I messed up

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, TheMissBerkeley said:

Understood, I guess that’s the one part that’s left out and would change this whole scenario. Generally speaking, I wouldn’t have done anything without my Dom knowing beforehand. Am I the only sub that walks on egg shells when it comes to their Dom?

Without being facetious, "anything"?
Ultimately it comes down to to individual relationship, what's agreed and not just like any relationship.
But to say that a partner would need to know about all actions and behaviours is quite something, I think.

[sw****]

1 hour ago, Finally_Jen said:

This is flaggy for me. 

Can you elaborate?? You shouldn't ever feel like you're on eggshells with any dominant or submissive dynamic or an intimate relationship 

Happy to elaborate. When I commit to a Dom, I enter into a relationship based on his ability to lead me and his responsibility to guide me. Boundaries, rules and guidelines are set and I commit to those. Even if the relationship is open and your Dom allows you to play outside of the relationship, I would still want him to approve my actions.

Like I tried to say I’m previous response, it depends on what the rules and boundaries are. And I guess what you guys considering submission to be.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, TheMissBerkeley said:

Am I the only sub that walks on egg shells when it comes to their Dom?

Probably not; but that's not a healthy dynamic!  No one should feel like they're on eggshells with any partner!

[sw****]

10 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Probably not; but that's not a healthy dynamic!  No one should feel like they're on eggshells with any partner!

I’m not sure what’s unhealthy about it. I want to serve him and I don’t want to make mistakes, so I am cautious about my actions.

[ey****]

when I was in a D/s relationship I broke a rule (I came without permission) and was punished for it (a ballbusting) 

while all was fine at the time, my Mistress of the time later told me she regretted the punishment and she dropped the clip (the former wasn't filmed but latter was) she'd basically on reflection felt in unfair to punish me for something I didn't know, or hadn't understood, was a rule.

And that is the simple difference here.   

Now, any feelings he has here are valid.  He might feel hurt. He might feel disrespected. He might feel a bit shitty like he was bad at communicating the rule (the best of people sometimes miscommunicate, he shouldn't feel too bad) 

but some of this is for you both to kinda sit down and make sure you both understand AND agree to rules.  But you also both have to look at how he is feeling now because - obviously you want to go out and meet folk, you don't have a sexual relationship with your Dominant so obviously meeting folk for pleasure is important. 

So he (and you) need to establish how he will react when you do ask for permission or pick people.  Because also this isn't fair on perspective partners.  Like you're chatting to someone and get to know them, you feel happy enough to meet them but Dom says no.   Or Dom picks someone for you, but this person isn't interested in you (or you in them)

the situation/rule is largely unworkable unless the asking permission is a courtesy where the answer will always be yes.  (or, no, only with a very good reason) and this is something complex with multiple relationships especially when someone polices further relationships.

So you both have to be sure you are happy with this. 

[Je****]

43 minutes ago, TheMissBerkeley said:

Happy to elaborate. When I commit to a Dom, I enter into a relationship based on his ability to lead me and his responsibility to guide me. Boundaries, rules and guidelines are set and I commit to those. Even if the relationship is open and your Dom allows you to play outside of the relationship, I would still want him to approve my actions.

Like I tried to say I’m previous response, it depends on what the rules and boundaries are. And I guess what you guys considering submission to be.

In my opinion there is a Dynamic. Then a relationship. 

Relationship to me is more intimate emotional physical and life sharing kind of thing. 

A dynamic for me is kink/bdsm play based of sole trust of a partner for exploring and whatnot.

Both require equal amounts of effort and trust and communication. 

However this lady stated this is a dynamic with this fella. Not an intimate/romantic relationship. 

So she should and can approach whomever she wants for that intimacy and romance which she craves, and doesn't get from her dominant. 

 

 

Every dynamic needs and has rules and boundaries yes, but you've said you're walking on eggshells. 

