Increasing Stage Fright / Loss of confidence. HELP!

[Je****]

So, this is embarrassing, but if you need help, always ask, right?! 

 

Been in the world of kink just shy 3 years. At the start I feel I've done great, been open to exploring kinks and fetishes and had confidence to ask and do things of my own accord. Whether I sub or dom, I've always felt comfortable and able to just put myself out there. 

I am a switch. I adore it. 

However, lately, the last 3 months I would say, I have hit a wall. This wall is big and scary and I can't over come it, or knock it down. It's seriously bothering me, upsetting me and ruining the evening for me, and my partner. 

 

I have had the same partner for 2.5yr, so I know it's not the change in play mate. We have been living together for almost a month, however this "fright" has been with me the last 3 months. I have been telling myself that kink will become more regular and easy once to live together, and although we've only been trying for the last week or two, EVERY single time I have had an idea in my head, wanted something, planned something, the absolute second it comes down to it, I freeze. 

I can't speak. I can't ask for it. I can't direct it, I absolutely freeze, get confused and ultimately I get upset until I am crying and not fit for anything. 

I made some progress the other evening and got my partner into hog ties. Then nothing. Blank mind. I froze and ultimately called an end to it after 5 short minutes. 

I have no idea why this is happening to me. I am very kink driven, very high sex drive, I am very excited and turned on by pleasing my partner, dressing up, intimacy and the thrill of it all. But the second it comes down to it, as of the last 3 months, I just can't do anything. Nothing significant or traumatic has happened. Nothing has changed. My home life, health and relationship is all great and on track. The only thing I find is, I have no confidence. I am low on self esteem and dysphoria and body weight issues have been present. But that's not exactly new. 

I had a whole scenario planned in my head the other evening, got up to bed and my partner (who didn't know I had plans) said "So what do you want to do tonight?", and I broke down, cried naked on the end of the bed. And last night I got myself all psyched up for some restraints and facesitting/smothering/orgasm teasing and denial. Was really looking forward to it, got upstairs and my brain went nope.... and I didn't say anything, couldn't do anything and just went to sleep. I have no idea why this is happening to me. 

 

Does anyone have any advice on what or how I can improve my confidence. I have a great loving partner, a great relationship and our play and intimacy is spot on when it happens, and we do communicate often, they are very reassuring and supportive. There is no doubts there, but I need to fix this bit of me, it's slowly making me crumble and breaking me

 

[Deleted Member]

What is that you’re afraid of happening if you make a “mistake” with your live-in partner versus your partner? The stakes are higher now that you live together. I can tell you are anxious.  A degree of increased anxiety is normal during times of transition, such as moving in together. Accept that, and remind yourself, this will not last forever. Be patient with yourself and show yourself some grace. You got this!

[ge****]

Could it be that by planning things you're putting pressure on yourself in advance to make it all that you plan it to be so that when it comes to actually enacting those plans the lowered confidence kicks in and makes you doubt yourself?
.
From all you've said your libido is fine, so maybe rather than planning things in advance go for some impulsive spontaneity and just go with the flow when the mood takes you, and through doing so gain some confidence that way that things can and will work out.
.
Hear you on the confidence thing though, have never been that confident sexually, and it's possibly at the lowest it's ever been currently to the point that the mere thought of intimacy scares me - not that it overly matters as I'm currently single but should that change I honestly don't know how I'm going to feel.

[gh****]

Me and my girl have been living together for now 3 months and the first month we had issues but both of us now are a lot happier of course working strenuous jobs and stressful times yeah nothing really happens but give it some time moving in together is a big step just got to be patient

[Ri****]

The issue seems to be your building yourself up in your own mind. You run this scenario that if any hiccup happens then you will feel guilty or like a failure. Nothing to do with confidence or trust it pressure anxiety. There is nothing wrong with planning things out but maybe next time try it lower the scenario a bit. Being kinky doesn't always take planning and if you know the person your with cares for you then do not allow that pressure to also make them upset. Not trying put you down or feel guilty but they would not want to see you a crying mess and that will not help with communication.

Try to do a little planning but doesn't need be elaborate. Put some restraints that can get easy access to or somr toys close by but just do some fun foreplay. If the dominate one then make them lay down, play with them and make them play with you just let go a little then boom grab restraints and let your body lead you and not your mind fully. If it nothing that involves something that needs planning like cutting, suspension, or breathe play then let surprise be a little part of it. Doing those small steps will let you ease off anxiety

[Deleted Member]

Maybe you should try a hotel room and take it away from Yr home to see if it helps

[Deleted Member]

Your bed is not a stage and your sex life is not a performance. I will be bold and say you are focusing on all the wrong things.

[sw****]

I suffer with anxiety myself, all I can suggest is trying to simplify as much as possible. It can be very overwhelming and the mind can fixate on the negative and cause a cycle of thoughts and feelings.
What I'd suggest is trying to be patient with yourself, the more you try and *** the thoughts and feelings away the more they will gain a hold on you.
maybe direct your thoughts into doing something positive and self caring, write some stuff down about your thoughts and feelings at this time.
What would you say to a friend who's going through this? You'd mostly probably be compassionate and show empathy... Do the same for yourself.
We can all be our worst enemy or our best friend!

