I'm thinking about it. Advices appreciated.

[uTgh4K33]

Hello, everyone.

I'm new around here. I'm not sure what I mean with this post, but it helps to explain what's on my mind. I'll share a bit about myself:

I'm a 32 yo man with a male partner. I also happen to be transexual but, for some reasons, I wasn't able to get my bottom surgery, so the disforia never went away completely and I can't enjoy sex like most people. I can enjoy some pleasure alone only because I focus on some video or whatever, but when I'm with others I don't let them touch me below my waist. I don't even take off my pants/underwear. 

It was hard, but my partner is really understanding. In our encounters I give him pleasure and that's something I really enjoy. For some time I've been considering to add some Dom/sub play. I used to be a bit like that when I was 20, but problems made me hide everything sexual in myself because it was too difficult to face. My partner is adventurous when it comes to sex and I know he'll like to try, but as always, I'm so insecure. I guess this post is a way to try to understand my own head. I don't want to be insecure while a try to restrain or dominate him. We have a long distance relationship and I'll like to do something special next time.

It would help me to know how some of you started doing this or just to discuss my case. I've been through a lot of trauma, some of it sexual, and I'm sure I'm not the only one here. Were you scared at first? Did practicing bdsm helped you?

Thanks.

 

[ar****]

Sorry if you don't want to hear this, but I'm focusing on you mentioning you're insecure about your bottom half rather than going down the Dom/sub line.
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I think love is best when a person can embrace who they are and accept themselves before they can accept others. If you're strong-willed, you may be able to overcome your insecurities and disforic feelings with pure mindfulness and logic? So I wonder if you can look at it this way: will you ever be getting bottom surgery?
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If you _will not_, then by not accepting your situation, you are confining yourself to a life of insecurity and self-inacceptance by hiding your bottom. You'll be confronted with it daily, which would be detrimental to your mental health and self image. Surely you deserve more than that. Especially receiving support (and added sexual pleasure) from your partner who loves you so much and who probably would want you to enjoy everything his company has to offer. If he's as supportive as I think, he would have no problem touching you below your waist. In fact, knowing that touch there might have a chance to please you even more, it could even be really profound for him if you decide to let him. Knowing you are insecure about it, but setting your insecurities aside to be *** in front of him is a testament to the bond you both have and could deepen your connection to the point where it might help you embrace who you are.
.
If however you _will_ be getting the bottom surgery, then your current predicament is temporary. While you may keep hiding your bottom until it's changed, you could also look at it as a fleeting opportunity for him to experience you as you are now. For your partner, that's a totally unique situation to be in, imagine him accepting and embracing your bottom half as it is now, and then later doing the same for your new bottom half. It would prove that he loves you for who you are, and accepts your body even if you don't accept it yourself.

[Do****]

I would suggest exploring online porn until you see some Dom:sub porn which you can relate too. At a level you can relate to. Are you sensual or sadistic? What elements of being a Dom can you relate to? Think of this whilst watching various types and see what feels right/turns you on. Find something to start with from what you’ve watched and try it out. Something gentle and comfortable. Then build from there. Don’t attempt to charge in and do everything as you may get overwhelmed and not enjoy it, and put yourself off. Find what you identify with the most and try a bit of it to start with.

[uTgh4K33]

48 minutes ago, arnhem961 said:

Sorry if you don't want to hear this, but I'm focusing on you mentioning you're insecure about your bottom half rather than going down the Dom/sub line.
.
I think love is best when a person can embrace who they are and accept themselves before they can accept others. If you're strong-willed, you may be able to overcome your insecurities and disforic feelings with pure mindfulness and logic? So I wonder if you can look at it this way: will you ever be getting bottom surgery?
.
If you _will not_, then by not accepting your situation, you are confining yourself to a life of insecurity and self-inacceptance by hiding your bottom. You'll be confronted with it daily, which would be detrimental to your mental health and self image. Surely you deserve more than that. Especially receiving support (and added sexual pleasure) from your partner who loves you so much and who probably would want you to enjoy everything his company has to offer. If he's as supportive as I think, he would have no problem touching you below your waist. In fact, knowing that touch there might have a chance to please you even more, it could even be really profound for him if you decide to let him. Knowing you are insecure about it, but setting your insecurities aside to be *** in front of him is a testament to the bond you both have and could deepen your connection to the point where it might help you embrace who you are.
.
If however you _will_ be getting the bottom surgery, then your current predicament is temporary. While you may keep hiding your bottom until it's changed, you could also look at it as a fleeting opportunity for him to experience you as you are now. For your partner, that's a totally unique situation to be in, imagine him accepting and embracing your bottom half as it is now, and then later doing the same for your new bottom half. It would prove that he loves you for who you are, and accepts your body even if you don't accept it yourself.

