Is it possible to live a poly lifestyle, but not be poly?

[Je****]

So, I have been in a relationship for the best part of 2yrs. My partner is poly and introduced me to it, opened my eyes to other relationship styles etc.

So I have been dabbling my toes in and exploring the possibilities. 

 

In those 2 years, I have (so far) failed to have a second romantic relationship. 

No matter who I have met, or what has been tried, it simply has not worked for me!

My partner has another romantic relationship and that is one thing I have longed for, for a good while!

I feel I either don't have it in me, haven't met the right people, or I am self sabotaging. But I have also found while I have met some women who are seemingly okay with it, my main interest is in men. And those men I have had "things" with, end up getting jealous and ultimately ending things as they don't like the idea of me with someone else.

So this is my theory on myself. 

I am not poly. Not yet. That I know of. 

Perhaps I am okay with my partner being poly, but for myself.. I am simply okay with the Open Relationship side of things. To have kisses, sex or random dates with men, that are to not fruition to more?

That I am only capable of loving and being romantic with one person. The other NSA kinda thing, is suited for me in regards to others?

I WANT to be poly. I love and support my partner in their journey. I want additional romance and to explore that side of me. But why doesn't it work for me?

I find women are more open to polyamory, but men, (that I have met, or seem to be attracted to) just aren't capable of it.

 

It makes me sad. But I don't know how or where to come across these more open minded men. I love male company and attention. I want that romance but I feel for me to have that, it's better for "open" stuff than committing?

However.... I do feel I am poly and can achieve this with Women. I sort of date a girl at home. Who also has her own boyfriend (who is aware and happy with it, and both of them have met my partner). We are, at the moment in a non committal thing. I don't know if this will change?! It's very new to them and up in the air at times. 

I am also in talks with a wonderful lady, who I treasure as a friend and see the possibility of more, and she is dabbling more in the openness herself. If things went well there, I know I could have that romance! 

This is why I am baffled. Am I only to poly with women? I do love women, but I would love a male for romance too, alongside my partner! But it's proving so much harder than ladies! 

Do I stick to romance with women, and only have open kind of stuff with men? And wait and hope one open to romance and poly comes along? 

Am I poly or just more comfortable with random encounters with men? 

I find women more intimate in general, more accepting (in most cases, I won't generalise), and I know I can with them, but men, it feels so much harder. 

 

Anyone know the kind of situation I mean?

Anyone only poly with women and devoted to one man?

Anyone prefer to be open while their partner is poly?

 

**And I want to make it clear... I love and support my partner. I love the progress I have done, in exploring my own sexuality, different relationship forms and lifestyles, and I DO want a poly (multiple loving romantic relationships, kink added in is a bonus) with people... And even with my partner being in multiple relationships, I am okay with this, I am happy to still be open with men... but feels I am not doing it very well in regards to men! haha. Should I maybe stick to women? Or keep dating men and see what comes of it?**

 

Any help and advice is welcome! Sorry if I have confused anyone, I am confused myself! hahaha.

[Je****]

I also want to add, 

I am capable of romance elsewhere. I also also capable of sexual exploring!

 

Me and my partner will be nesting, and going out to different pubs and clubs and doing a lot of exploring together! Out meeting new people, flirting and whatever else comes of it!

We both also want to have 3 somes, visit sex clubs, swingers clubs, and cuckolding.

I have absolutely no issue connecting with, or attracting men! But one in a committed thing is where I struggle. I know I have it in me, but I just don't know where my possibilities lie with "more".

[ge****]

Not confused at all - though do think perhaps you're maybe overthinking and possibly over complicating it by trying to fit yourself into an undefined, and possibly undefinable, box.
.
Try and think of it as no different from if you were single, where whilst you might "desire" a romantic partner, you may meet many before finding the one for you, is no different here really. Sure there's the added complexity of finding a romantic partner who's open to you having other romantic partners besides them, but the basic principles of finding them are the same.
.
It's kind of one of those things where the more you think about it the more unattainable it seems, when actually it's simply is a case of you've not found the right (male) partner for you to add.
.
So yes, you may not be poly in terms of actually having polyamory in your life, but you are polyamourous in your way of thinking - it's just a question of accepting that like any other relationship, it's a question of giving it time for the right one to come along.

