Just figured out I'm poly...

November 15, 2022

My partner and I have been engaged for 2 years, and I love him with every fiber of my being. He works hard for me and our kids, so we can afford a nice comfortable life. So I'm having a hard time trying to get him to do new things... he's tired after working 12 hours a day 5 days a week. So I try not to push, but I feel like there is a disconnect in our sex life. I want other partners to fill just this one aspect that he can't give me, and I know it will hurt him and he will think I just want to cheat on him. I would love to find a woman to date both of us, to live with us as a family and grow together. I'm so scared to say something about it to him. I wish he could see that I'm not trying to take from our relationship, but to bring more love into our lives. How would you address this topic with your partner?

November 15, 2022

Say good bye to your relationship then. I bet when you tell him he will tell you to get F.

November 15, 2022

And it will clarify for him that he shouldn't be with you

November 15, 2022

You have to be honest, cause either you’ll be unhappy like you are now, or unhappy if it doesn’t pan out when you tell him and he gets upset.

November 15, 2022

I'd bring it up as a joke. It'll make him think about it. Then he'll bring it up as a suggestion or just as a causal conversation. It would seem like it was his idea. But it would be difficult to have a poly relationship and kids. I would ease them into it as well. I'd be hella jealous if you get this to work for you and your fiancé. Good luck.

November 15, 2022

Well, you have to think about what your partner is experiencing.

You summarize it quite well really: he's working long, hard hours to support you and your ***.

And he knows that he's exhausted from working so much, that he doesn't have the energy, nor mental capacity to engage in sex often because of it.

He likely wants to engage in sex, but can't because of all the time and energy he has to invest in supporting and entire family, with luxuries to boot.

So with that in mind, how do you believe it is best to approach him?

Have you considered intiating sex him as a start? To demonstrate that he will always be the priority because of the sacrifices he is making?

Have you considered explaining to him why you desire a female partner in the home, besides her involvement in sex (i.e. how does she participate in the household, since she would be potentially living there too/ what will be his obligations for providing for this other partner?)

You may want to consider reading The Polyamorous Home by Jess Mahler prior to engaging in thus conversation. Mahler and her primary partner have practiced polyamory with multiple partners in home for over two decades and are routinely consulted on the topic.

November 15, 2022

Honestly get ready for them to not agree. Being poly is something that should be figured out way before something like this because it’s unfair to the other person. I know for you, you need your needs but others who aren’t need their needs

November 15, 2022

7 minutes ago, Meu_Homem said:

I'd bring it up as a joke. It'll make him think about it. Then he'll bring it up as a suggestion or just as a causal conversation. It would seem like it was his idea. But it would be difficult to have a poly relationship and kids. I would ease them into it as well. I'd be hella jealous if you get this to work for you and your fiancé. Good luck.
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That is some of the worst advice I've ever seen.

Subtle manipulation is ***. If you can't be honest in a relationship, you shouldn't be in one.

This topic, like all others, need to be discussed transparently. It is ridiculous that anyone on a kink website would suggest different.

November 15, 2022

28 minutes ago, Random_npc said:

And it will clarify for him that he shouldn't be with you

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Wow you’re quite a piece of work. The poster came for advice and guidance and you completely demolished her with just a few words. Maybe look at yourself and consider what a shit person you were to her in her moment of need and figure out why you lashed out at her. I suspect someone was shit to you when you needed help and now you want to pay it forward 🙄
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Don’t be that guy. If you can’t be nice, sit the f**k down and remain quiet.

November 15, 2022

My husband and I began doing the poly thing 4 years into our relationship, about a year before we got married. I brought it up first. It takes a ton of honest communication and checking in but it’s possible.

November 15, 2022

My wife is very open to those things, I think it comes from a lot of open and honest conversations and honestly kind of indirect ones. You have to start it slow

November 15, 2022

The only way you will ever know for sure is to talk it through with him, be open and honest - don't necessarily go all guns blazing from the off as this being something you absolutely "want" and don't make it about him not fulfilling your needs either.
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Sit him down, away from the bedroom, and gently raise the subject of additional partners - could be in a "I've fantasised about this" kind of way to gauge his reaction - if he reacts positively you can then broaden the discussion to "how would you feel about trying this" - BUT you have to be prepared to accept he may say it's not for him.
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Before you do any of that though, are you sure it's what *you* want? Or is it just a fantasy? One perhaps born out of missing his attentions, despite the very valid reasons for them being absent currently?
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Maybe a place to start would be to deal with that side of things first, find some "you and him" time on a regular basis - get that side of things back on an even keel and then see how you feel kind of thing.

November 15, 2022

Have the conversation with him. Me and my partner are in the same situation. My sex drive doesn't meet her needs, and my kinks aren't fulfilled. But we love each other more than anything. So have decided on filling those needs elsewhere.

November 15, 2022

1 hour ago, CristianB said:

My wife is very open to those things, I think it comes from a lot of open and honest conversations and honestly kind of indirect ones. You have to start it slow
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How slow are we talking?

November 15, 2022

If this is how you feel, and there is no other way for you to find the satisfaction that you crave, then the only way forward is to have that - perhaps difficult conversation - or conversations with him.

It may take time, but if you approach it right, and he is a reasonable person, then you will be fine.

How to approach it ? - you know him, I don’t so that part I can’t help with I’m afraid - but as gemini_man mentions above - don’t go in all guns blazing… and pick you moment. Try to find a time when he isn’t tired or focused on other things - so he can make your thoughts a priority. For me, the best time to approach a new subject like this would be just after sex or play…. Both of you will be relaxed and happy. Rather than hitting him with the idea of a full on poly relationship, why don’t you start by asking him if he has ever wanted a threesome with two girls ?

