Tips to encourage a new domme?

[Deleted Member]

I currently have a NSA relationship with a woman who is now discovering how much she enjoys being dominant. 

As an experienced sub, I have been trying to guide from below so to speak, but it's a situation I haven't actually been in before. 

Any advice or tips you can share for me to either pass on, or use myself, would be welcomed! 

[ge****]

Thing is it needs to come from her mostly - so discuss with her what she enjoys about being dominant and the directions she'd like to take things, match that up with your own desires as a submissive and then explore from there.
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A good way to do this is to seek out an on-line BDSM questionnaire the type that sees you rating any number of activities in terms of how interested you are in those activities - if you each complete one separately, her from the perspective of doing them as a dominant, and you as a submissive, and then compare notes it gives you a good framework to go on and explore together.
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If you Google "BDSM checklist" you should find them easy enough.
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You may well get answers from others that are more specific, but they will have little relevance as they'll be what those people like and not necessarily what you/the lady would like.

[ey****]

There's a lot of subs struggle a little in this scope partially due to being aware of a potential conflict of interest - that they can guide the person to do the things they like

However... this in itself is not necessarily a completely terrible thing because you can use a starting point of "this is what I like, would this interest you" and find resources she can learn more about that

Also, if you have experience - why not look at proactive ways you can make her life better and do things for her?  

Another kinda approach.  Take her to munches and fetish events - not necessarily with a view to play - but with a view to introduce her to different people and also so she can kinda see more what other people do

[Deleted Member]

  28 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Thing is it needs to come from her mostly - so discuss with her what she enjoys about being dominant and the directions she'd like to take things, match that up with your own desires as a submissive and then explore from there.
.
A good way to do this is to seek out an on-line BDSM questionnaire the type that sees you rating any number of activities in terms of how interested you are in those activities - if you each complete one separately, her from the perspective of doing them as a dominant, and you as a submissive, and then compare notes it gives you a good framework to go on and explore together.
.
If you Google "BDSM checklist" you should find them easy enough.
.
You may well get answers from others that are more specific, but they will have little relevance as they'll be what those people like and not necessarily what you/the lady would like.

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Yeah BDSM quiz is something we've done together, and has helped establish a few new ideas, but she still gets shy issuing commands, something she has said she'd like to get better at. 

In the moment, it's difficult to know how to encourage her without breaking the dynamic

[Deleted Member]

  10 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

There's a lot of subs struggle a little in this scope partially due to being aware of a potential conflict of interest - that they can guide the person to do the things they like

However... this in itself is not necessarily a completely terrible thing because you can use a starting point of "this is what I like, would this interest you" and find resources she can learn more about that

Also, if you have experience - why not look at proactive ways you can make her life better and do things for her?  

Another kinda approach.  Take her to munches and fetish events - not necessarily with a view to play - but with a view to introduce her to different people and also so she can kinda see more what other people do

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I wouldn't say conflict of interest per say, but there certainly is conflict of dynamic, at least in my mind. 

Given she's still very new to it (but doing amazing) i don't want to go turbo mode submission for *** of freaking her out. 

I have mentioned events, but that's not something I'm familiar with either, but she did show a bit of interest in that area so it's one we've put a pin in for later. 

Not a terrible problem to have by any stretch because we're having great fun together, I just want to make sure I'm doing the best I can to help her along! 

[ge****]

Being honest it sounds like you both have a fairly good grasp on it and are taking things in the right kind of directions - and if you're having fun with it that's all that really matters.
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Over time and with experience she'll find the confidence to take things more in hand so to speak.
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Another way for you both to remove any conflicting emotions from things and for it not to feel like you're topping from the bottom is to make time after any play session to talk it over in a non-play space environment - maybe the next morning or something. Talk about what worked and what didn't etc.
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During play simple check ins from her, and responses from you are a good way to come to know things instinctively over time, without it seeming like you're topping from the bottom.

[Deleted Member]

  20 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Being honest it sounds like you both have a fairly good grasp on it and are taking things in the right kind of directions - and if you're having fun with it that's all that really matters.
.
Over time and with experience she'll find the confidence to take things more in hand so to speak.
.
Another way for you both to remove any conflicting emotions from things and for it not to feel like you're topping from the bottom is to make time after any play session to talk it over in a non-play space environment - maybe the next morning or something. Talk about what worked and what didn't etc.
.
During play simple check ins from her, and responses from you are a good way to come to know things instinctively over time, without it seeming like you're topping from the bottom.

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Thanks for your advice Gemini, most of it we're doing anyway, and things are going well, so will keep it going as is. Thought I would put the kinky hive mind to task and see if there were any angles or thoughts that might be revealed that I hadn't thought of! 

[Driver0143]

Communication is key to everything and respect boundaries

[Themachinist77]

Why do people find it hard to believe communicating is the key?

[Driver0143]

I've noticed that lots of subs are scared of communication or really don't know how

[Deleted Member]

  7 hours ago, Themachinist77 said:

Why do people find it hard to believe communicating is the key?

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I'm not entirely sure what has given you this impression. Also, famously, passive aggressiveness is a terrible form of communication

[Deleted Member]

  2 hours ago, Driver0143 said:

I've noticed that lots of subs are scared of communication or really don't know how

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Thank you for such valued input 

[ey****]

  8 hours ago, Themachinist77 said:

Why do people find it hard to believe communicating is the key?

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because "communication is key" is a meaningless phrase

so, for example, in the OP's case - communicate *what* and *how* and *when* - at what pace ? 

[ThumperG]

  On 1/22/2023 at 6:57 PM, Themachinist77 said:

Why do people find it hard to believe communicating is the key?

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That's what I'VE always stressed AS A MISTRESS... IF we don't have open communication then honestly we have absolutely nothing at all between US. DO NOT taking opinions of others because they don't understand what is OUR CIRCLE and what WE'VE agreed upon. THEY'RE NOT the Mistresses and THEY'RE not the sub involved. This is a two way street and THEIR car isn't driving on it.