[Deleted Member]

There are tons of research on this in psychology, poly-relationships of any kind are quite unusual in any culture and anywhere in the world, it’s generally ‘not in us’ as in us, humans. It seems like you either get together people who happen to be wired that way and hey, happy days, or things like what you describe as examples crop up here and there making it a bit impractical and not as fulfilling as one would hope for when playing with thoughts… I guess you just need to keep looking and hope for the best - it’s not as much about if you are “doing it very well in regards to men”, it’s about the fact that what you’re looking for is quite rare 😁 Maybe now when it’s out there some of the rare people will get in touch!

[Je****]

10 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Not confused at all - though do think perhaps you're maybe overthinking and possibly over complicating it by trying to fit yourself into an undefined, and possibly undefinable, box.
.
Try and think of it as no different from if you were single, where whilst you might "desire" a romantic partner, you may meet many before finding the one for you, is no different here really. Sure there's the added complexity of finding a romantic partner who's open to you having other romantic partners besides them, but the basic principles of finding them are the same.
.
It's kind of one of those things where the more you think about it the more unattainable it seems, when actually it's simply is a case of you've not found the right (male) partner for you to add.
.
So yes, you may not be poly in terms of actually having polyamory in your life, but you are polyamourous in your way of thinking - it's just a question of accepting that like any other relationship, it's a question of giving it time for the right one to come along.

Okay so I have dated 2 men this year. Kissed plenty, had some sex with a few. All good and well. 

The two I dated, I obviously told from the get-go that I had someone else, they were okay with it and dating continued. 

Then all of a sudden they weren't okay with me having someone else. They both admitted it was too hard knowing I shared myself with someone else and it flopped. One of them told me it was too hard and they wanted me to love them and only them. It broke my heart and I explained it was possible, but for them, due to my lifestyle, it wasn't.

Since that the only men that are "okay" with it, are the ones looking for only sex. And that's not me to a Tee. Yes sex is fun and I enjoy it, but I love romance and intimacy, and to keep a bond going for the purpose of kink relationships too! But it just doesn't seem to get that far.

I am disheartened.

I know I am poly, as I am capable of romance with someone else, but so far it only proves to be with women, so making me question more so the male side of relationships.

 

I don't know if I am applying pressure to myself, I maybe am, but I do live each day with 0 intent or expectations and when a nice man does come around, he's either not okay with it and it's over before it's begun or I am labelled a slapper!

It is honestly what I want to achieve, in 2023 (Yes I am starting my resolutions haha) but it's just how to meet men who are open and okay. The right way to approach and explain it to have success. 9

[Je****]

5 minutes ago, Carnival said:

There are tons of research on this in psychology, poly-relationships of any kind are quite unusual in any culture and anywhere in the world, it’s generally ‘not in us’ as in us, humans. It seems like you either get together people who happen to be wired that way and hey, happy days, or things like what you describe as examples crop up here and there making it a bit impractical and not as fulfilling as one would hope for when playing with thoughts… I guess you just need to keep looking and hope for the best - it’s not as much about if you are “doing it very well in regards to men”, it’s about the fact that what you’re looking for is quite rare 😁 Maybe now when it’s out there some of the rare people will get in touch!

I agree it is rare! And it doesn't help I am very fussy on who I will connect with, find attractive and / or sleep with! 

I maybe fall for the wrong ones! haha. 

I have no issue with women. And I am currently hopeful on my dating and romance progressions with women at the moment. The men, is what I do really hope to find. It's just proving that little bit more difficult. 

I have been objectified and sexualised a lot, and that's not at all what I want to have from a male partner. I have all but given up on online dating. I have been on here, and tinder, and full disclosures given but I still only get sleaze

Real life is where I have been focussing on, and while it's went well attracting people, keeping someone's attention while in my situation is hard. 

I won't ever break up with my partner for the sake of someone else! I have been asked about this before and I just wouldn't throw away a good thing because someone wants me all to themselves. I need and want to explore all sides of me and possibilities. 

