Did I over react? Left after I was surprised with another sub on our first meeting.

[Ae****]

50 minutes ago, Creampie201 said:

Again, you all are basing your criticism without the "dom" present to represent himself. Blind judgment based off one person's testimony. There's no detailed analysis of what was exactly discussed nor agreed upon.

Again, lack of communication. This time, lack of evidence to support any valid claims.

Both parties are still to blame.

Yes, actually agree. Pretty reasonable stance. We don't know how the convo went and people can be innocently clumsy with communication. The dom should have been a lot better as a dom and carer who is largely responsible for ensuring surprises are happy ones. Maybe a mistep, maybe inexperienced. It happens, people are imperfect. But it's the kind of thing that can kill a possible relationship, when it happens, very understandably.

[Du****]

51 minutes ago, Creampie201 said:

Again, you all are basing your criticism without the "dom" present to represent himself. Blind judgment based off one person's testimony. There's no detailed analysis of what was exactly discussed nor agreed upon.

Again, lack of communication. This time, lack of evidence to support any valid claims.

Both parties are still to blame.

Keep going, Kid. You’re showing everyone exactly who you are. You know your comments appear on your profile, right? So any potential play-partners can see you victim-blaming and having no respect for consent? There are *never two sides to questions of consent*. Ever.
This community is here for kinksters to learn from. I recommend you do so.

[Cr****]

Guilty until proven innocent is what you people are agreeing upon. You all are so twisted and quick to protect the alleged "victim" it's actually insane. IMHO, you're ignorant of how a civilized society should conduct law.

Whichever way you look at it, though, they are still both to blame. Congratulations on derailing any sort of valid argument you had at defending "sweetness".

[Ma****]

3 hours ago, sweetness2022xx said:

Yes he was very apologetic immediately. I don’t believe his intentions were to cross boundaries.

Regardless they are a horrible Dom. Kink/BDSM relationships don’t exist without trust. Without that trust it’s just ***. The gift of power should never be taken lightly. Shame on them.

[EMandM]

1 hour ago, Creampie201 said:

Again, you all are basing your criticism without the "dom" present to represent himself. Blind judgment based off one person's testimony. There's no detailed analysis of what was exactly discussed nor agreed upon.

Again, lack of communication. This time, lack of evidence to support any valid claims.

Both parties are still to blame.

? Really? The "dom" as you put it had no right to try things the sub wasn't fully aware of and happy with. Being a Dom isn't an excuse to ***, we're actually there to give the sub what they want, as well as us. Your comment about lack of evidence is kinda weird, no one has to prove anything to ajy of us. If they want to ask a question they are perfectly within their right.

[ey****]

In scenarios like this - that even if the Dominant did not mean any harm and felt it would be a fun/surprise scene - the reaction to this sudden surprise is one that should be understood

at best; this seems like poor judgement from the Dominant.

I have only scan read some of the other comments - but...

let's be honest; any of you would be at least a little bit thrown if you'd been talking to someone for weeks and met up for play and suddenly someone else was present who you had no idea who was.

While we don't have the Dominants side of the story - I treat this as more scenario-based than any form of accusation where we have to find one person innocent and one guilty - and that, no, in the scenario as described it wasn't an overreaction. 

[Cr****]

32 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

Keep going, Kid. You’re showing everyone exactly who you are. You know your comments appear on your profile, right? So any potential play-partners can see you victim-blaming and having no respect for consent? There are *never two sides to questions of consent*. Ever.
This community is here for kinksters to learn from. I recommend you do so.

You think I'm ashamed of being one of the only sane person on this app? It'll weed out the subs that aren't worthy. Congratulations, you've played yourself.

Nowhere did I say I was against consent. You're putting words in my virtual mouth. Quite funny for a "Duchess" to behave as a jester.

This community needs to be taught common law. Or at the very least, listen to podcast on such matters. I recommend you do so.

[Cr****]

17 minutes ago, EMandM said:

? Really? The "dom" as you put it had no right to try things the sub wasn't fully aware of and happy with. Being a Dom isn't an excuse to ***, we're actually there to give the sub what they want, as well as us. Your comment about lack of evidence is kinda weird, no one has to prove anything to ajy of us. If they want to ask a question they are perfectly within their right.

"No one has to prove anything to any of us" is so damn baffling that I had to put my phone down and take a breather. It actually, physically made me cringe.

With that one statement, everything you say henceforth has now become irredeemable to logic.

