Bad experience with a dom.

[Deleted Member]

I am very new to this bdsm and kink stuff. A few weeks ago I met a dom in my area off reddit and we started texting. I told him I was new to kink but looking to explore. I made what I believe to be several honest mistakes. Not even mistakes really. I forgot to call him sir (however he did nothing to earn my respect but I wasn't trying to disrespect him). I sent pictures of myself and he sent a few of his face. However when I asked to see more revealing shots (I sent some pretty revealing picture of me) he refused. Later I asked him if I chose to serve him would I still be able to talk with other people erotically and if I would be able to see other people. That got him enraged. He called me disrespectful and basically said that I was a horrible sub. I just wanted to know the ground rules of the relationship before agreeing!! When I told him i didn't want to serve him he said i would regret my decision and threatened to tell other doms in the area and that he could make it so I would never be able to serve anyone. Was I in the wrong? He honestly made me feel like it was all my fault, which is why I took so long to post about it. This shattered my confidence and has turned me off bdsm. 

[BigPolly]

Ok basically what you have just experienced is simply ‘***’ You & your Dom should be on an equal plane where things are discussed & both of you have the right to refuse anything that makes you uncomfortable. It is not usual for a sub to ask a Dom to reveal himself but each relationship is personal. You have been respectful to ask for permission to speak to other people in a certain way & he can say whether he likes it or not but ultimately the decision is yours as it would be in any situation depending on your commitment or dynamic. This guy sounds like a proper dickhead & a bully and DEFINITELY NOT a Dom so please don’t use your experience as a starting point Also most of us have experienced this at some point so please realise you are not alone & you have nothing to feel ashamed about! 😊

[Deleted Member]

Big polly is right you have just met a wannabe 50shades dom, just a wank chatter and pic collector , his pic was probably fake ( pm me and I’ll tell you how to check ) a true Dom would never treat a new sub so shabbily , you need training mentoring and care, open honest discussions about limits etc x

[Deleted Member]

Thank you guys for responding. I was so unsure because he kept telling me he was experienced (I'm simply not). Also it's hard to gauge someone's tone over text so I feel like I am exaggerating how angry he got. He was annoyed but not THAT upset. I was probably being disrespectful to some extent, but I feel like a real dom would cut me some slack since I told him I was new to the scene. This doesn't help my self esteem, I don't think I'll stop BDSM outright, but I might just take a hiatus. Again thank you for responding.

[Deleted Member]

If you explained that you were new, then he definitely should have entered into a general and supportive conversation with you. You were just two people, talking. Under normal circumstances, you would just chat so that you could ask questions, find out a little about your simmering curiosities, receive replies that would fill you with even more excitement and eagerness to make progress in your self discovery. Instead of which, you get the stuffing knock out of you. If anyone needs their name spreading around the area, it's his, not yours. A case of name and shame and potential subs, steer clear!!! Don't give up, snd ignor anyone with an over inflated ego. Like Polly says, you're equal, even when you decide to give your gift of submission. Good luck. We're all here to help.

[BigPolly]

Stay on this site as there’s plenty of hints & tips, topics & discussions & people to talk to & ask questions which may help 😊 we’re all lovely here 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Confusedsub said:

Thank you guys for responding. I was so unsure because he kept telling me he was experienced (I'm simply not). Also it's hard to gauge someone's tone over text so I feel like I am exaggerating how angry he got. He was annoyed but not THAT upset. I was probably being disrespectful to some extent, but I feel like a real dom would cut me some slack since I told him I was new to the scene. This doesn't help my self esteem, I don't think I'll stop BDSM outright, but I might just take a hiatus. Again thank you for responding.

You are entirely in the right, any half decent dom would be understanding that you are new to the scene, so inevitably you have a lot of questions which with the reaction he had throws up some massive red flags (I always get any potential sub to complete a questionnaire before my first session, which is pretty thorough, but if I’ve missed anything out or they have any questions I will happily answer them). I’ve certainly been there with unscrupulous Dom’s before but thankfully had the ability to pick out red flags (which you wouldn’t necessarily know as a newbie). 

 

As Polly said please do stay on the site as there are some really friendly people on here who can give good advice.

[ey****]

you did right in getting out.   the way he reacted when you said you wanted out showed you were right.

 

[Deleted Member]

You did right by getting away from him.Respect goes both ways and as a sub myself i feel there has to be ground rules at the beginning.I coulobe with a guy who felt i was there just to be ***d.Even sex slaves need to be told what is expected of them.The need to be submissive won't go away,at least in my case and i long to be owned by someone who cares about me.Good luck in finding your perfect Dominant.You were prepared to give every part of you.That deserves love and respect.x

[PhantomFlogger]

Your submission is a gift, the type of person who demands gifts or scoffs at gifts (without that being the predetermined dynamic) is not the type of person to respect you or your limits.

