Setting emotional boundaries

[Si****]

So... This seems unwise...

If it's just play, then it's just play, but that's more of a game than someone "being your Dom." Servicing the Dom in the scene and it ending it as friends outside a D/s dynamic I can see working, but if you're getting attached when those were your initial boundaries, I think you might want to find a Dom that would be ok with a. Being committed to being *your* Dom, and b. Willing to let you play with others as you appear to want to.

If it's happening uncontrollably, I think, imperfect human that I am, that it's because part of you needs a connection with a Dom in your life, so satisfying that need might make play easier. Just my thoughts, as a guy who's been to exactly one munch and never had a D/s relationship that didn't start vanilla.

[Deleted Member]

it' easy: just open up deeply to someone and love him madly, then when they repudiate you it will be like a trauma for you, but when you'll recover you will have closed yourself to the point of not feeling anything for anyone anymore.

[so****]

I think it's almost impossible not to get attached as if you are in a Dom/sub relationship their always has to be a connection in the first place

[PebblePebble]

for me, this line blurs if there is a sexual element to the  dynamic, with my current play partner i am emotionally but not sexually invested .i have no interest in playing without connection, which can always be labelled as love, love is a many coloured rainbow. i do agree with many of the above, i think for most, some emotional connection is necessary and unavoidable. 

[so****]

I totally agree and in somewhat feel you're *** too as this was how I felt with my precious sub after 6months and we went out separate ways

[de****]

My question is, why do you need to avoid attachment?

[Deleted Member]

49 minutes ago, depravedsoul said:

My question is, why do you need to avoid attachment?

I do understand that there is a level of intimacy and attachment. I want to avoid developing romantic feelings because the way I see it D/S dynamic is intense but also transparent and that could potentially cause romantic feelings. Ideally, I would be ok with having feelings of affection but not in a romantic way.

[CopperKnob]

3 hours ago, Armyzk said:

it' easy: just open up deeply to someone and love him madly, then when they repudiate you it will be like a trauma for you, but when you'll recover you will have closed yourself to the point of not feeling anything for anyone anymore.

What a horrific idea

[CopperKnob]

I wonder whether, if someone is not looking for an emotional attachment (different to connection), then what they're actually looking for is a Top/bottom arrangement

[Deleted Member]

Simple for me; I’m not the parent of my sub, and act accordingly; though, this is increasingly more difficult in the current climate. Hard for me to find female subs, when they expect empathy towards them.

[Ce****]

Just know that there has to be that line there. You can’t cross. It’s in the terms and conditions.

[QXX666]

Find a Dom or sub who’s purely looking for bedroom only Ds. Plenty of them.

[QXX666]

7 hours ago, drseventy6 said:

I need some emotional attachment as I believe the level of trust needed for a dynamic won't happen without it.

Totally wrong. There are too many type of Ds to generalise. 
Trust is not built solely on emotional attachment, it’s about connection based on similar kinks, agreements and respect. I had many subs and we never been emotionally involved outside the dynamic. We cared to each others in order to sustain the Ds relationship but never fall in love. This is a different level. I don’t say it could happen but it’s not necessary. 

[Th****]

I struggled with this with our (my wife and I) first rope bunny. We had formed a close friendship with her long before we ever knew she was into rope play. So that may have played into it some. There does have to be a little bit of a bond particularly if it is to be a long term thing but you should be able to cut the bond cleanly without too many hurt feelings

[Deleted Member]

So many things get discussed when you’re starting to connect with someone but one of the lesser things discussed is the subject of emotional attachment, especially when experienced kinksters are talking to people newer to the lifestyle.

One of the biggest factors for this is all the lovely brain chemicals you get from a good scene, you can have massive highs and subsiquently, as humans, its natural to imprint those feelings on the face(s) involved with the high. If you’re trying to be consious of not forming emotional attachments, take some time to remind yourself that its not neccessarily the person, its their actions in the role, or the impliments used, for example, you dont love them, you love the rope they put you in

Obviously i cant speak for the actions of any partners you engage with, they may well be from a place of emotional attachment. A good top/bottom can be just that, a good top/bottom. And the way they make you feel can be largely attributed to all the amazing things they do, not any emotional feelings they may or may not have for you

As with everything in life, its different for everyone, but you can still have feelings for a partner without falling in love with them.

[ey****]

this is something you cannot control.

if you spend time with someone, especially doing intimate play, there is always a risk you will find yourself getting attached.

you could balance this out by, for example, only doing pick up play.  Play with someone different each time you go out - but - even then, like, one play could be so wonderful that it makes you feel like nothing ever did before - while, also, you can't control how others will feel towards you.

This is just a risk you will have to accept exists.