[Seeknwifencucks]

I thought that this is why you negotiate everything before hand including medical issues triggers hard limits etc introducing an additional person without talking about in not just saying hey do you like girls isn’t right or maybe I was raised old school style in the lifestyle I was doing this since 18 I’m 51 now

[Co****]

Would you have hone through with your encounter if it had come up in conversation and he had been forthcoming about his ideas and intentions? I'm not experienced in this at all but it seems to me that in his mind, being an established and experienced Dom it simply didn't occur to him (probably BECAUSE it never came up) to think it would be an issue, seeing as it was your role to... well, submit... I imagine if you Dom in this context long enough you simply become desensitized to certain things, like asking permission from your sub for anything within the context of Dom/Sub role play. I'm not saying I'm right, because I'm not experienced in any of this yet, but it seems logical to conclude his thinking went along those lines. I hope someone chimes in on this because now I'm curious how close or far off I am.

[Di****]

Respectfull and successful D/S relationships are built on trust and respect. Both were ***d in this instance it appears. End of.

[Da****]

The only point that needs to b made is consent. A true Dom makes sure there is consent at all times and if u used the safeword and he complied then great but when you start a scene and you consent to one other person then bringing in another person needs to be consented BEFORE they even enter the room and that's even just to watch. That being said if he respected ur safeword then his only real flaw was not getting consent before they entered I don't think he is a bad Dom just inexperienced. You did not overreact tho either this is a learning experience for him now and hopefully you can forgive him because all Doms make mistakes and he may have thought it would be fun but he really didn't go about it the proper way.

[Du****]

1 hour ago, Creampie201 said:

You think I'm ashamed of being one of the only sane person on this app? It'll weed out the subs that aren't worthy. Congratulations, you've played yourself.

Nowhere did I say I was against consent. You're putting words in my virtual mouth. Quite funny for a "Duchess" to behave as a jester.

This community needs to be taught common law. Or at the very least, listen to podcast on such matters. I recommend you do so.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Lo****]

It seems to me Creampie is deliberately trying to push everyone’s buttons. I suggest we all ignore him.

[Deviant_Ric]

Not acceptable. Your response and feelings are completely valid and appropriate.

[ge****]

1 hour ago, CountVonVitiligo said:

Would you have hone through with your encounter if it had come up in conversation and he had been forthcoming about his ideas and intentions? I'm not experienced in this at all but it seems to me that in his mind, being an established and experienced Dom it simply didn't occur to him (probably BECAUSE it never came up) to think it would be an issue, seeing as it was your role to... well, submit... I imagine if you Dom in this context long enough you simply become desensitized to certain things, like asking permission from your sub for anything within the context of Dom/Sub role play. I'm not saying I'm right, because I'm not experienced in any of this yet, but it seems logical to conclude his thinking went along those lines. I hope someone chimes in on this because now I'm curious how close or far off I am.

While submitting to someone *can* mean handing them control over what happens - it doesn't automatically give them carte blanche to do as they please and ignore boundaries and limits or introduce things that have not been previously discussed and "clearly" consented to - so oversight or not, or whatever the reasons for thinking it was OK .
.
Based on what we have been told, and given he was, we are told, apologetic after the event, I have no reason to doubt what has been said either - the key here is consent, and *if* he didn't get clear consent to introducing a third party beforehand then - he was in the wrong plain and simple.

[Deleted Member]

I appreciate everyone’s input on the matter. As I stated earlier I don’t believe this was done with bad intentions. And it is a valid point to say we do not have both perspectives of this story, as the post was based solely on my feelings and perspective. I am holding myself accountable for my “blame” here. Could I have said something that gave him the impression I would love this “surprise”? It’s possible. Could I have misjudged the situation? 100%. Should there have been better communication? Most certainly. It is a lesson I learned on where my comfort level is with this particular situation. This post was to get honest opinions, not to blame or shame anyone. My issue was not with the surprise itself. I was more uncomfortable with the fact that it was never mentioned as a possibility that I might be blindfolded and someone else join without any acknowledgement that they were there until I peaked out of the bottom of my blindfold. It would have been different had this person been brought in while I could see and acknowledge they were there. There was no conversation about me being exposed without my knowledge to gauge my comfort level. Being the first time we are meeting, him having more experience and control, I believe it was a bad judgement call on his part to have me unknowingly participating without clear consent and communication to what was happening. It was omitted and that’s where I feel the trust was broken. And I do believe it was prearranged and I was the only participant unaware it was happening until after I was in it for who knows how long. I’m not saying this man is an evil manipulator. I’m simply inquiring how other would feel if they perceived things in the same manner as I did. I appreciate all of the constructive inputs on both sides, as it has helped me to think through the situation and my feelings. 💖

[ge****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

While we don't have the Dominants side of the story - I treat this as more scenario-based than any form of accusation where we have to find one person innocent and one guilty - and that, no, in the scenario as described it wasn't an overreaction. 

