Confused ...&... Am I Basically Insane?

[PumpkinFlower]

So firstly, I apologise if this is in the wrong place.  I feel I need\want to talk about things, but don't know where to go, where I won't be judged, because my situation isn't normal, and I'm not even sure what's happening. Maybe I'm just nuts. I just don't know any more. 

 

I also apologise for this super long and rambley post - but I literally have nobody to talk to about this with, and I feel like I'm losing the plot today. 

 

A bit of background: 

Years ago (2004) I met a guy on a phone chatline. We've been speaking most nights ever since. He's older than me, and a lot more experienced, and takes the lead in any intimacy we have. He is not a dominate\master, but he takes the lead, and it something like one.

 

The weird part is - we've never met, even though I've tried,  and I know practically nothing about him - even though I've tried asking him, and I don't even know basics, or what he looks like, or even his birth month... and he's made it clear that no-one knows about me in his off-phone World (it hurts if I dwell on it, but what can I do)... and while, on one side, it sometimes hurts me, because I can't do normal things couple's do - my life, as a full time carer for my now elderly parents, who are also sociopathic ***rs, (meaning I've been forbidden to have any relationships that might lead to something, in case they lose me) - isn't condusive to anything other than a telephone relationship, and well... it has worked for us, all these years. Please don't judge me for this.  It's so hard explaining this long distance relationship as it is.  I know it's mental... but I felt a connection from day 1, and I've got strong feelings for this guy, that are probably not reciprocated, but he's put up with me all these years anyway. 

 

Anyway - intimacy...   so technically I'm a Virgin.  But he literally educated me, and showed me that it was ok to be sexual, and to engage that way. He's told me, that if I find someone to do things with, I should do that (hated him saying it... sobbed over it because it felt like rejection, but what he was actually meaning back then, was that he'd never let me see him, or meet him, due to his own perceptions of himself, and our age gap, I guess). 

 

He encouraged me to read lots, and watch lots, and learn, and from the naive woman, who everyone considered, was A-Sexual, and who couldn't even say common slang for basic anatomy, lol, I've grown into someone who relishes my sexuality, finds sex pyschologically fascinating, has learned I am a demi and sapio-sexual, am more inclineded to be submissive, and I look forward to my time with him, and gets totally and fully submersed in all we do together, ... even if it is only on the phone. 

And this is where I'm confused.  

There are times where, when we play, if for example, he spanks me, it feels so real that the next morning, I'm checking myself for his handprints... and the memories make me catch my breath.

There are times, where he "uses" toys, and I find myself in the described position, and can visualise, and feel whats being used.  And every time, it gives a very real, physical reaction, in me, leaving me begging him for relief, (unless told to keep quiet), then afterwards, gasping for air, trembling, and positively buzzing in the afterglow.  Then next day, I find I'm almost chiding myself, because, how is it even possible, when the reality is, I've been lying in my bed alone. I just don't get it. 

 

Then there are times like last night, where it gets intense. Except, it doesn't get intense like this often at all, and I've certainly never felt like this afterwards.   Maybe my hormones were on the run... I've no idea.  I just am so confused. 

 

We had several hours of play, with spanking, restraints, etc, and honestly, in the end, its gone all a bit hazy in my head. I know I felt incredible, and was practically yelling for relief, and begging him, and panting, and after a while, I seemed to roll from one orgasm to the next, fluidly that I couldn't even think.  Afterwards, I felt so heavy limbed, and tired, and yet a bit giggley at the gutteral moaning sounds I was unintentionally making. And most of all, I so desperately wanted him to feel good. I'm literally anxious about it right now. 

It could be, because we had a blip in our relationship in 2013. I went through a mental breakdown, and he became an unpaid therapist, and it was too much for him, so he just vanished for over a year, without a word, leaving me broken and un-able to talk to anyone, because the situation isn't normal and friends criticised my stupidity in grieving for someone I "don't know". ). I actually thought he may have died, and trawled obituries, even though I don't even know his Surname.  It was a horrible time.  And then, he turned up one night literally like nothing happened, refusing, (still to this day), to discuss his absence, and we picked up where we'd left off, over a year previously. 

