It's Not You First Dom You Miss

March 4, 2023

It's the intensity of your emotions.

My first Dom gave me my own personal fairytale. I was Lady to his Tramp. But, whilst sharing spaghetti and meatballs in a candlelit resturant, my brain exploded all over the table.

He didn’t mind my flaws. In fact, he told me he loved me better for them. This man was different. He wanted to know all my shameful secrets, all their cracks and sharp edges. For the first time in my life, I could be real.

Saying I fell for him is like saying I cherish icecream. Tramp showed me a world he was confident and comfortable in and ensured that I was welcomed with open arms. You simply can’t have mediocre feelings under those conditions.

My feelings grew with every secret I told him. The more you show your Tramp, the more he accepts and so the more intense your feelings become. In all my other relationships, I’d created a pretty plate of palatable confessions. I kept the rest hidden safely away. Tramp was different. I threw all my secrets into his lap all at once, along with all my shame and every ***. So how could I not fall hard?

Tramp showed me that the grass wasn’t just greener, it was sparkly and shiny warm and soft. Tramp was a drug and it took me no time at all to become addicted. That addiction created chaos in other area's of my life. Behaving as a normal, functional adult became difficult.

There’s nothing like your first Dom. He’s often the first person to see your shame and pronounce it “beautiful.” He’s the first stop on your way home.

It took me forever to figure out that I wasn’t as besotted with Tramp as I was with the fact that he’d brought me home. It was this I was infatuated with, not him. I’ve since had a few other One True Loves, but none have brought me the same intensity. We only get one first time, but face it. Would you really want the chaos of living on the street with Tramp?
I wouldn't. I prefer my brain to be in my skull. I kinda need to be an adult.

March 4, 2023

oh, i feel this. i’m guilty of getting addicted to people.. it’s intoxicating but the withdrawal symptoms after it goes away? fucking brutal. learned recently that sometimes this addiction isn’t even to the actual person but *the way they made you feel* and that’s a hard truth..

March 4, 2023

I so felt this . I think one min I'm moving on then the next I'm upset again . With eupd u have someone called ur favourite person and that was what my ex dom was to me . Going through psychotherapy and learning but it's making me raw and *** also x

March 4, 2023

follow up on previous comment- it goes the other way, too tho.. meaning it can be a wonderful thing.. like strangers doing or saying kind things and we remember how they made us feel. the first D type i met just happened to be an angel of a human so i consider myself lucky.. but yes, the intensity of the first..

March 4, 2023

He was my first, we connected online and spoke for weeks before we met, on that first night he told me he loved me and It took me a long long time to heal from the *** of the breakup. 4 years and alot of heartache . Doesn’t help I have BPD and he was my FP, I realised it wasn’t him, but the potential of what he promised and couldn’t deliver.
Even now, when I know what I am looking for, I still have this *** and ***ful ache because I know if I connect like that again, it may actually break me but I can’t live life without having that bond?

March 4, 2023

Bratty if u ever want to talk I'm a pm away I also have bpd and what doesn't help for me is the intense feelings x

March 4, 2023

1 hour ago, BrattyBabyG said:

He was my first, we connected online and spoke for weeks before we met, on that first night he told me he loved me and It took me a long long time to heal from the *** of the breakup. 4 years and alot of heartache . Doesn’t help I have BPD and he was my FP, I realised it wasn’t him, but the potential of what he promised and couldn’t deliver.
Even now, when I know what I am looking for, I still have this *** and ***ful ache because I know if I connect like that again, it may actually break me but I can’t live life without having that bond?
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Same here sweet heart. Reading your comment was like reading my own thoughts (including the wonderful world of Karen brains AKA living with BPD) feel free to message anytime x

March 4, 2023

So very poignant. The intensity isn’t worth the chaos. Love your writing ❤️

March 4, 2023

My problem is I'm still besotted with my Tramp I guess he is my drug and will be forever maybe. I've never had so much in common with one person before in my life, not even the guy I married for 36 years. Not sure I can do another connection it hurts too much. I told him stuff I couldn't tell my husband, he helped me heal from some pretty shitty stuff I went through as a ***. Nobody else has ever done that for me before. I'd prefer the chaos to emptyness, at least it's something.

March 4, 2023

***y hell Copper - nail, head. You’ve written my thoughts again. Big hugs, thank you xx

March 4, 2023

It took me many years to realise that I didn’t want to live on the street with Tramp. It came with self love. Because he showed me who I can be, the best version of me. It was never about him, but about whom I turned into when I was around him.