Deleted Member Posted March 11, 2023 Posted March 11, 2023 My wife has been really into erotic novels since the pandemic hit. Reading through one one day I asked her if there was anything she wanted to try together to which she was immediately put off. I’ve been sexually awkward around her ever since. She has recently started a new job to which she has been dressing up more and now regularly speaks with a handsome coworker to the point where it’s gotten a little flirtatious. Rather than confront her out of jealousy I want to up my game via fitness and exploring my kinkier side. Looking for advice and resources that may teach me certain techniques I’m interested in.
BacknBoise Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 I am a personal trainer. I can help you on the fitness side if your interested
Deleted Member Posted March 12, 2023 Author Posted March 12, 2023 First off, good on you for having a progressive attitude towards the situation! I may not have the qualifications to give you adivce as someone who hasn't been married but I'd like to throw my hat in the ring to try and help. Just send a message my way.
un**** Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 i’d recommend looking at the workouts that Noel Deyzel has posted you’re going to have to group them into an effective Push/Pull/Legs plan but they’re a useful starting point however you won’t look like him he’s already used steroids to enhance his body but he is honest about it. as for kinks read what she’s reading see if you like it and with fitness comes confidence
theeastcoastgoat Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 Hey listen this is just my opinion it always makes me feel better go get yourself nice haircut like three or four new outfits spend a little *** nothing crazy but just show her that you care about your appearance as well. I don't know about you but a fresh cut some new clothes always makes me feel a little bit better about myself for more confident. I'm sure it will for you too and women sense that. You got this bro either way
Toucan Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 I obviously know nothing about your relationship, but in general the most important thing is communication. You may shoot from the hip, thinking kinky sex and leaner body is what she wants, but she might need your honesty or to feel special. So the most you can reliably achieve strategizing on your own is showing her you care about her - which is a lot, but again, may not be what she needs. So you gotta figure out how to talk about it.
Cu**** Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 Perhaps when you spoke to your wife about her reading, she was shocked that you mentioned it. Many women and men, enjoy reading and the escapism that they receive from such material; it’s a fantasy and it’s theirs. There might not be any way in which you can break in to her thoughts, unless she wants to share them with you. She might also feel embarrassed, or annoyed. Fantasy and reality, are extremely personal. It doesn’t mean that she’s dissatisfied with you and your relationship, but it may be about attention that you’ve let slip for awhile. It might not have anything to do with your physique, nor how you present yourself. You’ll only know if you have regular, attentive conversations. I appreciate that I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship, and so can only slightly speculate on what’s happening. As for her new job, and new attire, perhaps there’s a different dress code and expectation required by the management of the new company for whom she works. How do you know that she’s being flirtatious with a coworker, unless she’s told you, or a friend has observed and mentioned this, or you work in the same place? Your answers can only be arrived at by talking WITH her and listening to her and her opinions, and not you talking AT her. Learn from what you hear. Assimilate the replies. Get to know her fully. People change, over time, through all the different influences that bombard their senses all day. Just because you’re married to someone, doesn’t mean that you have to stop trying, or listen, or support, or plan a surprise meal, or a visit to somewhere you know she likes, or just walking hand in hand and talking and listening in a favourite location. Perhaps you’ve changed too. Talk, like there’s no tomorrow. How else do you keep up with what’s going on between you? And…compliment her on her choice of clothes, tell her how attractive she looks. That way, is the only way that she knows that she’s making an impression on you.
Al**** Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 I'd say, without knowing your situation as good as you do: talk about it. I understand that it's not easy and the idea of confrontation isn't a pleasing one. Maybe don't think about it as a confrontation but as a way of opening up and showing that you care. With this feeling of awkwardness inside you and the thought, that you might not be exactly what she wants (which btw is just a feeling, not a fact) you're probably more closed of like there's something hovering above your head and you're not willing to talk about it. Changing that might close some distance between you two and again: it shows how much you care. That's a big one. Without the right confidence, exploring your kinkier side might result in some situation, where you're not completely comfortable doing what you're doing and doing it anyways because you're thinking, that's what she wants. So maybe you could try a combination. Working on your body gives you more confidence, trying new sexual stuff might bring some needed spice. But without expressing your feelings and thoughts, it might not be the right way. I understand the difficulty in that and wish you nothing but the best
DarkArts1066 Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 Santia90 - I’m going to try and offer a different insight. A different point of view - if you will, hich may be wrong or right - I don’t know your exact circumstances, obviously, but I have been having regular discussions with an anguish lady who has discovered erotica recently… and those discussions may be relevant. It is possible that your wife, while withdrawing into these erotic novels, has unlocked a part of herself which she wishes to explore - but is also creating conflicts within her too. Many of us fantasise - on different levels. Some are mild, and would be considered almost ‘mainstream’ where fantasies are concerned. Others are more extreme and “out there”. It is entirely possible that you wife feels a degree of embarrassment around you regarding the thoughts that are now in her head. Embarrassement that you might not want to share - and indulge her in these fantasies. Have you read these erotic novels yourself ? Is there a common theme running through them ? Cuckolding, Hotwifing, BDSM …. These are all popular topics, which women as well as men seem to be developing more of an interest in. You mention being sexually awkward around her - is this in the way that you are unsure how to initiate anything - or is is more along the lines of not knowing how to approach her, and discuss these things with her ? Dressing more provocatively and flirting with a coworker may simply be hee enjoying the attention of another male - you should decide how you feel about this …. Before you move forward. Ask yourself, if she wants to explore cuckolding or hotwifing - for example, how would you feel about that ? I was married twice, and would happily have indulged both my wives had they wanted to explore those things - but that were so far off the radar for them both, that I could never broach the subject. May I ask, how you know she is flirting with this coworker ? - has she mentioned it often, or have you personally witnessed it ? These things may be indicators for you - and provide a way forward. I am happy to reply to any comments you may make on this thread - or privately. I do have further thoughts and suggestions, if you feel these comments above are relevant. I hope my comments have helped in some way. Good luck. DarkArts.