 

Before that, often after play, we'd fall asleep on the phone together, only disconnecting when either of us got up for work. I loved curling up, and hearing him sleeping. 

 

But since his return, he asks me to say goodnight, and when I've said it - or if I protest saying it - he just hangs up. Sometimes he wakes up after a few minutes napping, after play has ended, and then simply hangs up without a word.  I don't like it, but beggars can't be choosers, right, and I squash the nagging voices trying to get me to think I'm just a phone booty call to him.

 

Last night however, I was still trembling, and trying to steady my breathing, still getting jolted by incredible aftershocks, when he made triggering sounds, and I'd rolled over onto my side, and curled up....we stayed silent for literally 2 minutes, before he just hung up.  The call end beep startled me violently. It was well after 3am, and I know he had work, but I ended up feeling so.... I don't know ... confused... And then the tears came, and the lonely empty feeling, and the berating myself, over how stupid I am to feel like this - because afterall, it's just me alone, in my then damp, and crumpled sheets, and no-one had done anything to me at all.  I couldn't sleep for hours.  I cried myself to sleep out of exhaustion, around 7am, while listening to an ASMR video with male breathing, just to stop my mind doing this to me.  I woke again, startled, calling out his name, at 10:38am, before realising where I was, and that I was late with my Carer Duties... thank godness, my father took over, as he thought I needed the sleep.

 

I don't know what's happening to me today though. I feel really meloncholy, down, stiff and achey limbed, no energy, and I haven't actually left my bed.  I keep replaying bits of last night, and honestly, I just want to be the 'little spoon' and cuddle up with him, and sleep, and hear him sleeping too. My head is all over the place. I'm desperate to have real physical contact with him - with his body on mine. I feel empty, and restless, want to discuss it all, and yet, I'm tired, and mixed up, and so utterly confused, and I'm so worried that as last night was so intense, that I've scared him off, and I've lost him again.  I've even texted him to ask if he's ok, to thank him, and to apologise if I was too much last night - even if he did all the talking, as all I could do was beg, whimper, and plead for relief. I've heard nothing back. 

 

I don't understand what's wrong with me today. I'm so confused.  I've never felt like this before. I shouldn't feel like this now.  It was just phone sex afterall.  No-one laid a finger on me. Ugh! I can't seem to settle my head today.  

 

Thoughts and opinions, greatly appreciated, on what on earth is happening to me today.... but like I said, please don't flame me, for the oddity of my relationship with him.  I wouldn't have anyone in my life, in this way, if it wasn't for him, due to my Carer work for my elderly parents, and he is my rock.

 

Sorry again, for the super long post! :(

[Deleted Member]

If you're nuts, you're in the right place LOL

[Deleted Member]

Hi there my name is George Dulcescu and  I've just read your post and I'm so sorry that this is happening to you it seems to me that this man has no real interest in you apart from trying to control your life in a way that suits him which is so wrong , from what you have written this guy seems to relish on the fact that he believes he can control ever aspect of your life due to your current predicament with you being a full time carer and that your parents have forbidden you to have any kind of relationship which I also find bizar because any parent would want their child to lead a normal life and be happy you seem to be caught between a rock and a hard place, i will give your predicament some more thought and if you wish to chat about this you can contact me on my email address [email protected] just mention your profile name I would love to continue this conversation and who know maybe I can help you try and understand it better and help you in other ways as well,  i hope you contact me and I look forward to a message from you take care for now 

[KCurious]

Hi Pumpkinflower, that was very brave of you to write everything , it’s not easy to open up everything even to a stranger and ah I believe that everyone on here have their own special reasons so never should feel to be judged for your own reasons. Also welcome to this lifestyle and site ! Feel free to PM if you need to just have a chat Please Take Care !!! 😊☘️

