Mentorships

[PhantomFlogger]

I want to be the best Dom i can be, 

I come into this hoping to meet a partner to learn with, but I have come to realise id much rather have a better understanding of BDSM and the community before moving into actual play.

Ive read books, watched so many videos and joined in on many chats on here but ive decided i want to be mentored.

How do i go about finding myself some sort of apprenticeship?

Should i even be seeking this route?

What should i be looking for?

 

My motivation is as such:

I dont want to go into any scene with a partner and not be at least 80% into my Dom journey, its not about being great for my ego, its about giving my partner the best chance at meeting the best Dom i can be, and not wasting precious play times on me thumbling through what i think or read is right.

 

Id love advice from you beautiful creatures, how and where do i find a mentor if there are no classes in my area?

Edited January 2, 2019 by PhantomFlogger
Made more sense

[Mi****]

Hi and congratulations to you on doing the basic research, mentorship is a great way to proceed from where you're at at the moment so long as you choose the right mentor.

I run MissT's which is a dungeon event space (shameless plug!!) where our staff offer a mentorship type of experience. We will give advice and help to any newbie who requests it showing them how to use equipment and toys and what kind of results they can expect from them.

I would suggest that you visit your local munches and events even if they dont offer the same service that we do they may well be able to give you names of reputable safe players who would be willing to mentor you. At the very least you will get to see people actually playing rather than just reading about it and you can learn so much by watching.

Good luck I hope you enjoy your journey into kink

[Jed]

Hi Phantom...its pleasing to see you reach out for advice, all to often many enter the lifestyle with too much bravado and little knowledge, and that's a recipe for disaster. @MissTillysue has offered sound advice with regard to getting yourself to a local munch/club event where you get to immerse yourself with people who have walked the walk so to speak, as you develop the necessary skills with impact play, rope work , toys etc you must also consider the psychological elements that a good D will possess, having this insight is a powerful tool and will stand you in good stead for your future. Being a Dominant is not just about what you are but more importantly what you can become and this applies to whomever you decide to nurture under your hand. There are no time limits here, in fact taking your time is exactly the right approach. Feel free to pm me if I can be of any help. Good luck on your journey.

[Deleted Member]

A mentor is a great idea I know I had one .but also lets not lose the point your not trying to do it there way so learn apply and modify to suit your style .

this also changes with each s type you modify your approach to suit each individual .

We all have different ways of doing things and differnt mindsets but all very similar key values. 

Good luck on your journey. 

MrC ..

 

[PhantomFlogger]

6 minutes ago, Mrchristopher70 said:

A mentor is a great idea I know I had one .but also lets not lose the point your not trying to do it there way so learn apply and modify to suit your style .

this also changes with each s type you modify your approach to suit each individual .

We all have different ways of doing things and differnt mindsets but all very similar key values. 

Good luck on your journey. 

MrC ..

 

Ive had a think about this, obviously you have seen me around, you may even know my job and how this environment effects my learning.. but my question stems from an insecurity place, "am i ready to take control" i have the acadamia, i have the empathy, the desire and confidence..

But ultimately i will never agree that im ready until someone more knowledgeable tells me im safe to do so. I want to be tested and i want to fail, then i want to learn.. just now i feel im too confident and that makes me worry that im an idiot 😂

[Deleted Member]

Only one person can judge if you are ready and that is you. Someones view is not always the only view.  don't be blinded by the need for the conformation of others and work on conformation of ones self . Self acceptance is key

Someone can teach how to act how to assert your self how to spank , flog and tease but not how to grow that's on you . 

This is a long game take your time knowing your self is the key to this journey and when you think you are going slow ...slow some more .. 

 

Maybe a little ramble but hey ...

 

 

[MrDarcy45]

OP do you have a partner currently?

I've found that the best way to learn is with a submissive partner. Talking about what we've done, or are going to do can be as much fun as doing it. That way I get loads of feedback and we both have fun.

[PhantomFlogger]

1 hour ago, MrDarcy45 said:

OP do you have a partner currently?

I've found that the best way to learn is with a submissive partner. Talking about what we've done, or are going to do can be as much fun as doing it. That way I get loads of feedback and we both have fun.

