The Traits of a Dominant

[CopperKnob]

"I'm inexperienced but no one's giving me a chance!"
Say's a whole bunch of 'new Dom's'

Fetch 🍿. I imagine this post will cause the most spectacular flame war.

Everytime I see a post by a Dtype indicating that stype's aren't giving them the time of day, that they're single and struggling to find someone on a dating app, all i'm seeing are the words 'i'm immature', 'i'm impatient'.

It doesn't matter what words you've written, between the lines are still those words.

On repeat.

It smacks of entitlement.

It stinks of a victim mindset.

And essentially it's because, all the individual has written is, 'woe be me' type statements.
There are no statements indicating what you've tried to help yourself.
There are no questions such as "what should I/could I do to correct it?"

These are not the traits of a Dominant.

This is not dominance.

You won’t be able to master others if you can’t master yourself.

To be the Dominant half of a dynamic, you must earn respect made from marine-grade carbon steel. You can't do that by being an adolescent. BDSM is a grownup pursuit, and if you’re driving a dynamic, you’re going to have to make sure your sub is happy, healthy, and keeps all 10 of their fingers and toes. D/s requires less selfishness, not more. It requires more self-mastery, not less.

BDSM is not a solution to immaturity. It’s a freedom to be reserved for an evolved and unselfish mind. Trying to build a dynamic with a sub before/without addressing, acknowledging or solving your personal failings is like building crutches from match sticks. You won't be walking anywhere.

As a Dominant, you’re creating needs in your sub that an ordinary vanilla relationship would never entail. It puts subs in various *** positions, so it requires you to feel out the most intricate corners of consent. It asks you to keep a tight lid on your riskiest desires. All in all, it asks you to be more, so you cannot choose it, because you’re less.

None of us need a partner who's perfect let alone a Dominant who knows it all. I’ll look past all your weaknesses. I’ll care for you through ill health. I'll clap back etc etc, but if you try to dominate me from a wounded place, you will fail and I don't believe I'm the only stype with this viewpoint. I look up to a man who is an adult with a tight hold over his ego. I will submit to him because I know he has the compassion and humility to hold me lightly. My deference only grows from a foundation of profound reverence. If I have a sense that there are issues around self control or feelings of being a victim in a Dom, I can't respect you and that means I can't be submissive. I don’t require you to know 67 knots or 76 different futomomo's. I only require you to be whole, real and willing to learn. Openly and honestly.

I have huge respect for the D-types who tell me that they can barely hold a flogger or bundle a rope. Who'll tell me how poorly equipped they are for BDSM, they’re only too aware of how few skills they have and are seeking ways to address that before entering a dynamic. These are people who are very aware as to how little they know. It takes strength and maturity to acknowledge that. It requires humility, vulnerability, selflessness, and self-awareness to voice and address that.

Those aren’t weaknesses to me.

They’re Dominant traits.

[Sp00k]

Well formulated. Just a remark, isn't it a good general recommendation for life as well? You can never really work out your own issues on the expenses of others, let alone minors. That's always weakness. And intelligent people will always see it as that.

[ey****]

it's a pet ***ve of mine - because it's a kinda entitlement that because someone has chosen they want to do something that someone should automatically give them a chance.

Naw.  Doesn't work like that.  Just like I can't walk into a bank and say I'm the manager now and can do a good job of running it if you just give me a chance.

the "just give me a chance" also shows they have a lack of initiative, else they'd be out there working on their own development and creating their own opportunities. 

[CopperKnob]

11 minutes ago, Sp00k said:

Well formulated. Just a remark, isn't it a good general recommendation for life as well? You can never really work out your own issues on the expenses of others, let alone minors. That's always weakness. And intelligent people will always see it as that.

Absolutely, ambition to do better or, ambition for anything is so important. Not just in the kink world.

[Go****]

The number one, tippety top reason I brat: to test how competent you are in your Dominance. I don't want a perfect human, they don't exist, but I do want a competent Dom, who can keep me safe.

[Firefox_]

This <3 I find nothing more unattractive then the begging "give me a chance" types. no lol

[ge****]

The "woe is me" type posts are not something that's restricted to dominants though, or even submissives, having spent many a year on a well known swinging site it's a common trait in those circles too.
.
What I find most interesting when those posts pop up is that the majority of the time those that cry "woe is me" never return to the thread, or if they do it's usually to argue why the well rounded advice and comment that follows is wrong and how wronged they are.
.
In God knows how many years of being around sites like this I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times someone has come back and said "You know what? You're right, I'm off to change my ways" - speaks volumes really

[CopperKnob]

7 minutes ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

The number one, tippety top reason I brat: to test how competent you are in your Dominance. I don't want a perfect human, they don't exist, but I do want a competent Dom, who can keep me safe.

