So, what are you doing about it?

[ey****]

"I'd love to that one day"
"I wish that was me"
"I'd love the opportunity to do that"

So on, so forth.

My simple question is...
So, what are you doing about it?

There's a lot where context is going to be important.

So, you might one day want to visit a certain country - and it might not be important you go there immediately, but you can save up - perhaps learn the basics of the language in your own time to help you when you get there and there might be a little "there's always next year".

But, you also kind of also know - that this is on you.  Nobody is going to come along at random to you and whisk you to that country at their expense.

So, now we talk about kink.

Particularly around January time a lot of people talk of things they'd like to do.  Many people write little bucket lists and work towards them.  But those who tend to achieve things tend to make the steps to make them happen... or, potentially, seeds were already being sewn.

Some goals of course are a little easier than others.
If you dream of being/having a live-in-slave then this has a very low remit for success and will certainly take a while.... but this doesn't mean you can't start making steps.

But it might be simpler.  You might just want to try a specific fetish or enter a relationship.  These are much easier but won't occur just by being sat behind your computer.

Obviously. If you've chosen to read this, or have signed up for one website or another than this is a start.  But, let's simplify.

Let's say you want a romantic partner who is into rock music.
First off, you're probably not going to try to meet them in a dance club - although there is an advantage that if you both feel out of place you can save each other!
But, the best place might be to go where people who like rock music are or go.  This could involve going to rock bars and clubs.  Into going to concerts and festivals.  You might sign up for forums for the hope of meeting someone, but ultimately that constantly interacting with people of similar interests helps keep you up to s***d and boosts your own knowledge.

No matter how clever you already think you are - there's always something new to learn and - of course - always new albums/concerts/etc.

You probably should also know that just by doing this there is absolutely no certainty you will meet anyone but by being in the right places it automatically boosts your chances.

But, equally.  There are other steps beyond that. And most of this is common sense, but if you start turning up places with poor personal hygiene, often looking scruffy or simply being rude or demanding - then this gives you a bad reputation and goes against you.

This is certainly common sense when it comes to going out and about, I'd hope, but this is somewhere I think a lot of people do fail online.

Lazy and untidy profiles.  Off-putting profile pics (i.e. dick pics).  Poor attitudes in online discussions.

It's true you can do everything right and still not get the desired results, but the more sloppy you are around the edges the more off-putting you become.

So, while signing up on a forum and saying "Hi, I'm new" is arguably a start. It's not really "putting yourself out there" so to speak.

I feel it's important to treat online as a reflection and an accompaniment to what you're doing "In real life" rather than a replacement.

One thing I've often said is that when it comes to kink it's no a sprint it's a marathon, but just by being in the race gives you a chance to contribute and be noticed.

Whether this is because you are carrying a fridge on your back to stand out, or helping others... it's being noticed.

But this is still part of the picture.

I sometimes think it's difficult if you know you're kinky but have never had a kinky relationship.
See, if you're in a relationship and decide to explore kink together that can kind of work.  But, sometimes you can be in this weird lull where you're either trying to meet someone to "convert" when this is still something new-ish to you.  Or you're finding it difficult because... well... it's a bit creepy for experienced people to be seeking out the inexperienced, isn't it?

But, there are multiple options to boost your experience.

Munches/Events - go where the kinky people go
Workshops - learn more hands on
Online Reading/Tutorials - boost your own knowledge
Seek a Mentor - although someone is going to need some form of incentive to mentor you.  So easier if combined with the above.

And you know, if you're interest is solely around one specific fetish or fantasy then you can cut to the chase and simply pay a pro.

The above is not exhaustive.

But, a lot of this is how important and what sort of timescales?

I've had my own problems and setbacks at times.  The positives are that I'm only 37 and see time ahead of me.  I know people who didn't start their kink journeys until in their 60s.

Look at the opportunities around you and make progress towards your end goal.  Accept that you can do everything right and still not quite get what you'd like, so don't be afraid to occasionally tweak course.

None of us really know it all.  But, while having a guide is helpful - this is ultimately off your own back...

[Deleted Member]

Well said. From personal experience all that holds me back is confidence. Each year I'm on the scene I'm getting more of that and I've done more than I'd have ever dreamed of a few years ago.  :)

[Cockinudeep]

Waiting for you my girl

 

[ey****]

1 hour ago, VictoriaBlisse said:

Well said. From personal experience all that holds me back is confidence. Each year I'm on the scene I'm getting more of that and I've done more than I'd have ever dreamed of a few years ago.  :)

yeah, confidence has been a big blow for me at times and has held me back.  But, with what I've done/achieved just by 'being involved' - it shows it can go a long way

[idlehands60]

That;s a very well written piece of advice, and the confidence thing is a killer, being new there is a lot of apprehension about joining in, not knowing how you would be received, or if you have anything useful to add to posts and so on. It is a catch 22 thing you gain confidence by being a part of the scene, but you have to get over the apprehension to do it.    

[Deleted Member]

53 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

yeah, confidence has been a big blow for me at times and has held me back.  But, with what I've done/achieved just by 'being involved' - it shows it can go a long way

 

Oh, definitely. And being involved leads to confidence. When you're comfortable around people it's easier to casually show interest in things and from there scenes are born. :) 

2 minutes ago, idlehands60 said:

That;s a very well written piece of advice, and the confidence thing is a killer, being new there is a lot of apprehension about joining in, not knowing how you would be received, or if you have anything useful to add to posts and so on. It is a catch 22 thing you gain confidence by being a part of the scene, but you have to get over the apprehension to do it.    

