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Ghosters and Ghostees.

Ju****

By Ju****
in New to BDSM, Kink & Fetish?

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CopperKnob

CopperKnob

Posted
  14 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

Yep, it's the not knowing. Just tell me to fuck off and be done with it, or communicate. It's not that hard. None of the convo was about feels or anything like that.... I was repsonding to him saying about a date he was free (would try to get off) but he never opened the reply I gave. 

Oh well, time will bare all. 

Expand  

It comes down, I think, to the context of the relationship and as always setting boundaries. I was really clear over a period of months that if a message went unread but he'd been online, i'd start making up worst case scenarios in my head. I think its really not that hard to write a msg like, "i want to reply to you, i need to think about my response, can you give me x amount of time to do so" if the intention is to reply at all that way we all know where we stand, are demonstrating respect for the other person/people and i wont be going mad (or shutting my phone off completely at the point where they do decide to respond and talk things through 🤣)
Over a period of 3 days, if he planned on replying to you, he'd have done so by now, thats like 72hrs to type a msg taking 30seconds? Im sorry, he sounds like a 🍆 and im glad not too many feelings were involved.

PJ****

PJ****

Posted
I'd be inclined to say screw that guy (No not like that! 😏) there's very few excuses to ghosting people, it's just gosh darn rude! Unless he's laid up in hospital with amnesia.... Then he knows you've messaged and he's definitely ignoring you!
For what reason only he knows 🤷‍♂️ if it were me I'd just move on and forget him. I guess it's always a bit tricky if you're not a 'couple' or 'together' or whatever.. but as far as I'm concerned it's just common decency to at least acknowledge a message and just be frickin honest if you don't want to see someone again 🤷‍♂️ we all should have our big boy/girl pants on (apart from the littles... obvs 👶) and deal with it like adults.
Dont get me wrong, there's people ive had fwb with that sometimes i dont talk to for a week or two and we just get together to make a mess, every now and then😁 but replying to a message is easy and shouldn't really take 3 days 🤔.. I think anyway
Charms

Charms

Posted

I sometimes disappear from texting for a while or messaging freinds on here. But that's because I'm ill an I sometimes I'm just to ill to mesage people. 

The only person who I mesage is my master and that's sometimes just to say hi. But if iv not mesaged him in 24 hours he will come vist me as he knows I'm ill an comes to see if I need anything doing. 

I'm looking unlike people on here iv known master since I was 15 and been with him 4 years. He only lives 2 streets away since he downgraded to a flat from a house.

 

Its great we see each other when we want and if we don't want to we just say we're busy an see you soon. 

 

He does get invited out with me to family an freinds things

Lo****

Lo****

Posted
  2 hours ago, Emerald_Eyes said:

I was seeing a guy who was notorious for this. I knew of messages from girls on WhatsApp from 9 months ago that he hadn't opened. He had ADHD and would get overwhelmed and couldn't cope with talking to people at times. But if I messaged then he would answer. It was about choosing whether he wanted to speak to that person. Ghosting is about the intention and isn't as specific as blocking etc. He's consciously ignoring you and as far as I'm concerned, that's ghosting. However - it's not a very long period of time. Maybe he's got shit going on, maybe he's trying to work something out... in fairness it's only a few days. I'd say maybe leave it a few more days and not message. Maybe keep an open mind and then set yourself a certain day where for you it would be enough time and then it's time for a blunt and honest message without being rude.
Dunno... there's no right or wrong answer in how to deal with this, it's a subjective topic and we all have different limits. I'd just recommend an open mind but having clear boundaries at the same time. You don't wanna have the *** taken out of you but you also don't wanna lose out on something potentially great if there's a genuine reason for him needing space.
Good Luck whatever happens - I hope you get the outcome you deserve 💜

Expand  

I have ADHD and, yes, I get overwhelmed sometimes. However, if I like someone, I’ll contact them. Having ADHD isn’t a get out clause for ghosting.

I think the same rules apply as for other people in this: if someone likes you they’ll contact you. If they’re confusing you, that should tell you everything.

Ch****

Ch****

Posted
I have been ghosted in multiple occasions even after exchanging multiple messages. I am thinking to delete my profile honestly...
Ar****

Ar****

Posted

I don't believe that I've ever ghosted anybody, and certainly hope that nobody has ever felt ghosted by me. If I've been talking to somebody and realised there isn't as much commonality as I thought or if I've discovered they're actually a bigoted racist (yes, that has happened) I've wound down conversations and made less effort to communicate than I previously did, but I've never purposefully ignored any message which required an answer nor ever left any contact unopened - so if I have missed something and somebody was expecting a reply but didn't get one, I'd certainly not ignore them if they followed up with a "just checking in, how are things?" or such. I feel it important to note here that there are also many people in my life (platonic and otherwise) who probably feel I make little or no effort with them, but whom I still care about a lot. In those circumstances the waning contact has far more to do with my health issues and general being busy or forgetful than because I'm weaning them off me.

What it is seems to be a little unclear. Depending on where you look for a definition and what circles you move in, it can apply to anybody or it applies only to people you are involved in a relationship (of whatever sort) with. What can be agreed is that it involves the sudden and unforeseen cessation of all contact without provision of any reasonable explanation.

