Mollys BDSM Tips

October 25, 2018

New to Fetish.com is my column ‘Molly’s BDSM Tips’. If you're fresh to the fetish scene and BDSM lifestyle and need some things explaining, or if you're an experienced player and would like some BDSM advice in general, twice a month I'll choose one question/problem to answer, to be published online as an article in the Fetish.com magazine.

To to submit your question, send me a private message detailing exactly what you’d like to know or need help with - your privacy will be respected and you can remain anonymous if you prefer. OR you can use this thread if you don't mind discussing your issue in public.

*Unfortunately, I cannot enter into personal correspondence that’s not related to the advice column.

October 27, 2018

I love these kind of articles because it encourages discussions and interactions between those with experience and those who are only just beginning their journeys and looking to seek the knowledge and advice that helps them take those first steps.

Maybe an ideal topic would be to accentuate the safe, sane and consensual concepts alongside the need for setting firm foundations within the individual...KNOWING yourself and the BDSM world around you is the most beneficial way forward. In a sense, learning to walk before you break into a marathon.

Looking forward to reading what this new forum brings about. Good luck Molly! 😊

October 27, 2018

I would like advice or discussion on the topic of "looking for an experienced Dom / Domme".

I understand why people would want that, and how there is a higher likelihood of safeness with such a person, but still- it can sound a bit like those joke job advertisements where they ask for 18 year olds with 20 years of experience.

Do experienced subs ever seek out newly fresh Doms / Dommes and guide them? Are there any tips for the inexperienced Dom / Domme in seeking out a sub?

Edited October 27, 2018 by Deleted Member

October 27, 2018

At least I can respond to you after clicking like to some commentary by mistake 😀. You want to know if experienced subs can teach a unexperimental Dom ..well ..to be a Dominant or a submisive can't be teached or learned...is in you or is not ...this can only be developed . If you keep the leash don't mean you are a Dom and also if you wear the collar don't mean you are a sub ...( Alot of womens wear collar now just like accesoriu ..and don't have a clue what that mean ) If experienced sub and inexperienced Dom are both in switch of power ...she can show him the path ..but hi will make his own way . Most people's like BDSM because is more intense then vanilla..because is cool ...but don't really understand D/s concept ...

October 27, 2018

4 minutes ago, Costi said:

At least I can respond to you after clicking like to some commentary by mistake 😀. You want to know if experienced subs can teach a unexperimental Dom ..well ..to be a Dominant or a submisive can't be teached or learned...is in you or is not ...this can only be developed . If you keep the leash don't mean you are a Dom and also if you wear the collar don't mean you are a sub ...( Alot of womens wear collar now just like accesoriu ..and don't have a clue what that mean ) If experienced sub and inexperienced Dom are both in switch of power ...she can show him the path ..but hi will make his own way . Most people's like BDSM because is more intense then vanilla..because is cool ...but don't really understand D/s concept ...

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"You want to know if experienced subs can teach a unexperimental Dom"

No, I wanted to know if experienced subs ever seek an inexperienced Dom out, because usually they specifically ask for Doms with experience and I found it ironic since you kind of have to start somewhere even if you are a Dom.

Besides, even if it is in you, you can still be a little wary or uncertain at first.

October 28, 2018

an experienced sub wouldn't seek an inexperienced Dominant - not unless they were trying to manipulate them

of course, it may be that an experienced sub ends up hitting it off with an inexperienced Dominant via other means and is willing to work with them.

October 28, 2018

17 hours ago, Jon215 said:

"You want to know if experienced subs can teach a unexperimental Dom"

No, I wanted to know if experienced subs ever seek an inexperienced Dom out, because usually they specifically ask for Doms with experience and I found it ironic since you kind of have to start somewhere even if you are a Dom.

Besides, even if it is in you, you can still be a little wary or uncertain at first.

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This is an interesting question and one I will try to tackle soon but the short answer is I am sure some people do but the key to finding the right dom/sub partnership is about finding the right person who fits you and yours kinks/desires and experience has much less to do with it.

Mollyx

October 28, 2018

17 hours ago, Costi said:

At least I can respond to you after clicking like to some commentary by mistake 😀. You want to know if experienced subs can teach a unexperimental Dom ..well ..to be a Dominant or a submisive can't be teached or learned...is in you or is not ...this can only be developed . If you keep the leash don't mean you are a Dom and also if you wear the collar don't mean you are a sub ...( Alot of womens wear collar now just like accesoriu ..and don't have a clue what that mean ) If experienced sub and inexperienced Dom are both in switch of power ...she can show him the path ..but hi will make his own way . Most people's like BDSM because is more intense then vanilla..because is cool ...but don't really understand D/s concept ...

