How can you possibly trust a person who is in control of literally your life?

[Deleted Member]

I trusted my dom completely.

[Deleted Member]

Ever get in a car?

[MrMoutaz]

Trust must be earned through experiencing things together

[ut****]

And is it safer forvpeople to gout,get drunk and take a random home when thier judgement is seriously impaired and alcahol is the fuel of the moment?
I think not.
Here is far safer.

[VK****]

On 4/11/2023 at 8:29 AM, gemini_man said:

Whilst it was nowhere near the degree that you, very sadly, experienced - I can relate to how past experiences can shape your sexual behaviours even though it may seem contradictory.
.
I was regularly spanked OTK with a wooden spoon as a child by a somewhat malicious step-father, and also came very close to being ***d by two other so called responsible male adults (mercifully in both instances it never progressed to anything harmful).
.
Yet now OTK is something I love and at times crave (although use of a wooden spoon is a limit) and I'm bisexual, and I have no doubt those early experiences informed both of those sides of my sexuality.
.
At various times it's struck me as to how contradictory it seems that I enjoy things from such bad experiences but the more I've thought about it the more I've come to realise that I've embraced them as a means of sticking two fingers up at those bad experiences and effectively have beaten them.
.
Now I'm not suggesting that is something something you can or should do as your experiences obviously go a lot deeper, but it may go some way to help explain why you have the kinks you do and yet feel so conflicted by them.
.
I'm truly sorry for what happened in your past, and as Obbork suggests perhaps taking a step back and seeking a level of counselling/therapy is the way to go, though am sure you've been down that route already.

Ooof! Gem that was a hard read. I know we've had a few contretemps in the past but I've always valued your extemely sane take on everything. Kudos to you for finding your way out of your early Hell and into the Kinky sunshine. Long may you be blessed with immense fun on your journey.

[ut****]

And is it safer for people to go out,get drunk and take a random home when thier judgement is seriously impaired and alcahol is the fuel of the moment?
I think not.
Here is far safer.

[ut****]

Typos, grrrr

[VK****]

On 4/11/2023 at 5:57 AM, Ach1ll3s said:

I don't get it. I read these articles about "surrendering control" and stuff. And it doesn't make much sense. I get it when people are in a long-term relationship where trust is a thing. But these days, people meet on apps where every last thing may be a lie. I'm not trying to make a point that submissive people are irresponsible simply because it cannot possibly be that there are so many irresponsible people who don't care about their life or well-being. It's way more likely that there's something (that I know nothing about) that somehow convinces people that meeting a complete stranger in the middle of the night, going into their house, and letting them incapacitate you is a sound decision. What am I missing?

Thank you!

That isn't how it works though. Filter, filter and filter some more. Chat. Meet socially, many times. Look for red flags. The obvious one is empathy. Look at the Wiki article on the Dark Triad (Narcs, Psychos and Machiavellians) add Sadists to make the Dark Tetrad. A total lack of empathy binds them all, like the mythical "Ring". When people care little for you, your feelings, limits etc you're on a hiding to nothing. You are correct in saying there are too many "hook-up" merchants around these days, the proverbial Kinky zipless fucks. Set your standards much, much higher and make your potential partner earn your trust over time. A lot of time. First few plays should be Vanilla for you, to see if there's some semblance of control on their part, but even then they could be hanging back for what's to come. Just be cynical and very careful.

I tell all my Sub friends.

Your Kink. Your Way. Always.

Anything else is ***. Walk, run even, if they don't get this. 

All the very best. 

I hate it when Subs get hurt. That you're male does not change that in the least. 

Peace xxxxxx

[Ach1ll3s]

On 4/11/2023 at 4:29 AM, Obbork said:

Just putting it out there - who’s to say that you wouldn’t have got in touch with you’re submissive side even if you didn’t get ***d as a child? I can’t speak for anybody else, but I don’t have any physical trauma in my past and I have a strong submissive side, don’t mind a spanking or being tied up., among other things. You’re you and that is ok, more than ok.

True. I might've been "born this way," but unfortunately, we'll never know. My parents made sure of it.

[Ach1ll3s]

On 4/11/2023 at 5:36 AM, p13pie said:

If you are afraid to die… you are afraid to live. And you also have trust issues… i do too but i mean if the thirst is real then you would give it a shot 🤣

That's kinda poetic. lol

I don't think I'm afraid to die, though. I've had suicidal thoughts since my ***age years and was never scared of that. Fun fact, those thoughts helped me to push through because I always knew that no matter how bad things were, I still had this "way out." What I'm afraid of is a ***ful death.

[Ach1ll3s]

On 4/11/2023 at 7:04 AM, QXX666 said:

The fact that you think only the submissive is at risk show you have not read everything. Maybe you need to go back in the bdsm library and read more.
Nothing is 100% effectively safe, that’s why people follow their guts, do assessment, ask questions etc… it’s been working for years and years so you didn’t reinvent the wheels I am afraid…

I don't think that only the submissive is at risk per se. Many people get harmed in all sorts of ways that are not even related to any kinks whatsoever. However, I'm not concerned about the risks dominant partners have because this is not who I am. If I were to speculate, dominant partners are primarily at risk of ending up in jail, but there may be more to it. Again, I never thought about that, TBH. I mean, I don't see how that can help me; I don't plan to dominate anyone any time soon.

