I don't think I'm a right fit for my sub gf, she deserves better

October 20, 2022

My gf is extremely submissive. She wants me to treat her like my own living sex toy 24/7 and not a human at all. Now the only reason I'm a dom is becsuse she wants me to be. I'm normally just a very relaxed person and wants others do what they want to do. I'm good with trying new things but lately it's not been good for me.

Recently we established certain rules and punishments. She admitted that she wants me to make her feel like total crap and loves it. However upon her breaking a big rule and me saying she now has to be punished for it she acted all worried and at first I was rolling with it but then she started to get quiet and now I don't know if she's trying to tell me with her silence if something is wrong or not but is unable to say it because I'll stop being a dom and talked to her like a very concerned boyfriend but she doesn't act out of scene and won't really talk to me to let me know if she is OK and becomes silent. When this happens I can't tell if she's trying to be a brat to get punished or has a real issue going on and won't talk out of scene or at all. Its also triggering my ptsd and anxiety. She also doesn't seem to like too much of me asking if she's OK.

So I do love her, but it seems like this having total and complete control over her is a big thing for her and honestly all I really want to do is hang out. I want her to be happy and I worry so much because she's had a hard life and has no real support so i don't know if she's playing like she's off or really is. She doesn't tell me, often goes quiet. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong with her? I don't think I'm fulfilling this big part of her so maybe someone else more into the should be her boyfriend rather than me. I don't think I can give her the fulfillment she deserves or wants. Plus her worries and not telling me anything is triggering my ptsd so I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. She says she likes being punished but when I'm about to punish her she acts afraid and says please no. We have a safe word but her body language says distress and I don't know what to do. I'm panicking.

Edited October 20, 2022 by HydrogenBondage

October 20, 2022

People who have this sort of kink WANT to be scared. It turns them on to be scared. Her body language will give that off, and trust that she'll use a safeword if she isnt enjoying it.

October 20, 2022

lol what kind of sub she is 😂😂😂

October 20, 2022

I love how You’re concern for the situation/her.

October 20, 2022

You need to communicate with her that the body language is a concern. If she doesnt acknowledge it then you need to push on with scene if have a estalished safe word. Do not gag her but give her ability use safe word. You having nervousness is understandable but if this is play she wants then just work your way up to it. Push through anxiety a little bit at a time and get comfortable if she not using discussed word or sign then crawl out of shell slowly.

October 20, 2022

28 minutes ago, NikFeo said:

People who have this sort of kink WANT to be scared. It turns them on to be scared. Her body language will give that off, and trust that she'll use a safeword if she isnt enjoying it.

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"trust that she'll use a safeword if she isnt enjoying it"

There has been things she said and how horrible her life has been and only has me that I'm under the impression that this isn't simply a kink, I think this is self destructive. She puts herself down all the time she shows signs of severe depression. I'm afraid if I do things wrong she'll take her own life. But I don't know if that's what I see or because I'm projecting past issues onto her from already having gone through losing someone to *** as well as my own struggle with my suicidal issues. What I do know is this is becoming detrimental to me in a short time. But I can't look out for my own issues if it means there's a chance it will cause her to take her own life. I've already lost everyone. I can't lose more people I love to death. I can't. I just fucking can't

I'm scared, and not in a good way.

Edited October 20, 2022 by HydrogenBondage

October 20, 2022

21 minutes ago, Skyvixen said:

I love how You’re concern for the situation/her.

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Is that not a normal trait?

October 20, 2022

31 minutes ago, RicanBatman said:

You need to communicate with her that the body language is a concern. If she doesnt acknowledge it then you need to push on with scene if have a estalished safe word. Do not gag her but give her ability use safe word. You having nervousness is understandable but if this is play she wants then just work your way up to it. Push through anxiety a little bit at a time and get comfortable if she not using discussed word or sign then crawl out of shell slowly.

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Communicating with other people takes a lot of effort on my part on a good day. I don't know how to let her know that the issues im having are not her fault, but she always thinks she's a bad person and the reason people in her life have issues is because of her. So I'm in like freeze mode of fight or flight or freeze right now. It's like trying to cut the right wires of a bomb to me because I feel like if I say the right thing she will take it wrong, think she's the problem, then take her own life. I don't know if she will or if I'm projecting but I'm too afraid to ask or do anything.

