I don't think I'm a right fit for my sub gf, she deserves better

[sc****]

Hydro, I think it’s time for you to use your safe word.
Sit her down. Express exactly what you’ve expressed here.
Looking after yourself and practicing self-preservation is not selfish. It’s sensible and healthy.

Sometimes it’s difficult to see distress across the internet. This is not one of those times.
Pinkcollargirl offered very sound advice. She mentioned play. That’s what this is all about.
Fun, pleasure, enjoyment, happiness, satisfaction.
None of that is happening.

I want to touch on the “taking her life” issue. If you sincerely think that’s true, or if she’s said as much, then it’s not yellowish red, it’s red as fuck.
You can’t help her until you help yourself at this point.
A panic attack happens because of intense ***. Your body thinks a grizzly is chasing you.
It’s hard to get out of panic because you find yourself in *** of another panic attack.
Add your ptsd to it, and brother, you’re a mess.
What you want to do in that case is carry yourself to the hospital and have them snug up all the things that are shook loose, and get back to calm.
You should call someone to give you a ride or whatever you need.

Once this passes, you need to dump all this shit on your counselor.
You’ll get there. It’ll be alright.

[HydrogenBondage]

4 hours ago, scottsh said:

Hydro, I think it’s time for you to use your safe word.
Sit her down. Express exactly what you’ve expressed here.
Looking after yourself and practicing self-preservation is not selfish. It’s sensible and healthy.

Sometimes it’s difficult to see distress across the internet. This is not one of those times.
Pinkcollargirl offered very sound advice. She mentioned play. That’s what this is all about.
Fun, pleasure, enjoyment, happiness, satisfaction.
None of that is happening.

I want to touch on the “taking her life” issue. If you sincerely think that’s true, or if she’s said as much, then it’s not yellowish red, it’s red as fuck.
You can’t help her until you help yourself at this point.
A panic attack happens because of intense ***. Your body thinks a grizzly is chasing you.
It’s hard to get out of panic because you find yourself in *** of another panic attack.
Add your ptsd to it, and brother, you’re a mess.
What you want to do in that case is carry yourself to the hospital and have them snug up all the things that are shook loose, and get back to calm.
You should call someone to give you a ride or whatever you need.

Once this passes, you need to dump all this shit on your counselor.
You’ll get there. It’ll be alright.

She's never mentioned taking her own life. It's just everything she's said, her manurisms, how she can be silent, her body language all points to a high probability she may take her own life. I also am aware that the computer that's doing the analysis (my mind) is also screwed up so the concluded data can be suspect. But also its a powerful computer (my mind) yet that power could cause the issues to be greater. But those issues might not be effecting my observations. Or I just think my observations aren't being effected. 

 

That's what goes through my mind. My mind is always analyzing things. I find concepts like quantum physics and higher dimensional abstract algebra to be easy to digest but socal interactions take a huge strain on me because there are just far too many variables and unknowns and it's hard for me to break it all down to their fundamentals in order to create a mental algorithm so I can better predict and easily move through social interactions. If you've ever seen A Beautiful Mind, I'm very much like John Forbs Nash. I may even have schizophrenia or something similar. Sometimes I wake up and run into the bathroom and hold the door shut because I think something I cant see but can is trying to kill me. I've gotten better now that I tell that thing to get out where it's weaker than me. Tiredness and exhaustion trigger it. I used to run out of the house but that was well over a decade and a half ago. 

 

My biggest problem though is I thrive in stress and discomfort. I'm addicted to it. It energizes me. I need that internal struggle. If I'm relaxed and easy I can't function. But this is also self destructive. I seek to burn myself out in order to destroy myself. 

 

Maybe I should just end things with her, relationship wise. Just be friends but take time away from speaking to her for a while. Or perhaps even block her out indefinitely. That one I don't like but its one of the options my mind is giving. But I'm thinking it may be for the best. She may take her life, she might not. I don't know but I can't worry about that. Abd if she does I have to know it's not my fault and be at peace with it. Or in my case deny my feelings for her and my memories of her until I forget she ever existed until I'm ready to deal with it. 

I'm someone that finds a conclusion then works backwards to figure out how to get there. 

One reason, but not the only reason, that made me to decide to be a dom with her is that I felt like this experience might be useful to have in case I ever come across a future issue of any subject that requires me to know what it's like to be a dom. I don't expect everyone to understand this way of thinking. It's not normal thinking but I'm not normal. But remember, I said it's one of the reasons, not the only. And also factor in my odd way of thinking. Sorry, I often have to overexplain my thinking because people too often misinterpreted me. I find myself like John Forbs Nash from A Beautiful Mind (minus the severity of his illness). Some like to say Sheldon from Big Bang Theory or Abed from Community but those are fictional and John Nash is, or was till his passing, a real person that altered governing dynamics in the world and won several Nobel prizes. 

 

 

[HydrogenBondage]

15 hours ago, WyldKatt said:

I don’t have anything to add, just wanted to say that I love your name OP!

Thank you. I think it works on many levels especially due to how a hydrogen bond is the strongest intermolecular ***, strongest *** to keep molecules in bondage if you will.

 

Also I'm a fan of word play and I love chemistry. 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

*** and “please no” are things I would say, but I absolutely don’t want it to stop—honestly, there is nothing sexier to me. That’s what safe words are for.

If it is triggering your PTSD, though, then you need to consider your own mental health and how it’s effecting you. It’s lovely that you have concern for her, but if you’ve communicated and made this arrangement, and she knows it can be amended to suit both of your changing needs, then I suggest you focus on you and how you’re effected by her request.

You can’t be there for her how she wants you to be if you’re not there for yourself too.

[Whitewullff]

On 10/19/2022 at 7:29 PM, HydrogenBondage said:

"trust that she'll use a safeword if she isnt enjoying it"

There has been things she said and how horrible her life has been and only has me that I'm under the impression that this isn't simply a kink, I think this is self destructive. She puts herself down all the time she shows signs of severe depression. I'm afraid if I do things wrong she'll take her own life. But I don't know if that's what I see or because I'm projecting past issues onto her from already having gone through losing someone to *** as well as my own struggle with my suicidal issues. What I do know is this is becoming detrimental to me in a short time. But I can't look out for my own issues if it means there's a chance it will cause her to take her own life. I've already lost everyone. I can't lose more people I love to death. I can't. I just fucking can't 

 

I'm scared, and not in a good way.

 

A lot of people here are just commenting on the situational act, which would be helpful in most situations. But I hear you loud and clear, only because I’ve been in your shoes and you’re praying to God that she would break character for a moment and speak to you normally, but no matter what you say it just gets worse. I can tell you this. This isn’t kink world she’s brought you to. It’s a dangerous situation and she needs to press pause and seek therapy for reason that you and I will never understand. I can assure you she has tried to play this out with her past bf’s and the cycle won’t break unless she seeks help. 
I know it’s hard to imagine being normal now that she’s locked in to character, but remember back to when you first met, she was able to subside this obsession long enough to pull you in.