Molly's BDSM Tips | How Do I Train My Sub When He's Married?

[Mollysdailykiss]

So my latest BDSM advice piece is up on Fetish.com, but what are your thoughts on the subject?  Below is the question from the Fetish.com member...

Dear Molly,
I’m a Dom who has a sub who is married to someone else (please don’t judge). I'm currently training him by not letting him come, so I’ve got him edging daily etc. I am looking to do this long-term, but I understand he needs to have sex with his wife still every so often, so how do I manage this into his sub training? Should I make him think of something bad when he comes with her? We have talked about it, and neither of us really know how to work around it. From what he tells me they don’t have sex often and he doesn’t initiate it anymore, but would it look suspicious if he refused her advances as well?  It’s a hard one, so any advice you could suggest would be good. FYI, I have tried to ask him to leave her, but they have a 5-year-old together, and he doesn’t want to leave because of his son.
Anonymous H

Read my response in the Fetish.com magazine here

[Happytwo]

I liked your article Molly. Great advice and non judgemental. Thanks

[Mollysdailykiss]

3 minutes ago, Happytwo said:

I liked your article Molly. Great advice and non judgemental. Thanks

Thank you. It was a tricky one for sure

[ey****]

I like the article and the wording very much so.

Perhaps, if a guest blog was welcomed, I could do one explaining my personal situation - my Mistress and wife not only know about each other, but get along, which I appreciate is a rare mine (but I know I'm not the only person out there in this situation) and my Mistress has Her own family as well as other subs - Her relationship with each sub is bespoke : so one of Her subs is in chastity, but others are not.  Others are allowed to only edge as part of a nightly ritual - I must only do this if it doesn't impact my wife.   

[MrDarcy45]

I think Anonymous H needs to be realistic with himself, he’s almost certainly being played by his sub. The cliché about the man who “hardly ever” has sex with his wife but who won’t leave her is a cliché for a reason. Let’s not collude with Anonymous H on this, the best advice we can give him is that this isn’t likely to end well for him, or give him what he wants.

I also think that the only ethical way to proceed with this relationship is to accept that any time that his sub is away from him is nothing to do with him. To do otherwise would be to violate his sub’s wife’s reasonable expectation of privacy. 

IMV the bottom line here is that if you’re going to have an affair with a married person, then you have to accept the limitations that come with the territory.

Apologies if this is an unpopular opinion, but there’s no point in having ethical principles if we discard them at will.

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I like the article and the wording very much so.

Perhaps, if a guest blog was welcomed, I could do one explaining my personal situation - my Mistress and wife not only know about each other, but get along, which I appreciate is a rare mine (but I know I'm not the only person out there in this situation) and my Mistress has Her own family as well as other subs - Her relationship with each sub is bespoke : so one of Her subs is in chastity, but others are not.  Others are allowed to only edge as part of a nightly ritual - I must only do this if it doesn't impact my wife.   

I'll pass this on to the person who deals with the magazine :) 

[ey****]

5 hours ago, MrDarcy45 said:

I think Anonymous H needs to be realistic with himself, he’s almost certainly being played by his sub. The cliché about the man who “hardly ever” has sex with his wife but who won’t leave her is a cliché for a reason. Let’s not collude with Anonymous H on this, the best advice we can give him is that this isn’t likely to end well for him, or give him what he wants.

I think, first off - there's no indication to the gender of H.  While 'Domme' would be clear it's a female Dominant.  'Dom' could be either.

I think you're thinking narrowly in conventional relationships.  We know the cliche, as you say, of the guy who won't leave his wife but likes a bit excitement on the side - but while some people do have D/s as part of their conventional relationship - but some have/want D/s to be separate.    And someone can be in a perfectly loving relationship where they feel it's D/s that's missing with a partner whom is unable/unwilling to indulge that side.  

But, as you say.  If one person sees it as 'excitement on the side' and the other wants a full time relationship then there is going to be mismatch and one or both will be unsatisfied. 

   

Quote

IMV the bottom line here is that if you’re going to have an affair with a married person, then you have to accept the limitations that come with the territory.

i.e. exactly what the article says.

[Mollysdailykiss]

So I will say that I do know that Anonymous H is female. I also think that we can't judge whether someone is being played or not because we just don't have enough detail or know enough about the relationship. I do know that it is clearly a complex situation but as I said in my piece his married life needs to be ring fenced from their D/s dynamic

Mollyx

[michaelc]

It’s a dilemma but if your spouse doesn’t give you the opportunity to explore your fetish as they’re not that way inclined and you don’t want to cheat then it’s surely reasonable to find another way of satisfying your desire. 
 

I’m personally in that situation and frankly jealous of the original poster’s sub as I’d love something like that. My need for someone who’s dominant is the reason I’m on this site but I don’t want to cheat on my wife. She’s wonderful and I love her but I can’t change her nature and it’s not fair to demand something she doesn’t really want to do.

I doubt I could bring myself to visit a professional Domme as it would feel disloyal although I’ve thought about it. I fantasise that I could justify myself if it was purely non-sexual but of course it would be if only in my mind.

So I’m intrigued by this story. Maybe you should tell him to initiate sex with his wife as a duty for being submissive? And immediately on your instruction. Also, he could ruin his orgasm with a little bit of control.

 I’m going off on a tangent here but I think it’s a lovely situation for both of you and you should make the most of it.