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Tbh that sounds horrible....the spreading your name around part isnt that a kind of blackmailing?!?

Hope that wasn't someone from here!! Really difficult being a sub to be safe)

[RosesHaveThorns75]

UNOFFICAL S&M MASTERS

IN MUSICAL SUBCULTURE(S)

(Sorrie in its in wrong space But can't retype this out now Ive worked on it)

Hate to say this but there are plenty of guys who I'd met or dealt with who on here wldnt be considered "officially" as Masters nor would be open&honest enough to be on a site like this nor would call themselves Masters in this capacity  But who I'd say are in every other way except for honesty and consent are like Masters to me anywayz!!

They are men who are dominant controlling sexually magnetic physically powerful and aggressive  and controlling to everyone regardless who dress masculine and dominant and who have "primal hunters instinct".....ive met many over the years in relation to punk goth & metal musics scenes and also in relation to tattoos and bikes ect some very briefly others ive known longer or were friends some were my dates (god forgive me!!) some were even among my own relatives ffs!!

But could they be trusted hell-no!! Did they have dungeons in their homes Or go to clubs no.....Did they have a suitcase full of erotic goodies?!? Again no But I'd still have to consider them as Masters not just socially in subculture because they rule but my brain and my loins and heart tells me so too!! They just are very reckless selfish dangerous kind of masters and guys....Ive learnt about most stuff in life from these kinda guys since the beginning tbh..... (esp having no mom) Believe me trans or female/male ***aged or now its not a nice way to learn about a mans/rulers world and you end up hurt and angry and eroticized both at them god and yourself (I'm in therapy now) But it is often the reality and Ive had to learn to be assertive to stand my ground to keep my own interests try to stay safe&sane to eXpress my own primitive and male nature sadomasochistic style ect going knowing these guys ARE  everywhere ruling everything!! Well everything I'm into anywayz....They don't rule kindly or even with any concept of mercy its like primitive feudalism and primitive paganism that I was raised in and around.....its s&m in its very nature at its most base&basic being ***ful harsh & binding/ blinding & it can kill you brake you make you in many kinds of ways.....unless you are determined understand the systems become a kind of master in yourself ect

But all the tendency's attitudes the look ect are there they just don't seem to have any "official " training nor much ethicacys ect.....What I know very little about is guys who are on this kinda site who have learned s&m in a regulated way Or who take on the role/title in a deliberate official Or responsible (open) way....

Don't know if I'll have experiences that will be different to what ive always known from birth?!? Or if I'll just be tough in a different way from street culture gang-culture male-dominated culture(s)

Hope so.....But who knows)

 

[MrDarcy45]

Hi everyone. New to the forum. I'm a reasonably experienced non-scene dom.

OP, although different people have different interpretations of what a BDSM relationship should mean, for me it's always been that my sub has ultimate control through their consent. IMV, nothing should happen between a dom and a sub without there being some form of consent. That consent may be implied (non use of a safeword or an opportunity to back down) or it may be explicit (discussion of boundaries and agreed limits of behaviour).

For a dom to start assuming control without the necessary precautions in place (as in this case) smacks of inexperience and borderline abusive behaviour. If nothing else, he's putting himself at risk. Most experienced doms will have come across unstable people at some point. To wade straight into coercing them to do things that are outside their comfort zone without a clear history of consent is foolhardy to say the least. It only takes one allegation to cause a deal of problems.

OP, please read about consent and aftercare. Any dom worth their salt should be offering these to you, especially if you're new to each other and outside a club or swinging environment.

[Deleted Member]

That really sounds like a bad experience. Maybe you should try to get some more advice from someone experienced and friendly(maybe from the lovely people on this website). I am also fairly new to the lifestyle and they have helped me out a lot. Also dont share revealing pics so easily and try to find out the limits pretty early in the relationship as those pics are some serious blackmail material. Maybe try online dating before doing it in actual life so that at least you get some idea of what to expect. 

Edited January 22, 2019 by Deleted Member
Miss spelled some words

[ediCinomeaD]

Namaste' and tysm for the lovely soul who had the courage to step out of their ***ful shell and expose their vulnerability to this world.  I did the same to a few bdsm chatrooms particularly using the irc format and got rather coldheartedly treated for it and I had to cry like a little girl for a few minutes to wash away the illusion of that particular vasana.  Therefore gentle and wounded soul, you have all of my deepest honour, compassion and empathy as I am going thru a very similar process.

 

If anyone would contact me personally on this matter, would be greatly appreciated :)

Om Shanti Om.