Have I been ghosted? Absolutely. More casual online dialogues than I can recall, oft intimate. The sub/slave in mainland Europe I spent a couple of months training 5 nights a week over the internet and with whom I'd started making loose plans to meet on a theatre trip, whom I always encouraged to take a reduced training schedule and focus more on her work studies but who kept on insisting we had as much fun as we did... until I woke up to a message saying her training was interfering with those work studies too much (🤦‍♂️) so we had to stop. She sounded really regretful too. Perhaps that isn't ghosting in the strictest sense, maybe it is just "deleting and blocking" since I did at least get some measure of explanation, it always felt unsatisfactorily frustrating and ghost-like though as (knowing how tired she'd become at work) I'd been trying to shorten the sessions for a while or suggested missing some nights - why not try that rather than cut me out completely? There was the little in America I'd been having online relations with for months and who was (allegedly) seriously looking to move to the UK to be near me; on this particular morning in question I woke to a series of messages where she sounded terrified and alone saying she had nowhere to go to - by the time I read them her presence appeared to have vanished from all media platforms.

What about "real world"? There was the girl who I was talking to for about nine months on here and other places before we finally met, happy just to hang out as friends, we had talked/shared LOADS (messaging every day for most of those months) and agreed we could depend on each other no matter what... we had a seemingly very nice afternoon on the park laughing, joking, smiling, even as I walked her back to be picked up she enthusiastically asked about my family. We hugged before parting ways, and not a quarter of an hour later I was blocked on every platform, no message or explanation. For somebody I was more intimate with, there was my most recent girlfriend (almost two years ago now). We got together as COVID was first kicking off, had five or six great months. My son was staying at mine for one full week in every two while the schools were closed, and she would come and stay at mine/live with me for the other weeks (I stayed at hers two or three times in the early days but she didn't like it much there and felt safer/happier at mine). She even wanted kids and actually put the idea in my head that I would have some more again one day, with her... we made long-term plans, scheduled holidays, she was so looking forward to being stepmum to my son and helping give him some stability, she kept looking at accommodation in Preston so she could move closer to us but would look at it with me with a view to me moving in there with her further down the line and wanting a big enough place for us all, so on and so forth. One day she didn't reply to or open my message. Or another the day after, but she wasn't showing as online either. By the fourth day I could barely eat I was so anxious with worry about her. I tried her K1k - undelivered. I text her via regular SMS - no reply. I think I even tried her SC which we had never used - also undelivered. And the most worrying thing, although still friends on the platform she wasn't going online on her PS4 either, which is what she usually did if she needed to time out and escape the world for a little while (but never more than a day). I got so desperate I even ended up RINGING her phone number in case she was in hospital or something, and it just rang out. After the worst week of my life in memory I popped on here to check if I had any messages for my birthday and accidentally spotted her. She had appeared randomly near the very top of my news feed, or rather a new profile had. Active six days, apparently single, looking for kinky fun, and having sent over 300 messages to other guys in those days whilst I had been worried sick about her. Like, I wouldn't have minded her breaking up with me, people have that right, but putting me through that hell and leaving me to find out that way.... that was hard, I'll never understand that. And so that's how my 40th birthday came to be marked 😂 I should add that some people might not consider the experience ghosting, as eventually I did manage to make contact and salvage a tenuous friendship with her, but to this day she has still refused to tell me what went on or why she did what she did, and I sure as hell felt ghosted in the interim. There have been other experiences too, but I've already waffled for too long and no experience would ever compare with that last one. I hope there is something there you find helpful.

As for your recent situation.... I don't think I'm able to add much that hasn't already been said, especially by ***ps such as Lady Char and CK. It's poor behaviour on his part, period, and slightly weird that he is avoiding contact but leaving the door ajar by not blocking you (but that's one way dickheads try to convince themselves and us that they aren't dickheads). He might have an excuse and I wouldn't be surprised if you hear it at some point, I'm expecting it to be thoroughly lame though. I really wish people could be more upfront. You deserve better. Tw*t.

Deleted Member

Posted
I am very sorry it happened to you.❤ I only ghosted jerks. This is how I see it for me... me only. If a "potiential " guy ghosts me, then he does not care, and is not reliable. I do not know how he is to others, but this is how I see it towards me. It only takes less than a minute to write "busy", or "not feeling good, later". I would be disappointed and sad, but happy this kind of person is out of my life. There is a chance he might contact you. This happened, but never took them back!

Deleted Member

Posted

I know how you feel all to well Jen and you know me and problems and I have stated it on my profile I have a few that are ghosting me and a few that blocked me for trying to help and you know that story.  what's app and here and what's app shows you they got the messages but not opened them .It has taken time for me to realise that if they can not talk to me about any problems or difficulties then so be it I will cut the wraps and they can leave the dock I am the person I am if they do not accepted that then so be it .know that's not to say it don't hurt cause it sure as hell dose as I though that they were friends but hey I have learned and taken the knives out o of my back ,reason why I will not let anyone in again other that the ones I have and as for getting back into the lifestyle well that is still under review .... Only thing keeping me here is the support of my unit\friends and even Daytona no longer here but tazz ,rocket ,prof are and they are what keeps me going .least.my bikes don't to the crap to.me that has been done by ones inhere

Ju****

Ju****

Posted
  • Author
  14 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

I don't believe that I've ever ghosted anybody, and certainly hope that nobody has ever felt ghosted by me. If I've been talking to somebody and realised there isn't as much commonality as I thought or if I've discovered they're actually a bigoted racist (yes, that has happened) I've wound down conversations and made less effort to communicate than I previously did, but I've never purposefully ignored any message which required an answer nor ever left any contact unopened - so if I have missed something and somebody was expecting a reply but didn't get one, I'd certainly not ignore them if they followed up with a "just checking in, how are things?" or such. I feel it important to note here that there are also many people in my life (platonic and otherwise) who probably feel I make little or no effort with them, but whom I still care about a lot. In those circumstances the waning contact has far more to do with my health issues and general being busy or forgetful than because I'm weaning them off me.