This implies ***, anxiety, and the possibility of something more sinister about someones character that you dont want to trigger. 

No one should ever feel like they are walking on eggshells with any partner. If they do, theyre not in a healthy relationship or dynamic. 

 

As for this lady as i just mentioned, they're in a D/s only thing. So she can venture elsewhere to get what she wants and needs. Yes she can and should communicate this however he by right, shouldnt have to give her permission or ok anything else in her life that is outside of her dynamic. 

No one should be reporting every single thing past their partner or dominant. 

This is just way too much. Healthy balance. You should be able to live comfortably knowing your dominant supports you and is a safe place for you to talk etc. 

Not every action needs his approval. Only those that relate to your dynamic. I hope i make sense. 

But if you feel on eggshells id advise you to run 😥

[Ar****]

47 minutes ago, TheMissBerkeley said:

I’m not sure what’s unhealthy about it. I want to serve him and I don’t want to make mistakes, so I am cautious about my actions.

Wanting to serve - not alarming or unhealthy.

Not wanting to make mistakes - not alarming or unhealthy.

Feeling as though you're walking on eggshells - something nobody should ever be put through.

Looking at it from another angle, if a sub committed to me and I then learned they felt that way I'd in turn feel absolutely mortified, and as though I'd failed in my responsibilities. Why would I want to put somebody I care about through feelings of ***, stress, and anxiety?

[ey****]

2 hours ago, TheMissBerkeley said:

I’m not sure what’s unhealthy about it. I want to serve him and I don’t want to make mistakes, so I am cautious about my actions.

perhaps it was in your wording, I dunno.  But, obviously in any relationship I could understand one or both naturally wanting to make a good impression on the other.  The idea of pre-date jitters if you really like/fancy someone and don't want to screw it up.

And of course adding rules into a relationship/dynamic - that no one really wants to break the rules (unless that is part of the dynamic, separate issue) but the concept of stepping on eggshells to me reads one where this doesn't feel natural, that you cannot relax into it due to being on edge.

 

[sw****]

2 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

In my opinion there is a Dynamic. Then a relationship. 

Relationship to me is more intimate emotional physical and life sharing kind of thing. 

A dynamic for me is kink/bdsm play based of sole trust of a partner for exploring and whatnot.

Both require equal amounts of effort and trust and communication. 

However this lady stated this is a dynamic with this fella. Not an intimate/romantic relationship. 

So she should and can approach whomever she wants for that intimacy and romance which she craves, and doesn't get from her dominant. 

 

 

Every dynamic needs and has rules and boundaries yes, but you've said you're walking on eggshells. 

This implies ***, anxiety, and the possibility of something more sinister about someones character that you dont want to trigger. 

No one should ever feel like they are walking on eggshells with any partner. If they do, theyre not in a healthy relationship or dynamic. 

 

As for this lady as i just mentioned, they're in a D/s only thing. So she can venture elsewhere to get what she wants and needs. Yes she can and should communicate this however he by right, shouldnt have to give her permission or ok anything else in her life that is outside of her dynamic. 

No one should be reporting every single thing past their partner or dominant. 

This is just way too much. Healthy balance. You should be able to live comfortably knowing your dominant supports you and is a safe place for you to talk etc. 

Not every action needs his approval. Only those that relate to your dynamic. I hope i make sense. 

But if you feel on eggshells id advise you to run 😥

Why would I run? I have been with him for 11 years. Maybe walking on egg shells means something different to everyone, all I am saying is that I am the type of sun that wants to please him, I love his approval and I love his control and responsibility.

I guess maybe that’s the difference between a kink and a lifestyle. I live this and it’s not a form of play. If the original posters dynamic is that where her dominant is only in here life to fulfill a kink, then she has nothing to be sorry for.

If I run anywhere it’s to my Dom’s arms.

[Je****]

5 hours ago, TheMissBerkeley said:

Why would I run? I have been with him for 11 years. Maybe walking on egg shells means something different to everyone, all I am saying is that I am the type of sun that wants to please him, I love his approval and I love his control and responsibility.