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I fundamentally disagree with you about this. Ever person is learning all the time and anyone who claims they are not is dangerous. When I met my Dom I was most definitely the more experienced of the two of us what is important is that you learn each other together.

October 28, 2018

I think in general a question for many Dominants would be "how did they start?" - I've found when inexperienced Dominants wheel out something like "Everyone needs to start somewhere" there's a hint of entitlement to it, which is unhealthy. Almost an expectancy that "I say I am Dominant and even though I lack experience, some owes me a chance"

Subs can be the same.

I got experience because it was something that developed naturally in my relationship - neither of us were looking for a kinky relationship but so far down the line it got brought up - I then learnt from a mixture of channels including reading blogs, online videos - and - in person via munches and events - be it going to workshops or demos, listening to other people's stories and experiences, watching others play.

By becoming known and trusted this did lead to other forms of play with others which again boosted my skills and experience.

Obviously my story will differ from others.

But, whilst the experience paradox *is a thing* in the kink scene in particular there's very little excuse to not be gaining experience should you require it.

October 28, 2018

On 10/27/2018 at 4:30 PM, saphy said:

I love these kind of articles because it encourages discussions and interactions between those with experience and those who are only just beginning their journeys and looking to seek the knowledge and advice that helps them take those first steps.

Maybe an ideal topic would be to accentuate the safe, sane and consensual concepts alongside the need for setting firm foundations within the individual...KNOWING yourself and the BDSM world around you is the most beneficial way forward. In a sense, learning to walk before you break into a marathon.

Looking forward to reading what this new forum brings about. Good luck Molly! 😊

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Thank you. I am looking forward to tackling the subjects people are interested/curious about. So if you have a specific question let me know but I will definitely add something to my list about the importance of knowing yourself and your own boundaries

Mollyx

October 28, 2018

Ll@ Molly .. you make a confusion..one thing is to learn ..to develop you techniques and so...but I was speaking about natural instinct ..to dominate or to be dominated..this is indeed a person ant can't be teached...you can teach a Dom to be a sub wenn you can teach a horse to fly ...more chances for last one...of course a Dom or a sub can learn more about D/s ..but what you have insede you can't change

October 28, 2018

5 minutes ago, Costi said:

Ll@ Molly .. you make a confusion..one thing is to learn ..to develop you techniques and so...but I was speaking about natural instinct ..to dominate or to be dominated..this is indeed a person ant can't be teached...you can teach a Dom to be a sub wenn you can teach a horse to fly ...more chances for last one...of course a Dom or a sub can learn more about D/s ..but what you have insede you can't change

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I am not keen on the whole idea that people are naturally D or S. Many times people don't know what they are and discover their roles as they experience. I agree that some folks know and also are very limited in their expression of their kink but for many people it is a discovery that is fluid. To say you can't become D or S is not right. You absolutely can become those things as you learn what they mean for you

Mollyx

October 28, 2018

I also disagree widely with the "you are or you are not" - nobody is born with a whip in their hand

of course, many aspects in their life may have shaped them to where they are today - there's still a lot of elements and characteristics can be taught/learnt.

October 29, 2018

I know this is a generalising answer but every human is an individual despite conditioning by their environment to explain why someone is naturally dominant or passive is far too complex a subject.

Experts have spent years analysing human behavior and tried to strip it down to a few groups of behaviour but every person is an individual even genetic twins sharing similar dna can be vastly different in personality.

Many different reasons shape how we become who we are and what moves us to do the things we do intelligence..privilege..physicality...

So many different reasons

I'm the most basic humble person and my upbringing was a pleasant experience with loving parents

I have no idea why spanking interests me it just does!

Sorry to have rambled on!

October 29, 2018

but people aren't "naturally" anything. Pretty much everything about us is a condition of our environment and upbringing.

obviously this means that by adulthood - if aged 30 odd we decide that kink might be for us - we've probably still had more than half of our lives shaping us and that in turn can affect who we are now.

There can be other traits that are perhaps more to do with genetics - height, appearance - but even then our ideas of what a sub or Dom should *look* like is all from a construct anyway.

