New to BDSM- how to separate sexual Trauma?

January 30, 2023

I know from what I’ve read that someone with past sexual trauma should not even explore BDSM with partner.

my question is for those that have trauma similar to this how did you progress from not letting it affect BDSM acts with your partner.

i have a partner that I feel safe, trust and loved while we do this but she is afraid that trauma could be dangerous in this type of sexual act.

January 30, 2023

Well my former partner had some horrific childhood trauma but she was very happy opening up her mind in that sense with the a partner who made her feel safe and secure, so I would say persevere and 100% communicate with each other

January 30, 2023

This is a wildly inaccurate statement. Many people with sexual trauma are into BDSM and kink and it is their outlet. It might be a bit more accurate to say those with “unresolved” trauma should tread lightly when exploring BDSM.

January 30, 2023

I am not new and I’m going to share something’s from my experience, for whatever that’s worth.
I’ve used bdsm to avoid triggers and have a healthy relationship with others despite my trauma.
For example I have issues with being touched freely bc being touched a certain way is very triggering.
Being dominant serves me well because a sub only touches me with permission. They are aware it is an issue and the rules under which they may operate.
I may exclusively bind them at first until I can trust they will follow the rules.
the open communication involved in a d/s relationship and being in the lifestyle have immensely helped me avoid triggers, yet face the issues directly.

Consulting a mental health professional of some sort is always a good idea in these situations but also clear boundaries. Understanding hard and soft limits. Going slow. Building trust. All imperative

January 30, 2023

Seek out a therapist who has a BDSM background. Jenn of LostNFound from Fetlife is a licensed family therapist. If you want real answers and this is as important to you as it seems, start your questions there.

January 30, 2023

@wickedgrounds has a few virtual events on this topic.

January 30, 2023

https://wickedgrounds.com

January 30, 2023

...just to add, people with past sexual trauma have had good and bad experiences from exploring BDSM. For those who it has been constructive for, they have gone about it in a way that helps them, ie, gain power over their trauma. I wouldn't necessarily confront this with the concrete minds set of separating or creating a mental/emotional barrier between the trauma and sexual exploration... triggering experiences would be too easily tripped over. Just a thought.
But as I originally mentioned, a therapist with bdsm experience would be ideal.

January 31, 2023

Well like Genesis here said, it's not that it's dangerous (it always can be), but the BDSM liking is (I believe) basically always caused by childhood trauma.

And to further support Genesis (something I didn't realize until now, just didn't notice the pattern), at least in my case, I was pushing my limits hard, until I put together the fact I got childhood trauma that was probably the reason behind my kinks not long ago - after that, I stopped pushing the limits (and even started thinking for the first time in my life that vannila sex might be actually good enough for me, but still didn't quite get there)

January 31, 2023

BDSM helped me start to heal. When you find someone that you trust and that completes you, it can be cathartic.

January 31, 2023

I was 'kinky' before a 'trauma' and i still am after,
Trusting who im with separates it, they arnt that person who hurt me. Yes there are triggers, yes there are things im now uncomfortable with.
People deal with things different ways, some would avoid bdsm, some will use it to heal.
Communication and trust are the key x

January 31, 2023

I have a few friends who have had sexual trauma and view bdsm as a form of therapy. One woman who had been sexually and physically ***d growing up and has some strong masochistic tendencies explained that to her it was the***utic because she had “control”; with one (safe)word she could stop everything and would be comforted.

I think people with trauma can pursue dynamics or bdsm play but need to make sure their partners are aware of the traumas and can help watch for triggers.

But as many have said, talking to a therapist that understands bdsm may be beneficial.

January 31, 2023

Why not? It could be dangerous but it all depends - read the comments here from others, most will say the right thing, listen to their advice.

February 19, 2023

@MistressEcho You mention trauma and having issues with being touched. Having 'control' over subs empowers you, as you say "they are aware it is an issue". Excuse me if I'm too forward asking this, but how open are you with your subs on the reason behind the importance of the rules? Is it just an in-character "don't touch me" rule, or did you trust them enough to open up about your past trauma and they responded understandingly? If the latter, I wonder if and how cathartic this has been for your, personally? Not only knowing they won't touch, but them also realizing your trauma and having the respect and love to support you in that?