"Real Doms" or a generational shift?

[Sh****]

I've been party to a lot of talk recently about the lack of 'real Doms'. Or, usually, guys asserting themselves immediately as a Dom.

From what I hear (as they obviously don't message me) these types often open a conversation with something they feel is particularly dominant or allows them to assert themselves.

For this to be such a common occurance, one has to assume this approach has worked for them somewhere, somehow. To a degree, this can be forgiven as it is often accepted by newer and less experienced subs.

What I believe is a move to a faster, instant response type society is also driving people joining the fetish community to also use the same methodology.

Instead of spending time to learn one person and find out what makes them tick, it's far easier for a wannabe dom to send out 100 short, blunt and to the point messages. If just 1 of those subs respond, the effort was worth it.

Unfortunately, this is compounded by the inverse effect. When subs are flooded by messages from thirsty doms, and near all of them are crude and crass, why bother looking through the other messages to find the one from someone who genuinely has the time.

Society has become obsessed with saving time instead of spending time.

[Deleted Member]

Patience sadly is a dying art......not just in the kink scene but all walks of life.

[Jo****]

I feel the same about supposed female doms that are into women. Female for female dominant play involving power struggles... the overwhelming number of women that default to submissives or Littles is sad and disappointing. It seems almost like an excuse to jump on the BDSM bandwagon... and the Mistresses and Doms that claim to be hard-core experienced Doms seem to be nothing more than gold digging content creators with onlyfan and snap premium accounts hoping for cash... worse still they're so not dominant by nature. They're what I call Dairy Queens (vanilla, soft servants, that melt the second things get even a little warm). In fact so many people on this app would be better off on Match

[ro****]

I agree 100 percent with both of you but it’s not just them men who are guilty of this . what happen to the art of munches and negotiations of contracts and vetting , and when did the bdsm community become a place of monastery compensation

[Na****]

I agree that people not taking kink seriously can be a problem. They’d get more out of it with patience for sure. But In the community there is a slight chip on our shoulder about who is “real”

Maybe we need to talk about how we can educate this generation of kinksters better? trying to think constructively. I remember being a Dom in my 20s and not able to get any experience because I had no experience. I can see this frustration morphing into a rapid fire approach.

[As****]

I agree. There isn’t anymore the concept of bonding or connecting with someone, it’s either they f**k you or goodbye which is even worse. They don’t want to spend time to know you and especially for me as a brat is a bummer. I love intriguing scenarios, brilliant conversations, mind games. Those kind of things turn me on, but with these “Doms” you don’t get to have the time to bring the relationship to another level because they have already moved one to another girl….

[im****]

Patience sadly is a dying art......not just in the kink scene but all walks of life.

I agree

[wh****]

Im do done with al the fake doms on here

[Do****]

Absolutely true. These (usually younger) guys see apps like Fet and others as a way to quickly get laid. I do wonder if any of them really succeed. Not just really annoying to women who (often for the first time) take the step of opening themselves up as submissive, but potentially also dangerous, as these fake Doms really have no idea what they're doing. Safety and consent are not even considered.

One solution would be to have a minimum length for any first message to a sub. Or, even better, a requirement for a longer and completed profile. That is working well on another bdsm online platform here in the Netherlands. It is just too much effort for fakers.

[wi****]

It still sets the wrong tone to directly jump into play without negotiating boundaries, establish safety and consent

[Cheekysub247]

Alot of messages i get are from guys who want rough sex and think that because im sub im going to say yes instantly, they think this site is just for that. Others like you say start with a generic message you know they've sent to lots, and it does have "you will call me Sir in your reply" 😂 i dont call anyone Sir until we have agreed to start something that would lead to us meeting, and that meeting wouldnt take place until at least a month of getting to know each other. As im part of the furniture here now i dont get bombarded with 100s of messages a day anymore😂, but still have to wade through the mess in my inbox, i try to reply to most even if its a no thank you, others i just ignore if it looks like spam/bot.
Hopefully others take the time when they can to go through the messages to reply, my advice to people is make that first message interesting and show you have read the profile, that makes a big difference to me.