What it is seems to be a little unclear. Depending on where you look for a definition and what circles you move in, it can apply to anybody or it applies only to people you are involved in a relationship (of whatever sort) with. What can be agreed is that it involves the sudden and unforeseen cessation of all contact without provision of any reasonable explanation.

Have I been ghosted? Absolutely. More casual online dialogues than I can recall, oft intimate. The sub/slave in mainland Europe I spent a couple of months training 5 nights a week over the internet and with whom I'd started making loose plans to meet on a theatre trip, whom I always encouraged to take a reduced training schedule and focus more on her work studies but who kept on insisting we had as much fun as we did... until I woke up to a message saying her training was interfering with those work studies too much (🤦‍♂️) so we had to stop. She sounded really regretful too. Perhaps that isn't ghosting in the strictest sense, maybe it is just "deleting and blocking" since I did at least get some measure of explanation, it always felt unsatisfactorily frustrating and ghost-like though as (knowing how tired she'd become at work) I'd been trying to shorten the sessions for a while or suggested missing some nights - why not try that rather than cut me out completely? There was the little in America I'd been having online relations with for months and who was (allegedly) seriously looking to move to the UK to be near me; on this particular morning in question I woke to a series of messages where she sounded terrified and alone saying she had nowhere to go to - by the time I read them her presence appeared to have vanished from all media platforms.

What about "real world"? There was the girl who I was talking to for about nine months on here and other places before we finally met, happy just to hang out as friends, we had talked/shared LOADS (messaging every day for most of those months) and agreed we could depend on each other no matter what... we had a seemingly very nice afternoon on the park laughing, joking, smiling, even as I walked her back to be picked up she enthusiastically asked about my family. We hugged before parting ways, and not a quarter of an hour later I was blocked on every platform, no message or explanation. For somebody I was more intimate with, there was my most recent girlfriend (almost two years ago now). We got together as COVID was first kicking off, had five or six great months. My son was staying at mine for one full week in every two while the schools were closed, and she would come and stay at mine/live with me for the other weeks (I stayed at hers two or three times in the early days but she didn't like it much there and felt safer/happier at mine). She even wanted kids and actually put the idea in my head that I would have some more again one day, with her... we made long-term plans, scheduled holidays, she was so looking forward to being stepmum to my son and helping give him some stability, she kept looking at accommodation in Preston so she could move closer to us but would look at it with me with a view to me moving in there with her further down the line and wanting a big enough place for us all, so on and so forth. One day she didn't reply to or open my message. Or another the day after, but she wasn't showing as online either. By the fourth day I could barely eat I was so anxious with worry about her. I tried her K1k - undelivered. I text her via regular SMS - no reply. I think I even tried her SC which we had never used - also undelivered. And the most worrying thing, although still friends on the platform she wasn't going online on her PS4 either, which is what she usually did if she needed to time out and escape the world for a little while (but never more than a day). I got so desperate I even ended up RINGING her phone number in case she was in hospital or something, and it just rang out. After the worst week of my life in memory I popped on here to check if I had any messages for my birthday and accidentally spotted her. She had appeared randomly near the very top of my news feed, or rather a new profile had. Active six days, apparently single, looking for kinky fun, and having sent over 300 messages to other guys in those days whilst I had been worried sick about her. Like, I wouldn't have minded her breaking up with me, people have that right, but putting me through that hell and leaving me to find out that way.... that was hard, I'll never understand that. And so that's how my 40th birthday came to be marked 😂 I should add that some people might not consider the experience ghosting, as eventually I did manage to make contact and salvage a tenuous friendship with her, but to this day she has still refused to tell me what went on or why she did what she did, and I sure as hell felt ghosted in the interim. There have been other experiences too, but I've already waffled for too long and no experience would ever compare with that last one. I hope there is something there you find helpful.

As for your recent situation.... I don't think I'm able to add much that hasn't already been said, especially by ***ps such as Lady Char and CK. It's poor behaviour on his part, period, and slightly weird that he is avoiding contact but leaving the door ajar by not blocking you (but that's one way dickheads try to convince themselves and us that they aren't dickheads). He might have an excuse and I wouldn't be surprised if you hear it at some point, I'm expecting it to be thoroughly lame though. I really wish people could be more upfront. You deserve better. Tw*t.

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Oh dear God, I am so sorry you went through this!

What a horrific read! That woman sounds unstable. :( I think you hit the nail on the head though... It's the worry for the other person, to then find out they're active and okay, that hurts. 

 

For this situation, he approached me at a bar. Was so wonderful. Flirty, teasing and intimate. The first kiss and exchanging numbers, he was completely swooning over me to my best mate about wanting to be good enough for me and all sorts. Kept in touch met me the next day, bought me drinks. I told him about poly he was okay with this, walked me to my train so I was safe, kisses and hugs. Straight up sending me voice notes, pics and videos of himself, his evening, his family! I met his friends, he met mine and my kids. He came to stay here, bonded so well with my son and we shared icecream and I cooked... He was a perfect gent, looke after me so well. 

