Kink and grief....

[Deleted Member]

I lost my hubby three years, ago and he told me when he, went he, wanted me to move on. Not forget him but to live again even meeting a new partner if it came to that. 

The trouble is I can't and damn I have tried.  I try to make it clear all I want us a D/s relationship with care and respect on both sides, and I am sick of people telling me it is time to move on, or I haven't met them yet. Or worst of all I understand  when they haven't lost their soul mate. I met one nice gentleman who really wanted to be part of my life  but my heart still belongs to my husband. I pulled away from him because I didn't feel I could offer him as much as he deserved. You can't let go of 33 years in a heartbeat. I have spoken to others here facing similar difficulties.

I have up kink when he needed me to look after him, and I really thought that now I could get into it more. 

It sounds horrible but maybe all I can cope with for now is a, service Dom. 

If your soul ate has passed and you have moved on how did you make that step? Or are you like me somehow stuck in your grief? 

Please no random  condolences. I just want advice on going forward from people with the same experience. 

Thank you

[TxFrank]

I recently lost my wife. The feelings of *** and loss flare up all the time. Moving on is such a misnomer. How can you move on from a love you still carry? For me, it's a better analogy to say I'm planting new flowers in my garden of love. The rose bush is still there and I still tend to it. But at the same time, I'm working on the wild orchids and lollies. Right now, nothing compares to my rose bush. But who knows what the future holds?

[Deleted Member]

Beautiful analogy, thank you for replying. I thi k the flare ups are the worst you just think you have it under control and it suddenly pops up, I know *** of those flare ups are a major block for me as it seems unfair on any new playmate. 

[Deleted Member]

I understand where your at. It will take time to find the right partner, don't rush it. I still haven't found a partner either, but my mind set is that it needs to be with the type of person. Dont give up and don't settle. I hope you ha e a great day
Gene

[Deleted Member]

Thank you. I can't give up it's too deep within me. 

I hope you find that srmtar in the Milky Way too, there are so many and only one is right. 

[Re****]

It's never easy. My 1st wife was killed in a car crash in 1986.it was 8 years before I could look at anybody else!
All I will say is when your time is right you will be able to move on. Until then it will be difficult to,especially if like me you get flashbacks in time.
Either way take care.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for that. I actually find griefs pockets and flashbacks worse now. Hubby died in ICU it was not a goid death. I want to believe that that is because my  brain is now ready to start to process everything. 

I hope you are starting to find those golden moments again. 

[ge****]

Oh Pheonix sorry you're going through this - the thing about grief though is there really is no timetable to it, or rules about when or how you should be "over it" or be ready to move on, and anyone that doesn't understand that obviously doesn't understand you or grief at all, and is not worthy of anything more than a moment's thought.
.
It's not even a case of you being "stuck" in your grief, like it's something you're deliberately clinging to. Grief is not something you can switch on and off at will, you can't control it and people need to understand that.
.
Having said all that, you still have needs and desires and it comes down to a question of balancing those against the grief - which sounds contradictory, but actually is totally understandable.
.
It doesn't have to come down to a "service Dom" necessarily, though that is one approach, but by being open and honest with people up front then perhaps something more can be found - a "friends with Domination" kind of thing - but that of course is reliant on the other person being open and honest about their intents too, and clear boundaries being made and adhered to.

[Deleted Member]

I like to hear "how people met their one". If it does not cause ***, would you mind in telling how you met your love. Short version please. Thank you.

[Deleted Member]

My hubby lol, at a club. He came to chat and I discovered one of his exes used  to live near me. She had died of leukemia and he hadn't known. So being a nice person I chatted with him a bit more. I dis o erd wd V both loved fishing and he didn t believe I had the rod I told him about, so I invited him home 'to see my tacle' lol. Four days later I wrote that I wanted to spend my life with him in my diary. We were married 32 glorious years and only had one  very silly row. Love truly exists and I was blessed to know it. 

[CopperKnob]

46 minutes ago, Pheonix2786 said:

My hubby lol, at a club. He came to chat and I discovered one of his exes used  to live near me. She had died of leukemia and he hadn't known. So being a nice person I chatted with him a bit more. I dis o erd wd V both loved fishing and he didn t believe I had the rod I told him about, so I invited him home 'to see my tacle' lol. Four days later I wrote that I wanted to spend my life with him in my diary. We were married 32 glorious years and only had one  very silly row. Love truly exists and I was blessed to know it. 

I love this account of how you met, something so simply which grew into a love story.
I have no experience of what you're going through and therefore no advice/suggestions. I can empathise and I hope in time you're able to find what you're looking for

[Deleted Member]

Very interesting his exes used to live near you. Wow... means, without knowing you passed each other. It's cute, you had to prove you had a fishing rod.😅 Writing in your diary, then rest was history. I do not know how it feels, but it must be a beautiful feeling to know you met the one. You have a very cute love story, and it brought a smile to me!😁❤

[Deleted Member]

A tualky his ex was the, *** of one of my old schoolmates. I knew her before she met him. 

[nu****]

A loss is something our modern society doesn't deal well with. I won't go into details of why, because that's not what you are looking for.

Being allowed to grieve properly is important. Crying is ok and does need to happen. Holding the grief inside is fairly unhealthy. It's a good idea to find someone, who will allow you to cry yourself out, be it a professional therapy or a grief support group or a close friend, who you can trust to share your feelings with. It has to go out, in order for you to fill yourself with Love again. This, what you are doing right now, right here is excellent and I would praise especially kiseu for allowing you to share one of the most beautiful memories of your husband you have. All this needs to transform into some form of a closure. You can't have a proper closure without understanding what you lost and how and why and most importantly, that it is ok. Death is a natural part of our lives, as we all will one day leave this planet. Processing it all takes a lot of time, though. That's why they say that time heals, but it is you, who needs to heal yourself here.

