Vanilla FWB and kink advice please?!

August 30, 2022

So.

Ive finally met a local person who is ok with my poly situation (although they arent poly) and upon setting cards on the table we agreed it would be a waste to lose our compatibility and fun within our friendship.

So we agreed to be friends with benefits.

Sharing myself and time with this guy, whos muchly from the vanilla world.. he does have kinky subby traits.

But.. my problem is ive never had a friends with benefits before.

Ive no clue on the "right and wrong" things to do, ask say and behave. We won't have a dynamic.. itll be kink bedroom fun only. No other time.

I usually get attached to people so im trying to learn how to have that seperation.

Would anyone whos had or has friend/s with benefits be able to advise me on their experiences good or bad? Things to look out for and be mindful of? How to encoporate kink stuff in with a fwb or is this a bad idea?

I know itll be down to what feels right and us as individuals but i always practise safety and consent. Hes up for exploring but is it a "good" thing to practise with a fwb?

Thanks

August 30, 2022

Fwb’s have always been fine until I’ve thrown in vanilla to the mix. Then I just got bored.
You say it’s kink in the bedroom only?
Try and treat it as a dynamic that you only slip into when you’re there. That might help.

August 30, 2022

He is mostly vanilla. Its been great and fun so far.. but as time has gone by and weve chatted he has some traits of kink... so ive gently prodded at that and hes open to trying it.

I enjoy vanilla stuff. I am not a kink 24/7 kind of person anyway.. but ive not had a vanilla partner who i have taught or explored with.

Hes excited to try but it isnt something we want to have all the time. So im just wondering how people found it, being slowly introduced and in little bursts.

Usually i dont share myself with someone where there's no "romantic" connection but we are so compatible at the moment i didnt want to throw away a potential growth and learning curve.

August 30, 2022

FWB can and does work regardless of whether it's kink or vanilla - the key is not letting feelings cross over into things, as that is when waters get muddied - especially if those feelings are just one sided.
.
Now how you stop that happening is the tricky thing, as ultimately feelings are feelings right and you can't control them as such, they just happen and are.
.
There are ways you can limit the chances of them arising though, such as agreeing specific time frames between meets, limiting interaction in between etc, but even those are a fine line to tread as limit things too much and things can go off the boil, don't limit them enough and you run the risk of feelings creeping in.
.
Of course open and honest communication, even about feelings, is important, and perversely if you're both seeing others it helps too - though it sounds like that may not be the case on his side here.
.
As for any dangers of introducing kink into it - I'm not sure there are any, though obviously some kink play can be quite intense and intensity can lead to feelings of attachment and need. Again something to be aware of.

August 30, 2022

Communication is (as with most things I guess😁) muchos important.

You need to set boundaries for yourself about how to interact when not doing the benefits side of things, dont treat the other person like a boyfriend/girlfriend, and if you feel like they're treating you like that then say something and talk boundaries and discuss how to proceed and whether it's something you're both ok with etc.
.
For I just treat them exactly as I treat my friends, i expect nothing from them in terms of day to day communication, I'll chat with them whenever I can but I dont feel obliged to reply straight away or even the same day if I'm busy.. and likewise they can be exactly the same..
I dont get bent out of shape if I dont speak to them for few weeks and then they message out of the blue with a 'I want you now, when can you get here text' 😁

As far as exploring kinks go, I cant see much of a problem.. I've done it before with no issue but I guess there maybe chance of a more definitive connection being made depending on what you experience together - although it sounds like you'd be ok with that anyway?

Obviously from what you've said it sounds like they are probably happy to be chill and just play whenever the opportunity arises, I think it's good to be mindful of what your interactions are like - not every second of every interaction! But every now and then just take a second to evaluate what's going on and if you think anything needs to be brought up and discussed... other than that.. just enjoy their company and have fun 😁

August 30, 2022

FWB is an incredibly tricky dynamic to pull off successfully. Unfortunately, most of the time at least one person's feelings will inevitably get hurt along the way. I personally discourage it unless both parties have good emotional stability & fortitude lol but then again, I hold the same position on poly, so(?)😂what do I know.