[Je****]

1 hour ago, duluth519 said:

What is that you’re afraid of happening if you make a “mistake” with your live-in partner versus your partner? The stakes are higher now that you live together. I can tell you are anxious.  A degree of increased anxiety is normal during times of transition, such as moving in together. Accept that, and remind yourself, this will not last forever. Be patient with yourself and show yourself some grace. You got this!

Its been this way since before we moved in, sadly

[Je****]

19 minutes ago, PillowPrincess1 said:

Your bed is not a stage and your sex life is not a performance. I will be bold and say you are focusing on all the wrong things.

What might i be focussing on?? 

 

For me i can plan and get excited and built up for everything and anything. I am plenty eager then the min i go to actually do anything i clam up. 

Absolutely nothing comes out of my mouth. I freeze physically. Any kind of kink. Even in the middle of kink if my brain hits a wall i stop dead and physically cant move forward or do anything else :( 

[Je****]

29 minutes ago, Bobbyb1473 said:

Maybe you should try a hotel room and take it away from Yr home to see if it helps

Cant afford this sadly

[Je****]

Il reply to some of the longer comments once i get home x

[sw****]

suffer with anxiety myself, all I can suggest is trying to simplify as much as possible. It can be very overwhelming and the mind can fixate on the negative and cause a cycle of thoughts and feelings.
What I'd suggest is trying to be patient with yourself, the more you try and *** the thoughts and feelings away the more they will gain a hold on you.
maybe direct your thoughts into doing something positive and self caring, write some stuff down about your thoughts and feelings at this time.
What would you say to a friend who's going through this? You'd mostly probably be compassionate and show empathy... Do the same for yourself.
We can all be our worst enemy or our best friend!

[De****]

You've just passed a major milestone in your relationship and it's totally natural for this to give rise to some anxiety. Seems that if you've been telling yourself that it should make kink easier, your anxiety is based around a *** (maybe not conscious) that it will do the exact opposite and boom.... Classic self fulfilling prophecy...... Our brains can fierce evil sometimes !..... Somebody suggested a hotel room, that might be a good idea... Or maybe not planning anything in your head beforehand could also be a good plan.... Start with some kidding and see where your kinky cortex takes ya...... Or discussing what you've got planned with your partner beforehand..... Some small changes like that may help for the moment but by the sound of things I'd imagine it'll be a very temporary issue in the long run. Stay strong, you'll put it in the rear view soon enough

[Ri****]

You might be focusing to much on following a plan from A to Z. Plan a little bit put a surprise bag or box together. Put some restraints, toys, candles or what ever you think be fun to use and put somewhere close. Maybe even fantasy about and play with yourself to relax. The anxiety coming from wanting every aspect to be perfect only issue is this is involving another person. Do a little planning and let your body guide you. If cant afford hotel then change scenery. Pin up some sheets over windows, change some ***tings around or ever change bedding. Subtle things can make a difference in atmosphere

[Deleted Member]

Hey, just thought I’d chuck in my pennies worth. I also suffer with anxiety etc but it is S.A.D(seasonal adjustment disorder) that affects me the worst right now. I get it every year for as long as I care to remember. It isn’t something I notice but it is something I am aware of. I have been off my antidepressants for about 5 months and my mood has dropped drastically over the last month, to the stage I was going to go to the doctors for more antidepressants.
I have been feeling worthless, fat, ugly and old, but it has only been over the last week that I’ve been thinking about S.A.D(it is easy to forget about it and overlook). I would give it a few weeks to see if your mood improves as the better weather and longer nights come in. I really hope this is all it is and you start feeling more like yourself again👍🏼

[tu****]

Do you think the love you have for your mate is more than the love of the kink?

[BadDesires]

I can relate to hitting a brick wall in life and kink. I see myself as a switch to but often find my dominant side frels trapped and my submissive side cones out easier when I lose confidence.
How much have you discussed it with your partner? Would it help to plan a simple scenario with them? Maybe take some of the pressure off by letting them guide you through there own scenario. By this you can suggest some sort of simple bondage and then ask them what they want or imagine in this position. Or maybe give them a few options to pick from. Maybe if you do this to build up the trust and understanding you can find it easier to explore your own scenarios.

[Je****]

19 hours ago, duluth519 said:

What is that you’re afraid of happening if you make a “mistake” with your live-in partner versus your partner? The stakes are higher now that you live together. I can tell you are anxious.  A degree of increased anxiety is normal during times of transition, such as moving in together. Accept that, and remind yourself, this will not last forever. Be patient with yourself and show yourself some grace. You got this!

I don't get what you mean, about my live in partner vs my partner. They're the same person?! 

 

A few have mentioned the big change and transition in the relationship... But the wall / *** has been there since before we moved in together. 

 

I love and trust my partner 100%. 

I don't value a relationship or love for someone any more or less than kink and play. It's all part of the package imo. I don't see how loving someone can outweigh kink at all? Very confused on that comment from someone above. 