Of course, by the time you realise this (if you even acknowledge it) you've spent your whole life forged one direction or another.

But, you can go to classes for things like public speaking, assertiveness, people management, there are courses around studying personality or enhancing your personality.

So - like I say, someone isn't "naturally" anything - it's a shape of their upbringing, their surroundings, their culture - and more. Of course, this means it can be difficult to learn how to be "something" that goes against your construct - but that's not to say it can't be learned.

I think that perhaps - sometimes - another way someone can be "a better Dominant" or a better submissive or whatever can be through some of these courses outside of anything kink related.

October 29, 2018

I study personality theories and I know professionals in the field; yes, people can be "naturally" Dominant or Submissive (in the non-kink sense, but likely the kink as well- this hasn't been studied as much), although most are in-between. Personality and temperament can be observed at an early age and genetics play a part as much as upbringing, with the area where they overlap being an emergent field called epigenetics. Identical twins often DO have similar personalities- even if raised apart- and when they don't their personalities are sometimes precisely the opposite- as in, suspiciously opposite, rather than widely different (i.e. hot and cold rather than hot and trees).

Environment and upbringing obviously do play a part and shape the person as well, but we are not born blank slates and even though our personality changes over time it does so in an organic way- a seed to a flower rather than a sand to a sandcastle. People who believe that nurture trumps nature every time may in fact be naturally inclined towards adaptation and focusing on external experiences in the first place, so ones stance on the debate itself might well be a reflection of ones innate personality already as much as anything they have been taught to believe.

And ALL of this is WILDLY off topic so how about someone either makes a separate post for this or just ends it right now, m'kay? This post is for asking questions, not debating psychology.

October 29, 2018

Sorry I thought this was a psychology debate not just a place to play pat a cake on each others bottoms ...life is chaos and everyone is different go look outside ..different all the parameters are codswallop

Time for my meds...nie nie wibble

November 6, 2018

And my first article is up.....

I have quite a few questions in my queue now but don't let that put you off if you have something you want to ask me then go for it here or send me a message

Mollyx

November 7, 2018

I really cant answer if experienced subs go looking for inexperienced doms, I can only really answer for myself.

When I was new I went looking for experienced subs, I was honest with them that I knew zilch and asked would they teach me a few things. I also did this with experienced doms and also dom/sub couples. Maybe I was lucky but I met some wonderfully generous people who taught me a lot and pointed me in the right direction to research more for myself

November 29, 2018

Thought I had found such a good dom, how wrong was I 😑

January 11, 2019

So I am working on my next piece but after that I have a potential slot for a question in my schedule.... So if you have a question for me please do get in touch. I am happy to tackle pretty much any subject and you can remain anonymous if you wish.

Mollyx

January 26, 2019

Don't forget I am always open to your questions. You don't have to ask them here, you can send me a private message and you can remain anonymous if you wish

Mollyx

January 30, 2019

Hi Molly,

For a few years I was involved with a dominant woman who made me go to gay masseurs and tease them. The goal was to try and get them to become aggressive with me. If they did, I'd have to submit to them and return with photo and video proof of the encounter. She enjoyed putting me in those situations where I would have to orally service random men and often bottom for them. She would then humiliate me. After a while she stopped sending me, because she felt I was enjoying the sex with men too much. The relationship then fell apart. Did I poison the Dom/sub relationship by becoming too eager to please her?

February 16, 2019

I'm not sure that I would want to get a Dom that way. You run the risk of getting into something you don't want. They can be inflexible as to what you want. Be sure that the contract you enter into is strong on your behalf. Safe words and everything that is a hard no for you. There is a site with submissive training called SSC Academy. There is some really great information for the beginner as well as the experienced.

Edited February 16, 2019 by FETMOD-KF
removed external link

February 17, 2019

On 1/30/2019 at 2:49 PM, Alg1000 said:

Hi Molly,

For a few years I was involved with a dominant woman who made me go to gay masseurs and tease them. The goal was to try and get them to become aggressive with me. If they did, I'd have to submit to them and return with photo and video proof of the encounter. She enjoyed putting me in those situations where I would have to orally service random men and often bottom for them. She would then humiliate me. After a while she stopped sending me, because she felt I was enjoying the sex with men too much. The relationship then fell apart. Did I poison the Dom/sub relationship by becoming too eager to please her?

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Sorry I missed this..... Reply coming soon

Mollyx