Next day when he went home he was a bit distant but apologised due to his work load. He told me all about where he worked, about his colleagues, showed me stuff, things about his life and family, routine, invited me over to stay. Got to know me and mine. Bought me dinner and made me so comfy and safe. 

We had a couple wonderful sexy nights in that time too! We were very compatible sexually and he was surprisingly kinky. But then that's when the signs started to go a bit iffy with his attention and interest. Sat playing video games while I was watching Tv, or siting beside me rather than with me... I asked about this and he said yeh I want to see you, see how it goes, happy to hang out. Talked to me about some personal stuff and listened to mine. I opened up bigtime. Walked me into town, told me I'm welcome any time and kisses and hugs before parting and made sure I had a good evening and let him know I got home okay.... He replied to that one... Left it open to him seeing when he's free again... dinner suggestions for next time... and then... nothing. Hasn't opened a thing from me. I sent one text Sat, one on Sunday, one today (asking if I have done something wrong and if all was okay and if he didn't want to see me to let me know). But again... active on Whatsapp... and nothing. Not even opened it. Flat out ignored it. We got on great. No one was over stepping or over bearing. No one was uncomfy. We learned a lot and grew so close.... To just nothing. He has not blocked me. Which I find odd. I thought that was a first ballsy cop out move for someone who wants to dodge you. But no, hes there and visible. He and I regular the same pub and everything. It makes no damn sense. But he's alive. 

It hurt. It was the first person I have allowed near me in 2yrs. Who I felt comfy and safe with. My type, in every sense. No warning for this at all. I find it so bizarre how much he let me in to every aspect to just go cold. And still leave me able to reach out. I am expecting him to contact me, or block me. If he does neither and just leaves it un read. I honestly don't know what to make of it. 

Maybe he will surprise me. But... I won't chase him. I won't cry over him. I am hurt to an extent, but more so confused. I don't undertsand people.

Sorry for the massive ramble. But reading this, if anyone can spot anything that could be a trigger for it?! Please do let me know. But if not I'll assume he's just an ass and I know I can do better but it will be a big learning curve for me, letting people close again. 

li****

li****

Posted
(edited)

What a jerk!!!! Pure and simple he could at least say he's not interested anymore but it happens unfortunately. It's happened to me plenty of times with so called Doms on here for one thing.....and yes I've ghosted myself but as @kiseu also says it's only douchcanoes that I've done that to. 

 

I think if he's not seen or read in the next couple of days I'd just leave it babe, he's not worth worrying over if he can't just send a simple What's app even thou he's been online ( one of my pet hates that is ) you my dear and you know this that if I was single I'd be all over you and more lol 😍😍 

 

Edited by lil-monster
Gr****

Gr****

Posted
  7 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

How many people here have ghosted? 

How many have been ghosted?

What is it? How do you know? Why do you do it?

What's your experience?

Expand  

I can think of three  times when I genuinely ghosted someone:

  1. I completely forgot about the coffee date. As in, for months after the fact it didn't occur to me. When I realized what I'd done, I reached out and apologized, but quite deservedly the conversation stopped there.
     
  2. I told a problematic person that we could talk again in seven years, but that I needed some space. As far as I can tell, they set a calendar alert on their phone and posted a comment on one of my photos on an adult site exactly seven years later. I had completely forgotten about it because they were so far out of my life, and only about a week later caught up to it. I posted a "Thanks" and, again, never heard back. I don't feel particularly guilty about that one because that person had been acting up a lot.
     
  3. Another problem-player, this person was using the local kink community to keep themselves in a manic state because they so hated the depressive one, and their treatment of individuals was appropriately unpleasant: we were tools to this person, medicine, but not people and they often seemed surprised when reminded that they were dealing with humans like themself.   After a hiatus from the community, this person pops into my DMs asking to go to dinner. I ask, "Why?" and they give a "brand new me" spiel. I replied that I'd think about it and get back to them. Thankfully, I didn't put an estimate on when I'd get back to them and misremembered it as just saying "No" until I found the conversation years later. Their account had been shut down. I can't even consider that one an oops, really: I wanted nothing to do with them, but wasn't at the point where I was giving clear "no"s.
     

The only other one I can think of wasn't exactly a ghosting as much as my refusal of a "round 2" vs. someone who was determined to have one. Our meet and greet was horrible, but for some stupid reason I said yes to a follow up. My best friend listened to talk about the "throwing acid in my face" vibe I'd gotten from the guy and explained to me that "this? this here? that's a RED FLAG, dear."

I'd brought a book to loan the scary person, so when I contacted them to cancel the follow-up I told them to keep the book. At first, they agreed. Then they changed their mind and decided they wanted to give it back anyway. I told him to give them book to someone else, donate it or something. Nope. They eventually tried to get a third person involved to get the book back to me (why?!?)  and, of course, that didn't pan out either because the person never had the book with them when we attended the same event, so ... meh. I eventually just bought a replacement and called it even.

So, as a ghoster: one oops, two "naaahs," and one "oh, hell naw." I have since gotten much better at just saying "Thanks, but I'm not feeling it" or just "No, I'm done with this" and cutting ties.