 

As for hotels... At the moment with the move having just happened, it's unlikely we can afford that. I also don't want to just be booking a hotel for kink purposes. Not when i see my partner every day, and we get a lot of alone time also. 

 

As for my brain worrying and planning play...

It's literally stuff ive done 100 times before. Like asking or taking a face sit for example. But now the idea comes in.... I go to do it and roll over like a coward cus I don't have the confidence to just do it. 

 

I know my partner wants it, and is very encouraging and support. We communicate often as i said, and theres nothing i am embarrassed of with them. But this wall just won't go away

 

My anxiety has been horrid for so so long. I've ocd behaviours, and a few other small things but they've never gotten in the way before. 

Just so baffled

[Je****]

17 hours ago, RicanBatman said:

You might be focusing to much on following a plan from A to Z. Plan a little bit put a surprise bag or box together. Put some restraints, toys, candles or what ever you think be fun to use and put somewhere close. Maybe even fantasy about and play with yourself to relax. The anxiety coming from wanting every aspect to be perfect only issue is this is involving another person. Do a little planning and let your body guide you. If cant afford hotel then change scenery. Pin up some sheets over windows, change some ***tings around or ever change bedding. Subtle things can make a difference in atmosphere

I don't want or expect every thing to be perfect. I don't plan down to every detail either. 

I just get an idea and think oh that's fun and then il fo this or this... 

Literally go to do it with the plan (although vague and thought out on occasion) and nothing.

 

i feel relaxed right up the second i try anything. Im laughing and giggling and teasing or hinting then i go to act or instruct and i shut down. Immediately. 

it's not me building myself up with worry and putting myself off. Its not me over planning with perfect outcomes expected. 

its nothing different to what i used to do or say until all of a sudden nothing could come out of me. I honestly don't know what's changed 

 

I will keep trying the planning and little things and see of it makes any difference for me. But if i keep shutting down i know its not normal. Just so in the dark to what's causing it.

might try the scenery thing as we are slowly redecorating anyway xx

[Je****]

3 hours ago, BadDesires said:

I can relate to hitting a brick wall in life and kink. I see myself as a switch to but often find my dominant side frels trapped and my submissive side cones out easier when I lose confidence.
How much have you discussed it with your partner? Would it help to plan a simple scenario with them? Maybe take some of the pressure off by letting them guide you through there own scenario. By this you can suggest some sort of simple bondage and then ask them what they want or imagine in this position. Or maybe give them a few options to pick from. Maybe if you do this to build up the trust and understanding you can find it easier to explore your own scenarios.

This is very interesting to me. 

I resonated with a good few things you've said here. 

 

Dominant side can feel trapped. Lack of confidence or losing confidence brings out the submissive side. 

Although (before anyone asks/suggests) i very mug have that dominant side. Just the last couple months it's not happening and i really enjoy it when it does happen! 

Ive discussed it greatly with my partner. They are very aware and supportive and patient and try to guide me into speaking. 

And it's funny you mentioned them giving me scenarios to perform etc, because i asked them last night if they would maybe do this. It may be the only thing that prompts me to continue than shut down, until i can fly alone with it again. 

I just feel useless and like a let down atm. However our trust and understanding is 100%. We communicate and respect each other a lot. I put my life in his hands and vice versa. 

I just need to overcome my lack of confidence and apparent stage fright I've suddenly developed xx

 

[Erebus]

Jen can I ask is your partner also a switch?

[Je****]

5 minutes ago, Erebus said:

Jen can I ask is your partner also a switch?

Yes but mostly submissive x

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Finally_Jen said:

This is very interesting to me. 

I resonated with a good few things you've said here. 

 

Dominant side can feel trapped. Lack of confidence or losing confidence brings out the submissive side. 

Although (before anyone asks/suggests) i very mug have that dominant side. Just the last couple months it's not happening and i really enjoy it when it does happen! 

Ive discussed it greatly with my partner. They are very aware and supportive and patient and try to guide me into speaking. 

And it's funny you mentioned them giving me scenarios to perform etc, because i asked them last night if they would maybe do this. It may be the only thing that prompts me to continue than shut down, until i can fly alone with it again. 

I just feel useless and like a let down atm. However our trust and understanding is 100%. We communicate and respect each other a lot. I put my life in his hands and vice versa. 

I just need to overcome my lack of confidence and apparent stage fright I've suddenly developed xx

 

Unfortunately, anxiety feeds on this analytical thought process and it can easily make a seemingly small issue spiral into something much bigger. The dynamic with your partner has changed and likely that manifested itself as this anxiety prior to the move actually happening which could account for the timeline.
It might be worth trying something intimate but not kink related to see if that presents the same issue and changing it up from there and maybe bound the issue a little.
The most important thing is to not blame yourself. These things can happen and it is not something to beat yourself up about.
I hope this helps and I’m sure the two of you will work through this with a bit of understanding and some patience.

[Deleted Member]

I don't know your specific situation but sometimes you have to go back to basics. Kink can become all about escalation and subconsciously that escalation becomes the driving *** behind it. Reestablishing basic physical intimacy is a good way to stay grounded.