Perhaps when we attend these more open minded clubs and events a guy might come along, but time will tell on that!

[Do****]

it's fascinating isn't it. I'd like to be more accepting of a partner having sexual encounters with others and while I've made some progress there IS a 'Dominant' possesiveness that I can't quite overcome. Which makes me kinda hate the thought of her with someone else. I also wonder if it's almost primal in that a man enters a woman... even the language ('he 'takes' her) rather leans towards the dominant and submissive elements between the sexes.

There's also humour in that one discussion where a sub wanted to explore D's potentially with someone else (distance being an issue) but hated the thought of me doing the same with another female. She knew it was hypocritical...and yet...there it was!)

I suppose it's purely subjective in the end?

[li****]

Maybe you're just not ready for poly hun! Who knows down the line you will be but I think for now don't overthink it just do what's best for you and if that's date men, sleep with them, chat to them etc doesn't matter just do you first and foremost and what makes you happy. The men you've spoken to in the past and dated don't understand poly fully and yeah jealously will play a part. 

 

Women may be the way for the now with poly, don't ever rush lovely take your time maybe down the line it's something that you know isn't for you and if you're ok with your partner being poly and you not then that's ok too. I tried poly years ago with a previous Dom I was with and I knew straight away it wasn't for me as I'm the kinda sub who needs a Dom's attention fully lol ( that's the SAM in me 🤣 ) but I wasn't getting it with Dom. Like I say you need to do what's best for you and if that's no poly, only poly with men, poly with women then whatever outcome will be the best for you lovely. ❤️❤️

 

 

[Deleted Member]

Honestly, this is something I struggle with too. The concept of poly interests me, but in practice, I find it very hard emotionally—but that is a me problem, not a them problem. I think this is one of those things that you can work through emotionally as things happen, make compromise with yourself, and allow yourself to feel what you feel, when you feel it. So long as you’re not hurting, and you’re genuine with your intentions, and honest with your partners, there isn’t much else you can do. Not everyone is ready to work on themselves in the way that you must to be poly.

[Deleted Member]

Jen, too bad you don't live in Germany. Over two thirds of men who are interested in me are into poly relationships.

[Je****]

4 minutes ago, kiseu said:

Jen, too bad you don't live in Germany. Over two thirds of men who are interested in me are into poly relationships.

Maybe that's it, I need to elope hahaha

[Je****]

25 minutes ago, h2ohno said:

Honestly, this is something I struggle with too. The concept of poly interests me, but in practice, I find it very hard emotionally—but that is a me problem, not a them problem. I think this is one of those things that you can work through emotionally as things happen, make compromise with yourself, and allow yourself to feel what you feel, when you feel it. So long as you’re not hurting, and you’re genuine with your intentions, and honest with your partners, there isn’t much else you can do. Not everyone is ready to work on themselves in the way that you must to be poly.

I don't find it hard emotionally. But I feel all those I have had some sort of attempt with, do. I do compromise with people, very much so but for the ones I have tried with, it was them or nothing. So i had to take a step back. This only happens with men! The women I have seen and dated have been awesome with this stuff!

And don't get me wrong, this isn't hurting me, it's just more frustrating as I am doing everything right and they seem okay, but have lied, because they're not, and the "whatever" that was evolving, was for nothing and caused *** to them. Instead of being honest. 

And yes, I do agree not everyone is open to it, or willing to try. I am from a very small place where it seems to be hard for the men to get on board with, the women not so much, but I guess it'll just take time!

[QXX666]

Do you have to be romantically involved with them? I am sure they are many men outhere just happy to have some sort of relationship with you without being too involved. Especially of its kinky.
But the ones you met so far are just insecure. If they know you were poly why started they started dating you?

[Je****]

30 minutes ago, lil-monster said:

Maybe you're just not ready for poly hun! Who knows down the line you will be but I think for now don't overthink it just do what's best for you and if that's date men, sleep with them, chat to them etc doesn't matter just do you first and foremost and what makes you happy. The men you've spoken to in the past and dated don't understand poly fully and yeah jealously will play a part. 