[Deleted Member]

First off, you should write novels because that was so beautifully descriptive. You have quite a way with words my dear. Second, I understand this lust and need for more. That being said I would maybe just be straight forward and talk to him about the things that bother you. I think you sound like a very sweet and honest person. Don’t let people take advantage of that that. ❤️

[Deleted Member]

Hey I agree that the man has no interest in you. I know it hurts, but to him you may just be a toy he find convenient to play with and he can throw it away at anytime. I know it is kind of cruel to say this, I am sorry. But I think in any kinds of relationships if *** beats joy, it should stop. It is easier to say so, and given that you think you are in love with him, my advice is to find something interesting in your life, try different things and find the one you like and maybe gradually you will get over him. Good luck!

[BigPolly]

Ok this reply isn’t about your relationship it’s about ‘you’ you need to read up on Subspace because it sounds like you’re taking yourself there with his help. You are releasing endorphins sending you into a high but you then come down from that. @lilmonster puts herself a kit together comprising of something sweet to replace sugars, a blanket for comfort, chocolates, a lovely film or music etc. It doesn’t matter how you get your enjoyment whether it’s in person or over the phone as long as you’re happy but you also need to take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong with you what’s happening to your body is perfectly normal. You’ve made a connection with someone & that’s a lot to deal with if you aren’t getting a physical connection too, that hurts your brain! x

[Deleted Member]

so after a year of silence you open your door and offer yourself to him like it was normal.

you accept his "ownway" because you get that gratification. You feed him your own ***, hes like someone who's grooming for more ***. 

some need aftercare some don't, you clearly need one.

short term you are satisfied, long term wont be the same outcome. Be careful you are playing unknownly a dangerous mind game. 

[Ra****]

Your diminishing what is happening to you so much even though it causes you great ***... Just because no one touched you, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Mental *** is much worse than anything physical ever will be. What is happening to you is not good in the sense that it doesn't make you feel good. Just because he showed you a whole new world it doesn't mean that he is the only one on it. There are so many of us out here who are in the same world and enjoying it. I think it has just come to a point where it's too ***ful for you to not have contact. BTW in BDSM relationships communication is key. If you don't feel confident in talking with a partner about an activity or the outcome of that activity you then maybe you should not do that activity. Even if people here like to provide *** to others it's because those others are gaining something from that ***, while you are not only in *** but lonely in that *** as well... Also, it showed a lot about his character that he left you when you needed him the most. My honest advice would be to try to find support in places like these and find new and better connections, hopefully even someone that you could explore your submission desires with...

[PumpkinFlower]

Just a LOOOONNNG update! (Sorry!):

Thank you all!!!  :)  I have read, and re-read, your comments, and believe me, I have taken them on board.

 

So, I finally I got to speak with him last night. He explained his lack of contact over the last few days, as being because of the clocks changing, and work. But our conversation was not flowing by any standard.   It was like there was this minefield in the middle of us, and whereas I wanted to jump right into it, and take whatever happens, as it comes...... he wanted to ignore it.  I don't know why.

 

Our chat was, at first, rather stilted, as I knew he didn't want to discuss it. I'm rarely stuck for words, but when he asked if I had anything to say, I genuinely struggled, because of my concerns for him. 

 

In the end I told  him that I'd worried so much, that the other night was too much for him, and that I'd scared him away.  I actually, desperately,  wanted to talk to him about what happened, how I'd felt, etc.... and more importantly, how he felt.  But all he said was "Did you enjoy it?". My breath caught as I squeaked out a fading "yes", and then couldn't help but giggle, as my lower tummy fluttered at the memory, and my face heated instantly, and heard his own breath falter at my involuntary response.  And then I asked if HE enjoyed it... but... I didn't really get a positive response. I mean, he said yes, and thanked me... but I don't know... it was weird - like he didn't want to admit it... or rather, he just said it because he thought that's what I wanted to hear.  I just wish he would be able to tell me. 