Definitely. Are you going to deal with the brattiness calmly, out-brat me or absolutely loose your shit over it? There's a 66% chance of being right but you can bet your bottom dollar they'll choose the wrong option 99% of the time 🤦‍♀️

[CopperKnob]

4 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

The "woe is me" type posts are not something that's restricted to dominants though, or even submissives, having spent many a year on a well known swinging site it's a common trait in those circles too.
.
What I find most interesting when those posts pop up is that the majority of the time those that cry "woe is me" never return to the thread, or if they do it's usually to argue why the well rounded advice and comment that follows is wrong and how wronged they are.
.
In God knows how many years of being around sites like this I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times someone has come back and said "You know what? You're right, I'm off to change my ways" - speaks volumes really

You're right. In the year (?) Ive been here i think i've seen one such thread where the individual actually took the time to read, take action and respond positively to those that offered advice/constructive criticism etc.
Which suggests that the others are either
1. Cry babies
2. Attention seeking
Neither are Dominant traits IMO

[Go****]

3 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Definitely. Are you going to deal with the brattiness calmly, out-brat me or absolutely loose your shit over it? There's a 66% chance of being right but you can bet your bottom dollar they'll choose the wrong option 99% of the time 🤦‍♀️

Yes absolutely. Case in point, a few weeks ago, lost his shit at the tiniest hint of bratting. That's a NOPE from me. You ARE the weakest link, goodbye 👋 

[ge****]

7 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

You're right. In the year (?) Ive been here i think i've seen one such thread where the individual actually took the time to read, take action and respond positively to those that offered advice/constructive criticism etc.
Which suggests that the others are either
1. Cry babies
2. Attention seeking
Neither are Dominant traits IMO

Actually the other point I missed - 99/100 times it's the domain of men. Now I don't wish to drag this into (yet another) male bashing or men have it harder than women thread - but again it speaks volumes

[CopperKnob]

3 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Actually the other point I missed - 99/100 times it's the domain of men. Now I don't wish to drag this into (yet another) male bashing or men have it harder than women thread - but again it speaks volumes

Yeah, whilst I'd agree, a lot of my posts tend to go down that path. Let's try to avoid it here.

Though, I will say this...
I'm in a real wind up merchant mood tonight (and i've not had any sugar today) so any silliness in the comments will be matched by even more silliness 😉

[DeviantInside]

Wait a minute your traits of a dominant closely resemble the traits of a generally half decent human being!

[ge****]

2 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Yeah, whilst I'd agree, a lot of my posts tend to go down that path. Let's try to avoid it here.

Though, I will say this...
I'm in a real wind up merchant mood tonight (and i've not had any sugar today) so any silliness in the comments will be matched by even more silliness 😉

Me? Be silly? Neeeever!! 🤣😂

[CopperKnob]

1 minute ago, DeviantInside said:

Wait a minute your traits of a dominant closely resemble the traits of a generally half decent human being!

Oh Em Geee, you're right! Christ, what am I thinking???? Dominants are hooooman????
Backing away for some reflection time with 'Dear Diary'
😂😂

[CopperKnob]

1 minute ago, gemini_man said:

Me? Be silly? Neeeever!! 🤣😂

Well....😉

[mstsub]

I love seeing this sort of talk. Many who claim to be dominant don't care to actually learn about the world. As somebody with no real experience, I find myself often disappointed that I know much more about these roles than plenty of those who do experience it and have had to teach many, despite my not being dominant and not liking to be dominant.

[CopperKnob]

3 minutes ago, mstsub said:

I love seeing this sort of talk. Many who claim to be dominant don't care to actually learn about the world. As somebody with no real experience, I find myself often disappointed that I know much more about these roles than plenty of those who do experience it and have had to teach many, despite my not being dominant and not liking to be dominant.

Oooh, i'm trying to reply without gendering the response and I'm struggling 🤦‍♀️. Suffice to say, that there are those that will research, read, ask questions and well, those that don't

[ey****]

11 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Oooh, i'm trying to reply without gendering the response and I'm struggling 🤦‍♀️. Suffice to say, that there are those that will research, read, ask questions and well, those that don't

for balance... I have, over the years, come across female Dominants who think they can pick up a toy at a stall and it make them a Domme - and jesus, I weep sometimes.

the worst is there are some desperate subs who will still play with them - and then many of those who do and have, well, underwhelming experiences. 

[ManofMystery]

As I am new here I found this fascinating to read and quite enlightening.

Thank you.

[No****]

Damn! That was a “drop the 🎤” moment. Well said! 💯

[Sl****]

1000000000%

[Blacksmith]

Thank you so much for posting this, it’s so true and inspiring to see such good insight being let free to fly and run .

[LustAndLogic]

Well put. Being dominant doesn't mean being an asshole or a crybaby.
I am one of those so-called "new Doms" and always frank about my own lack of experience when it comes to BDSM. Yes, this does scare away many subs, since most of them are looking for an experienced partner. It's extremely frustrating at times but that's just how it is and there is also a good reason for it. I am not entitled to anything but I know that the right person will not care about my level of experience because they like me as the person I am and for the potential of development I have. And most importantly, she will understand that I do have a very clear idea of where I want to go and that I am willing to make all the necessary efforts to get there, which to me is the true essence of dominance.

[CopperKnob]

40 minutes ago, LustAndLogic said:

Well put. Being dominant doesn't mean being an asshole or a crybaby.
I am one of those so-called "new Doms" and always frank about my own lack of experience when it comes to BDSM. Yes, this does scare away many subs, since most of them are looking for an experienced partner. It's extremely frustrating at times but that's just how it is and there is also a good reason for it. I am not entitled to anything but I know that the right person will not care about my level of experience because they like me as the person I am and for the potential of development I have. And most importantly, she will understand that I do have a very clear idea of where I want to go and that I am willing to make all the necessary efforts to get there, which to me is the true essence of dominance.

Precisely