has been allowed to control the keyboard! It doesn’t matter what level of submission or use someone is into, if you actually want to play with them, how about a proper conversation rather than “would you look at the size of your tits!” I’m sure some get off on that, but I’m not going to just drop my pants or even talk to anyone for the text version of a catcall. Nor am I going to answer someone who has naff all details on their profile other than ‘looking for kinky fun’ I have been told I’m a shallow excuse for a human being because I didn’t want to broaden my horizons and consider a 21 year old Dom and didn’t like his profile which I sent a polite self typed ‘thanks but no thanks’ message. A bit of politeness goes a long way. *carries on knitting*

Carries on knitting   very funny!  Quickly checks that 'knitting' is not some kinda kink word / label!
 

[Deleted Member]

Good thread topic. The art if conversation is lost with so many people these days. In this Tinder age many guys just feel girls are disposable and think that they can talk to them like crap. Its been mentioned already but the lack of common decency, both on these kind of sites and out in the real world is astounding. 

I hear stories all the time of supposed Dom guys just barking orders, sending all cap messages, demanding instant responses. Generally doing the whole ego trip thing and I'm sure many women will have been put of the scene by guys like this. 

You're not going to gain anyones trust in 5 minutes by being disrespectful or rude.

Patience and respect are truly virtuous.

[Deleted Member]

Good points well made Fire. Thanks for expounding it all so eloquently.

[Deleted Member]

Well written piece fire 

we had similar conversation in the looby the other night 

 

I was shocked by the true lack of understanding of some of those calling themselves Dominants 

this included basic respect and manners, etiquette-  to simple concepts like being collared and what that means 

 

I believe the mishmash of different lifestyles confuses things 

but ultimately no matter  the fetish no matter the lifestyle basic common courtesy and manners isn't unreasonable to ask for when making contact 

 

for those who are new and learning, ask politely , listen and everything  you want to know is here ... people will be more than happy to share 

also in same light it's very frustrating to watch "submissives" begging to be fucked without even a hello 

I find it hard to bite my lip 

thank you Fire for great post and thank you to others like polly jed and msjax for sharing too 

Sx 

 

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for all your comments 🔥

[Deleted Member]

Perfect ✌