As a ghostee, the list is longer. Some memorable moments:

 

  1. I waited for a guy in a Starbucks who really wanted to meet, but claimed to be too shy to go to the free Wednesday Social at Seattle's Center for Sex Positive Culture. I got there, settled in, and let him know I'd arrived. He said that he was finishing up work and was heading out soon. 15 minutes after he should've arrived, I texted him again: things ran late at work, but he was coming. Great. Half an hour later, I text him again: no response. I pack up and leave.

    The next day, I get this super apologetic DM about how he got scared and bailed and didn't bother to tell me the and kept me waiting, but he'd be at Starbucks next Wednesday no matter what, whether I arrived or not. I replied that I was not making another special trip for him, and that if he wanted to meet me he'd better head to the CSPC social instead. That was over a decade ago. I've never met this joker. 
     
  2. I sent a guy the actual address to the restaurant I was at, and he never showed. He claimed to have gone there, but claimed I wasn't there. I pointed out that I was the only Black woman in the restaurant, so I wasn't hard to find. He kept insisting that I'd never showed. We never met, I didn't care, but from them on I decided to get a face picture of anyone I'd be meeting after that.
     
  3. A friend of mine from college and I got in an argument about him seeming to burden me with conflicts that he used to engage his estranged wife over. We came to a stalemate, but we still had a standing lunch date coming up. Not only did he not meet me for it after Ecstatic Dance, but he didn't bother to cancel it either. When he later tried to breeze back into my life about a season later with no attempt at a resolution, let alone an apology for ghosting me, I declined to take the bait. 
     
  4. Most recently a very earnest guy from this website, who was both younger than I was looking for and farther away, pleaded for a chance to meet. I was skeptical, but I figured that it wouldn't hurt to meet for a coffee date. I dressed a little nicer than usual, brought my phone charger, got to the coffee shop a little early, and started playing Pokémon Go while practicing subtle ways to look up to check to see if my person had walked in. I was originally just going to give him a 15 minute arrival - like for a TA in college - but a raid was starting it was closer to half an hour: no DM, no nothing. It's officially Spring in Seattle, but in the time it takes me to cross the street it starts snowing. By the time I get home, there's an effusively apologetic DM from him about truck troubles mentioning $4k bill, panic, etc.

    ...

    I wished him well.
     

Mollena Williams-Haas once talked about gameifying putting oneself out there by awarding oneself points to being brave enough to try, pulling together the energy to be bothered, presenting oneself attractively, and - in this case - even bothering to show up. So, hey - I earned points!

And that tea during this last ghosting was quite lovely.

So, as a ghoster, it was mostly short-term, pre-therapy relationships that had tanked severely and that I refused to follow-up on. Otherwise, forgetfulness or just changing my mind, if those count?

As a ghostee, my guest guesses are:

  • actual bad luck
  • a need for specific therapy with regards to intimate relationships
  • ghosting as a way to see what sort of poor behavior the other person will tolerate
  • ghosting as a way to gain sympathy for a financial scam
     

But I don't read minds, so I actually have no idea. I just concentrate on the points and the tea.

 

Ju****

Ju****

Posted
  • Author
  5 minutes ago, lil-monster said:

What a jerk!!!! Pure and simple he could at least say he's not interested anymore but it happens unfortunately. It's happened to me plenty of times with so called Doms on here for one thing.....and yes I've ghosted myself but as @kiseu also says it's only douchcanoes that I've done that to. 

 

I think if he's not seen or read in the next couple of days I'd just leave it babe, he's not worth worrying over if he can't just send a simple What's app even thou he's been online ( one of my pet hates that is ) you my dear and you know this that if I was single I'd be all over you and more lol 😍😍 

 

Expand  

Yeh, I will be leaving it entirely if there is no more developing. I won't wait about. It just irritates me. This communityhas taught me the importance and benefits of good communication, and I guess my expectations on that are exceeding most. 

Just very annoying that it was the perfect set up with the perfect guy, to go so wrong so fast. I won't message him again. It has been left in his court, as it was a food and fun kind of situation. Where it went so wrong to him prying for my approval and attention to this... Oh well :( 

 

Funny thing is I ended up joining tinder for a laugh. I matched with some random tattoo artist guy who turns out lives 4 streets away and he's asked me for a pint on friday ahha. He's not kinky and doesn't seem to be keen on poly but a new friend will probably come from that at the very least. I needed the distraction so tinder was my funny option because of it's rep. And it has made me laugh a lot tbf. 

I hope things turn out well, but if they don't nothing I can do about it. I just worry about the inevitable awkward bump into him at the bar that will happen one day.... 

 

And you My Lady, are always my dream. (P.s single or not L (your L) gave me permission for some smooches and by God, I'm coming for them <3 )

Deleted Member

Posted
I just hate being ghosted. At least tell me soemthing is ducked up or not interested. Whatever. This is way people have trust issues. Lol.

Deleted Member

Posted
  1 hour ago, Aranhis said:

I don't believe that I've ever ghosted anybody, and certainly hope that nobody has ever felt ghosted by me. If I've been talking to somebody and realised there isn't as much commonality as I thought or if I've discovered they're actually a bigoted racist (yes, that has happened) I've wound down conversations and made less effort to communicate than I previously did, but I've never purposefully ignored any message which required an answer nor ever left any contact unopened - so if I have missed something and somebody was expecting a reply but didn't get one, I'd certainly not ignore them if they followed up with a "just checking in, how are things?" or such. I feel it important to note here that there are also many people in my life (platonic and otherwise) who probably feel I make little or no effort with them, but whom I still care about a lot. In those circumstances the waning contact has far more to do with my health issues and general being busy or forgetful than because I'm weaning them off me.