 

Women may be the way for the now with poly, don't ever rush lovely take your time maybe down the line it's something that you know isn't for you and if you're ok with your partner being poly and you not then that's ok too. I tried poly years ago with a previous Dom I was with and I knew straight away it wasn't for me as I'm the kinda sub who needs a Dom's attention fully lol ( that's the SAM in me 🤣 ) but I wasn't getting it with Dom. Like I say you need to do what's best for you and if that's no poly, only poly with men, poly with women then whatever outcome will be the best for you lovely. ❤️❤️

For once I don't agree with you! haha.

I know *I* am ready. I can do it, I do want it, and I am capable... with women! It's the men I struggle with, and even then, it's them backing out of it, not me.  

I do agree the jealousy is a big part, I've been told as much, I am all good and ready and get involved then...nothing!  

But yes I definately am more focussed on women at the minute.  and that's not because I feel they're less likely to let me down, in regards to poly, but because I genuinely have interest in women and want to explore that part of my sexuality more.

And yes I love attention too! But I know I have my partner's attention, and if dating others, there is also that attention too. Spoiled for choice haha. And I love being attentive to others.

 

I do feel my best route is to explore my poly side with women, and to have a more casual thing with men, and maybe see if it naturally progresses and take it from there. So having my own male partner is great for me, and any others I can have more so an open thing and if it develops, along the line is a bonus. Plus a nice lady on my arm is just bliss!

[Je****]

5 minutes ago, QXX666 said:

Do you have to be romantically involved with them? I am sure they are many men outhere just happy to have some sort of relationship with you without being too involved. Especially of its kinky.
But the ones you met so far are just insecure. If they know you were poly why started they started dating you?

For me, romance and intimacy is important. So yes, I would prefer to be romantically involved. I don't want to be someone's disposable fuck toy, being flung aside once someone fully unattached comes along for them. 

I think it's important for me and my journey, to have that experience with romance and intimacy with another man. 

I am not really looking for kinky relationships or any form of a D/s.

I have a partner who I adore, and will be working on a more kinky/fetish and domme/sub thing with soon. That is my focus to build and gain experience and adventures. I don't want to complicate that, until I am happy with my own progression in the kinks I am currently exploring. Plus I know my compatibility, limits and I feel 100% safe and trusting with my person to do this, I don't want to start all over again with someone else where it may not even work out because they are'nt ok with my situation. 

As for the "why did they start dating you if not okay with it?".. I feel it's maybe been them testing themselves and thinking they'd be okay with it, but simply weren't or they wanted their cake and to eat it too. 

I have no idea. 

[Je****]

42 minutes ago, DomDaddyDom said:

it's fascinating isn't it. I'd like to be more accepting of a partner having sexual encounters with others and while I've made some progress there IS a 'Dominant' possesiveness that I can't quite overcome. Which makes me kinda hate the thought of her with someone else. I also wonder if it's almost primal in that a man enters a woman... even the language ('he 'takes' her) rather leans towards the dominant and submissive elements between the sexes.

There's also humour in that one discussion where a sub wanted to explore D's potentially with someone else (distance being an issue) but hated the thought of me doing the same with another female. She knew it was hypocritical...and yet...there it was!)

I suppose it's purely subjective in the end?

It is indeed fascinating! 

But it's not simply about sexual encounters for me, I like more than that. I am a wee affectionate bug. I thrive on intimacy romance as well as sexual stuff! I guess I like the whole package! haha. 

I cannot speak in regards to D/s dynamics and goings on, as I am not nor have been in one. I don't know the ins and outs, but truthfully this is what puts me off about being with someone who is dominant. The possessiveness. Not wanting to do something without them saying so, or overseeing things, asking permission or told no on something/one I hope to explore. 

I find it's better for me personally, to find someone intimately and sexually, who's open and accepting, and encouraging. That way we are all on the same page and trying things together ultimately. 

