Coming on Strong- Pros and Cons

[Jon215]

I may have just scared away my first, serious prospect for a slave relationship (on another site). 

I contacted them because they claimed to be looking for a Master, and they reciprocated, maybe even a little TOO eagerly as they almost immediately started calling me "sir" without prompting. 

I had to cut short our initial conversation, and picked it up again today. Both times, but especially today, I laid out, in detail, EXACTLY what I wanted from this relationship, how long I wanted it to last (as long as possible- looking for a gf who does slave, essentially), how it might work, and what kinky stuff I wanted to do to them (after establishing what I wouldn't). We even agreed to a non-kink meet up in a couple of weeks time.

Everything seemed to be going fine, and they were happily chatting along with me, but all of a sudden they stopped out of the blue.

About an hour or two later, they explained that their chat had crashed, but they had also had a panic attack, feeling that I was rushing things by talking about things like living arrangements etc, and now wondering if this lifestyle is not for them.

I apologised for coming on so strong, gave them all the support I could, and made it clear that if they didn't want to do this, or be part of this lifestyle (which, heck, I'm barely a part of myself), that was 100% okay and understandable and that I definitely didn't want t *** them into anything that truly made them uncomfortable. Currently waiting to see if will talk again tomorrow or bow out; either would be fine with me.

Thing is, I also feel that coming on strong was probably the right thing to do. 

From my perspective, better to have a panic attack now, on the internet after a day or two, than weeks from now when we are actually trying things out and they only realise then what they've gotten themselves in for. Better to panic in the safety of your own home than with some strange guy tying you up.

If they start talking again and decide they still want to pursue this, I think I will myself, at a slower and more careful pace of course, otherwise if they decide to move on that is fine by me.

Any thoughts / opinions on this? 

 

   

 

Edited November 21, 2018 by Jon215

[Deleted Member]

Did you're happen to ask your potential "slave" what she wanted out of such a relationship? And exaftly what she was looking for? Even though you're wanting to dominate, it doesn't stop you from listening to other people's desires, needs and fantasies. To he talking about living arrangements is definitely coming on too strong, after just a couple of days. Be sensitive towards the girl, unless you want a doormat. In nearly all the advice you read on messages, you'll find the word "communication" ...it's a two-way process....listen and next time be attentive to the words thatyou receive in replies.

[Jon215]

15 minutes ago, Leatherdom2020 said:

Did you're happen to ask your potential "slave" what she wanted out of such a relationship? And exaftly what she was looking for? Even though you're wanting to dominate, it doesn't stop you from listening to other people's desires, needs and fantasies. To he talking about living arrangements is definitely coming on too strong, after just a couple of days. Be sensitive towards the girl, unless you want a doormat. In nearly all the advice you read on messages, you'll find the word "communication" ...it's a two-way process....listen and next time be attentive to the words thatyou receive in replies.

I did that, yes. 

I asked her what she wanted and expected out of this, and I ask her about her own limits etc.

I definitely talked more than her I'll grant, but that was just because her answers were fairly short.

Also every time I told her what I would like it was to see how she felt about it, and get her reply. Almost all of them were positive or just asking for clarification, so I continued. 

This was also only our second ever chat (the first was cut short because I had to leave early), and up to that point she seemed receptive.

By "living arrangements" it was More of a "your place or mine?" thing, albeit I admit I did suggest eventually getting somewhere together, somewhere down the road, clarifying it was only because my own place isn't really suitable (although granted yes she did advise me not to open with that in future)

 

Edited November 22, 2018 by Jon215

[Deleted Member]

The real receptive thing to remember, is take things steadily. Take time, build up trust, be serious, don't expect miracles. We all make mistakes. Everyone needs time to take in whats being said and what's being offered.  I honestly think that to start talking about living arrangements, without ever having met your female friend, was a bridge too far. That sealed your fate. Surely you'd talk more online,  chat on the phone, meet in a neutral venue and if all that is acceptable, then meet to agree what you'd both like to try. How much experience had your friend already had in her role? 