I'm not trying to "reinvent the wheel." It's more like me trying to figure out how exactly the "wheel" works and if I can use it.

[Ach1ll3s]

On 4/11/2023 at 2:58 PM, Cate07 said:

I trusted my dom completely.

Did you trust them from the start? Or did it take time to start trusting? And how much time it took to build that trust if you didn't have it initially.

[Ach1ll3s]

On 4/11/2023 at 6:11 PM, MrMoutaz said:

Trust must be earned through experiencing things together

Going totally off-topic, I would say that I agree but only partially. Experiencing things together may not build any trust at all. I experienced a lot with many people, but most people in my life never cared whether I trusted them or not and, as a result, broke trust for any reason or without. Therefore, I would put it like this: when people are willing(!) to trust each other, experiencing things together tests the strength of their will and keeps trust from faltering. If a person doesn't care whether you trust them, you can experience anything together, and they still betray that trust in the end. I'll also add that I never figured out how to make people care whether I trust them or not. Hence another reason to not trust anyone.

[Ob****]

Thursday at 02:40 AM, Ach1ll3s said:

True. I might've been "born this way," but unfortunately, we'll never know. My parents made sure of it.

Yeah you will never know. And none of us will ever know who we would be without having been exposed to certain experiences in our lives. We can’t change the past, but we can decide how we want to go forward from today. I wish you well in your journey and hope you can find self acceptance and the peace that comes with it.

[Deleted Member]

Great topic by the way as there are so many so called Master/Mistress that send me messages about trusting them and also to show my desire to be their sub to send them a tribute or pay some ridiculous application fee of 500 dollars lol. If I did that I would have went through my life savings in a week.

I believe trust is earned over time but I also believe in giving a small amount of trust to see if this new person in your life is worth my time. Are they here because they truly want to be with me or are they simply here to get something they want.

Givers have to set limits because takers have none

[Deleted Member]

My unpopular opinion is 1. They don't fully understand the risk and 2. Their need for release is a heavy burden. The latter doesn't excuse the risks they are taking, but it definitely brings into perspective that we are all human trying our best. Shaming will only drive folks away from kink. Education can only be offered to those looking to learn.

[Deleted Member]

Always meet in public first even if its hotel lobby. Get some coffee. If you still feel unsafe let them know that you need to get to know them in person a but or whatever. I know that I can read peoples spirit

[Deleted Member]

Well, there is massive difference between a quick hookup between 2 consenting adults who have kinks, and a true dom/sub relationship for example, or any other sort of dynamic established between them. You can go on a simple date with a vanilla person from Tinder and easily get date ***d, bashed around the head and put in a shallow grave. Tbh all you have to do is catch a dodgy cab or walk through a park at night and this can also happen to you. We are unwittingly taking risks all the time. 

Now unless you are a truly devoted adrenaline junkie, a reckless individual with no regard whatsoever for your own safety, it is a given ( for me) that if you are into the darker side of kink ( like me) such as CNC, *** play, knife play etc you will be a million times more cautious than most other kinksters due to the violent and potentially dangerous nature of  your kink. I came on this site saying openly that I'm into those things and quickly attracted the attention of a few people who scared the shit out of me.  FAR too keen, too excited by the prospect of torturing me with impunity, too specific about the horrific things they would do to me. Whom  did I talk to? The ones who took the time to get to know me, and ask sensible questions, and wonder about safety, and let me know their limits. Yes I know even the worst psycho can lie and appear harmless but  this is an assumed risk when you are into this kink. Taking the time to build trust with someone, specially  for CNC or to become their sub, significantly lowers the odds of ending up in the  news. Someone  who pushes you to do extreme things as soon as you meet is NOT a dom, just  desperate for (nasty)  sex.  Spend time building trust and listen to your gut. 

[Deleted Member]

I can only speak from my experience. As a child, I was emotionally conditioned by abusive people to not see red flags and not have a voice/opinion. As I grew into adulthood, safety and understanding didn't magically appear. Took years and lots of work breaking down false customs, thoughts, and patterns. I, personally, hate when folks shame me and others for not knowing or having "common sense". Just because I was a victim and brainwashed, doesn't mean I am "less-than" or incapable. I'm glad you asked this question. Hopefully, it helps someone.

[Ba****]

You should be meeting in public at first. And besides that, surrendering control is for those that have been in a dynamic/relationship for a good bit. You can surrender certain things, small things, but until you know 100% that you trust that person, never go full control.

And as for going to someone's house to get laid, is different than entering a BDSM relationship.

[Ami-babi]

That's why you vet and vet and vet and vet some more.

[Ach1ll3s]

On 4/11/2023 at 4:22 PM, DarklyEnergetic said:

Ever get in a car?

Never. Unless it's Uber, where the app tracks the order, my location, etc. I'm pretty consistent in my distrust. 

If anyone offers me a ride, I will definitely refuse, even if I have to walk for miles. On the other hand, no one ever offered, so I'm safe (unlike my ego, if there is one). By the way, you can see the previous statement as a metaphorical description of my kinky experience.

Edited July 30, 2023 by Ach1ll3s