[ge****]

I don't even think it's a case of the approach having worked for them "somewhere, somehow" - more they think it's an approach that will work, because hey it proves they're dominant right? 🙄
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Thing is the blunt and crass approach, and flooding 100 messages in the hope of getting a reply one, are not limited to dominants, although are (mostly) limited to men or scammers regardless of whether kink is involved or not - it's the same on other sites geared to meeting people for sex, kinky or vanilla.
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Those approaches rarely work, or are soon found out, yet many guys don't realise that and get more and more frustrated and impatient as time goes on leading to the cries of 'it's so unfair' and blaming anyone but themselves for their lack of "success". Often even when it's pointed out to them they don't accept it or change their ways either.
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So whilst I do think there's an element of the "instant fix" society at play here, a lot of it comes down to people's misconceptions about how sites like this work, and their failure to recognise that it's not other people's fault but their own.

[Do****]

Absolutely true, especially younger guys seem to regard Fet and similar apps just as a way to quickly get laid. Because after all, girls and women on apps such as these must be 'ready to go', right? They show no interest in the subs they contact, tell nothing about themselves, don't ask any questions, etc. I do wonder how often they succeed. But like you said, if they succeed just once in 100 attempts, maybe that's enough. Sadly, this doesn't only put off women who (often for the first time) are open about their submissive desires, it can also be dangerous for them, as these fakers often have no clue what they're doing and have no regard whatsoever for safety, health, consent, etc.

In my opinion, patience really is a key characteristic for a Dom. I often have app/chat contact with a sub for days, sometimes weeks or in some instances even months before there is an actual meeting. I think that this is essential to establish trust and a comfortable relationship. Because it really is no small step for a girl or woman to allow herself to be tied up, blindfolded, gagged, spanked, flogged, caned, whipped, etc. by someone who is after all, a stranger. Especially when they are taking their first steps in this world.

One solution would be to require first messages on this app to have a mimmum length. Or even better, to require a longer and fully completed profile. Another bdsm platform in the Netherlands has that requirement in place and it seems to work quite well as this is just too much effort for these fake Doms.

[Du****]

Whilst I agree with your point, I would that it should go further: I t’s not a Dom thing, I t’s a Man thing. Sub men do exactly the same - wannabes, that is: they throw out 100 messages begging a Domme to do whatever it is they want (what the sub male wants, of course, no consideration for what the Domme’s wants might be) in the hope that a 1% return is still a return. I’ve received a barrage of insults already this morning from a clueless individual who offered himself to me as a slave with a long list of demands he wanted me to satisfy. He was furious when I pointed out that a) im not looking for one and b) a “slave” who is so demonstrably poor at reading instructions is quite useless. A D/s relationship should take time to build. Devotion I haven’t earned is hollow and worthless.

[AlphaLion]

I agree. It's not a kink thing rather more of a society thing. People want results in their life more than ever, and they don't wish to wait for it.

It's a shame because you can see the evidence, a new sub joins this site and within a day they have 80+ messages. Which is fine but it must be a nightmare for them to filter out the crap and fake doms. Which at that stage they might not even know what a fake dom is, they might be fresh to this life.

[Deleted Member]

I think it's more of the online effect we've been seeing over the past 20 years.
For example the disgusting decline in basic standards of decency with online discussion or comments. 20 years ago you never saw people tell others to kill themselves or threaten to r*** them in forums ect. Yet now it's become far to common due to people feeling untouchable behind a screen.
Most of these losers would not dare say this crap to real women for *** of the reaction. Though it is important to note that sadly some are gaining confidence from doing it online to actually try this in person.
The problem is also the lack of effort. You note how surely they must be having some success but that may not be the case. Given that a lot of these messages and comments are cut and paste it's sadly not that time consuming or hard to send out tons of these messages.
What's more it seems ridiculous to us that someone would keep trying something that clearly doesn't work but these individuals are more desperate and so more willing to avoid the obvious.
I've seen certain individuals haunt women's comments for months. One (who I won't name) even got called out for their behaviour and claimed they had "tons of girls in their inbox". Yet clearly this isn't the case given they are harassing any women who posts a picture.
Ultimately given the lack of effort and the desperation of these people I think all they need is the mere hope that someday one woman will respond positively.
After all these people tend to have very misogynistic views of women and so we to truly believe that subs like to be treated this way. They clearly write off the scores of women who are disgusted by their behaviour as "bitches" ect which only further suggests they are in some heavy denial.

[Da****]

4 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

Patience sadly is a dying art......not just in the kink scene but all walks of life.

I can't agree more...we(I use the general "we") as a society, and just in the U.S., but in the world of become an instantaneous gratification culture. The idea of delayed gratification or saving for something is all but gone... God forbid you need to take time to learn about a person..

