Emotions or feelings... right or wrong?

[Je****]

4 hours ago, MissTakenDeep said:

I don’t think you sound ‘mean’ at all Jen, I think you sound like a very intelligent woman who is very aware of herself, her needs, desires and limits..There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. I worry about the same thing, feelings developing in a dynamic that are only one sided, that hurts and the *** of being disregarded and pushed aside for someone who needs ‘less’ is very real, so I can completely understand why you’d want to avoid that currently. When I say vanilla & kink.. I mean my past relationships, there hasn’t been a dynamic because the men I’ve been with are not part of the kink community…the problem there has been that I’ve tried to mix bdsm sex and dynamics with feelings and partners who don’t understand the bdsm side/rules.. so it’s ended up toxic and definitely not healthy for me. You’d expect on here, or similar sites, that it would be easier to find a partner acclimated to both…but again, like yourself, I’m finding most people want play partners with little emotional connection. Aftercare and basic respect is not enough for me to submit, might be enough for occasional play, but for me to fully give myself, I need to feel fully wanted. Taking your time, assessing the situation, the person you’re considering play with, knowing where you’re at, what you can offer and communicating what you need are all things that will keep you safe mentally & physically…it’s something we should all do 💙

Thank you for your kind words. I do indeed know what I want and how I want things. I just struggle with words across. My meaning is different from others and I feel that can sometimes take from my point. I am working on this though. So I am always worrying I sound bad when I type. haha. 

I do definately agree on taking time and assessing the situation, the person, the relationship or dynamic and making sure it is a healthy and positive thing. Being safe in every way yes and simply exploring likes and learning as we go. The differences from person to person, experience to experience and perceptions really is an incredible thing. I have enjoyed the diversity and variation this post has brought. Thank you for your contribution xxxx

[Je****]

4 hours ago, keil-long said:

Good points one and all and food for thought for everyone just remember what works for ones dynamic may not work for another the main thing is at the start the R.O.E's are explained and agreed by all parties I could wax lyicly on but that is the core of my explanation we are all unique and there is not a set answer for every one out

Thanks Keil. Yes everyone is different and every view and opinion valid. It is a funny but good discussion. Emotions even complicate things talking in hypotheticals (for me lol) 🤣

 

What a mad old world. 

[Je****]

2 hours ago, starryeyed24 said:

I didn’t take offense to anything you said, Jen. One of the most beautiful things I find about BDSM is how encompassing it is. It really is what you make of it.

Thank you. Also very true. Same with life in regards to what you make it. ❤ 

[Ma****]

22 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

After a discussion in the lobby this morning it got my mind thinking.... The topic was :

"What is a dynamic? What is a relationship? Whats the difference?,And is one worth "more" than the other in terms of trust and bond? Would or could you play with / give or recieve aftercare from, someone you do NOT have emotions for?"

 

One or two implied it is "dangerous" to play or have a D/s dynamic with someone unless you *can* be emotionally available to them. Am I in the wrong for wanting a dynamic where I do *not* have emotions involved..? Does that make me or anyone else "dangerous"? Does the definition of "emotion" play a factor?

I feel I want a dynamic where "emotions" are seperate, but love/romance for me is for a relationship. It is very interesting how different people may vision this. I may add for me personally, caring for another human being is very different from an "emotional attachment". I would very much care for someone should I be involved with them, as care should always be automatically applied, but I do not wish to be emotionally available to everyone I may ever frolic with.

 

But I do not feel that I or anyone else is "dangerous" for keeping emotions seperate, just because some people view "emotions" as different things. At the end of the day, the communication is the stepping stone for this. Any advice?

 

Im a service top. its literally my job to provide safe play to people who ask me for it. and i always provide whatever aftercare they need. you do not need emotional attachment for play or for a dynamic to be fulfilling. you need knowledge, trust and communication. thats it. its no different than sex, people can 100% have great, safe, sex with people they are not emotionally entangled with and it cause no issues. why should getting/giving a spanking be any different? is it better for some people if there are emotions involved? sure. but not everyone needs that. not everyone wants that. it is not inherently dangerous to play or have a dynamic without emotional attachment. I agre 100% that caring for someone is not the same thing as emotional attachment. every single person i scene/play/top/dynamic with is someone UNDER my care and thus i care about them. doesnt mean i have to be emotionally invested in some potential romantical relationship with them.

the only advice i could give is what youve already pointed out. communication is key. trust is key. if you want a dynamic without emotional attachment, find someone who knows what they are doing, and is on the same page. no reason you cant/shouldnt have that.