Thanks arnhem. I don't mind discussing my disforia. I'm afraid it's not something I can overcome, the only time it went away was after my top surgery. I want to have the bottom surgery, it's just not possible in my country, so it will take a lot of research and saving. 

The only sexual encounter that involved my genitalia was with a vibrator ON TOP of my clothes, and I didn't like it. It's not comparable to having some insecurities about weight, height, etc. I don't think anyone can understand how deeply my mind fights my physical body. To show my bottom half is completely out the table, just watching at it, which I don't, throws me into a disforic episode and I start feeling disconnected and alienated from my body. In order to feel pleasure with someone I need to be present, not absent minded. 

It's something I've come to accept. I'm willing to try new things and finding something that could give me physical pleasure with my partner would be great, but it's not necessary.

I hope I don't sound offended, I have really no problem discussing this.

[uTgh4K33]

12 minutes ago, DommeDelight said:

I would suggest exploring online porn until you see some Dom:sub porn which you can relate too. At a level you can relate to. Are you sensual or sadistic? What elements of being a Dom can you relate to? Think of this whilst watching various types and see what feels right/turns you on. Find something to start with from what you’ve watched and try it out. Something gentle and comfortable. Then build from there. Don’t attempt to charge in and do everything as you may get overwhelmed and not enjoy it, and put yourself off. Find what you identify with the most and try a bit of it to start with.

I guess this is the obvious place to start. Thanks a lot for the advice. If you don't mind me asking, how did you start? Did you watched something by chance that appealed to you, were you actively searching...?

[Do****]

7 minutes ago, uTgh4K33 said:

I guess this is the obvious place to start. Thanks a lot for the advice. If you don't mind me asking, how did you start? Did you watched something by chance that appealed to you, were you actively searching...?

I had been watching FemDom porn for many years in private during my marriage. After the divorce I had a FWB who just wanted pussy worship so I learnt that guys can actually want to do FemDom in real life. Then I started reading up everything I could on FemDom, being a good Domme, being a good sub, and joined here to find my first sub. Started really basic and I’ve developed in confidence and activities since. I was really nervous the first time though. But love it now.

I realised that I’m talking FemDom. But believe me most info online about being a Dom is assuming that you’d be male. There are lots of website out there. For me the more I watched and read, the more comfortable I became with me doing it.

[ar****]

1 hour ago, uTgh4K33 said:

Thanks arnhem. I don't mind discussing my disforia. I'm afraid it's not something I can overcome, the only time it went away was after my top surgery. I want to have the bottom surgery, it's just not possible in my country, so it will take a lot of research and saving. 

The only sexual encounter that involved my genitalia was with a vibrator ON TOP of my clothes, and I didn't like it. It's not comparable to having some insecurities about weight, height, etc. I don't think anyone can understand how deeply my mind fights my physical body. To show my bottom half is completely out the table, just watching at it, which I don't, throws me into a disforic episode and I start feeling disconnected and alienated from my body. In order to feel pleasure with someone I need to be present, not absent minded. 

It's something I've come to accept. I'm willing to try new things and finding something that could give me physical pleasure with my partner would be great, but it's not necessary.

I hope I don't sound offended, I have really no problem discussing this.

Dang, it sucks that you've got to overcome those hurdles for the bottom surgery. It's also really unfortunate that it seems to be the only option to 'deal' with intimacy related to that part.
.
Don't worry, you don't sound offended. I applaud your openness on the matter. I thought maybe getting into a kink mindset could temporarily offset your thoughts, by focusing on your senses and partner's experience (either blindfolded or only looking at him rather than yourself). Using a vibrator on top of your clothes still sounds like the interaction was a shameful/embarrassing thing, despite you just being born with your body. But then again, I guess you feeling disconnected from your body goes much deeper than that. I figured if you can enjoy yourself alone while focusing on a video, you could maybe also try focusing on your partner instead.