Make it about both of you - not just you, and not just him. Make sure he knows that you want to experience this too.
Test the water. If the idea excites him (and you) then explore how you might make that happen … the planning - and the anticipation can be as much fun as the actual experience. Move slowly. Organise that threesome, and make sure you discuss it afterwards … gauge his level of interest. Did he feel threatened ?… was it the ‘best experience ever’?

That would be a good starting point I think ?

Above all, don’t try to rush it. Be patient, and I think that will pay you dividends.

November 15, 2022

I can understand and it's important that you relate to him. Be it a woman or a man...maybe you need both. Maybe he also wants to have another woman. You can find me on my profile

November 15, 2022

Have you gone down this path together at all yet? Have you had a threesome with another woman? I would think you could start with that. Assuming you both enjoy that, you might find that you have more fun when you play with someone you know better (as opposed to a one night stand), so you look for women who fit with you as a couple better. Quite naturally it could lead down the path you describe you want. Jumping right to “I’m poly and want to have a girlfriend who lives with us” would definitely scare me out of the gate.

November 15, 2022

I think first you should truly know the kind of woman You desire and is that the kind of woman he would enjoy taking care of as well. Do you want her to work or are both of you the stay at home type. Will she need a lot of high maintenance and attention from him or just you. Who will she truly be loyal to you or both? And jus be kind considerate and Understanding when you bring up the topic

November 15, 2022

As in "Polly put the kettle on"?

November 15, 2022

my wife and I had been together a few years before we discussed any form of ENM, so it's not too late to raise
However, you might not get the response you want

Also, finding someone to be in a relationship with you *both* is going to be very challenging, and if he is working particularly long hours, then it will be easier for you to find prospective partners for yourself, than he will for himself, due to simply having more time.

That's not to say don't raise this. You are clearly not happy and doing nothing will not revoke your unhappiness. You need to have a conversation sooner rather than later and also be braced that you might not get the answers you want. If the relationship ends - then you can start afresh to find the relationships you want - if it could work, then, winning! But, of course to consider this will be a new emotional territory for him and you may need to lend extra support.

November 15, 2022

10 hours ago, Meu_Homem said:

I'd bring it up as a joke. It'll make him think about it. Then he'll bring it up as a suggestion or just as a causal conversation. It would seem like it was his idea. But it would be difficult to have a poly relationship and kids. I would ease them into it as well. I'd be hella jealous if you get this to work for you and your fiancé. Good luck.
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Utter nonsense

November 15, 2022

If you play with fire, you will get burnt.

November 15, 2022

Definitely not bring "another woman" into this. You need to communicate clearly and be ***. The reality is, you won't know how your partner will react until the moment you tell him. So, the goal would become:

1-when to bring it up? After work? After sex? Pillow talk Saturday morning? It really depends on your dynamic and when is he most open to new things, especially sexual, relationships.

2- how to bring it up? Some say yes jokingly, some say sit him down like a good boy and seriously .... no one can tell you, really, besides your partner himself. Is he more open when yall are playful? Is he more contemplative person, like me that needs a little time to process? Only you know that.

3- what to bring up? Your needs? His inadequacy? Desire and ambition or need and unsatisfaction?

One piece of advice: your problems are NOT going to be fixed by bringing "another woman" into this for both of you to date. So, DO NOT BRING ANOTHER WOMAN INTO THIS IN THE HOPE OF FIXING YOUR PROBLEMS.
1) you have no idea how hard that is to find, create, and sustain.
2) it will NOT be fixed with another woman.
3) the unpredictability of that dynamic is way too much for those who are not poly and have NOT DEALT WITH JEALOUSY to handle and maintain.
4) even for experienced poly kinky people (I have been both for over a decade) it is too much to navigate.

What if after a month she wants out? What if she decides she actually is more into you than your husband, or into your husband than into you? What if your husband wants to spend more time with her than you?

Twice in my own life this dynamic has happened and I was one of the lucky ones because she broke off with my partner but wanted to continue to date me. I didn't want to. Another time, I didn't want to continue with the one that was attracted to both of us. In a different triad I saw the guy leaving his primary for the new relationship cause it was waaaayyyyy toooo much fun. So, be very mindful of what you want another person in your relationship. The equivalent is those couple who have major problems and thinking that by having a kid things will get fixed. How many times has that happened in the history of mankind? Your odds are just as good in bringing another fully grown human with all her needs and desires into a relationship that already lacks in that area. Fix the duo first, then make it a trio. Adding another person into this is as good as bringing a water hose to an electrical fire!

I hope I didn't come across as harsh. You deserve happiness and fulfillness. But that must come from inside first, and then you can add to it.

For anyone new to this journey I have two words: COUPLE'S THERAPY.

Good luck on your journey.

November 15, 2022

Ok this isn’t may area of expertise so I won’t weigh in on this personally however you might find looking up TheKinkShrink on fetlife to be helpful both for some of her writings and her video discussions/workshops. Particularly her latest on jealousy and also the one she did at the recent LAM. Someone raised that exact question (I think it was at the LAM workshop, but may have been the jealousy one).

That aside… to all the people doomsaying… really? You have no idea what her partner and her relationship is like or how they will react. Stop projecting. If you have nothing constructive to add to a conversation maybe look at why you feel the need to weigh in at all.

November 15, 2022

If he’s already exhausted & got too much on his plate, I don’t recommend bringing another into the relationship. Sounds like he’s got too much going on as it is.