[Jon215]

14 minutes ago, Leatherdom2020 said:

The real receptive thing to remember, is take things steadily. Take time, build up trust, be serious, don't expect miracles. We all make mistakes. Everyone needs time to take in whats being said and what's being offered.  I honestly think that to start talking about living arrangements, without ever having met your female friend, was a bridge too far. That sealed your fate. Surely you'd talk more online,  chat on the phone, meet in a neutral venue and if all that is acceptable, then meet to agree what you'd both like to try. How much experience had your friend already had in her role? 

I think neither of us have experience.

To clarify, I'm looking for something potentially serious and permanent- a girlfriend who is does slave- so I felt it was important to get that out there from the beginning (and she was totally on board with that part); the living arrangement stuff was an extension of that. I felt it would be better to scare them off now rather than later.

It didn't scare her off right away either; after bringing it up (and apologising for getting ahead of myself), I started asking her questions about what she would like kink-wise, and when her answers were a bit short I started dating what I wanted to encourage her to open up.a bit more and see how she felt about each thing, and again she seemed very receptive.

All of this just to give us a rough idea of what we might expect, and again she was generally very receptive until she suddenly went quiet. 

Like I said, she started calling me "sir" straight away without me asking, so I guess we both got caught up in things. Luckily she eventually started talking to me again and I was able to make sure she was okay and apologised for rushing things, and assured her she didn't have to continue if she didn't want to. 

But yes, I see your point. It wasn't exactly how I imagined our conversation going either; I too hoped for text chat, followed by video chat, followed by a meet up in a pub or something to discuss things properly. I guess I just felt I had to spell things out to make sure it got even that far.

Edited November 22, 2018 by Jon215

[BigPolly]

2 hours ago, Leatherdom2020 said:

  I honestly think that to start talking about living arrangements, without ever having met your female friend, was a bridge too far. 

Crikey I definitely second this! ☝️

Ok I’m a sub not a slave so I may or may not be the right one to come forward with an opinion but most of the time if a Dom talks to me, stranger or not, I generally tend to call him Sir, it doesn’t mean anything other than respect.

If you have asked for a slave on your profile then you shouldn’t need to spell out that you’d want her to live with you or be totally committed, that’s part of being a slave however if someone had laid down any rules to me within the 2nd conversation I’d be offski (though I appreciate we’re not all the same & as I said I’m a sub) Some of us know whether we’re looking for play partners or a ltr but laying it so bluntly on the line may not be the way to get you what you want.....slowly slowly catchy monkey! 

If she comes back to you & you’re matched then happy days but if she doesn’t & you start your search again then maybe remember only speak to people online the same way you would in person. would you sit in front of a complete stranger that you’d only just met & state “I want this, this & this, I want you to live with me & that arrangement will be for this number of years!” & not expect her to make her excuses & run for the hills. Having rules & knowing what you want is great but this is about having fun, communicating & learning together not about coming across as too needy or desperate. Good luck 😊

[Jon215]

17 minutes ago, BigPolly said:

Crikey I definitely second this! ☝️

Ok I’m a sub not a slave so I may or may not be the right one to come forward with an opinion but most of the time if a Dom talks to me, stranger or not, I generally tend to call him Sir, it doesn’t mean anything other than respect.

If you have asked for a slave on your profile then you shouldn’t need to spell out that you’d want her to live with you or be totally committed, that’s part of being a slave however if someone had laid down any rules to me within the 2nd conversation I’d be offski (though I appreciate we’re not all the same & as I said I’m a sub) Some of us know whether we’re looking for play partners or a ltr but laying it so bluntly on the line may not be the way to get you what you want.....slowly slowly catchy monkey! 

If she comes back to you & you’re matched then happy days but if she doesn’t & you start your search again then maybe remember only speak to people online the same way you would in person. would you sit in front of a complete stranger that you’d only just met & state “I want this, this & this, I want you to live with me & that arrangement will be for this number of years!” & not expect her to make her excuses & run for the hills. Having rules & knowing what you want is great but this is about having fun, communicating & learning together not about coming across as too needy or desperate. Good luck 😊

I wasn't laying down rules;  I was laying out what I wanted or hoped for, and I made it clear that is what I was doing. 

