D/s saved my relationship, I need advice for a new Dom

[Drakon86]

I have been with this woman for about 6 months now.  The sex has always been wild and great with me always in control, however she just wasn't giving me other things I needed.  Along the way she had mentioned she was submissive and that she liked to please her man.  She mentioned a slight interest in BDSM.  All of which has interested me, just don't have much experience but I just didn't put it all together.  Anyhow, her not giving me other things I needed was causing a power struggle and I was about to give up on her, until one day she had an issue and was yelling at me at a gas station, luckily I had my own car, so I just drove off and let her cool down.  Later that evening I went over to her house and became the most dominant I've been in our relationship and told her how she wasn't gonna be acting that way, and I'd been letting her get away with too much.  She told me she thinks I should be punishing her for misbehavior, and with that and my research into D/s, I had a conversation with her about making it a 24/7 thing and she wants to try.  Our relationship always had this D/s vibe with the sex, but it has also solved the power struggle, as we openly talk about the power exchange.  I have some basic rules for her to follow and at this time, we haven't dove too deep into it yet.  She is away for work for another week, but I told her when she returns we will be taking it seriously.  So that is my story so far, I am just basically looking for other Doms that could help me out with some advice at this point.  It's a lot and I'm a little overwhelmed and I certainly don't wanna overwhelm her.  In a way, I feel like she was guiding me into this.

Thank you

Edited August 28, 2022 by Drakon86

[ey****]

there's a lot ultimately you need a serious conversation with her

if she is to be punished more misbehaviour - what constitutes as "misbehaviour" and what is and isn't an appropriate punishment.   What you also both should factor is this can be exhausting for you both.

24/7 see as a destination rather than a starting point 

[Deleted Member]

My two cents…SLOW DOWN, you really dont even need to be thinking about 24/7 when you’re currently only engaging in slight D/s dynamics during sex. Thats a jump that will only end badly, this isnt a race, it isnt about all in as quick as possible
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Firstly i think you should be looking at your relationship before you even consider D/s dynamics, considering you said you were about to give up on her and actually left her at a gas station after an argument. If youre not getting what you feel you need from a relationship, kink wont fix that. Exactly the same as when people think having a child will fix their relationship. If core aspects of your relationship are not meeting either of your needs, this needs to be addressed before you even think about expanding on D/s dynamics.
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24/7 and/or TPE (total power exchange) are not to be taken lightly, this is something that effectively puts you in entire control of your partner, not just a bit of choking and roughness during sex, these aspects become entirely more than just sexual, your entire priority becomes about the welfare of your partner, if you’re hoping this means she’ll just kneel in the corner until you need a blowjob, thats not what this is! You become responsinble for everything, and forgive my honestly, i mean no offence, but “i was about to give up on her” is absolutely not where you should be before considering that kind of dynamic jump, the only thing this will result in is you having a severe mental impact on your partner when you get bored of realise the problems in your relationship are still present.
.
What you need to be doing right now is talking, you need to open up your communication to levels you didnt think were possible, honest and blunt conversations about both your needs and views on what you want moving forward, inside AND outside of kink! You then need to digest that information for a day or two before you jump in to anything more!

[CopperKnob]

I know that you're asking other Dtypes for their advice but as an stype, if a Dtype left in the middle of an argument that would be it. Done. It doesn't show maturity, respect or good communication skills, the latter on both sides. If she hadn't said that she was guiding you into this, she wasn't.
I agree with TheHandThatFeeds, work on the D/s rather than either 24/7/TPE. Slight BDSM is very different to the aforementioned.

[Deleted Member]

I agree with everybody, because they made good points. This is what I saw... D/s saved my relationship = Band-Aid/Plaster.🤷‍♀️

[Drakon86]

I terribly explained my original post and points were missed.  

[ge****]

14 hours ago, Drakon86 said:

I terribly explained my original post and points were missed.  

A lot of very good advice given regardless though - my advice would be to take some steps backwards and learn together - what you *both* need and want.
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While your first steps may have seemed to work short term, sustaining them long term is another matter and could potentially lead to more problems than the short term fix solved.
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Sit down and talk with your partner, understand her needs, and express your own, figure out the dynamic and how it will work, don't dive in feet first all guns blazing, take small slow steps communicating with each other every step of the way.
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Use on-line resources and questionnaires, as well as books and more to guide you - seek out local kink events and munches to interact and learn from others.

[uTgh4K33]

On 8/28/2022 at 1:34 PM, TheHandThatFeeds said:

My two cents…SLOW DOWN, you really dont even need to be thinking about 24/7 when you’re currently only engaging in slight D/s dynamics during sex. Thats a jump that will only end badly, this isnt a race, it isnt about all in as quick as possible
.
Firstly i think you should be looking at your relationship before you even consider D/s dynamics, considering you said you were about to give up on her and actually left her at a gas station after an argument. If youre not getting what you feel you need from a relationship, kink wont fix that. Exactly the same as when people think having a child will fix their relationship. If core aspects of your relationship are not meeting either of your needs, this needs to be addressed before you even think about expanding on D/s dynamics.
.
24/7 and/or TPE (total power exchange) are not to be taken lightly, this is something that effectively puts you in entire control of your partner, not just a bit of choking and roughness during sex, these aspects become entirely more than just sexual, your entire priority becomes about the welfare of your partner, if you’re hoping this means she’ll just kneel in the corner until you need a blowjob, thats not what this is! You become responsinble for everything, and forgive my honestly, i mean no offence, but “i was about to give up on her” is absolutely not where you should be before considering that kind of dynamic jump, the only thing this will result in is you having a severe mental impact on your partner when you get bored of realise the problems in your relationship are still present.
.
What you need to be doing right now is talking, you need to open up your communication to levels you didnt think were possible, honest and blunt conversations about both your needs and views on what you want moving forward, inside AND outside of kink! You then need to digest that information for a day or two before you jump in to anything more!

This is EXACTLY what I thought. Making such a drastic move doesn't seem only irresponsable, it seems dangerous for both involved. I agree with this 100%.
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Drakon, you say you didn't explained yourself well and points were missed and that may be true, but everyone here is telling you the same. Maybe you found a direction your relationship could take in the long term or something you both want to explore, but you'll need baby steps before running.