Another advice I have, coming from personal experience, is to watch the tv show After Life. It is exceptional in not sugarcoating grief and therefore allows for a great self reflection and a possible way out. It's on Netflix, as well as one more tv show dealing with grief called Dead To Me. Art is a good therapy.

I hope you will be able to recover soon ❤️

[Deleted Member]

Thank you  very much. My son has recommended Afterlife he said it helped him  lot. But I'm so scared that oncr the floodgates open...... 

I know it's coming though as unstoppable as the tide it is definitely coming. 

I work in elder care and see death  lot.  I think for me the struggle is that it was premature, yet I always knew, I would be a widow by the time I was 60 because he had health issues even though none of them pointed at a particularly early passing.  We didn't know he was terminally ill until about 2 weeks before his death. 

Edited May 20, 2022 by Deleted Member

[nu****]

45 minutes ago, Pheonix2786 said:

Thank you  very much. My son has recommended Afterlife he said it helped him  lot. But I'm so scared that oncr the floodgates open...... 

I know it's coming though as unstoppable as the tide it is definitely coming. 

I work in elder care and see death  lot.  I think for me the struggle is that it was premature, yet I always knew, I would be a widow by the time I was 60 because he had health issues even though none of them pointed at a particularly early passing.  We didn't know he was terminally ill until about 2 weeks before his death. 

The sooner you open the floodgates, the better for you. Trust me.

[Deleted Member]

You need to let it out.i did when i lost my still born son .

[Gb****]

Short and true is fix your problem with your feelings and then go towards someone bcz no one is willing to stay with u waiting u to stop from crying and you to expect he to give u love care etc and u to still cry after your husband and losing in the same time your parter time and feelings,u English people may will called this rude bcz u don t have other words in dictionary but is not it s straight to the point.So waiting untill u recover and then move on .

Bcz obviously i can t waiting after u when u can t to offer to me what me i offer to you that means love care called how you want.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Pheonix2786 said:

A tualky his ex was the, *** of one of my old schoolmates. I knew her before she met him. 

This is cute and wonderful. When you were young, you would think never think... hey, you are going to be the ex of my future husband.

These stories are always magical to me.

[ge****]

2 hours ago, Pheonix2786 said:

Thank you  very much. My son has recommended Afterlife he said it helped him  lot. But I'm so scared that oncr the floodgates open...... 

I know it's coming though as unstoppable as the tide it is definitely coming. 

I work in elder care and see death  lot.  I think for me the struggle is that it was premature, yet I always knew, I would be a widow by the time I was 60 because he had health issues even though none of them pointed at a particularly early passing.  We didn't know he was terminally ill until about 2 weeks before his death. 

After Life is a wonderfully heartwarming programme that tackles grief head on and would definitely recommend it to anyone - conversely to what you'd expect, it shows that it's OK to grieve, and to do so in your own way and time.

[Soleman1803]

Hi my wife passed 6 years ago and I have the same difficulties as you, where my heart can only go so far before I start to feel like I my hearts not really in it for the e long haul.
You're not alone xx

[RAMB]

My ex died almost 3 years go she never got into it but spanked me sometimes,she was a drunk and died in her own apartment because i let her go i didnt want to see her kill her self have been alone ever since i still miss her.

[Deleted Member]

I lost my husband of 30 years and it’s dammed hard
I didn’t want a LTR just someone to play
I found I became more of a masachist l found the *** cathartic and just released the feelings of guilt but then it comes back again
When you’re ready you’ll know - grief has no time scale
And you’re husband will always be there guiding you towards the right choices
If you ever want to get in touch I’m a message away xxx

[Deleted Member]

This is not so simple and black and white as its been X years now, time to move on is it?

Completely different scenario here but I had/have a particular circumstance where had always been very involved with my wider and extended family, and always went to everything and anything that was some sort of family get together without fail. That was until summer 2019 when I separated and ended my long-term 18 year relationship. I found myself grieving for a long period for the break up of my own family (have a 13 year old who was about 9 around then).

I suddenly found myself avoiding anything that meant being around other happy families, particularly my siblings who still have happy marriages. When the pandemic came along it was perfect in this regard as didn't even need to make excuses any longer. I have recently been making more effort, although I won't go to anything without my kid, its like we are a package its both of us or I won't go. I couldn't bear to be at a family gathering on my own and around lots of happy families.

So in a better place with it, but only half way with where I was before. The grief has reduced, but its still there and I don't feel I will ever get over the devastation of my own family being broken up. Family and family values are very important to me. I missing being part of my own little family. Christmas is always tough, and I avoid family at Christmas. I used to love Christmas and really get into it but I actually don't enjoy or look forward to it now, and only go through the motions where needed for my kids benefit. One Christmas my kid was with his mum, and I spent Christmas day on my own, and would not have had it any other way. I had options to spend it with other family, but it just wasn't happening. The impact and grief has changed lots of things, the way I look at things, and how I socialise now.

I don't ever feel others understand that, my own wider family specifically. Grief takes many forms and is different to all of us. You can grieve leaving a job, losing a loved one, or example I just gave with end of a family life. I think its up to the individual to own their own grief as they wish to.

Edited July 14, 2022 by Deleted Member
additional info added

[CopperKnob]

I think what's useful is for us to understand the following
- that there are numerous different types of grief
- that people experience grief in different ways
-that people have different coping mechanisms
- that the stages of grief are not linear
- that there are no timescales
- that when we're talking to others who are expressing their own grief we do so with compassion and empathy
- that we don't try and minimise other peoples feelings by providing exemplars as to how we've overcome very different situations