October 20, 2022

You need to ask, do it in a relaxed space. A easy way to discuss could be is have a little bit to drink not drunk but maybe a beer some wine or a shot. Get in a good mood, listen to music and cook and discuss it. Tell her I am stuck, I know you want me tk degradd you but your body language is what causing me to freeze. It a war inside myself and has nothing to do with you. Please communicate with me a little bit during sessions or this will continue to happen. If you want it to be 24/7 then it a give and take. I need some communication until I am get over this obstacles in my own mind and over time I will learn what you want and need. Help me help you

October 20, 2022

To degrade*

October 20, 2022

30 minutes ago, RicanBatman said:

You need to ask, do it in a relaxed space. A easy way to discuss could be is have a little bit to drink not drunk but maybe a beer some wine or a shot. Get in a good mood, listen to music and cook and discuss it. Tell her I am stuck, I know you want me tk degradd you but your body language is what causing me to freeze. It a war inside myself and has nothing to do with you. Please communicate with me a little bit during sessions or this will continue to happen. If you want it to be 24/7 then it a give and take. I need some communication until I am get over this obstacles in my own mind and over time I will learn what you want and need. Help me help you

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Thank you for your advice but I don't think I can use that. This seems more like what you would say if she was of a relatively sound mind and mood. Like if the situation was green or greenish yellow. The situation is yellow or yellowish red.

Also our relationship is long distance and she doesn't drink. How our relationship works I please ask you to not ask unless it's relevant to knowing how to help me in this situation right now and I don't believe it holds any relevance what so ever therfore it stays a mystery. I just can't take the time and energy to think of anything else right now other than solving this issue.

I'm sorry for my erratic comments, I too am not in sound mind and mood. I had a panic attack not too long ago. I really hope you and anyone else understands how this is not a nominal situation. I feel like I'm trying to diffuse a bomb.

October 20, 2022

Honestly? It sounds like you both need to take a huge step backwards and work through your issues either together or apart if it's having the kind of effect it appears to be on your relationship - because underlying all of this are your own individual issues.
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When you say your relationship is long distance - is it purely on-line/remote or do you actually meet and spend time together, and if so how often? Know you said not to ask about your relationship, but it has a huge bearing on all of this and the advice people will be able to give.
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Right now what you have is self-destructive on *both* your parts and it's that you need to change for the better - you need to understand her issues fully, and for her to understand yours - because what you have isn't D/s just borders on being ***ly abusive in some respects and in both directions.
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Would suggest removing the D/s elements from the table and discussing openly and honestly what you both want and expect from the relationship before you move on - know you've said she shuts down, but you need to find a way to get her to open up or to get help to understand her issues - and the only way you can do that is through open communication, letting her know how this is making you feel.

October 20, 2022

I faced this recently myself, I deprived sex and play until healthier boundaries were set (difficult but necessary) also we set one night a week, where we go out. No ‘Sir’ no ‘Roles’ no ‘Sex’ just open discussion/calibration. Healthy talk, a friend or parent or partner would have. Having a 24/7 live in sub is hard sometimes. Rewards are key and remember who’s training who. Your limits are important and natural too.

October 20, 2022

I don’t have anything to add, just wanted to say that I love your name OP!

October 20, 2022

i am going through a similar situation with my boyfriend, where i think our sexual needs are different and ultimately i realized that his reasons for having sex and mines were different. he has been seeking fulfillment and validation that i have seen that i can't give him, or try to give him right now. yesterday i talked with him about taking a break, so i can seek out my needs with others in a healthy way and he can work on his own needs so he is more self-fulfilled.

that may not be what is going on between you and your partner, but taking a step back from being so intimate with him let me breathe and heal myself and really listen to what i want and protect myself. i would think about what you really want in a partner and the (hard) check in with what is realistic, your energy, and what you want to do. remember you are important and have to take care of yourself/ make sure your cup isnt running dry. feel free to message me! i hope you find what you want to do, and everything will be okay.

October 20, 2022

sorry also to add on, i didnt read through the rest of the thread too well and skimmed 😅 if you are concerned about any potential suicidal thoughts she may have, you do not have to feel like you have to stick around for her if you're reaching/ at your limit. it's hard, but i would see if there is anyone else that you can ask to watch/ check in with her/ etc., so that you can take care if yourself. it took me a while to be transparent with my bf too about how worn out i was growing, and concerned about his safety i was.

October 20, 2022

last thing i wanted to add. before i asked him for a break i considered what would happen if i left things the same/ held out to what we were doing in our relationship together. i told him i needed time away from him so neither of us grow tired and resentful for not being able to fill each other's needs. i love my partner very very much, and sometimes showing your love means saying no to them.

October 20, 2022

Being a Dominant is about leadership. Take the lead. Tell her that the two of you need to talk. Perhaps it is time for the two of you to meet in person and have a serious conversation (no play, no sex).. Tell her how you feel. Telling you that she likes being punished, but telling you no each time you try to punish her is not healthy for either of you. Do you punish her reasonably... do you give her any warnings before punishments happen? What are the types of punishments you wanted to use? Have the two of you discussed what kind of behaviour would require punishment? Have the two of you discussed and agreed to what kind of punishment you would use? Has she broken the rules on purpose or not?