What it is seems to be a little unclear. Depending on where you look for a definition and what circles you move in, it can apply to anybody or it applies only to people you are involved in a relationship (of whatever sort) with. What can be agreed is that it involves the sudden and unforeseen cessation of all contact without provision of any reasonable explanation.

Have I been ghosted? Absolutely. More casual online dialogues than I can recall, oft intimate. The sub/slave in mainland Europe I spent a couple of months training 5 nights a week over the internet and with whom I'd started making loose plans to meet on a theatre trip, whom I always encouraged to take a reduced training schedule and focus more on her work studies but who kept on insisting we had as much fun as we did... until I woke up to a message saying her training was interfering with those work studies too much (🤦‍♂️) so we had to stop. She sounded really regretful too. Perhaps that isn't ghosting in the strictest sense, maybe it is just "deleting and blocking" since I did at least get some measure of explanation, it always felt unsatisfactorily frustrating and ghost-like though as (knowing how tired she'd become at work) I'd been trying to shorten the sessions for a while or suggested missing some nights - why not try that rather than cut me out completely? There was the little in America I'd been having online relations with for months and who was (allegedly) seriously looking to move to the UK to be near me; on this particular morning in question I woke to a series of messages where she sounded terrified and alone saying she had nowhere to go to - by the time I read them her presence appeared to have vanished from all media platforms.

What about "real world"? There was the girl who I was talking to for about nine months on here and other places before we finally met, happy just to hang out as friends, we had talked/shared LOADS (messaging every day for most of those months) and agreed we could depend on each other no matter what... we had a seemingly very nice afternoon on the park laughing, joking, smiling, even as I walked her back to be picked up she enthusiastically asked about my family. We hugged before parting ways, and not a quarter of an hour later I was blocked on every platform, no message or explanation. For somebody I was more intimate with, there was my most recent girlfriend (almost two years ago now). We got together as COVID was first kicking off, had five or six great months. My son was staying at mine for one full week in every two while the schools were closed, and she would come and stay at mine/live with me for the other weeks (I stayed at hers two or three times in the early days but she didn't like it much there and felt safer/happier at mine). She even wanted kids and actually put the idea in my head that I would have some more again one day, with her... we made long-term plans, scheduled holidays, she was so looking forward to being stepmum to my son and helping give him some stability, she kept looking at accommodation in Preston so she could move closer to us but would look at it with me with a view to me moving in there with her further down the line and wanting a big enough place for us all, so on and so forth. One day she didn't reply to or open my message. Or another the day after, but she wasn't showing as online either. By the fourth day I could barely eat I was so anxious with worry about her. I tried her K1k - undelivered. I text her via regular SMS - no reply. I think I even tried her SC which we had never used - also undelivered. And the most worrying thing, although still friends on the platform she wasn't going online on her PS4 either, which is what she usually did if she needed to time out and escape the world for a little while (but never more than a day). I got so desperate I even ended up RINGING her phone number in case she was in hospital or something, and it just rang out. After the worst week of my life in memory I popped on here to check if I had any messages for my birthday and accidentally spotted her. She had appeared randomly near the very top of my news feed, or rather a new profile had. Active six days, apparently single, looking for kinky fun, and having sent over 300 messages to other guys in those days whilst I had been worried sick about her. Like, I wouldn't have minded her breaking up with me, people have that right, but putting me through that hell and leaving me to find out that way.... that was hard, I'll never understand that. And so that's how my 40th birthday came to be marked 😂 I should add that some people might not consider the experience ghosting, as eventually I did manage to make contact and salvage a tenuous friendship with her, but to this day she has still refused to tell me what went on or why she did what she did, and I sure as hell felt ghosted in the interim. There have been other experiences too, but I've already waffled for too long and no experience would ever compare with that last one. I hope there is something there you find helpful.

As for your recent situation.... I don't think I'm able to add much that hasn't already been said, especially by ***ps such as Lady Char and CK. It's poor behaviour on his part, period, and slightly weird that he is avoiding contact but leaving the door ajar by not blocking you (but that's one way dickheads try to convince themselves and us that they aren't dickheads). He might have an excuse and I wouldn't be surprised if you hear it at some point, I'm expecting it to be thoroughly lame though. I really wish people could be more upfront. You deserve better. Tw*t.

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I am REALLY, REALLY sorry you experienced this!❤❤  You really invested time and effort with them! This is more then 2 people. I thought mine was bad. Mine has been up to 3 weeks, and just getting to know them. My experiences looks like peanuts compared to you! If I experienced what you, Finally_Jen and others with longer time, or being "personal"... be ***ed, and REALLY REALLY hurt!! I guess with ghosting, people are disposables... a "thing", and on to the next. 

 

Ar****

Ar****

Posted
  2 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

Oh dear God, I am so sorry you went through this!

What a horrific read! That woman sounds unstable. :( I think you hit the nail on the head though... It's the worry for the other person, to then find out they're active and okay, that hurts. 

