Aftercare

[BigPolly]

The discussion of Aftercare should always be included & then the decision made from there.
Before I met my partner I hated any kind of aftercare being directed towards me, I’d prefer to play & leave to avoid any cuddles etc & then would deal with my own aftercare however I was always happy to provide aftercare for others. I wasn’t being used, it was my way of keeping an element of control plus I have an ND brain which means I hate being faffed with.
Things are different now, I allow (& love his) aftercare but it is such a personal choice that it isn’t a straightforward Yes/No answer

[li****]

I love aftercare it's a major part of my D/s relationship with my Sir. I never ever had or knew what aftercare was untill I met my now Dom. But again it depends on the dynamic and the people involved as some have said they don't deal well aftercare from others, they like to look after themselves. 

 

Also we must never forget that Doms and Dommes need aftercare too ( that's again if they want someone to care for them after ) I know I always check in on my Sir when he's back home as it's a long distance relationship ours is. I also have an aftercare/drop box for when I'm on my own after he's gone back home. Yes he'll give me aftercare right after our play etc but I'll still more than likely drop when he's gone so this can have things in there that you love or help build you up like a good blanket, candle, bath bomb, tea, something sweet like sweets or chocolate. 

 

Also a good plan I have too is if that my Sir is busy when he gets back ( yes he'll check on me when he can ) but I have a few friends I can go to also who I can chat to if I need that pick me up 

[He****]

It really should because no matter how intense the session was, each person should show appreciation for the opportunity by offering after care

[Ex****]

No they shouldn't. In bdsm yes but regular sex hell to the no. You are not my woman or my significant other so no you do no get that attention.

[33****]

37 minutes ago, Explorers215 said:

No they shouldn't. In bdsm yes but regular sex hell to the no. You are not my woman or my significant other so no you do no get that attention.

I agree.

[ge****]

1 hour ago, Explorers215 said:

No they shouldn't. In bdsm yes but regular sex hell to the no. You are not my woman or my significant other so no you do no get that attention.

I think you'll find Kaycie (the OP) was referring primarily to BDSM - however it's arguable that even with vanilla sex that a level of "aftercare" may be desirable - it might not be the same as with a kink session, and may amount to no more than spending a little time together afterwards, rather than dashing off as soon as you've cum, but it's still aftercare - anything else would be quite cold and clinical in my book, and would leave me feeling used.
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Now don't get me wrong, I get that for some BDSM or vanilla, nothing is needed - and cum and go might be preferred - and not saying it's wrong, just voicing my preference.
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Where it is wrong though is where it's been discussed up front and expectations set and agreed to, and it doesn't happen.

[Mo****]

In my opinion it’s not required unless stated prior and mutual agreement is understood.

[Ex****]

How can you say you think she was referring to when Her exact words was casual play. Aftercare is a major part of bdsm so why would she be speaking about that???? She Cleary said casual play lol

[Deleted Member]

Depends to what degree that casual play went to. If in anyway it pushed your boundaries than yes! After care is highly recommend. If it was semi Vanilla sex or vanilla sex it’s not a must, but it is recommended that you should at least check on your partner anyway, you don’t know what they are going through and what just normal sex might trigger.

[ki****]

After care is a must. No matter what type of play it is

[Deleted Member]

Absolutely, you do the deed, you provide the care. It’s that simple.

[ge****]

5 hours ago, Mohawkdude said:

In my opinion it’s not required unless stated prior and mutual agreement is understood.

Whilst I agree to an extent - I think there's a level of responsibility on both parts to check in, especially where BDSM is concerned, regardless of whether it's been discussed.
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Doesn't have to be anything over the top, more the kind of thing a friend would do to make sure a friend is OK - sometimes even though someone might think they don't want/need aftercare, it may actually be needed.

[Deleted Member]

Depends on the chemistry

[Deleted Member]

Yes

[Pe****]

19 hours ago, Explorers215 said:

No they shouldn't. In bdsm yes but regular sex hell to the no. You are not my woman or my significant other so no you do no get that attention.

I’m talking about BDSM 🙄

[Pe****]

16 hours ago, Explorers215 said:

How can you say you think she was referring to when Her exact words was casual play. Aftercare is a major part of bdsm so why would she be speaking about that???? She Cleary said casual play lol

Casual play ie, someone you’re not romantically involved with. I wouldn’t be asking about casual sex on a BDSM site

[Pe****]

11 hours ago, fort-worth107 said:

Depends on the chemistry

Good God 🙄🙄

[ge****]

17 hours ago, Explorers215 said:

How can you say you think she was referring to when Her exact words was casual play. Aftercare is a major part of bdsm so why would she be speaking about that???? She Cleary said casual play lol

And casual play doesn't happen in BDSM?
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Regardless of that I think it's a fair assumption to make on a site dedicated to kink that such a question would be relevant to the site and not about vanilla.
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As I also went on to say that even with vanilla sex a level of "aftercare" may be desirable - not necessarily anything heavy but something beyond dashing off the moment you've done the deed.
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And "aftercare" isn't exclusively a BDSM thing either - can apply to any number of things, both sexual and otherwise.
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You're right that it *should* be a major part of BDSM, or should at least be discussed up front - sadly as this thread alone has shown, that isn't always the case.