August 30, 2022

It's essentially something to be creates by the two of you which may lead into other relations, but as I've known its either treated like a bf/gf without the title or like someone you been dating a while and looking forward to the next time in the bedroom. Do jeep in mind that while having stubby tendencies its best to allow him to show it as anything else might push him away completely

August 30, 2022

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

FWB can and does work regardless of whether it's kink or vanilla - the key is not letting feelings cross over into things, as that is when waters get muddied - especially if those feelings are just one sided.
.
Now how you stop that happening is the tricky thing, as ultimately feelings are feelings right and you can't control them as such, they just happen and are.
.
There are ways you can limit the chances of them arising though, such as agreeing specific time frames between meets, limiting interaction in between etc, but even those are a fine line to tread as limit things too much and things can go off the boil, don't limit them enough and you run the risk of feelings creeping in.
.
Of course open and honest communication, even about feelings, is important, and perversely if you're both seeing others it helps too - though it sounds like that may not be the case on his side here.
.
As for any dangers of introducing kink into it - I'm not sure there are any, though obviously some kink play can be quite intense and intensity can lead to feelings of attachment and need. Again something to be aware of.

Expand

You read too many of my posts 🤣 you are spot on with advice that feels tailored for me. Regarding feelings and so on.

Im super aware of them most of the time and i want to pace myself correctly here so ensure nothing can go horribly wrong.

He has been very forthcoming and upfront and honest. Said while there'll be an element of emotion (caring about someone) it wont be the committed romantic kinda stuff.

But he is very much into affection and human interaction (kisses cuddles, playif with hair etc) afterwards.

This is my identifying emotional bit. Il need to keep that seperation

We do plan to meet every weekend thus far. Hes not seeing anyone else.

We have light communication of a flirty nature in the evenings but go most day times without speaking.

We heavily discuss boundaries and share information with each other to try and ensure it stays on track.

Bang on with the dynamic introducing worries.. feels haha

August 30, 2022

1 hour ago, PJ3000 said:

Communication is (as with most things I guess😁) muchos important.

You need to set boundaries for yourself about how to interact when not doing the benefits side of things, dont treat the other person like a boyfriend/girlfriend, and if you feel like they're treating you like that then say something and talk boundaries and discuss how to proceed and whether it's something you're both ok with etc.
.
For I just treat them exactly as I treat my friends, i expect nothing from them in terms of day to day communication, I'll chat with them whenever I can but I dont feel obliged to reply straight away or even the same day if I'm busy.. and likewise they can be exactly the same..
I dont get bent out of shape if I dont speak to them for few weeks and then they message out of the blue with a 'I want you now, when can you get here text' 😁

As far as exploring kinks go, I cant see much of a problem.. I've done it before with no issue but I guess there maybe chance of a more definitive connection being made depending on what you experience together - although it sounds like you'd be ok with that anyway?

Obviously from what you've said it sounds like they are probably happy to be chill and just play whenever the opportunity arises, I think it's good to be mindful of what your interactions are like - not every second of every interaction! But every now and then just take a second to evaluate what's going on and if you think anything needs to be brought up and discussed... other than that.. just enjoy their company and have fun 😁

Expand

Yes hes very chill indeed

Happy to explore and just relax and enjoy ourselves.

Hes keen on trying kink. Once he knew i was into it and i asked a few questions he began to give me snippets of what hed like to try.

He says he's comfortable with me so that's good

We will find a suitable communication period as we go

What we have now works but id notice if that gradually increases there may need to be a discussion xx

August 30, 2022

1 hour ago, sonofthunder777 said:

FWB is an incredibly tricky dynamic to pull off successfully. Unfortunately, most of the time at least one person's feelings will inevitably get hurt along the way. I personally discourage it unless both parties have good emotional stability & fortitude lol but then again, I hold the same position on poly, so(?)😂what do I know.

Expand

Gotta live and learn right?! 🤷‍♀️😁

August 30, 2022

28 minutes ago, Lord_Talion said:

It's essentially something to be creates by the two of you which may lead into other relations, but as I've known its either treated like a bf/gf without the title or like someone you been dating a while and looking forward to the next time in the bedroom. Do jeep in mind that while having stubby tendencies its best to allow him to show it as anything else might push him away completely

Expand

Yeh

Its kinda like movie night dates cuddles pints and food. Then the benefits bit without it being a romantic result. So far

At the weekend we are all going to our local and having pints with my friends and possibly his.