Also, you might want to know that punishments are not implemented in all D/s dynamics.

Also, how much of experience has she got? How about yourself?

October 20, 2022

This is off subject, but you are such a sweetheart and so caring to her. I hope she sees what a catch you are. Very lucky girl.💖

October 20, 2022

@HydrogenBondage You can't help her if you don't help and look after yourself. You have to save you before you can save anyone else.

This is having a negative effect on you so it has to stop. At least as a D/s relationship, for now anyway.

Has she/will she see her doctor? She may be depressed.

As for her submission.... I was a submissive masochist. For me, it stemmed from low self esteem and feeling worthless. (No regrets and it was what I needed at the time. I was also lucky enough to have good people around me)

Her kink may well be her way of punishing herself, an expression of how she values herself.

BDSM can be an incredibly powerful "therapy" but I think you really need to have a discussion about why she wants this.

It sounds like you're both struggling with your own demons, you can fight them together but that requires radical honesty and lots of communication.

This is a tough situation and it's difficult to offer help, it's hard to understand unless you're in that situation, you're the one living it.

Maybe show her this thread? Or write her a letter?

Sending bright blessings,

Blessed be 🙏🐺

October 20, 2022

There’s a lot going on here. The fact you said right at the start that you’re only dominant because she wants you to be is very telling. It might be that you’re just not that kind of guy or if your play with her is stirring such feelings not quite ready to take on that role full time.

That said, I’m of the firm belief that a good Dom is an empathetic one. You have to be able to put yourself in your subs shoes and understand what they’re going through, to be able to really navigate the nuances such a relationship brings.

Your genuine concern about the reasons behind her desires shows me that you’re very much in that place however you also note that you might be projecting your past trauma on to the situation.

It’s clearly very complicated and as others have said communication is the key. I won’t play with others unless we’ve talked at length about all aspects of what each of us are looking for.

Being on here, asking for help, recognising your limited understanding is a great start to finding out where you’re coming from and what you want. Only then can you see if the two of you can meet in the on some common ground.

It may be that she needs to explore this side of things with someone more experienced. That could be from you parting ways or you allowing someone to come in and help both of you progress in your relevant roles.

What I will say, reading between the lines, is it sounds like she is working through past trauma with this. Depending on the person and how much work on it they’ve done in the past, this can be healthy or not. Your concern is a valid one, it’s very easy for this to become self destructive if she feels being treated like crap is all she deserves.

You are NOT her therapist. She has however let you in because she trusts you. Probably because she sees that you’re not truly dominant at your core but are willing to do things because you want to please her.

There’s a danger here of her topping from the bottom but to be honest in these early stages of your journey, not just hers, that’s probably a good thing.

You need to communicate with her that you need her to be vocal about her wants and needs as the scene progresses so you can be reasssured she’s coming from a place of SSC rather than something destructive.

I would suggest you broach the subject of her getting therapy before you play any further so she can understand herself a bit more.

If you’re both wanting to play further then encouraging her to read and explore sites like this so she understands her responsibilities as a sub would be beneficial. Because they do have them, it’s not about the Dom doing all the work and them getting to escape from things.

As I said before you may find developing a trusting friendship with a third party who can act as an intermediary in person and/or online might be of benefit in helping you both navigate this. But be sure to discuss the boundaries of that with her at length and make sure the third party sticks to them.

Finally, you’re clearly a good person acting from a place of good faith, love and concern. Being a Dominant doesn’t mean you have to throw all that out of the window. In fact it makes you a good Dom, not a bad one.

Have confidence in that and be yourself as a Dom. Perhaps she needs something that encompasses the complete submission to your whim but also your care. It’s entirely possible that she’s just too scared of that intimacy directly due to past trauma and she’s trying to find a way to it through the only stuff she knows. She’s chosen to let you in because she sees you’ve got a good heart.

October 20, 2022

The most important things I heard here aren’t about play, but communication in general. I’m hearing that you worry she will punish you with self-harm (this type of manipulation is abusive) if you communicate openly about your boundaries and needs, and she is worried you will punish her by abruptly neglecting the D/s play she wants if she does the same. This is a dangerous dynamic for each of you, and if it were me, I would hit pause on anything between you two (play, intimate relationship) that’s not about helping one another restabilize your individual health and build the trust in one another to communicate from a lovingly honest place.

October 20, 2022

Maybe taking a step back is the best choice

Don't break up with your gf but find a local Dom to train her
That way her needs will be met
And you won't be put under all the stress you're currently in