It was more, "Here is what I would like- how do you feel about this?"; "Here is another thing- what about that?" And I asked her what she liked and mixed in important stuff with lighthearted stuff.

Also she said she wanted a slave on her profile; she never looked at mine as far as I can tell (which honestly does bother me slightly). I approached her and we started chatting. 90% of it was great and fun.   

She wasn't put off by me talking about this stuff or laying out what I liked; it was more the amount of it and specific things. 

But okay, I'll remember this for future.

 

Edited November 22, 2018 by Jon215

[ey****]

things I feel...

I think it is good to be honest.  It makes little sense to enter a relationship you know you (or they) will never be happy in.

But.  Let's go into the vanilla world.  You might ultimately want to get married with kids, but you don't start contacting people you've never met to discuss wedding dates and baby names.  

And when you think of things like that it becomes apparent how coming over too full on isn't going to work - especially if you're still finding your feet with experience.

It makes far more sense to see how things go, that it's more important that the two of you work together - things like living arrangements, protocol, your journey together, so on - they come later.

A friend of mine, she's had owned slaves before but won't embark on anything with a guy who has a starting point of wishing to be her owned slave because she can't guarantee that and feels she'd be leading him on a journey he'd be ultimately disappointed with - so - while it was good the guys set out their ambitions - they missed out on a lot of potential good times and experiences through wanting to rush too fast.

It's not a sprint it's a marathon.  

[Jon215]

UPDATE:

Well, good news- she was happy to keep talking to me after all that, and she was still at least open to meeting up.

Bad news- now she isn't talking to me for a totally different reason. Sigh.

And I might have genuinely upset her this time without meaning to. I'm getting the impression she might have anxiety or depression or something. 

I asked her what she did during the day and she said "nothing"; she'd been dancing around that question for the last few days. I told her what I did- even though I'm a boring introverted person myself- to encourage her to open up, but she still said "nothing", so I told her that if that was true it would be a dealbreaker for me and she surely must do SOMETHING, even if it's just watching television or hanging out with friends.

And now, silence :( 

I've sent her a message asking if she's kay, but this might be the end of it. I can only hope I haven't really hurt her. 

[ey****]

She was giving you a soft tell to not ask about the day.  It could have been cos something happened she didn't want to talk about, or could be that actually she felt it would be a chore opening up about a potentially trivial day.  It can be hard getting a conversation flowing when someone isn't feeling up to it - but telling them, effectively, "open up or else", well - it looks like the "else" has been chosen.

In ways, don't give up - but in other ways, try to kinda think first, especially if you've already got her on edge.

[Jon215]

I think you misunderstand- I wasn't asking about that particular day; I was asking about days in general. What does she do with her life? If the answer really is "nothing", there is no point in hooking up, because I don't want to be with someone like that.

It seems like she is the sort of person who wants to be a sub because she has no hobbies or interests period. She is intelligent, because she got herself a degree, but she is not "curious"; I'm not even sure she has even looked at my profile yet. I'm worried she is the sort of person who just wants someone to tell her how to live her life and has no direction of her own at all,, and I'm not interested in that.

She got back to me and said she was tired and fell asleep, and that's something she's done a few times. It might be that she is just overworked, but I think she just dissociates as a defence mechanism. 

I'm not worried that I'll chase her off anymore; I'm worried that I am not interested in her after all.   

[BigPolly]

Perhaps she on the dole or on the sick. Maybe she has mental illness & unable to work or a disability but after such a short time of talking, feels she isn’t yet able to open up fully. 

Maybe she is looking for more a of a Daddy Dom than a Master, someone who will look after her & nurture her as well play with her. 

However none of us know the answers to this one I’m afraid, communication is always key but if she isn’t talking to you then that’s not there. 

Saying she fell asleep may be a defence mechanism or she may be on medication. You simply don’t know enough about this young lady yet to decide whether you are going to hook up or not so keep trying but allow her to tell you things at her own pace. 