SophieSubSlut11 Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 There are definitely ways to learn more and learn to love yourself and watch your self confidence grow as a result of that. However, in terms of a relationship, this won’t save it. Communication is clearly lacking, no matter how awkward you feel about sex, that should never be relative to not cheating on someone, or having issues with coworkers. You cannot win someone back purely by blaming yourself and thinking ‘right, I need to get more fit and I need to get more sexy’ There is a bigger issue, which will be solved always by communication. You can’t be awkward in a situation when everything has been spoken about and on the table.
Deleted Member Posted March 12, 2023 Author Posted March 12, 2023 Hi, I would like to echo the thoughts SophieSubSlut11. My marriage broke down after my wife entered into a physical affair with a work colleague. Sorry to say, but this started with 'harmless flirting' and coffees over work issues. I didn't pick up on early signs as i naively thought work was a safe space and 'when would she have the time'. I blamed myself for this for a good few months before realising it wasn't my fault and it was her actions that did this, with or without issues in the marriage. All I can say, is that if you are to save this relationship (in whatever state that may be) you must start communicating about this issue. It will be hard but nowhere near as hard as the alternative. Good luck!
Mi**** Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 I applaud your efforts and concern, but don’t take a stab in the dark on this. Don’t assume what your wife wants and what you need to change about yourself or your sexual dynamic. The most important thing for you to do is to communicate with your wife. Open an honest and caring dialogue and find out. If you want to improve your physical fitness, do that for yourself. If you want to explore kink, talk about it and do it together. And by all means, if she’s cheating on you, you have a right to know. It’s only coming from a place of jealousy if you are making assumptions. Don’t at guess these things. Ask her.
CopperKnob Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 It's interesting that you've come to the conclusion that you have. Erotica may just be escapism like many have said. Fantasy and reality are rather different. A new job? I've always gotten a couple of new outfits when I've moved jobs even within the same organisation. It's been a treat. It may also be about finding her identity in a new workplace. A "handsome" coworker, your view or hers? There's nothing wrong with working on yourself physically or emotionally if it boosts your confidence etc but that's not going to save a broken relationship (and nothing in your post suggests it's problematic) From your OP, it sounds as though it's a you thing. You've lost confidence in yourself having seen the type of reading material your wife has. You'll only ever get somewhere by talking it through, what specifically caused you to feel the way you did having read her books? Does she know how it affected you? How is she feeling about your response? Etc etc.
Deleted Member Posted March 12, 2023 Author Posted March 12, 2023 If she acts disgusted when you try to communicate, she is gaslighting you and wants to avoid accountability for her actions and lack of interest in you by gaslighting you into feeling like you're being disgusting or out of line. It's how they check out of a relationship by making you feel like its your fault. My advice to anyone would be to not waste time with a partner who does not respect your emotional needs.
an**** Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 9 hours ago, BacknBoise said: I am a personal trainer. I can help you on the fitness side if your interested You’re a personal trainer?
Deleted Member Posted March 12, 2023 Author Posted March 12, 2023 Quit blaming your wife for whatever you are imagining. Clearly you get that you are not measuring up. So fix yourself. You know you aren’t holding up your end of the responsibility for chores at home. You know you’ve gotten sloppy with your hygiene and dress and self care. You know you aren’t making her a priority and you can see she’s not looking to you anymore for se and emotional support because you know you have trained her well- she’s knows you are not available for her that way because you taught her that you’re not and you know it. So now you want to blame it on her. Well you’re going to win that if you want to. If you really want to win her back then then get to work.
BacknBoise Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 3 hours ago, anadrolbaby420 said: You’re a personal trainer? Yes, got sick with Covid and lungs are trashed but it doesnt take away from what I was before I got sick. Knowledge and experience is still there
Deleted Member Posted March 12, 2023 Author Posted March 12, 2023 What is with the comments insulting the OP's hygiene and overall character? He already said he tried to communicate and she blew him off. Why are you resorting to insults as though you know something about the situation he hasn't mentioned? Red flags all over these comments.
DominicKernows Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 Man wanting to please his wife, best of luck to you 🙏
cu**** Posted March 12, 2023 Posted March 12, 2023 Maybe try reading one of the recent novels and see how the man acts there. Sometimes it's about just doing it, not asking. Be the man, don't ask if you can.
Dy**** Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 My first time ever to comment on anything! It’s very thoughtful of you but I am not sure what you two limits are… here is a thought. Why don’t you take her on a weekend getaway where you stage a couple of guys to go flirt with her infront of you and see if she responds… if yes, maybe she wants to try other guys and when she sees how open minded you are and that you put her needs first, then you will win her back. Just a thought! No need to get upset if it doesn’t fit your lifestyle.
BrattyKatt Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 I think you should tell Her this, and I think she will appreciate it and might embrace it? Then it will be something you can both do together. Therefor making a connection. Please try would be cool to hear if this works for you.
BruiseWayne Posted March 13, 2023 Posted March 13, 2023 Nothing you do aside from being direct and talking to her is going to solve any of this. That might not be what you want to hear but that's the tough love, cold hard truth response. If the marriage is about to end it's best to find that out now instead of prolonging things and setting yourself up for even more heart break and the *** of having someone you thought you could trust and who respected you cheat on you. Just rip the band-aid off and find out if things are salvageable or not. There's really nothing else to be done here.
Recommended Posts