Dating IS hard. For ALL genders

[Go****]

I'm so sorry Copper, I loved your original posts, and there are many comments I love here also, but I can feel my BP rising with every word as I go on, so I'm afraid I've not quite been able to stomach some of the later responses 🤯😂 

 

To some of the others with the viewpoint that 'men have it worse and rubbish messages are better than none' (I paraphrase)....

Would you rather get no messages, or get ones that say (in the first message, from someone local, in this instance):

'I'd love to kidnap you, tie you up and do what I want to you' (again I paraphrase, the actual message was more graphic)

Oh wait, you don't need to choose, because men have it worse, obvs 🙄

I know which I'd prefer, thanks.

[ey****]

  37 minutes ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

'I'd love to kidnap you, tie you up and do what I want to you' (again I paraphrase, the actual message was more graphic)

 

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you know what is worse?

there are men that actually *would* like to receive those messages.   (to be honest, a lot of the scams men fall for begin with the scammer being "I want you to be mine" in the first message) that there's a lot in there that excites them or makes them feel desired and so, of course, assume this is what women want

and this is what then gets worse again

if a straight guy got that sort of message from a guy - he might have the whole "eww - what the fuck is wrong with you?" response - but that being one routed in their own homophobia actually than "this isn't an appropriate way for strangers to reach out" kinda way. 

[ey****]

(incidentally - the person who did the "man acting like she thought women would appreciate" experiment also did another experiment with a fake male profile.   She'd made a list of anyone who had reached out to her with a graphic intro message - and messaged all of them as a male with similarly graphic messages to see how they responded... turns out they're happy to give but not receive) 

[Deleted Member]

💣💥😨

[CopperKnob]

  1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

(incidentally - the person who did the "man acting like she thought women would appreciate" experiment also did another experiment with a fake male profile.   She'd made a list of anyone who had reached out to her with a graphic intro message - and messaged all of them as a male with similarly graphic messages to see how they responded... turns out they're happy to give but not receive) 

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Surprise surprise!!

[CopperKnob]

  2 hours ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

I'm so sorry Copper, I loved your original posts, and there are many comments I love here also, but I can feel my BP rising with every word as I go on, so I'm afraid I've not quite been able to stomach some of the later responses 🤯😂 

 

To some of the others with the viewpoint that 'men have it worse and rubbish messages are better than none' (I paraphrase)....

Would you rather get no messages, or get ones that say (in the first message, from someone local, in this instance):

'I'd love to kidnap you, tie you up and do what I want to you' (again I paraphrase, the actual message was more graphic)

Oh wait, you don't need to choose, because men have it worse, obvs 🙄

I know which I'd prefer, thanks.

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And that's just it isn't it. We don't talk about the worst of the worst messages or the threats or the harrassment. We tend not to 'complain' in an open forum, we do it in an indirect way rather than explicit because look what happens, we get told men have it worse, that it's a sex site so thats what happens blah blah blah. Voices are quashed, emotions are minimised and *** culture once more gets swept under the carpet

[CopperKnob]

  14 hours ago, Aranhis said:

You have made yourself familiar with every analysis of online dating ever made/performed? Every single one? I'm not buying that, not least of all when I've seen direct evidence to the contrary. And I'm not sure that pointing out the difficulty anybody has in getting dates using fake profiles on a site like Tinder was the most convincing way to persuade people that men don't have things easier than women 😆🤦‍♂️

Again, another topic which I'm sure has only been discussed and dissected here as recently as this week, women generally aren't as fickle as men about build. They're (understandably) more concerned with matters of actual import. And lower class? Dismissing that is to dismiss a huge percentage of your potentials before you even begin (for example, 63% in the UK); unless they're a gold-digger or such nobody is going to be that daft. I see overweight, short, lower-class men who do damned well for themselves with the ladies (and the men, for that matter). Do you know how the ones who manage that do it? It's through being decent, reliable, human beings who have proven they have something to offer but who don't couple it to an entitlement complex. It's got naff all to do with how they look, the same as how so many tall/buff/flash guys aren't successful because their ego makes them plain horrible to be around.