No i dont, i see your train of thought and id agree with you as that is the track i would take usually... but no serious sub should feel safe allowing a noob to practice on them, which means only noob subs would want to date me and i don't feel the blind should lead the visually impaired. I wish to avoid trial and error

[ey****]

There are probably more options available to you than seems.  Per above if you have a local dungeon that runs events/parties - as suggested above - there are many options.   I imagine many would have somebody worth a discussion with, whether it's someone who can show you themselves or make recommendations or if nothing else, watching and talking with others is a great learning tool.

I did a lot of people watching when I was starting out.

If there's any scope for workshops that's also a bit more hands on, I remember at an early workshop a Mistress helped me with my posture for getting more out of using my toys.   We don't really have workshops  up here any more which is such a shame but I have travelled for some and my recommendations include Club DVS in London - and - well - Miss Tilly Sues.

Another option could also be to pay a pro for mentoring, but do consider this could rack up to be quite expensive - because you could effectively be paying for the time of a Dominant and submissive and the room/premise hire.

I personally got a lot of experience volunteering at an event - I did know the person who ran it quite well before volunteering - but it's a school/CP event and this again had advantages of watching while learning and hands on guidance when using implements which helped me gain skills using  a range of implements on a range of people.

-

A couple of other points from above.  While ultimately your own style is important, the more confidence you can gain from a mentor the more you can later translate this into your own style.  I would also say to get info from more than one source.   I've actually done a lot of learning through subbing to other people - but this is a slight switch advantage.

As for trial and error - no matter how good you are there will always be mistakes.  Mistakes are also important because if you learn how you make them you learn how to recover from them.

[saphy]

*applauds from the shadows* 

This post in itself is a step in the right direction @PhantomFlogger. Every Dominant will GAIN the respect earned by Their motives, intentions and how They handle themselves. I believe, Your potential to become a well seasoned Dominant is by far apparent. Kudos and blessed paths to You. 

[MrDarcy45]

3 hours ago, PhantomFlogger said:

No i dont, i see your train of thought and id agree with you as that is the track i would take usually... but no serious sub should feel safe allowing a noob to practice on them, which means only noob subs would want to date me and i don't feel the blind should lead the visually impaired. I wish to avoid trial and error

I can't speak for everyone, and I certainly can't speak for "serious subs", however I think that a decent attitude goes a very long way. Most of the submissive women that I've been involved with are most concerned about being able to trust the person that they're with, communicate with them and feel safe in a scene with them.

I honestly don't think that there's a way to avoid learning anything without making mistakes. IMV the trick is putting things in place that minimises the risk of harm when mistakes happen, rather than thinking that you can avoid them outright. 

[ey****]

a lot is in the set up.  I remember vividly whilst still, what I felt to be, learning - playing with someone publicly who wasn't my partner and she was well aware of my abilities - but - it was in a public dungeon, there were monitors - her sub at the time was also on hand - I was getting the odd whisper from them of things she may particularly like (or appropriately dislike) and if I'd been reckless there were countless people to stop the scene.    

Someone quite experienced misjudged the other night and caused a mishit on me.  But, my preferred reaction to a mishit is acknowledgement - this isn't interupting the scene with an overblown apology but taking a couple of seconds for me to get any breath back from the miss hit and temporarily breaking the rhythm before carrying on as in "it happens" - so again, learning how to recover from mistakes helps.

[PhantomFlogger]

47 minutes ago, saphy said:

*applauds from the shadows* 

This post in itself is a step in the right direction @PhantomFlogger. Every Dominant will GAIN the respect earned by Their motives, intentions and how They handle themselves. I believe, Your potential to become a well seasoned Dominant is by far apparent. Kudos and blessed paths to You. 

Haha.. if i ever need a CV im coming to you 😁

[BigPolly]

For me my experience when I was a Domme came from attending Fet Clubs & watching, talking to people & learning through them. However I was lucky to get to volunteer alongside the clubs resident Domme & learnt a whole new range of techniques etc that way. Now as a sub I think the main thing that catches my eye is confidence. A lot of confidence comes from knowledge but it also comes from within. If you are confident enough in yourself, your ways & your techniques then you’re winning. You also have to have to confidence to accept that if something isn’t working the way you’d hoped or has a negative reaction or like @eyemblacksheep says ‘goes a little wrong’ then don’t take it personally as none of us ever stop learning. I think you’re already ahead of many simply by having the correct attitude 😊