Precisely that eyem - a "scenario" not a court of law as some would have it.

.

A scenario" where opinions have been sought based on the information given, and have been provided as such - and the more I've thought about it, the *only* dominant's side of the story that would contradict what the OP has told us would be if the dominant called the OP a liar and said she had clearly consented to a third person being involved, which the OP very clearly says was not the case.

.

Either way it very clearly comes down to one of consent.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, DaddyDragon4 said:

The only point that needs to b made is consent. A true Dom makes sure there is consent at all times and if u used the safeword and he complied then great but when you start a scene and you consent to one other person then bringing in another person needs to be consented BEFORE they even enter the room and that's even just to watch. That being said if he respected ur safeword then his only real flaw was not getting consent before they entered I don't think he is a bad Dom just inexperienced. You did not overreact tho either this is a learning experience for him now and hopefully you can forgive him because all Doms make mistakes and he may have thought it would be fun but he really didn't go about it the proper way.

As soon as I was I comfortable and asked to be released from my restraints there was no hesitation. I appreciate the open feedback. Being new everything is a learning experience for me but it helps to have a community to reach out to those more experienced for guidance and feedback.

[jw****]

Casually hinting at something, and then springing it on you when you’re blindfolded is a TOTAL breach of trust. This is not okay. Your dom knew that person was there. You should have known that person was there. This should have been discussed, and choices allowed.

[Deleted Member]

I wrote a big long reply and it did not post. So let me try to reiterate my feelings, although it never comes out as well the second time. First I do not believe this was done with malice. I do not believe the Dom intended to break my trust. He remained patient and understanding through out my need to leave. And did apologize. I believe it was a misjudgment. I do believe it was done in a slick manner that was not upfront. Maybe he believed once I was there I would be less likely to say no. Which is the opposite, because had I had the chance to get comfortable with her the situation might have gone completely different. Yes this is a one sided perspective on the situation. But I am taking accountability for my missteps. Could I have said something misleading? It’s possible. Could I have misjudged the situation? Also possible. Should there have been better communication? 100%! However, as the one in control, with more experience and introducing another person into the situation, I believe he did not communicate well. The conversation should have gone deeper if this was his intentions. Up until this moment I was having an amazing time. I believe my issue was not with the surprise it self, but more so with the fact that I was blind folded and had no clue that I was being watch or that it was even an option on the table. Last night this had just happened and I was still trying to process my feelings and digest the situation. I reached out and truly so appreciate all of the constructive responses, on both sides. Being less experienced, having this feedback and different options does help me to sort through my thought clearer. Thanks everyone 💖

[De****]

Na experienced or not it's not ok to have someone else join without you being aware that they are coming it's just wrong

[Su****]

3 hours ago, CountVonVitiligo said:

Would you have hone through with your encounter if it had come up in conversation and he had been forthcoming about his ideas and intentions? I'm not experienced in this at all but it seems to me that in his mind, being an established and experienced Dom it simply didn't occur to him (probably BECAUSE it never came up) to think it would be an issue, seeing as it was your role to... well, submit... I imagine if you Dom in this context long enough you simply become desensitized to certain things, like asking permission from your sub for anything within the context of Dom/Sub role play. I'm not saying I'm right, because I'm not experienced in any of this yet, but it seems logical to conclude his thinking went along those lines. I hope someone chimes in on this because now I'm curious how close or far off I am.

I’m sorry but I think ur off here. Consent, consent, consent.
That’s what this comes down to.
The fact that he waited until she was blindfolded to admit the other sub into the play area shows that this was underhanded.

[Cr****]

3 hours ago, CountVonVitiligo said:

Would you have hone through with your encounter if it had come up in conversation and he had been forthcoming about his ideas and intentions? I'm not experienced in this at all but it seems to me that in his mind, being an established and experienced Dom it simply didn't occur to him (probably BECAUSE it never came up) to think it would be an issue, seeing as it was your role to... well, submit... I imagine if you Dom in this context long enough you simply become desensitized to certain things, like asking permission from your sub for anything within the context of Dom/Sub role play. I'm not saying I'm right, because I'm not experienced in any of this yet, but it seems logical to conclude his thinking went along those lines. I hope someone chimes in on this because now I'm curious how close or far off I am.

I like your perspective. For more valid than everyone raising pitchforks and sentencing the "dom" to hell.

Desensitization towards your subs does indeed occur when you take on a certain flavor for a long enough period of time. Unless "sweetness" was the one outlier in his bunch, the scenario would line up with what you presented.

Your insight is valid.

[gr****]

Yeah he should have been open about being Poly. So you did not overreact.