Sub Feelings

[se****]

So today i wanna talk about feelings, I also do have a few questions because i would like different perspectives and thoughts on this specific topic.

I personally feel like if you’re in a strictly s/d relationship, you have to remove your real feelings from that dynamic. And i don’t mean with everything so please read the entire things before commenting. But I’ve noticed with a couple of my previous subs (not all) but these specific ones I’m speaking about, told me that they had a *** kink. Which is fine with me
But there would be times, where I’d say something degrading to them, like calling them a slut ect (things they like) and they’d get offended by it. And I’d have to remind them, that i don’t actually think that about them outside of the dynamic. And then they’d feel better after i reassured them, so my question for subs out there. Is have any of you had trouble with that?
Has there every been a time where you’ve been degraded by your dom and thought he was actually being malicious? I completely understand everyone is different, but i understand my role. If my sub starts being bratty, I’m aware that’s her role in a sense. I never take anything that my sub does to heart. I’ve had a couple situations where my sun would get offended if i told them to shut up, or something along those lines. And then she’d feel better after I’d remind her it’s our roles.
So I’d just like to know some opinions
Do y’all think it’s just a lack of experience from their end? Or does some people just have a hard time understanding when they’re in/out their role? Maybe too sensitive? I don’t know. Personally after at least 4 months into a s/d relationship. I don’t want to have to keep stepping out of my role to give a reminder. I feel like In the beginning and during training, yes reminders are necessary. But 4 months in? Let me know.

[Deleted Member]

To me it sounds like you lack experience rather than the other way around. If you don’t know your sub well enough to understand how they’ll react to some things you say, why not?

These issues are easily avoided when spending time getting to know a sub rather than ‘training’ them. And if they do come up, there should be no need for reminders that you’re “in your roles” if you’re actually in a scene.

If you’re trying to do a 24/7 dynamic this is far more complicated-but again you would need to spend A LOT of time getting to know someone before entering such an intense relationship, and then this kind of issue should rarely, if ever, come up.

[ey****]

So, yep, this isn't the first thread where you've tried to pin things on others' inexperience in ways that has actually further highlighted your own inexperience.

There is nothing wrong with being inexperienced so don't take that as a slight.   But if you keep blaming others you are not going to improve.

If someone is being offended by your language during a scene; you have taken the scene too far.  And yes at that point you might have to step back and reassure them this isn't really what you think, that it was part of the scene so on (all of these things you should be doing in aftercare anyway) but them being offended or not in the right headspace is moreso on you than them.   A bit like if you hit someone too hard in play, you hit them too hard, they're not being too soft.

It also sounds like you're trying to push people into a role you want them to be in, rather than what they want to be in or feel comfortable with.  This means you're either pushing things too fast, or the two of you are not compatible.  If you're not compatible, end the relationship without prejudice, but if you are pushing things too fast (and everyone works at different paces) then this is on you rather than them.

It could even be.  When you say you know your role... what do you mean by this?  Is this something you read on the internet of how you should be - or something you are genuinely happy with? Because you don't seem happy. 

[CopperKnob]

I think that this post really validates the comment I added to your post yesterday.
It seems that you have a very set idea of what a D/s dynamic looks like and whilat that's ok, no two dynamics will be the same. You need to be discussing with a partner what their expectations, wants and needs are.
It appears that you're ploughing ahead with your own ideal and that's why other peoples feelings (and potentially more) get hurt

[CopperKnob]

Also, how were you 23yrs a year ago and now you're 28yrs?

[se****]

I seem to noticed with my threads, and some other members threads. Anytime it’s something about the sub misunderstanding something, it instantly gets put as it’s the doms fault. That’s something i really dislike. no one ever thinks, maybe the sub was a bit inexperienced, maybe she was still learning, maybe she just needed more time.

Not everyone is an expert in this lifestyle, just because you and some other may understand how it goes. Doesn’t mean the subs i speak of did too. I respectfully asked for other opinions, but it seems like you all have a very narrow minded view on every situation.
And always thinks, it’s my fault and i didn’t do something right. Or I didn’t take enough time to figure something out, but i guess all of you just never made an error in your roles.