[Pe****]

5 hours ago, gemini_man said:

And casual play doesn't happen in BDSM?
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Regardless of that I think it's a fair assumption to make on a site dedicated to kink that such a question would be relevant to the site and not about vanilla.
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As I also went on to say that even with vanilla sex a level of "aftercare" may be desirable - not necessarily anything heavy but something beyond dashing off the moment you've done the deed.
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And "aftercare" isn't exclusively a BDSM thing either - can apply to any number of things, both sexual and otherwise.
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You're right that it *should* be a major part of BDSM, or should at least be discussed up front - sadly as this thread alone has shown, that isn't always the case.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[Li****]

I think aftercare is absolutely essential whether it is casual or committed, BDSM or vanilla… if y’all are engaging in sexual activity, you should have the human decency to care how the other person feels at the end of the experience. Sex is a meaningful thing no matter how casual y’all are. If someone lets you into their sexual bubble, that’s a lot of trust and responsibility right there. Be trustworthy, be respectful and responsible. Especially if the theme of the experience is segregation and servitude. They’re still humans and need to be able to walk away feeling like that was a kick ass experience. Not going home and feeling like shit. Make sure you both get what you want out of it. Otherwise you’re just being selfish and abusive.

[Ex****]

Everybody has there opinions and options to this lifestyle. Sex is sex I'm not having romantic sex with nobody other the my partner. So if we engage in sexual activity when we are done I'm not holding, cuddling or making you feel better. As a grown man or woman especially in this lifestyle you should know what and who you are. If you need aftercare after casual sex with somebody who's not your partner then maybe you should go talk to somebody or shouldn't be doing it at all. If you do something that make you feel some type of way that's your problem not the other person. Alot of yous are more damaged in the head with trauma then actually into this lifestyle.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Explorers215 said:

Sex is sex

this thread, however, is not about sex.

it's about BDSM play. This is a fetish site.

"Casual BDSM play" means play with someone you are not in a relationship with, pick-up play, etc. 

I have done casual play where I gave someone a severe caning - that (usually) requires aftercare.  I have done casual play where I've done foot worship, that, less so.   I've done casual play where I was whipped so badly i was marked for a month - that required aftercare.  And I've done casual play where I held a knife to someone's throat - that requires aftercare. 

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, Explorers215 said:

Everybody has there opinions and options to this lifestyle. Sex is sex I'm not having romantic sex with nobody other the my partner. So if we engage in sexual activity when we are done I'm not holding, cuddling or making you feel better. As a grown man or woman especially in this lifestyle you should know what and who you are. If you need aftercare after casual sex with somebody who's not your partner then maybe you should go talk to somebody or shouldn't be doing it at all. If you do something that make you feel some type of way that's your problem not the other person. Alot of yous are more damaged in the head with trauma then actually into this lifestyle.

Your premise is essentially that if aftercare is not agreed by one party but needed by the other then nothing futher should occur as needs will not be met. Which is fine in itself however, what most have said, including the OP is that if aftercare is agreed during negotiations then it should be provided. You're discussing a very different scenario and have ended up accussing people of something that may actually not be the case.
Assumptions are the mother of all f**k ups.

[Pe****]

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

this thread, however, is not about sex.

it's about BDSM play. This is a fetish site.

"Casual BDSM play" means play with someone you are not in a relationship with, pick-up play, etc. 

I have done casual play where I gave someone a severe caning - that (usually) requires aftercare.  I have done casual play where I've done foot worship, that, less so.   I've done casual play where I was whipped so badly i was marked for a month - that required aftercare.  And I've done casual play where I held a knife to someone's throat - that requires aftercare. 

Thank you 👏🏻

[Pe****]

3 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Your premise is essentially that if aftercare is not agreed by one party but needed by the other then nothing futher should occur as needs will not be met. Which is fine in itself however, what most have said, including the OP is that if aftercare is agreed during negotiations then it should be provided. You're discussing a very different scenario and have ended up accussing people of something that may actually not be the case.
Assumptions are the mother of all f**k ups.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