It's what I want, am excited to do, and CAN do with women. I can with men, but they can't with me. That's what gets me. I just need to find people closer to the scene who have a better understanding and see they are just as important and loved as anyone else in my life may be. That's the important thing to remember!2

[Deleted Member]

You answered your own question, you haven't met the right person, they have all got jealous so infact you haven't met a poly person but actually someone who just claims they are. It's a mine feild like anything, you just have to take the good with the bad until you find the perfect

[Je****]

6 minutes ago, Jayjay1989936 said:

You answered your own question, you haven't met the right person, they have all got jealous so infact you haven't met a poly person but actually someone who just claims they are. It's a mine feild like anything, you just have to take the good with the bad until you find the perfect

In regards to the men, yes I would agree with you. 

Women are so much better with this stuff from my own personal experience so far. 

I don't have a problem being "open" when it comes to men. I know I already have the love of a good guy who accepts me no matter what. 

That doesn't stop me wanting to explore a bit more with men. But yes, it may be a case of literally the perfect one coming along, so far none have been good or bad lol

[li****]

1 hour ago, Finally_Jen said:

For once I don't agree with you! haha.

I know *I* am ready. I can do it, I do want it, and I am capable... with women! It's the men I struggle with, and even then, it's them backing out of it, not me.  

I do agree the jealousy is a big part, I've been told as much, I am all good and ready and get involved then...nothing!  

But yes I definately am more focussed on women at the minute.  and that's not because I feel they're less likely to let me down, in regards to poly, but because I genuinely have interest in women and want to explore that part of my sexuality more.

And yes I love attention too! But I know I have my partner's attention, and if dating others, there is also that attention too. Spoiled for choice haha. And I love being attentive to others.

 

I do feel my best route is to explore my poly side with women, and to have a more casual thing with men, and maybe see if it naturally progresses and take it from there. So having my own male partner is great for me, and any others I can have more so an open thing and if it develops, along the line is a bonus. Plus a nice lady on my arm is just bliss!

❤️❤️

[MountainMan7777]

14 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

For me, romance and intimacy is important. So yes, I would prefer to be romantically involved. I don't want to be someone's disposable fuck toy, being flung aside once someone fully unattached comes along for them.

So you agree that some things can be linked in a person's mind - like romance and intimacy.   Could you perhaps envision where men might tend to link intimacy with exclusivity?

[Je****]

1 minute ago, MountainMan7777 said:

So you agree that some things can be linked in a person's mind - like romance and intimacy.   Could you perhaps envision where men might tend to link intimacy with exclusivity?

 

Yes in a way. And being poly, there is also that option to be exclusive with me. Being in a relationship and committing and spending time and all sorts. Just with more than one. 

[MountainMan7777]

1 minute ago, Finally_Jen said:

 

Yes in a way. And being poly, there is also that option to be exclusive with me. Being in a relationship and committing and spending time and all sorts. Just with more than one. 

That's not what I mean by exclusivity.   If a person wants to have an exclusive relationship with you - that would mean that they would not want you to be in a relationship with anyone else.   You can't be poly-amorous and exclusive at the same time.

[Je****]

35 minutes ago, MountainMan7777 said:

That's not what I mean by exclusivity.   If a person wants to have an exclusive relationship with you - that would mean that they would not want you to be in a relationship with anyone else.   You can't be poly-amorous and exclusive at the same time.

I know it as being an item. Being attached. To or with someone. 

i personally believe you can be attached to more than one person, each relationship being its own exclusive thing. 

i dont mix relationships. But perhaps thats my way of reading it. 

I know what you mean though. And thats not the debate, many people of all genders can not be ok with sharing or involving others in their relationship and that's ok. For me each relationship is individual and would be treated as such, with the respect and privacy it deserves

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Finally_Jen said:

In regards to the men, yes I would agree with you. 

Women are so much better with this stuff from my own personal experience so far. 

I don't have a problem being "open" when it comes to men. I know I already have the love of a good guy who accepts me no matter what. 

That doesn't stop me wanting to explore a bit more with men. But yes, it may be a case of literally the perfect one coming along, so far none have been good or bad lol

Definitely, it's been the same for me with women too, I think it's kind of the situation both sides and finding that perfect balance with the right people. The whole dating and online date these days are a minefield of a lot of downs before the high rise lol

[Deleted Member]

PS: There is an interesting book called Polysecure, it may be worth a read/listen.