[CopperKnob]

7 minutes ago, searchingformyslave said:

I seem to noticed with my threads, and some other members threads. Anytime it’s something about the sub misunderstanding something, it instantly gets put as it’s the doms fault. That’s something i really dislike. no one ever thinks, maybe the sub was a bit inexperienced, maybe she was still learning, maybe she just needed more time.

Not everyone is an expert in this lifestyle, just because you and some other may understand how it goes. Doesn’t mean the subs i speak of did too. I respectfully asked for other opinions, but it seems like you all have a very narrow minded view on every situation.
And always thinks, it’s my fault and i didn’t do something right. Or I didn’t take enough time to figure something out, but i guess all of you just never made an error in your roles.

And this is why, because when others provide you suggestions or their own thoughts on what you've written you shut the conversation down. Do you not see how we would perceive this to translate into your relationships?
As Eyem says above, there's no issue with inexperience, it's a positive that you're asking questions and as before, no two dynamics will be the same but that's where you need an understanding of the other persons needs and wants. It's coming across very clearly in how you've presented your questions/posts that that's whats missing
In your profile, you write that you're seeking inexperienced subs. For some that's a red flag in itself, particularly given your posts. Why not consider someone with more experience?

[Ar****]

44 minutes ago, searchingformyslave said:

I seem to noticed with my threads, and some other members threads. Anytime it’s something about the sub misunderstanding something, it instantly gets put as it’s the doms fault. That’s something i really dislike. no one ever thinks, maybe the sub was a bit inexperienced, maybe she was still learning, maybe she just needed more time.

Persecution complex much?

Thing is, you've answered your own question right here (let's ignore the fact that there have been plenty of forum threads where it has been acknowledged/discussed that something HAS likely been a sub's fault). But since we're doing finger-pointing let's roll with it. If a sub is i) "a bit inexperienced", or ii) "still learning", or iii) "just needed more time" then any responsible Dom/me should have been aware of this. He or she would not be engaging in play with somebody to whom one of those three criteria applies unless they were ready to handle it or were trying to take advantage. If something goes wrong in such a situation - if there is a "misunderstanding" - then the bulk of the responsibility DOES fall on the shoulders of the Dom/me, who should not be playing/involving themselves with somebody who is not ready. Suggesting that a lack of experience or knowledge is a reason for a submissive to be at fault sounds in a dangerously similar field of thought to victim-blaming.

I really don't get why you ask for opinions. Have you even taken one response on board? I started to reply to your thread yesterday then when I accidentally deleted half of it thought it would probably be like banging my head against a wall anyway. But for what it's worth the summary was that you asked in your OP what people thought and what their experiences were of online brats not taking their punishments and suggested that you'd had enough/given up on training via that medium, yet in repeated responses to comments you instead kept saying things like they weren't real brats, were new and inexperienced, they decided it wasn't for them once they tried it - so which was it? Were you dealing with actual brats you couldn't handle and decided to walk away from them, or were you dealing with inexperienced newbies who kept walking away from you? Because your responses didn't match your OP and it really can't be both...

My opinion on this post? No I don't think it's a lack of experience, or understanding of "role", or being too sensitive on their end at all. I feel as though you aren't communicating and connecting with these women to express and understand each other's wants and expectations. I've had a range of dynamic types, and even with partners who enjoy being degraded or in the service sub/slave dynamic I had I'd never dream of telling any of them to shut up - I'm not surprised they got offended!! It clearly wasn't okay with them which tells me you didn't talk through their limits and boundaries, else you would have known it was an issue and wouldn't be asking about it here 🚩

[ey****]

Subs aren't instant noodles

you can't just add water and get exactly what you want

[Dy****]

Here's what my experience as a Dom tells me:

Any activity we engage in has to be discussed ahead of time.

That means if we are getting into ***, and specifically verbal, we have to discuss what labels will be used, and when the use of those labels are acceptable.

Something like this is quite basic, so if you, as a Dom, are missing this kind of communication prompt, I would imagine you are missing many other prompts when it comes to D/s interaction.

