Dom guilt, is it a thing?

[PhantomFlogger]

So ive asked this question a lot and haven't really got an answer or one im clear on.

I love woman, My literal job is protecting and caring for them, its who i was raised to be and its who i want to be, but i also like the marks i make with a cane, the way the skin raises when its ***d and the noses she makes with each impact of my flogger. Now, i know im being asked to do this, and i know ill be thanked for making her a better person or making her beautiful with the pink, red and purple marks.

But i feel so bad inside when im doing it, and when i dont feel bad doing it, i feel bad that im enjoying it.. i do it for the art not to get off.

 

So my questions are:

 

Is Dom guilt a thing?

How do i combat it without needing to be comforted by my sub 😅😅?

And should i just Dom the fuck up and get over it

[Deleted Member]

Do not Dom the fuck up, as you put it, and get over it. You need to communicate about your feelings as a Dom too. 

Dom guilt is a thing, I've heard it from several Doms. You need aftercare too. And yes, you can get that from your sub - hugs, verbal reassurance they had a good time etc etc. But you can look after yourself too. Self care. Treat yourself. If you feel bad, analyse what makes you feel that guilt and maybe talk to your partner about that...check if it's something they need or if you can adapt it so you'll not feel guilty in the future etc...

Be gentle with yourself and keep on communicating.It's really important to be honest about your emotions in any BDSM scene/relationship. 

[Deleted Member]

You deal with it by mastering you craft and by invoking empathy into your sub. Think about the danger one can put themselves in as a submissive. Being submissive as a sexual preferences means putting yourself into the hands on another. Think about how many people would take advantage. Think about how *** and trusting that person would have to be. Think about how easily an uninformed dom could ruin that. Then be thankful that they've chosen you. Get good at it for them. Communicate. Take care of that person and nurture their submissive tendencies so they need not seek it in other places. Places where harm can befall them. Open your mind and understand that 'caring for someone' doesn't just mean wrapping them in a blanket and being lovely to them. Caring for someone means providing full satisfaction - - whether they like being punished, humiliated, or spit roasted - - they need that satisfaction. And they want it to be done by someone who cares for them. So who better to do it than you?

[Si****]

Dom Guilt is definitely real. The morning after my first proper play, I was convinced I should go to the police and make a statement.

[Pringlis]

Focus on the after care make sure she knows shes cared for and loved afterwards after care makes all the difference

[ey****]

tying in with all the above - yes it's real especially if you do something like saying something nasty, hurt someone or making someone cry.  There's a lot question if things are taken too far - which is why it's important to speak with your sub.  You can make some of your aftercare part of their aftercare when reflecting what they enjoyed, what they didn't - and when gushing about how much they enjoyed something horrid you did it can put you on the right path.

But, don't take that as default, different people have different wants.

[PhantomFlogger]

Thank you so much, its great to hear this, its easy to doubt yourself when we are the ones who are meant to be in charge and are unsure

[Deleted Member]

Hi .great topic 

 

I'd say from personal experience yes . We are all brought up with certain rules impressed on us and in general we go with the flow its human nature but when you first attempt to step out of that is when issues appear. 

When first entering into real impact play (not talking a quick vannila bottom slap) the the social conditioning kicks in .

Social conditioning from and aspect good or bad is so hard to break I went though guilt , shame the whole 9 yards so to speak and there are no easy fixes but time and experience which in that you get confirmation the more confirmation the more social conditioning drops away .

In the way you see anything from spanking to *** it's about how one responds and accepts personal responsibility for how acts make you and your partner feel and  the more comfortable you become with your self .

This is a journey that some never come to the end of and are constantly evolving. 

As as been said good after care and actually talking about how you felt and your parner feels gives a sense of acceptance. 

Time ..time..Time .. it's not a sprint it's a long game .

And just to add I've known a couple of guys that thought they were cut out for this and were unable to really slap an ass dispite really wanting to there answer was when asked why .because it's wrong.  And I said wrong for one .... 

 

Hope this makes sense..

MrC.

[love_me-1143]

It is definitely a "thing". There's nothing wrong with feeling it and there's nothing wrong if you don't, people are different. I've had to reassure Doms that they're not causing me any permanent distress, but rather the opposite. Since subs and Doms - at least those who never cross over - are the opposite in terms of what they enjoy, it can be difficult to understand each other's experience. What I'd urge you to remember is that submission is a choice, that consent is present (I presume, if not there'd be a whole different conversation to have), and that emotions aren't typically dangerous.

Keep communication open and honest. You can do this best through leading by example.

[ey****]

the question of "meant to be in charge" is another one.  There's a difference between controlling a scene or a relationship to "being in charge" - ultimately drive forward something that's in both interests.

[GoddessAveena]

Dom drop. Subs get sub drop alot worse an can last up to 2 weeks Dom will get it but nowhere near as bad as subs. A sub drops a chemical in his brain and it release endorphins all at same time, rather than it being almost drip fed to the brain.

[Deleted Member]

On 12/21/2018 at 9:13 AM, GoddessAveena said:

Dom drop. Subs get sub drop alot worse an can last up to 2 weeks Dom will get it but nowhere near as bad as subs. A sub drops a chemical in his brain and it release endorphins all at same time, rather than it being almost drip fed to the brain.

I disagree you cant say one is worse than the other 

And each has a endorphin and adrenalin drop and each person is different and in that you cant make a sweeping statement of this type .

[Ol_Sparky]

Anyone who thinks Dom drop is less a thing thsn sub drop has clearly never suffered it is all I’ll say...

[ey****]

regardless. this thread isn't about Dom drop - it's about the feelings of guilt.  

[Deleted Member]

23 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

regardless. this thread isn't about Dom drop - it's about the feelings of guilt.  

Yes but at times misguided views need answering .

[Mollysdailykiss]

Absolutely 200% a thing and some thing my Dom grappled with early on in our relationship but he spent a lot of time reading and talking to other dominants which helped him to realise that as long as it is consensual and the other person is asking for it and getting off on it then if he is doing the same, what a wonderful fulfilling loop that is. I don't think you need to stop yourself from getting off on it either, unless it really doesn't tick your boxes but then I would wonder why you would do it.... You can totally get a buzz from it, the key is that other person is experiencing a buzz as well.

As others have said, after care is important, connecting with that person after you have 'hurt' them enable you both to understand each others experiences and support each other with how you feel afterwards.

Mollyx

[Deleted Member]

If it goes against the core values you were raised by then of course it’s a thing!

Personally, I prefer impact play to be separate from punishment, because for me, I strive to be a great submissive and i don’t want any negative associations to affect my enjoyment of the pleasure.

Now consider the physiological affect of *** on the human body (increased adrenaline, heightened senses preparing for potential fight or flight) then apply pleasure - you are literally treating your submissive to a pleasure experience ramped up to the max!!!

If the overall experience is simply for you both to explore and feel amazing after & everyone is on board, what’s to feel bad about?

xx