The biggest flaw in your logic is in the claim that the poor interactions women receive (and it is good to see you acknowledge that they do actually exist) are still "one level" better than the no interactions most men get. Do you even hear yourself? A huge portion of these "poor interactions" are ***, plain and simple. *** is never better than no interaction. But more interestingly, if women have better experiences on these sites than men do, they have to be having these positive experiences with somebody else i.e. men, for the most part. There is a balance, even where sites have fewer women than men. I'm sure we can agree that an occasional ball of tumbleweed blowing through our inboxes is far preferable to the vile content other "men" often send to women.

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It’s quite misogynistic for men to assert than women should feel “grateful” for receiving messages that straddle the line between sexual harassment and vulgar flattery. That kind of attention doesn’t translate into real-life romantic fulfillment or love, or even basic respect. It’s nothing to be envious of.

[Go****]

 

  32 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Voices are quashed, emotions are minimised and *** culture once more gets swept under the carpet

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Yes, exactly the reason I won't post anything about my own experiences more than the messages I get. I don't need all of the work I've done, to be undone by having my experiences and emotions minimised or dismissed 🤷‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

I have a neighbor. She is 100% Greek, and red hair... she can get men!! Her boyfriend is bit taller than her, and cute only. This is what I see when they are together... he throws out trash, always waits, and open doors for her. I wonder what this means... hmmm.🤔

[Deleted Member]

Yes... I know alot of attractive people. Not my fault!!🤷‍♀️

[De****]

All I can say is that I agree with all of this, and frankly... I wish more people took the time to work on themselves and express themselves clearly, with energy, interest and manners.

[Greatdam]

Definitely been very difficult like almost 2 years that doesn't make sense to me I have learned so much

[Greatdam]

Absolutely agree I would rather have a great connection with great sex I don't even think about that meaningless sex has to be something

[to****]

Never truer words written or uttered, CopperKnob. As one with dual masters and a disability, I face a double whammy. Women don’t care for men with disabilities (in general, not all, ever), and I’m admittedly a little tougher to date because of expectations. I’m actually a very fun guy that does a dozen rock concerts a year while enjoying a good performance of Midsummer’s Night Dream…

[AtrocityExhibition]

I'm just kind of the wrong sort of man all over. I'm shy, and awkward, and often indecisive, and generally cautious, and lacking in confidence, and behave in strange ways because of my ADHD, and not that good looking, but also overly picky about what kind of woman I want to be with, am a dom despite exuding what others have described as "big bottom energy", and am too stolid and conservative to be interested in casual sex, all of which adds up to a big fat 0% success rate on the dating scene.

[ey****]

  1 minute ago, AtrocityExhibition said:

I'm just kind of the wrong sort of man all over. I'm shy, and awkward, and often indecisive, and generally cautious, and lacking in confidence, and behave in strange ways because of my ADHD, and not that good looking, but also overly picky about what kind of woman I want to be with, am a dom despite exuding what others have described as "big bottom energy", and am too stolid and conservative to be interested in casual sex, all of which adds up to a big fat 0% success rate on the dating scene.

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but all of that is stuff you can work on. 

[ge****]

  11 minutes ago, AtrocityExhibition said:

I'm just kind of the wrong sort of man all over. I'm shy, and awkward, and often indecisive, and generally cautious, and lacking in confidence, and behave in strange ways because of my ADHD, and not that good looking, but also overly picky about what kind of woman I want to be with, am a dom despite exuding what others have described as "big bottom energy", and am too stolid and conservative to be interested in casual sex, all of which adds up to a big fat 0% success rate on the dating scene.

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Not looking to belittle your situation - and I know ADHD will play it's part, but I can relate to many of the things you mention as "negatives" and yet in six years of using sites like this I have no complaints - it's as much about finding a formula that works for you as anything and as eyem says many of the things you cite are things you can either work on or work around.
.
If a specific way isn't working for you, look at what other ways you can approach sites like this to turn it in your favour - when I first tried using a well known swingers site I focused more on using the site than I did getting meets as I knew that blindly sending messages to random profiles was a fools errand - instead I got involved in the forums and built interactions from there and it worked for me. So you need to find what works for you.

[AtrocityExhibition]

  8 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

but all of that is stuff you can work on. 

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I'm more confident than I used to be, in a general sense. Standing for local government was a good experience.