Id make it very clear now though.. yes he has his subby tendancies. He also has dominant ones. I actually think hes a brat 😂 but id never ever ever push anyone into displaying these or acting them out unless they want to.

So far hes been the one vocalising and getting my advice and ideas. I am big on safety consent and communication

August 30, 2022

It’s about changing your mindset ‘if possible’, so sex will simply become another element of your friendship. The same way you’d go the pub with them or on days out, you will use eachother to satisfy each others needs.
However it’ll only work if you’re able to have sex or playtime without any attachment issues. For me I find that very easy but I appreciate not everyone is like that, some people need a connection or a bond.
How do you stop feelings happening….you don’t, you’re human & you can’t help liking/disliking people.
But when things start to become complicated or stop being fun then that’s the time to walk away as life should only be about smiles

August 30, 2022

Communication, communication, communication. It can absolutely work and be great, but these things look different for everyone! Discuss boundarys, regularly check in on how you’re both feeling. You’d naturally and easily talk limits/aftercare etc with somone in kink context but any/every other aspect of a connection is exactly the same and just as relevant.
.
Attachments/feelings towards people are entirley natural, its part of being human, its how you process and what you do with those feelings that are key.
.
You both need to work out what a FWB situation looks like to you, and what you need from it emotinally and physically, its also perfectly ok to find that out as you go, as long as you communicate everything as and when it crops up

August 31, 2022

1 hour ago, TheHandThatFeeds said:

Communication, communication, communication. It can absolutely work and be great, but these things look different for everyone! Discuss boundarys, regularly check in on how you’re both feeling. You’d naturally and easily talk limits/aftercare etc with somone in kink context but any/every other aspect of a connection is exactly the same and just as relevant.
.
Attachments/feelings towards people are entirley natural, its part of being human, its how you process and what you do with those feelings that are key.
.
You both need to work out what a FWB situation looks like to you, and what you need from it emotinally and physically, its also perfectly ok to find that out as you go, as long as you communicate everything as and when it crops up
Expand

Also being honest with him and yourself at all times. If you start getting feelings for him or he does you and neither of you want that you tell each other that it's time to stop. I could be wrong on that but being fair to eachother is always good, as sometimes friends with benefits can still lead to good friends, sometimes

August 31, 2022

18 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

So.

Ive finally met a local person who is ok with my poly situation (although they arent poly) and upon setting cards on the table we agreed it would be a waste to lose our compatibility and fun within our friendship.

So we agreed to be friends with benefits.

Sharing myself and time with this guy, whos muchly from the vanilla world.. he does have kinky subby traits.

But.. my problem is ive never had a friends with benefits before.

Ive no clue on the "right and wrong" things to do, ask say and behave. We won't have a dynamic.. itll be kink bedroom fun only. No other time.

I usually get attached to people so im trying to learn how to have that seperation.

Would anyone whos had or has friend/s with benefits be able to advise me on their experiences good or bad? Things to look out for and be mindful of? How to encoporate kink stuff in with a fwb or is this a bad idea?

I know itll be down to what feels right and us as individuals but i always practise safety and consent. Hes up for exploring but is it a "good" thing to practise with a fwb?

Thanks

Expand

I'm the worst person to ask as my fwb and I well we caught the feelings big time, although it makes our sex together so much better. He is mostly vanilla but has explored alot of Kink with me too, so it can definitely work.

I found I would tell him the things that turn me on and then he would find out more about it then agree if he would want to try it or not, so slowly slowly.

Just keep communicating and being honest if things change for either of you. How exciting jen x

Edited August 31, 2022 by Vic1077

August 31, 2022

Communication is probably the best thing, always be upfront with eachother if you encounter feelings or if you feel it isn't working out.
Another thing is try to avoid kissing as much as possible, kissing can create alot of hormones that are strongly associated with loving emotions, so you are far more likely to be feeling a loving connection to them if you kiss alot.
Other than that, just have fun, treat it like a one night stand situation but you guys get to go out and do stuff together after as friends :)

August 31, 2022

Not ignoring anyone il reply later on thanks so much for comments xx

August 31, 2022

As you know Im always happy to help if I can, really wish I had some wisdom from actually being in the situation, so that I could give you something to go on, only suggestion I can give is follow your gut it wont lie to you, wish I could offer more, you are awesome and deserve good things))