Communication is Key - what does that even mean?

[ey****]

A lot of people come to the forums looking for advice and are told... "communication is key"

Whilst true, in itself it's a bit of a meaningless phrase.
By irony, it lacks clear communication.

Usually what this might relate to is either a couple who are trying things out, or someone having insecurities with their Dominant/submissive/relationship 

And yep, being open and being able to talk to your partner, or prospective partner is extremely important within BDSM.

Because...
There is no universal one size fits all "right way" to do kink and relationships.
If it makes you happy, it is correct. If you are unhappy, especially persistently unhappy, it is wrong.

(When I say persistently unhappy. A lot of relationships have ups and downs that need to be worked through, but, you shouldn't stay in an arrangement you are not happy with) 

Because of this. People have different ideas on what works for them and different things that they like.

There is a genuine problem of people going along with some things (or not doing some things) because they think they have to, be this from something they saw or read or general perspectives - rather than doing what they enjoy.

Some also do this for *** of how they will be viewed by their partner, a potential scare of rejection.

So, if you are indulging in kink you should be prepared for lots of communication, both in giving and receiving.
If you are starting out with a new partner this could be around things like; what you already know you like.  what you are curious to try. what you really don't want to do.
How you would like to incorporate this into your relationship.
That is true regardless of if you are submissive, Dominant or whatever.

Of course it might be there are dealbreakers right there, in which case this isn't going to work and so you need to accept this.

If something isn't working. Then saying it is not working is the only way to change it.
If there's something you think you could do more of, then encouraging that.

Discussing ideas is always good, along with a little bit experimenting where appropriate.

Remember also that some people like things for different reasons.

If we pick on caning for example.
Some people do not like it and won't do it.
Some people do not like it, but will do it for their partner.
Some people enjoy it, because they love how it makes them feel.
Some people don't enjoy it but do it as a consensual non-enjoyment (especially if their partner does)
Some people enjoy it only in certain circumstances, such as punishment.

So it is important you are on a similar wave length. Even if it is just knowing when it is and isn't appropriate to do.

Foot fetish is also a good example in that some people have a foot fetish and specific things they like, others less so but will do it as a form of symbolism.
You can imagine the hilarity if someone is having someone kiss their feet because they think the person likes it, while they are kissing feet 'for their partner' when really this isn't something that works for either of them.

But even outside of fetishes and activities, a lot can extend to day to day life.  Whether people want to have 'play' or any form of extended protocols and what this looks like.
This can be broached with
- what you enjoy
- what you don't enjoy (and will/won't do) 
- what you expect from your partner
- what they expect from you
- what you both need to do to achieve this

There are, of course, people who already have experience and may have their own ideas, especially around expectations
If someone already has a whole bunch of rules and protocols in mind that works for them, that's great - but if these don't work for you, this person isn't the partner for you.  You face burnout trying to fit into a mould that doesn't fit.
While a lot of people do have a "give anything a go" attitude, especially if it is in hope they get attention and so forth - you are wasting everyone's time if you haven't given this proper thought.
Saying "this isn't going to work for me" is communication.
Saying "this isn't what I had in mind, this is what I had in mind" is communication.
Trying something in blind hope it might, is not.
If the latter two mean a dynamic doesn't start, it's better than a bad dynamic.

Communication is also an ongoing process.  Familarity might reduce the depth or necessity.  But certainly talking about what works, is not working, direction, is a good thing.
Sometimes people feel they have to stick with something they agreed on day 1, but this is fluid. Things change.
The things, that change, need to be communicated.

Because they won't change by themselves.

[Si****]

Think a summary of your piece - is to say: communication is key. To me that’s self evident. But that’s not necessarily true for all -
Summaries aren’t intended as full explanations. Think saying “meaningless” is counter productive - in an otherwise useful piece.

[ey****]

communication is key is truthful, but it's a buzz phrase

especially if someone is new and asking for help.

Yes of course I need to communicate with my partner - why didn't I think of that - but, how, what, so on

[TheBookCollector]

Communication also needs to be effective and honest and the partner has to listen and comprehend.

[CopperKnob]

I think that sometimes communication can be difficult if there's uncertainty or a lack of confidence. Communication though, isn't simply verbal, facial expressions, body language, written etc all counts.

[ey****]

23 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think that sometimes communication can be difficult if there's uncertainty or a lack of confidence. Communication though, isn't simply verbal, facial expressions, body language, written etc all counts.

I think that is also some of my spin off - that the whole idea of "just talk to them" is of course correct, but no good if the person doesn't know what to say or how to broach it - or is scared of the outcome etc

[Da****]

I also think communication, being able to talk with your partner in a safe environment is important but just as important is your partners willingness to listen and hear what you are saying (showing through body language) and actually listening, and comprehending what you are trying to express, asking quif they don't understand.. be active in the conversation.

[Koby]

Communication is key, but Communication can be challenging and there are very factors that impede our ability to communicate.

I remember prior to breaking up with one of my exes. I tried to express my emotions towards them, in addition to expressing my concerns about the relationship.

Every single time I tried, I was shut down. It reached the point where  I had to end our relationship in the worst possible way....by text message!!

[Th****]

Thanks Black, excellent piece.
I think generally speaking the phrases and buzz words we use in the community are at best a useful short hand.

At worst to newcomers they are as you pointed out literally meaningless.

Everyone has different ways of communicating, comfort zones, more so while finding there feet in the lifestyle.

Positive, confidence building, that is open, honest and allows both parties to discuss things freely out of their roles is very important.

But it definitely takes longer to type and read. 😉

[Deleted Member]

Communication is key, and I think most people can understand what that means, especially anyone who's been in many relationships. It's one of the first things you learn about in relationship counselling, and yes, of course it's a short hand, because presenting an entire treatise on good communication is simply not viable. Unless you just love the sound of your own voice of course. 😆
In a kink context, good communication means being clear about wants and needs. As a Dom I take responsibility for this by providing a fairly comprehensive spreadsheet to all my potential submissives that covers all the key areas of sexuality and kink. Not just likes and limits and rewards and punishments but how and where they like to be touched or places to avoid touching. Also things they really want to try which provides a road map for future sessions.
This becomes a starting point for discussion as it establishes areas of compatibility and incompatibility. Occasionally filling in this spreadsheet is enough to see that we common aren't compatible. But usually it allows us to focus on those areas where we are.
It remains online and a shared document that we both can update as we try things together. Quite often, as trust grows it enables conversations about thing that might previously have been soft limits. Or even hard limits.
For me it takes a lot of the guesswork out of things, especially since I'm poly and often have three or four active subs with quite different wants and needs, and keeping track of things otherwise can be challenging. Some of my subs have then used this with other Doms as they find it saves them a lot of time repeating the same conversations again and again.
Communication is indeed key and doesn't have to be difficult.