[Needit89]

You're prefect for me

[uk****]

A dynamic is just what we call a relationship that’s based on “kink”. We cannot control our emotions or feelings, only our actions.

[Deleted Member]

alawys set RoE's

[Mulatagoddess]

Asè

[Deleted Member]

good discussion jen and great input from everyone it is a subject that will never have a decisive answer to it but will always have at its core two main points that don't change , consent and communication  

we are all different and different kinks and views of what we want whether dynamic or emotional and at the core is communication an respect that others may not have the same view point as you 

that is all i can really bring to the decision as i no longer  participate in real or virtual kink  and only let very few to friend list even fewer  have personal com connection outside of here i am a grumpy un pc with my own baggage which i do not want to share for reasons that stay dark 

my previous time in the kink life i was a lot more active and had both connections with partners in kink .however  this time friendship and chat helping if i can is all i will ever do ,even if i get burnt doing it maybe my sense of integrity honour and manners is from another age but i live by Non verba, sed facta

sorry if i went off topic

keil long

[Deleted Member]

Sex, BDSM, love are all inherently intertwined for me. I won't participate in one without the other two. 

[cautiousswitch]

There are actually two aspects to the question that need to be answered.

1 - What is meant by emotion or emotional bond? Or what level of emotional bond are we talking about?

To be done safely, kink requires a minimal level of mutual concern and respect between participants.  This requires a level of emotion whether it is a general emotion applied to all of mankind or a stronger emotional bond with an individual.  A married couple who practices kink will have a stronger emotional connection with each other.  A professional dom/me or sub won't have as deep a connection with their clients but should have some level of concern for their well-being (as the client should have for them).   Having the maturity to agree to and abide by whatever rules and limits are to be in play requires some small amount of emotion.

So in that light, I would say that emotion is necessary. 

2 - Do the participants agree to the emotional level that is to be invested?

Again, at minimum each person must show respect for the other's limits, safe words, etc. and be concerned enough to stop if they think a line has been crossed.  This requires a very minimal amount of emotion and if all involved are fine with that then fine.  If one person shows less emotion than that required for respect and concern then we're getting into sociopathy.  If one person shows the minimal amount of emotion necessary for respect and the other person is expecting more then we're getting into accusation of sociopathy.  I am guessing that part of the discussion you are referring to were people complaining about the level of emotional involvement they got from past partners rather than a complete lack of emotion.   Part of planning should be a discussion of emotional expectations.

[cautiousswitch]

There are actually two aspects to the question that need to be answered.

1 - What is meant by emotion or emotional bond? Or what level of emotional bond are we talking about?

To be done safely, kink requires a minimal level of mutual concern and respect between participants.  This requires a level of emotion whether it is a general emotion applied to all of mankind or a stronger emotional bond with an individual.  A married couple who practices kink will have a stronger emotional connection with each other.  A professional dom/me or sub won't have as deep a connection with their clients but should have some level of concern for their well-being (as the client should have for them).   Having the maturity to agree to and abide by whatever rules and limits are to be in play requires some small amount of emotion.

So in that light, I would say that emotion is necessary. 

2 - Do the participants agree to the emotional level that is to be invested?

Again, at minimum each person must show respect for the other's limits, safe words, etc. and be concerned enough to stop if they think a line has been crossed.  This requires a very minimal amount of emotion and if all involved are fine with that then fine.  If one person shows less emotion than that required for respect and concern then we're getting into sociopathy.  If one person shows the minimal amount of emotion necessary for respect and the other person is expecting more then we're getting into accusation of sociopathy.  I am guessing that part of the discussion you are referring to were people complaining about the level of emotional involvement they got from past partners rather than a complete lack of emotion.   Part of planning should be a discussion of emotional expectations.