6 hours ago, Jon215 said:

I'm worried she is the sort of person who just wants someone to tell her how to live her life and has no direction of her own at all,,

That’s exactly what a slave is, they are totally directed by their master with very little or no say in anything so maybe you’re looking for a 24/7 sub? 

[Jon215]

1 hour ago, BigPolly said:

Perhaps she on the dole or on the sick. Maybe she has mental illness & unable to work or a disability but after such a short time of talking, feels she isn’t yet able to open up fully. 

Maybe she is looking for more a of a Daddy Dom than a Master, someone who will look after her & nurture her as well play with her. 

However none of us know the answers to this one I’m afraid, communication is always key but if she isn’t talking to you then that’s not there. 

Saying she fell asleep may be a defence mechanism or she may be on medication. You simply don’t know enough about this young lady yet to decide whether you are going to hook up or not so keep trying but allow her to tell you things at her own pace. 

That’s exactly what a slave is, they are totally directed by their master with very little or no say in anything so maybe you’re looking for a 24/7 sub? 

I've seen many Doms and Masters say that they want a slave but not a doormat. I made it clear that I wanted someone for interesting conversation and she said that was fine, but she hasn't delivered so far, so I'm uncertain. 

Her profile says she is looking for her "daddy owner master Dom",so she probably isn't 100% certain either.

She's talking more now and starting to tell me what I want to know, so I'm more relived now. She isn't on the dole; she has a job, and it seems like she just works long hours and is only tired, which is relieving. 

(I'm studying psychology so maybe I'm just letting that get to my head if my first thought is "what psychological condition does this person have?" - sheesh)

 

[BigPolly]

A slave is literally what it says on the tin. Someone who will serve their Master in every sense at their command. Their limits are decided by the Master (after first initial discussion) & all opinions, tasks & directions are then removed from the slave & led by the Master. 

A sub had opinions & limits, will be guided & led but has the right to say no, stop any play or tasks & are equal to their Dom(me) therefore won’t be a doormat. 

Thats fantatic that she’s talking again. Your dynamic doesn’t need to be set in stone you find you own path & if neither of you are sure which direction you want to take this then learning is part of the fun. 

Youre right, labelling people has become 2nd nature in the real world if they don’t conform...just enjoy each other 😁

[Jon215]

Hmm..okay. I've slightly misunderstood my terminology then.

[Jon215]

Well, anyway, we've agreed it's not happening.

We have similar lifestyles and we both want similar things from a kinky relationship, but it seems we don't really have any other interests in common, so it probably wouldn't have worked.

Oh well. Learning experience. At least I didn't hurt her as I was worried about. 

 

[Daddys_girl-2018]

A slave has to compare to Master not the other way round ... you was right telling them what you expect Sir.... Sorry I have to call you that or my Daddy will punish me as its in our dynamics

[BigPolly]

2 hours ago, Jon215 said:

We have similar lifestyles and we both want similar things from a kinky relationship, but it seems we don't really have any other interests in common, so it probably wouldn't have worked.

Does it have to be so intense & long term? Can’t you both just enjoy each other without planning a future? Maybe look for your future play partner whilst you’re having fun. 

[Jon215]

If that's what I was looking for I might have gone for it, but that isn't the case.

Though to be honest, even then I think I would have been dissatisfied quickly. 

I know I'm being very picky, but that is how I am. Besides we were actually both on the same page on that matter, wanting to be with someone potentially permanent.

[ey****]

I can see where you are coming from - and - it's right to not enter a relationship you'd be unhappy with.    

One thing to consider though is you are drastically reducing your options - and missing out on general good times and things that could turn into other things.

My wife was only meant to be a summer romance.  My Mistress was only meant to be one film day, perhaps another in the future.

 

[Jon215]

I understand that, but this is the course I am set on. Especially since I am only starting out.

Perhaps if I have no luck in future I'll loosen up on this, but this was an important factor for me. 

Edited November 24, 2018 by Jon215