 

You always have your own, personal experience to add, that is unique and always useful. :)  It is nerve-wracking at first, taking the plunge is the scariest bit. It gets easier from there. The unknown becomes the more known and eventually becomes the well known. But if you don't dip your toe in first, you'll never know what it's like to swim. 

[idlehands60]

You are so right and posts like this make it so much easier to dip that toe in and test the waters a bit. i have been here a few weeks and slowly building more confidence to take part in things going on. its all about learning and contributing to building up that confidence.

[Deleted Member]

I do enjoy reading these posts 👌🏾 and always try to point people in the direction of this site.. no matter how experienced one thinks they are, or however confident... knowledge is the ultimate power and there’s ALWAYS something new to learn... everyday...

[RosesHaveThorns75]

You can seriously know your into stuff like fetish or have done Bits&bobs in the past and still lose a lot of confidence suddenly...... I have problems doing goals generally due to medical reasons so I'm seriously wondering how on earth now?!? Might as well be a beginner again now......As past experience was too long ago Having a strong interest dosnt make me "ready to go" what ***ps might eXpect?!? I joined up fast before I lost the web link because I know if you do can be trickery to find again-for ages......Privacy is one reason I didn't go any further with this interest cause I'm kinda retro like that Will it put ***ps off?!? I need this interest to be hidden somewhere like here Or the stress/guilt tbh will just "shut me down"......My family background was all pretence ie nothing was brought to light or honest ....its very wrong of them But I feel inhibitions strongly now@Awkward

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Difficult cause fantasy's often show up complete in our heads even continually rolling along like a film-reel But to translate that into "real life" all goals need braking down into smaller parts....

[ey****]

yep - smaller parts being broken down is very important for any kind of big goals or big steps.

When it comes to confidence, unfortunately not something I think most could/should micromanage from within.

There are factors others can do that help build or confidence, but there's a lot... it gets complex.  A wondeful surprise to boost my confidence is one thing, but me feeling like somebody doing something because they think I need a perk up is another.

And yeah, I could sidetrack here, but there was a moment last year I felt very much on the "scrap heap" so to speak.

I'd been quite active and doing a lot of filming - I felt a bit sad coming back from Germany having nothing yet booked in.... but then... nothing... then more nothing.

And a few things locally also helped beat my confidence down.   I ended up having to take a break from pretty much all social media (I was off here as well during that point) cos it just felt everyone else was having fun except me - and - I almost shut things down until I could build myself up again.

Plans I had were getting cancelled either because the other person changed their mind (fair) or other circumstances - but it really gave me a kicking.

And it's difficult - but - I had to put myself through the process again.

I'm still not at my strength - but - there are things I'm up to and working on which again should help me.

I think it's important to not lose site and know it might be a few steps back - but - anything you've done before, you can do again....

[Mi****]

Its so easy to have your confidence knocked and building it back up again is never easy but small steps with an understanding partner or even building friendships with likeminded people helps a lot

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Seems like me just having a transgender identity ect being different in my identity(s) generally maybe a problem on here?!? Or maybe I'm just gonna think that anywayz?!? I do feel a tad defensive that I'm gonna be sidelined Or ignored on here atmo?!? Ive just tried to be honest in my profile) But I feel I don't know to "integrate" I'm not lazy ive tried to contribute and join in-maybe too much-too manicly) But I love to read/write so.....Guess all lifestyles have down times static times and just mismatches whatever your interests are....even in Fetish lifestyle which seems glamour and excitement in portrayal?!? But now seems very tricky to organise and control in reality(s) Most sites I'm member of I have my guy mates/my buddies who like music ect like me so that gives me an anchor whatever the ups&downs of the site-time(s) Don't know where the metal.biker guys are on here?!? Can I advertise for a mate/friend on here for that?? Otherwise I'm kinda stuck feeling....though I'm learning loads via the titles/prices that's great)

 

[ey****]

I think online in particular a lot of kink chatter can be very cis and het.   I know there have been other transfolk in and out of both here and other sites; but then you often have the problem of 'chasers' and those who fetishise transfolk rather than, you know, treat them like another human.   Socially, I have found communities a bit easier for transfolk, not saying it is easy - I'm a cis/het/white male (woo, jackpot) but certainly that can be of help.   

[Dearelliot]

being older and married to a vanilla does present problems to getting involved in the lifestyle.  Now I do use pros, and it works for me, Would I like to be involved in the more social aspects, of course, but  realistically  my wife isn't interested and that  is the way it is.

Sure we talked she doesnt find the lifestyle appealing,  

[Happytwo]

Great advice. I’ve found building confidence comes by taking action and not listening to the voice in your head that says ‘you can’t do it’ ‘it won’t work’  and ‘your not good enough’. 

[ey****]

confidence is an interesting thing.

you often can't win with it.   

As a general rule - doing things and getting lower than expected results can hurt your confidence (but, always worth raising if your expectations were fair) whilst continually meeting or especially exceeding can boost your confidence.

However.... there can be this niggle in your head when even when things ARE going well, that you can fall foul of impostor syndrome.  

Our minds are own toughest judges.

[Deleted Member]

Excellent post OP. Very well said.