For this situation, he approached me at a bar. Was so wonderful. Flirty, teasing and intimate. The first kiss and exchanging numbers, he was completely swooning over me to my best mate about wanting to be good enough for me and all sorts. Kept in touch met me the next day, bought me drinks. I told him about poly he was okay with this, walked me to my train so I was safe, kisses and hugs. Straight up sending me voice notes, pics and videos of himself, his evening, his family! I met his friends, he met mine and my kids. He came to stay here, bonded so well with my son and we shared icecream and I cooked... He was a perfect gent, looke after me so well. 

Next day when he went home he was a bit distant but apologised due to his work load. He told me all about where he worked, about his colleagues, showed me stuff, things about his life and family, routine, invited me over to stay. Got to know me and mine. Bought me dinner and made me so comfy and safe. 

We had a couple wonderful sexy nights in that time too! We were very compatible sexually and he was surprisingly kinky. But then that's when the signs started to go a bit iffy with his attention and interest. Sat playing video games while I was watching Tv, or siting beside me rather than with me... I asked about this and he said yeh I want to see you, see how it goes, happy to hang out. Talked to me about some personal stuff and listened to mine. I opened up bigtime. Walked me into town, told me I'm welcome any time and kisses and hugs before parting and made sure I had a good evening and let him know I got home okay.... He replied to that one... Left it open to him seeing when he's free again... dinner suggestions for next time... and then... nothing. Hasn't opened a thing from me. I sent one text Sat, one on Sunday, one today (asking if I have done something wrong and if all was okay and if he didn't want to see me to let me know). But again... active on Whatsapp... and nothing. Not even opened it. Flat out ignored it. We got on great. No one was over stepping or over bearing. No one was uncomfy. We learned a lot and grew so close.... To just nothing. He has not blocked me. Which I find odd. I thought that was a first ballsy cop out move for someone who wants to dodge you. But no, hes there and visible. He and I regular the same pub and everything. It makes no damn sense. But he's alive. 

It hurt. It was the first person I have allowed near me in 2yrs. Who I felt comfy and safe with. My type, in every sense. No warning for this at all. I find it so bizarre how much he let me in to every aspect to just go cold. And still leave me able to reach out. I am expecting him to contact me, or block me. If he does neither and just leaves it un read. I honestly don't know what to make of it. 

Maybe he will surprise me. But... I won't chase him. I won't cry over him. I am hurt to an extent, but more so confused. I don't undertsand people.

Sorry for the massive ramble. But reading this, if anyone can spot anything that could be a trigger for it?! Please do let me know. But if not I'll assume he's just an ass and I know I can do better but it will be a big learning curve for me, letting people close again. 

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That's exactly it, the thoughtless hurting when you and I (and most people) are grownup enough to be able to take and accept the end of a relationship/dynamic maturely. Especially when they've connected with your family, your ***, it can be hard not to wonder what you did to deserve such malicious treatment.

His behaviour makes no sense and I hate that he's put you through this especially after you've opened up, you're one of my favourite people here Jen... I've got bags of love and respect for you, and he should have known better.

Everything you have written about how this has made you feel and what it has made you think makes perfect sense, they are completely reasonable thoughts and reactions. If I think of any potential trigger - other than him being an asshat who something you said/did didn't settle well with after he had taken proper time to process it but who was too much of a coward to face you over it - I will of course let you know, but in the meanwhile please don't apologise for rambling. Get it all out, it might be cathartic, bouncing some ideas around might bring inspiration, or you might simply find some supportive words from folk who care about you...

Deleted Member

Posted
ive been ghosted man times lol. its frustrating at the same time i ignore

Deleted Member

Posted

Happens to me a lot,sadly. I just hate it. Not even trying anymore. Screw people like that. They tjrow compliments and then dissapear or never even read or respond to a frickin message...

Mo****

Mo****

Posted
Ghosting is rotten craic and severely messes with people's mental health.

If you're going to engage with anyone, at least have the courtesy to tell them that it's not working for you and either what they've done to put you off, or if that isn't the case why you've changed your mind.

We all have lives and a delayed response is quite another thing, and totally understandable, but full on ghosting is an incredibly brutal dismissal of what is usually a very personal attempt to bond with someone, and can be incredibly damaging.
ey****

ey****

Posted

I've never - what you would say - deliberately ghosted anyone.  Nor do I intend to.

I have, however, had plenty of message conversations fizzle out, some where the last message was sent to me 

I have also meant to reply to someone and then something happened which sidetracked me and then, fuck, time passes

and I have also been in cases where I've gone to check up on a conversation and had a reply I hadn't realised I had

- and I'm sure I'm not the only person that has happened to or where someone has done this to me

Right now there is someone I'm chatting to and between her job and life she is a little slow to reply sometimes - this is not an issue for me, but some might have been "I messaged you a week ago and you've not replied therefore you are ghosting" which I don't agree with.

I sometimes think we can all (including myself) confuse someone being online and being "available" to chat/reply right now - I also think there is never ever any harm in nudging a message politely that seems to have gone unreplied or trying to put life into a convo that's gone stale yourself

---

Of course actual/genuine ghosting can sometimes happen and that can suck especially if you believe you were ok.  If you're getting 'read' to your nudges or whatever then there is gonna be a point you need to accept the other person is neither interested nor responding - though for me some of the worst ghosting is when someone goes out to meet them and the other person no shows while simultaneously deleting all their accounts 

-

I think some parts of modern communication can be hard.  I messaged someone the other day, got a little frustrated I was left on read.... but... she had been drinking and wanted to reply sober.   Someone else read, but wanted time to think over and, genuinely, as important as replying to me was - to them as well as me - their top priority was actually sorting something for their daughters birthday and wanted to sort that before coming back to my want for her attention.