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, Unicorn2468 said:

I don’t think it’s possible. To have a true Dom or sub, there has to be an emotional connection. You can’t trust someone you’re not connected with. I believe it’s a myth perpetrated by insecure people with mummy/daddy issues

If thats how it works for you, thats absolutely fine. But its absolutely possible to have a D/s connection with someone without falling in love with them or developing emotional attachment. To label anyone that claims so to be insecure and have daddy/mommy issues is just ignorant and non inclusive. What about Aromantic people? Can they not engage in kink because they dont form romantic attachments?

[Deleted Member]

Maybe my ignorance but I can’t speak for aromatic people, that they would even engage is a D/S dynamic and what issues they may have. I was giving my opinion from my experience. I’m happy to be educated by an aromatic person but otherwise I disagree with you

[Ma****]

I avoided the issue by having subs who were in relationships with others that way it limited the chance of either of us going down the rabbit hole but that has its own pitfalls. Also there is still a chance it will happen.

[Sh****]

Like some have said before. You can't have a good dynamic with some sort of attachement. If it so happens feelings arise from that. It up to you to deal with them at that time. So in my honest opinion. No hacks sadly.

[PaganDawn]

For someone who has over the years experienced Dom/ sub relations and is now in a long-term D/s, I can see from multiple perspectives..

The comments above are all valid.
The key I have learned is to analyse what you want out of your kink.
Then it's a conversation you have with your Dom right from the start.

If you crave the play, the scene, the Dominance, but not 'love' as vanilla, put it, then set your boundaries. Work out if kinks align. What you need and if they can deliver. Discussion on limits, etc, and the Doms' respect for them, along with clear communication, will build trust and respect.
Analyse your feelings after you've recovered from sub drop and watch for the tell tail signs you know are leading you deeper than you want to go. If you can't keep your boundaries in place and start to feel like your 'falling,' it's time to move on.
This kept me safe over the years.
However .. if you want the full and utter feeling of total submission on a physical, emotional, and mental level. Then I'm afraid ' falling in love' is not only inevitable, it' is a pale word that doesn't describe the level of feeling you will have to deal with.
Bdsm is our primal needs and wants surfacing. Kinksters ' need ' more than vanilla life can deliver. Call us more 'in tune' with our primal emotions. Our Corpus Colosum is heightened.. we are unable to satisfy what it needs from everyday life.
And it's not just about sex and love. Both can exist independently of each other.
I thought my needs were met by the usual Dom/ sub relationships I had. Now, I have exceeded what I never imagined was possible.

That need we feel to protect our ***. To care for them, nurture them. That overwhelming feeling of love that we have no control over is one of the few primal emotions we still experience in this world.

A D/s can awaken that kind of need if it's right. And when it does, the choice to run and protect your emotions is almost impossible. If the need from either side is that intense, that desire filed, then that is when a time out is needed. If both sides do not feel the same, it's time to walk away, no matter the ***, because continuing will lead to total devastation for the connected party.

And it is the responsibility of both to watch out for this. Because the one that feels this deep will probably not be in a mental state to pull away.

I'm a strong, independent, logical.minded person. I have confidence and control over my emotions. Or I did, until I met Sir. I felt the warning signs, I analysed them, and I tried to run... and failed. I am lucky the connection goes both ways. How I feel is way beyond love. Way beyond devotion. I would literally take a bullet for him. Even if he said he only wanted me as a vanilla partner...to my agony, I would accept. My level of submission is out of my hands.
And yes, I hear all the logical brains saying it is never out of your hands. You have a choice. To them, I say, "then you have not experienced this, and therefore can not understand."

D/s is emotions, at its rawest. Pure, unfathomable need and desire. The scent of your mate, the sight of them, the way they move, hold, touch, speak all fueling desire, craving and need beyond logic. How you respond to each others touch, words, and actions add to the fire.

How cam you pull away from that.
And if you don't desire that, then don't push for that level of devotion from.the other party.

And yes, I have a box inside where I put my ***..the only emotion I have left that is still mine to control, 'what if Sir tires of me'?
And I keep it tucked away, chained up inside as I can not face it, and will not allow it to affect the wonderful life I have.
And, if it happens, I can not imagine my life beyond. It would be barren. But even with that ***. Should it happen. I would have the most incredible memories to live out the rest of my life, too.
So yes, attachment in D/s is inevitable.. by its nature. If you don't want to be burned by this level of emotional connection....then the initial conversations when you are considering each other are essential and must also have a limit for both on when it could potentially need to end. This limit must be revisited, over and over.

[Greenman56]

Very well put

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for sharing
this, PaganDawn...CRUMBS♥️

[Deleted Member]

PaganDawn, Amazing comment! I work with the BDSM/Kink communities and believe your post is powerful and beautiful!

[Deleted Member]

Why wouldn’t you want to be attached? That’s my whole point really.