I guess maybe that’s the difference between a kink and a lifestyle. I live this and it’s not a form of play. If the original posters dynamic is that where her dominant is only in here life to fulfill a kink, then she has nothing to be sorry for.

If I run anywhere it’s to my Dom’s arms.

I am going to guess its poor wording / different meaning. 

Walking on eggshells is very negative and concerning where most people are from. 

The term itself is a clue. I've never heard it in any other meaning. 

If youre that devoted and happy and alls well then i definitely dont feel that was the correct term for it. Sounds anything but fragile, which ofc is good. Xx

[Robhynne]

Agree with @Finally_Jen - Walking on eggshells means a negative feeling. Being scared or anxious to do anything because a certain person or persons are making you feel that way. Like you can't do anything right. That's abusive. So maybe find another term than walking on eggshells. X

[Chloebear]

Thursday at 06:04 PM, TheMissBerkeley said:

Why would I run? I have been with him for 11 years. Maybe walking on egg shells means something different to everyone, all I am saying is that I am the type of sun that wants to please him, I love his approval and I love his control and responsibility.

I guess maybe that’s the difference between a kink and a lifestyle. I live this and it’s not a form of play. If the original posters dynamic is that where her dominant is only in here life to fulfill a kink, then she has nothing to be sorry for.

If I run anywhere it’s to my Dom’s arms.

Loads of us are are lifestyle…. I also find the term concerning. It’s the implied anxiety and ***. Being in constant *** isn’t a positive, and it’s not good for your health. But potentially bad phrasing, and you maybe mean being a perfectionist in terms of meeting rules or similar.

[sw****]

13 hours ago, Chloebear said:

Loads of us are are lifestyle…. I also find the term concerning. It’s the implied anxiety and ***. Being in constant *** isn’t a positive, and it’s not good for your health. But potentially bad phrasing, and you maybe mean being a perfectionist in terms of meeting rules or similar.

I never once used the word ***. My relationship is very healthy. It’s not word choice, I think people should read it in the context it was used.

It also means being careful not to hurt or upset someone. I have no anxiety, just simply want to go Andy makes him happy

[Ar****]

6 hours ago, TheMissBerkeley said:

I never once used the word ***. My relationship is very healthy. It’s not word choice, I think people should read it in the context it was used.

Nobody is saying you did use the word ***, @Chloebearliterally said "implied". I think everybody here understands that it means something different to you than it does to most people, and that's okay. It's been communicated and clarified.

But I would consider that regardless of intent the context is not appropriate (I've certainly never heard it used in any such way as you describe before), that on a site such as this where we read forum threads often several times a week from members who are walking on eggshells in the more traditional sense of the phrase due to the unsafe/unhealthy/abusive behaviours of their partners it's entirely understandable that people would express concern for you.

Do an experiment if you think people are being funny with you. Type "walking on eggshells" into your web browser and see what results it comes up with. My first hit was, "To be overly careful in dealing with a person or situation because they get angry or offended very easily" - the first, because that's the standard/default definition. You can't expect people to read a different interpretation with no clue when so much fails to be communicated over text/print.

In any case, I'm glad (as I'm sure many others who were concerned are) that all is okay and it has simply been a misunderstanding. 

[Chloebear]

@Aranhis yes very much so, it’s just what the phrase implied and why, as a community, we responded with concern. We are primed to be wary of red flags and we are supportive if people need help. I’ve been in a bad D/s before, an abusive one (and I know many on here have) - walking on eggshells is exactly how I would have described that dynamic. As you say, glad the OP is happy and safe, that’s the only thing that’s important. It’s not an attack on the dynamic, just a check in because of phrasing.

[AP****]

If he decides to leave, let him. Our *** is so overlooked and misunderstood. If he wants to be alone or with someone else, he deserves that.