I would highly encourage you to read The Loving Dominant by John Warren.

Please don't be another "Dom" that comes on here and regales us with your tales of patent *** of subs, be the Dom that learns from those experiences and fixes the issues at hand.

You have a role that requires leadership, and you are not demonstrating that leadership, based in your own account of events.

[se****]

DyingForLife. I want you and a lot of others to know, I enjoy training. I do like bringing someone into this lifestyle who has curiosity, and furfilling it for them.
I completely understand, and have done many times, conversations and discussing all the important details and such beforehand.


But I’m not sure if you have or haven’t, but I’ve dealt with many who’s come to me and told me. “I’d like to be trained by you, I don’t know really anything about this lifestyle” and i agree to train them. And once we get to that question of what their kinks are, what are they enticed by, what they do and don’t like.

A lot of the times, I’ve gotten a “I don’t really know, I’ll try anything” so at this point, i not telling her what she should or should be, I’m not telling her she’s not something she claims to be. I tell her, alright that’s completely understandable/normal for someone who’s inexperienced. So since she doesn’t know, all I have to do is teach/train her as slow and steady as possible. I like to tread very lightly when training them, because I don’t want them jumping into anything that they’re not ready for.

I don’t put absolutely all of this in my profile, but this is all discussed when there’s a potential dynamic at hand. It’s always a risk when training someone who’s vanilla, or just completely oblivious to how bdsm/kink goes. It’s not always going to be a success, and I do like people to know it’s ok to make mistakes. Just because a dynamic doesn’t work, doesn’t mean the sub/dom did anything wrong.
But even with all my experience and reading, we all can still learn more, so i come here to these threads to ask questions or share my thoughts on the things that might confuse me a little.
I completely understand what you’re saying though, because a lot of doms should know that. And I do appreciate you sharing your pov on this topic.

[ey****]

I think an important thing here

So, yep, you do get new subs sometimes who don't really know a lot but for whatever reason they like the idea of being a sub even if they don't entirely know what that entails.

Which basically just ties in with what you've said.

One of the important things is that in agreeing to 'train' them, one thing you have to readily accept is that you will spend time on them and they may well find this is not for them.  

And of course you have ideas, and everything you want to do and so of course in some cases it might not work for them, in others of course they might be kicking back or questioning this.   I think one thing, on assumption you don't do this already, is to explain different Dominants do things different ways - there's not like a one-size fits all solution : this is how you want to do it.

If you try something, whether it's ***, punishment, or any activity - and they go "OK, not for me" then that is understandable. They are new, they are exploring and some things will work and some things will not.  It is important not to get frustrated if things don't work for them.

 

[se****]

Eyemblacksheep and I completely agree with that 100% couldn’t have said it better myself. Because a lot of people do believe that a dom/sub has to be one way. And I usually try to get my sub to understand that we’re all different, because she’s different from my last, I’m probably different from her last.
So this is where we have to learn each other. I’ve been told before “my last dom was better” and I’d respond, well then maybe I’m not the dom for you then and that’s completely fine.
That’s usually why i disagree when someone says “a sub should be like” or “a dom should be like” because technically everyone has a different idea of what both should be. So i completely agree with everything you just said there, literally worded perfectly!

[TyP99]

I hear what you’re saying. Could I make a suggestion? It might be worth (before each scene) to have a “script” that both u and your subs say. In it you could say something along the lines of “the words I call you and the way I treat you does not reflect my true life opinions of you. I think you are beautiful, kind, caring (etc etc etc)” and the sub could say “the words that will be used in this scene is not who I am, or how I am scene, I understand that my dominant’s opinion of me is not reflected by the scene”. Just to instil that reminder at the beginning.
It doesn’t need to be quite so formal, it can be variations of the same thing, but basically just using affirmations before a scene may be useful.
Obviously it It’s also important to reaffirm all of this during aftercare.

[se****]

TyP99 that’s honestly a really good suggestion, Thank you for that. I’ll definitely discuss that over with my sub.