Ju****

Ju****

Posted
  • Author
  20 minutes ago, Psyclist said:

Ghosting is rotten craic and severely messes with people's mental health.

If you're going to engage with anyone, at least have the courtesy to tell them that it's not working for you and either what they've done to put you off, or if that isn't the case why you've changed your mind.

We all have lives and a delayed response is quite another thing, and totally understandable, but full on ghosting is an incredibly brutal dismissal of what is usually a very personal attempt to bond with someone, and can be incredibly damaging.

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This is exactly it. I have major mental health issues, in the form of anxiety and self esteem and confidence issues. But being with him I did feel good and was smiling for quite a while there. For the first person I let in within 2yr close to me and my body, to do this. Annoying. I don't regret the experience or the physicals, I do not feel used. But it does make me wonder what is wrong with me that he went off me, or why he didn't feel he could communicate. It has damaged me. I won't lie.

I am back to being fiercely guarded with myself. I do not want to misjudge someone this badly again. But, I don't feel I can entirely blame myself due to no warnings whatsoever. But life goes on. <3

Ju****

Ju****

Posted
  • Author
  1 minute ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I've never - what you would say - deliberately ghosted anyone.  Nor do I intend to.

I have, however, had plenty of message conversations fizzle out, some where the last message was sent to me 

I have also meant to reply to someone and then something happened which sidetracked me and then, fuck, time passes

and I have also been in cases where I've gone to check up on a conversation and had a reply I hadn't realised I had

- and I'm sure I'm not the only person that has happened to or where someone has done this to me

Right now there is someone I'm chatting to and between her job and life she is a little slow to reply sometimes - this is not an issue for me, but some might have been "I messaged you a week ago and you've not replied therefore you are ghosting" which I don't agree with.

I sometimes think we can all (including myself) confuse someone being online and being "available" to chat/reply right now - I also think there is never ever any harm in nudging a message politely that seems to have gone unreplied or trying to put life into a convo that's gone stale yourself

---

Of course actual/genuine ghosting can sometimes happen and that can suck especially if you believe you were ok.  If you're getting 'read' to your nudges or whatever then there is gonna be a point you need to accept the other person is neither interested nor responding - though for me some of the worst ghosting is when someone goes out to meet them and the other person no shows while simultaneously deleting all their accounts 

-

I think some parts of modern communication can be hard.  I messaged someone the other day, got a little frustrated I was left on read.... but... she had been drinking and wanted to reply sober.   Someone else read, but wanted time to think over and, genuinely, as important as replying to me was - to them as well as me - their top priority was actually sorting something for their daughters birthday and wanted to sort that before coming back to my want for her attention.

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Thanks a lot of this makes sense. Sadly all of this was Real Life interactions from start to finish. No online meetings and profiles and all that. And we did discuss keeping in touch and he basically gave me his life and work routine and all sorts. I know what his availability is, when he's not and his spare time etc etc. So it definately isn't a case of me over thinking it at this stage. Of that I am certain. 

I find I am more guarded online to be honest, because I don't have that physial in person gut instinct and vibe. This time it all felt perfect. Perhaps that was the issue. Too good to be true. Maybe he got spooked. He did say once, at the beginning he finds it hard managing emotions. But he also knows my issues and knows the importance of an "I'm Ok", so I don't think theres an excuse now. 

But I am sticking to my word and giving it til Friday. Will be interesting in the inevitable future bumping into him at the pub.... lol

Ju****

Ju****

Posted
  • Author
  6 hours ago, Aranhis said:

That's exactly it, the thoughtless hurting when you and I (and most people) are grownup enough to be able to take and accept the end of a relationship/dynamic maturely. Especially when they've connected with your family, your ***, it can be hard not to wonder what you did to deserve such malicious treatment.

His behaviour makes no sense and I hate that he's put you through this especially after you've opened up, you're one of my favourite people here Jen... I've got bags of love and respect for you, and he should have known better.

Everything you have written about how this has made you feel and what it has made you think makes perfect sense, they are completely reasonable thoughts and reactions. If I think of any potential trigger - other than him being an asshat who something you said/did didn't settle well with after he had taken proper time to process it but who was too much of a coward to face you over it - I will of course let you know, but in the meanwhile please don't apologise for rambling. Get it all out, it might be cathartic, bouncing some ideas around might bring inspiration, or you might simply find some supportive words from folk who care about you...

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Lot of love and respect for you also. Thank you <3

Deleted Member

Posted
It's happened to me a few times, Jen. Chatting online, on going discussion, then nothing. Usually I leave it there, sometimes I call them out on it if I'm in a combative mood, but if they message me a month or more later, with the old, "Hey, how are you?" line, I politely decline.

That said, if I'm not feeling it with someone I'm chatting with, I bow out and let them know. If they continue to message me, I ignore it, simply because I have already declined.

Some times you meet someone and you just click. It's hard when they don't have the same standard of respect you do, and happily leave you hanging when they've decided they don't want to progress. Personally I think it's rude and dishonourable, but perhaps they'd put a more favourable spin on it.
There will always be men who are intimidated by strong, decisive women, who know what they want. If he is such a msn, I'm afraid he would pale against you. Xxx
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