[Pl****]

 

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For this to be such a common occurance, one has to assume this approach has worked for them somewhere, somehow. To a degree, this can be forgiven as it is often accepted by newer and less experienced subs.

Thirsty dudes still do all sorts of things that don't work (see: d*** pics). And just like d*** pics, the so-called "fake dom" stuff is a pretty good indicator that the guy doesn't have a clue. And like d*** pics, it will probably take a lot of effort and posts and memes from women to make that kind of behavior go away, because guys don't do it because it works. They do it because they don't understand that it doesn't. The fact that it hasn't worked isn't evidence for them, because nothing else has worked for them either. Lots of guys just don't have the kind of social understanding and education to know better, and they don't know where to get it. 

You're not wrong that the spam flood net is often a more effective strategy that drags down online interactions for everyone, but that's been an issue for 20 years and only led to the creation of Tinder-type apps where guys don't have the option to message until they've been specifically approved (and occasionally other imperfect options).

[Deleted Member]

You’re bang on. Any Dom who immediately tries to Dom me gets ignored. I’m a person before I’m a submissive, there are many decent doms out there though. I feel anyone who enters a conversation in that way is deeply uneducated about kink and the relationships within it, if someone can’t treat me with respect from the get go there’s no way I’m putting any trust in that person!

[Du****]

2 hours ago, Cheekysub247 said:

Alot of messages i get are from guys who want rough sex and think that because im sub im going to say yes instantly, they think this site is just for that. Others like you say start with a generic message you know they've sent to lots, and it does have "you will call me Sir in your reply" 😂 i dont call anyone Sir until we have agreed to start something that would lead to us meeting, and that meeting wouldnt take place until at least a month of getting to know each other. As im part of the furniture here now i dont get bombarded with 100s of messages a day anymore😂, but still have to wade through the mess in my inbox, i try to reply to most even if its a no thank you, others i just ignore if it looks like spam/bot.
Hopefully others take the time when they can to go through the messages to reply, my advice to people is make that first message interesting and show you have read the profile, that makes a big difference to me.

Yes! I get messages from men all the time starting with “Good day Mistress” or worse, “Hello Mommy”. Do they seriously think I’m going to allow that? Especially the Mommy thing, that’s a delicate negotiation and not a dynamic I would enter into lightly. The relationship does not exist until you’ve agreed it. And as you say, if they haven’t even read your profile, why would you waste your time? 👑

[Cheekysub247]

@DuchessFeuille God dont get me started on the male subs who constantly call me Mistress and ask to serve me, and dont understand i do not want to be worshipped like a godess ect blah blah blah 🤣🤣

[Deleted Member]

I agree the submissive has to be respected as a person, trust and respect build the foundation of a good sub/Dom relationship and communication about your needs and wants have to be agreed, to many watch porn etc and think that’s what it’s all about when it’s actually about a deeper connection and understanding!!

[ge****]

51 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

Yes! I get messages from men all the time starting with “Good day Mistress” or worse, “Hello Mommy”. Do they seriously think I’m going to allow that? Especially the Mommy thing, that’s a delicate negotiation and not a dynamic I would enter into lightly. The relationship does not exist until you’ve agreed it. And as you say, if they haven’t even read your profile, why would you waste your time? 👑

Men eh? What are we like? 🙄😂
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*removes tongue from cheek*
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You're spot on as usual though - trouble is I'm not sure there's a great deal can be done to change it other than ignoring the idiots who obviously don't "get" how sites like this work, and never will, the kind of behaviours you mention and as reflected in the OP have been happening since the dawn of the Internet and sadly I can't see that changing.
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So it falls to those that are the targets to deal with it as best they can, which in itself is completely wrong.

[Su****]

I usually find that the sweeping copy and paste type messages come from newer users now that I’ve been on here a while.

Understandably, they probably feel like a kid in a candy store, lots of beautiful people, submissive, ready and waiting to be ‘used and ***d’.

Whether it’s a waste of my time or not I generally try and explain why their approach is perhaps offensive or inappropriate.

I wouldn’t say I’m always thanked for my input though 🤣

[ey****]

6 hours ago, rowdyrussell said:

I agree 100 percent with both of you but it’s not just them men who are guilty of this . what happen to the art of munches and negotiations of contracts and vetting , and when did the bdsm community become a place of monastery compensation

Munches are still a very big thing

Contracts have rarely been a thing

*** compensation - kink/fetish 'for pay' massively pre-dates the community aspects.  But, even now is rarely the big issue people think.