 

And then, after a while, we just had some gentle, slow, quiet time together, that he made completely all about me, which was so nice, and afterwards, before he left, he made sure I understood it was time for him to go....  but after he went, while I wasn't awake for long, I still feel confused, and like something is unresolved.  ...... and the worst part is, that I will never be able to resolve it, because he won't discuss it. ...  And the other day, I learned that Dom's can have their own type of drop. So maybe he experienced something similar, but because he's Mr Mystery, he feels he can't talk either...... ugh! Who knows.

 

I understand perfectly, what everyone is saying, about the situation.  That it is a very one sided mind-game.  Yes, to a degree, it is.  I've also been physically, in his vacinity, in person, three times now, giving him opportunity to meet me.  Twice, years ago, when immediately afterwards, he vanished for weeks, without warning or explanation, during which time, my Mother took great delight in telling me repeatedly, while I internally grieved over his absence, that he must have seen me, and not liked what he saw, etc.  Again, no explanation, when he returned.

 

The third time, I was, I believe, very close to him, but it's clear that he doesn't want to see me. However, he saved me, by guiding me to where I needed to be, when I got lost in his town, for which I'm so very grateful for. 

 

And he has put up with a lot from me. More often than not, lately, I've 'off-loaded' my day's rubbish - including sometimes, the *** I get, onto the poor guy, and then simply passed out and snored at him. I've emotionally not been there for him in a long time... but then, it's hard to be there for him, when he said his day's been bad, but he won't tell me how, or why, or anything.  Years ago, I spoke to another woman, who had spoken to him too. She told me his Mother had died in previous Months.  I'd had no idea. Again, he didn't want to discuss it with me, so I said I knew, from the other lady, and that I was there if he wanted to talk.  He never did. Like I said - I know nothing about this guy.  But... I gain a lot from him too.    

 

The last disappearance, for over a year, rocked me to the core, and changed - maybe for the better\ marginally healthier, things between us.  We used to talk every night for hours. Now, if I'm tired or committed to other stuff, my priorities have changed, and I now deal with that first. ... which doesn't sound much, but before, I would drop everything to be with him, sometimes at the detriment (he never knew) of the other things.  

 

It's a VERY messed up situation, that I wish were different, and I'm probably in desperate need of professional therapy, for this one matter alone... but I do have feelings for him, (that drive me potty, as I sometimes crave a real physical interaction with him, to the point of panting! Lol) and it annoys me, that still, even after all these years, right from Day 1, every time I hear his voice, I get the most insane Butterflies, and a stupid grin on my face.... and honestly, as this is all my elderly parents will ever allow me to have, in terms of a relationship, for now, (I'm 43, but their real-life Cinderella), I can't do anything else, even if I had the desire to.  I'm not necessarily happy about the situation, but he's deeply embedded, under my skin, and I know it's mental, and crazy, but I just didn't feel 'right' without him in my life. That's not to say I am closed minded about connecting with other guys, should the opportunity arise.  I did try dating - especially during his 'hiatus', but it didn't work out. I felt like I was cheating, even though it was a typical basic date, and then the other guy turned out to be married, and admitted that actually, he wasn't dominant, as he'd claimed, but was actually more submissive than myself, so that was never going to work on either count! Lol. 

 

Anyway - in summary, I'm soooo glad I've found this site.  The situation still remains unresolved, but at least he's turned up again. I'm reading so much on this site, and it's obvious that I've soooo much more to learn.

 

And as I said, I've genuinely taken on board, what each and everyone of you, has said about my issues, followed some advice, and feel a lot better, even it there is still some confusion remaining.

 

Thank you for your advice, and thoughts, and opinions, and taking the time to reply.  :)